Episode 34
Whether from the argument she’d had before Dr. Bryman regarding treatment, or from her actions while confined together in the bedroom nursing him, she seemed to have a quiet yet resolute personality and was not the type to be shy; however, when it came to her true inner feelings, she did not express them much.
Madame Cervia had thought of Rose—who, bound by a special connection from the past, appeared at just the right time when someone was needed, having acquired suitable refinement to take a place by his side, and possessing the virtue of discretion—as something of a windfall pumpkin rolling in on its vine. But to Ezekiel, Rose did not reveal too much of her private self. If the mail had not arrived at the right time, and if the opportunity to read the letter in his stead had not arisen, Rose would have kept her lips tightly sealed and continued doing nothing but laundry in the washroom.
There was much he wanted to know.
What kind of people were her parents that they made the difficult choice to enroll their child in a distant girls’ school dormitory; which subject among those she learned at school had she liked the most; what she had planned to do after graduating; whether her habit of answering “I’m fine” and her endurance in hiding pain even when injured were innate parts of her disposition; whether she had ever thought of appearing a little earlier; at what age she had planned to marry…….
If he were to put on a veneer of propriety, this was the extent of it; his true feelings were a bit more primal.
If she had liked him since Milena Girls’ School, how far she had imagined; whether she knew that, because he could not see, every moment with her was like the dead of night to him; that when their bodies were joined and he could not tell whether she moaned from pain or pleasure, he would deliberately stimulate her deeper and observe the clenching reaction.
“Why is there no answer, Rose? It seems you do not need me very much.”
Again, her reaction was slow. At times, she would fall silent and hesitate at strange moments.
Only after hearing his urging did Rose open her mouth.
“……It is because you said something so obvious. I need you too, Major.”
“Obvious?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why?”
“Think of the sacrifices you have endured until now. Of the two of us, who do you think is more desperate?”
Ezekiel admitted, mixing half jest and half earnest. Rose must have had many places to be, even if not necessarily by his side. She would have finished her studies at school, and through the refinement and knowledge she had diligently acquired, she would have lived well, making a name for herself as a governess in some esteemed household.
But he, who had been left utterly helpless, had barely revived upon meeting Rose. Thanks to her devotion, he had quit drinking and opium, and found comfort and rest. Moreover, these days even his desires were being fulfilled.
Certainly, he had given nothing in return compared to what he had received.
“I wish I had met you properly before I lost my sight, but unfortunately, I could not.”
Ezekiel faced his miserable circumstances with candor.
“I shouldn’t have let my guard down when I returned to the main house after the war ended; I should have kept my wits about me more, but as you can see, I failed at that too. So I schemed to save nothing but my own life and fled down to this barren backcountry, and honestly, my current circumstances are not as affluent as when I lived in Valdemara of Claris.”
“……Major?”
“And I killed a great many people in battle, each time. I must have been quite frightening to you, too. While passing through the war, I saw the harsh nature of humanity and its cruel depths, and I myself am not all that honorable in that regard. I am of a different fiber from someone kind and pure like you. You must know from experience, but I am neither the knight nor the gentleman you hoped for from afar on the first day you saw me.”
This was not the sort of story one would expect from a man born and raised in Valdemara, overflowing with pride, and returned as a war hero with high honor. Moreover, she was not worthy of receiving such an evaluation as “kind and pure” from Ezekiel.
She could not think of an appropriate response to why he was suddenly saying such things, or what answer she should give here. Rose simply kept her mouth closed and listened to his confession.
“Still, I will promise you this one thing clearly. Though I carry the name of Valdemara, I am not very wealthy now, and I know I may appear unstable, being at odds with my brothers. But to protect you, I will mobilize every method and ability I possess.”
Without realizing it, Rose shook her head. She was someone who had come here to atone. She was the woman who had ruined his life to this point; was it not far too cruel a fate for him to have to protect such a woman?
Sensing her gesture through their touching cheeks, Ezekiel raised an eyebrow askew.
“What does this mean? Rose, do you find me unreliable?”
“No, I simply…….”
Her heart dropped with a thud. Rose racked her brain to find an answer that would not arouse suspicion.
“It is too much, that is why. Even now, it is already enough for me, like a dream.”
That was right. It was far too much for a sinner.
Throughout the time she spent choosing the right words, her heart pounded at a terrifying speed, pressed down by anxiety. She feared it might burst.
“Your heartbeat is rather loud.”
Ezekiel caressed Rose’s left breast with a smiling face. As he traced the gently spread curve and swept upward with his palm, he felt a slight flinching movement.
He had thought that, being a woman who always maintained a gentle, composed attitude and rarely revealed her inner thoughts, her heart would beat calmly as well.
Ezekiel lent his ear to the thumping resonance. It was unexpected, yet he liked it very much.
Because it was proof that she faced him with a heart beating thus.
Because it seemed to express fluttering excitement in her stead.
After listening a little longer, he buried his lips in the soft mound of her breast. At the contact fraught with intention, Rose’s breath subtly faltered.
“I have almost no memory of living a life without purpose. In the past, I enlisted to protect Valdemara, and then I went to war to protect Astrie. Protecting was my daily life.”
Rose moaned at the hot breath stimulating her sensitive skin.
“Only, I fell into a trap and lost overnight the things I believed I was protecting well, and I wandered, not knowing what to live for. Now my world is neither as grand nor as splendid as it was then, but…….”
While licking and sucking at her soft breast, feeling its sensation, Ezekiel whispered in a low voice.
“Meeting you, I have found something new I wish to protect again. This time, I am determined not to fail.”
Once more, he repeated the promise.
“My goal is you, Rose.”
……This would not do.
Rose’s half-lowered eyes flew open.
Even while lying entwined with a man who once felt as distant as a mirage, receiving a fervent confession, she could not be wholly happy.
Why, of all times, now, like this.
It was devastating.
It was sorrowful.
It was despairing.
Yet at the same time, she harbored a shameless wish.
If only there were a way to gather up the past.
Then she would have thrown her whole self into these hands long ago.
She would have done so willingly.
The sin she bore was too heavy. The irreversible regret was heavy. Her lips, which had to keep a secret for life, were heavy; her heart, which could not in any way hold its head up before its conscience, was heavy; and the false name and appearance she had wrapped around herself were heavy as well.
Above all, this man was the heaviest to her.
He was a man who had lost his sight, his occupation, his pride, his honor, his family, and his future because of her.
Even so, he declared that he would protect the shell of a woman she had fabricated from lies. He uttered a promise he would never make if he knew her true self.
“Hah…….”
No matter how much she exhaled, her chest did not feel clear.
Rose fumbled at the base of her throat. She knew what was tangled there. A secret was strangling her neck. An ugly, wicked secret that would not disappear as long as she remained by his side.
“……Surely you aren’t crying, Rose?”
Though it had only seeped out ever so slightly, he keenly noticed Rose’s damp eyes. This was because the man, who wished to read her expression, had developed a habit of often touching her face even while caressing her.
Thickly calloused fingers swept down over the corners of her eyes.
“You haven’t even received anything yet, so what are you crying about already?”
Tears came because she was in a position where she could not receive such earnest sincerity.
Her heart ached because she was in a position where she dared not wish for affection or desire.
She ought to pay for her sins by doing her best to help him recover so that he would not fall further into ruin; like his own unruly relations, she merely needed to be treated as nothing more than a temporary source of physical comfort…….
“I am not as fine a woman as the Major thinks I am.”
But her fearful heart could not bring itself to express anything beyond self-deprecation.