Episode 109
There was certainty in the way they asked.
In truth, anyone with eyes would have found it difficult not to notice. From Lizan’s outfits, which changed every time, to Ezekail’s devotion in accompanying her without fail at every visit, to the way he grew anxious even when she was kept from his side for a short while—the atmosphere exuded by the young master of Valdemaera was all too clear.
Only then did Lizan realize what her parents were hoping for. They were plainly excited at the thought that their daughter might become the mistress of the venerable House of Valdemaera.
She quickly straightened her posture and firmly shook her head.
The mistress of House Valdemaera? The only thing she had to her name was that she had attended some country school, and she had even stood on the execution platform as a criminal. Not only was it impossible for her, she did not want it. A vain dream was something that should not be allowed even the slightest room to take root.
They were one family, but even within a family, there were sometimes realms of one another’s minds that could not be understood. Her father and mother trying to see her through to graduation even if it meant committing theft had been one such thing. Because they were bound by blood, she had been unable to turn away and had borne the consequences with them, but if she had been given a choice, Lizan would have chosen to quit school.
This time was the same.
Even while they were ill with pneumonia they had contracted in the northern camp, her family’s entire attention was fixed only on the relationship between their daughter and Ezekail.
“Not as far as mistress of the house? Then how far?”
“……”
“We’ve been shut up in this room, so we don’t know everything that’s going on, but we’ve picked up enough here and there to get a sense of it. They say that gentleman searched for you so desperately……”
“They said you were in Derosa, didn’t they? If he says you saved his life, that you’re his lifesaver, then isn’t there enough of a chance?”
“You must have caught his eye just right. If this goes well, our family’s fortunes will change. Hm?”
Their words, testing her intentions, were subtle.
Lizan shook her head again in denial. But they did not seem willing to accept her denial.
“……Is the difference in status a bit too much for you to enter as the mistress?”
“There’s still a way. You just have to get pregnant first. The order might be a little reversed, but once you have a child, Valdemaera is a family where children are precious, so they won’t be able to cast out their own blood. That gentleman is completely different from the one who was expelled from the family. He’s never caused a commotion over women until now, and more than anything, he’s a soldier. His sense of responsibility to risk his life to protect his wife and child must be tremendous.”
“Your mother is right, Lisi.”
Her father kept agreeing with her mother. Her parents did not hide their desire for their daughter to cling to Valdemaera, even if she had to get pregnant first.
All at once, her heart went cold. Lizan bit down on her lip.
She knew full well that they were not saying it to hurt her. Lizan’s parents were the utterly common sort of ordinary people who were ordinarily good in some ways and ordinarily wicked in others.
Because they loved their daughter dearly, they had sacrificed and raised her despite their poor circumstances; but at the same time, they were also very ordinary parents who wanted to place that much expectation on the daughter they had worked so hard to raise, to harbor some greed, and to benefit from her.
Moreover, her parents did not know in detail what Lizan had gone through in the camp. Naturally, they would not know that she had already carried Ezekail’s child and miscarried.
Lizan wrapped her arms around her shoulders.
The sensation of hot blood spreading between her legs came back to her. Even now, the memory of that day was vivid: lying on the cold stone floor surrounded by strangers, losing a child she had not even known had taken root in her womb, her soul emptied out.
How could she forget?
She had had no way to deal with the blood that kept seeping out, and had left that child, who had not even taken shape, behind as a black stain on the stone floor of the camp.
And yet they told her to have another child.
……They must be saying it because they don’t know.
Yes, because they don’t know anything.
In fact, she had heard that many of the women who had been embroiled in scandals with Akenaus had dreamed of conceiving a child and forming a tie with Valdemaera. Though, because of Akenaus’s thorough contraception, none of those dreams had ever seen the light of day.
So they could think that way.
She tried hard to understand, but sourness kept rising to the tip of her tongue. Her stomach churned.
Seeing Lizan’s face turn pale, her parents instead seemed frustrated with their daughter.
“Why? It’s Valdemaera, Lisi. Your life will change from now on.”
“Do you have any idea how terrible the northern camp is? The coughing sickness might look as if it’s healed at a glance, but our bodies were already ruined there, and even our bones have withered. We can’t work ourselves to the bone like before anymore. Besides, we’re not young. With these bodies, where could we do what kind of work to make a living?”
“And yet, Lisi, if we were to tell you to support us, who would hire you as a teacher when you’ve become disabled? The world is full of people with healthy bodies who can work as teachers…… Clinging to Valdemaera is the way for you to live and for us to live too.”
“If it had even been that eldest son who was expelled from the family, we wouldn’t be saying this. No matter how good it is to rise in status, that eldest son is obviously the sort who would never abandon his lustful ways for the rest of his life and would dry a woman to death. But that gentleman is an entirely different person. If the hero Astrie loves most says he likes you regardless of your disability, then you must seize that chance. You have to think of the future. Isn’t it the only way for you to live wealthy and comfortable for the rest of your life?”
“Seeing things like this, it really shows that life doesn’t simply tell you to die. Truly, our family, all three of us, were dragged off to the camp and I thought we’d end like this without even seeing one another’s faces, but suddenly it looks as though our lives might open up wide. We thought you were staying at school, so how did you think to go find that gentleman? As expected, since she went to school, her mind is certainly quick. Isn’t that right, dear?”
“She knows how to look ahead.”
Not at all. They were all wrong. When she went to find Ezekail, she had not calculated a future in which she would become the mistress of Valdemaera. Back then, she had simply……
Thought it was the morally right thing to do.
Thought she ought to share some portion of his pain.
With her immature, foolish mind, that was the only judgment she had been able to make. She had not had the courage to reveal that she was the maid who had scattered the poison, but she had also been afraid to turn away from a man who had gone blind.
Looking back, it had been nothing more than a half-hearted conscience. She no longer harbored such illusions. Rather, Lizan was even more surprised that her family, who had suffered terribly from pneumonia and frostbite because of life in the camp, could misunderstand Valdemaera to such an extent instead of fearing it.
But her father and mother seemed so immersed in their fantasies that their daughter would enter Astrie’s greatest noble house and change their fortunes that past memories were no longer in their minds at all.
Should she call it greed beyond their station? Or should she call it an extremely realistic calculation?
To her, this vast Valdemaera mansion looked like nothing but a new camp.
She did not have the confidence to keep listening to empty talk. Hope, when it was too absurd, was poison.
Lizan sprang to her feet and left the room.
“Lisi, Lisi?”
“Where are you going?”
She did not even leave behind a glance to signal that today’s visit should end here. She was afraid it would look as though she were agreeing with that uncomfortable atmosphere.
A servant who had been watching Lizan from a distance under Ezekail’s orders hurried after her in a fluster.
“Miss, you mustn’t go around alone. If you wait just a little, the master will return soon. Or are you feeling unwell or tired somewhere?”
At the servant’s fussing, subtly urging her to return to the warm room, Lizan could not go far and sank down in a nearby drawing room. She folded herself into a chair and waited aimlessly for Ezekail to return, only to grow bleak again at the fact that she could not go anywhere as she pleased unless he accompanied her.
“Lizan? What is it? Why are you already out here?”
Ezekail, whose sense of time was precise, truly returned before exactly thirty minutes had passed. The man, who had been striding across the corridor with broad steps, discovered Lizan sitting hunched in the drawing room after leaving the bedroom and came straight over.
“Are you all right not spending more time with your family?”
Lizan nodded.
Now that she knew exactly with what intentions her family would observe Ezekail’s every move, she could not muster the courage to enter the bedroom with him.
From now on, her father and mother’s interest would be fixed on what kind of gaze he used to look at her, how tenderly and carefully he treated her, and Ezekail would……
“There’s no way my heart would pound like this if I didn’t love you. Lizan, it’s all right if you no longer love me. You’re all right. You can do that. But not me. I can’t.”
……show them a sight that perfectly fulfilled their hopes.
“Lizan, I want to live the rest of my life atoning to you.”
Once, atonement had been her share. But now Ezekail spoke of atonement. Lizan still could not understand what he had to atone for.
But she knew what he wanted.
He wanted her to speak, wanted her to stay by his side, wanted her to return to the feelings she had once had.
He spoke of love while expecting something she could not give.
Suddenly, it felt as though her throat were being strangled.