[Episode 47] - Emotions Like a Swamp
A few days had passed since Vivian told Titania that she might have to go on a "marriage meeting." Unable to control her irritation, Titania puffed out her cheeks slightly and asked Ellie, who was tidying her hair.
"Ellie, what’s a marriage meeting?"
"Excuse me? Ah... a meeting with someone you might marry soon...? Is that how I should put it?"
"Hmm—"
Just as she’d thought, it was no different from what she already knew. Propping her chin on her hand, Titania narrowed her eyes and let out a small sigh. Then, as if annoyed, she sat in her chair and stomped her dangling feet.
Marriage meeting, and marriage.
It was a story she had heard countless times from the Countess when she was young—that she must become a princess who would feel no shame before her future husband, and that even if she started preparing now, she would already be far too late.
She had simply engaged in meaningless escapism, wondering if perhaps she had misunderstood, or if her mother had misspoken. But Titania knew the meaning of those words better than anyone.
Watching Titania unable to control her bubbling irritation and stomping both feet in the air while seated, Ellie smiled bitterly and asked.
"Will you not go to see Her Majesty the Queen today as well?"
"...Yeah. I just want to stay in my room."
Ellie let out a small sigh, quiet enough that Titania wouldn't hear, then bowed her head deeply and slipped out of Titania’s room, leaving behind a request to call for her if anything happened.
Once Ellie left the room and she was alone, Titania heaved a sigh deep enough to sink the ground, flopped onto her bed, and pulled the covers over her head.
Since childhood, the space beneath the covers pulled completely over her head had been Titania’s little secret hideout. Not caring what happened to her hair that had just been tidied, Titania rolled around inside the blanket, lost in thought.
Truthfully, she had been burning with the desire to run to her mother right away and apologize. But every time, her mother’s expression when telling her about the marriage meeting would come to mind, and something would boil up inside her.
‘Titania, you may have a marriage meeting soon. It might be early for a marriage meeting at ten years old... but how about meeting him just once? He might be quite a good match.’
‘A... marriage meeting?’
‘Yes, a marriage meeting. They say the third prince of the neighboring country is coming with the delegation that will arrive soon. He said he wanted to meet you then... And he has quite a good reputation. He's only eight, but handsome... and gentle in personality, a child beloved by his country...’
‘Mother... do you want me to marry that person?’
Yes, a smile that tried so hard to look as if she had given up on something. The moment she saw that expression on her mother, Titania frowned at the emotion she was feeling for the first time in her life and looked at her.
‘Even if it's not marriage... if you could get engaged... wouldn't that be nice?’
It felt as though she herself were included among the things being abandoned, and every time Titania recalled that expression, some emotion would churn and boil up like a swamp.
For some reason, the only words that came out of her mouth were "Liar."
A hot, sticky, unfamiliar feeling, as if something were welling up from deep inside her chest. Titania didn't know what to do because of this emotion she felt every time she saw Vivian's face.
Titania, who had been burying her face in her pillow and tossing and turning, poked her head out from under the covers and tapped the surface of the mirror necklace hanging around her neck—tap, tap.
The surface of the mirror rippled, and Aincel, eyes drooping as if worried, looked at Titania. Aincel hesitated for a moment, then glanced up and asked Titania.
—Princess... are you not going to leave your room again today? But you shouldn’t confine yourself...? Vivian and the others are sad...
"It's not like that! More importantly... what is Mother doing right now?"
—Vivian is right now... just a moment, I'll show you.
The surface of the mirror rippled again, and Vivian's figure began to appear in the mirror as if right before her eyes. The sight of Vivian sitting in her office, discussing something serious over mulled wine.
A side she didn't show her normally. Seeing her mother looking serious yet wonderful, Titania smiled shyly. It was fine looking from afar like this...
But when she actually faced her mother or talked to her, Titania would sink into the boiling emotions inside her and unknowingly shake her head, putting on an angry act.
‘That's not really how I feel... I want to make up with Mother and be with her right away...’
As if saddened by her inability to control her own emotions, Titania blankly watched her mother's figure reflected in the mirror. As she continued to watch her mother, Aincel whispered softly.
—It looks like she's almost done with work... how about going to see her now? I'm sure Vivian would be happy if the Princess went to see her.
"But..."
Would her mother be angry if she went now? Titania had been the one avoiding her until now, getting angry, so she was at a loss as to what face she should show her mother.
As she worried, her mother’s figure appeared in the mirror stretching her arms high into the sky—straight up—as if she had finished her work. At that sight, Aincel called to Titania as if urging her on.
—I think now's your chance! It's not far from the office... hurry and go!
"Hu, huh...?"
—Hurry!
When Aincel urged her loudly, Titania shot up from her bed. As she tried to run outside, she saw her disheveled hair and hurriedly tidied it with her hand before frantically dashing out the door.
What should she start with when they met?
Should she apologize first?
Say she was sorry for avoiding her without a word?
Breathless from running to the office, Titania caught her breath and poked her head through the slightly open office door. There, she saw her mother sitting in a chair, taking a brief rest while drinking tea.
The moment their eyes met like that, she felt a sticky, muddy emotion like a swamp gripping her heart again. It wasn't simply a feeling of dislike. A strangely anxious emotion made her chest feel queasy.
What in the world was this emotion she felt every time she faced her mother?
Titania didn't know what to do, not even knowing its name. One thing was certain: she didn't like that "smile" that kept coming to mind every time she saw her mother's face.
Titania backed away from the office door, turned, and headed back to her room. Aincel, hanging around her neck, asked at a loss.
—Is it okay not to go see her...? You came all this way...?
"...I don't want to."
—But...
Without answering Aincel any further, Titania quietly headed to her room. Each step made her feel as if sticky mud were grasping at her ankles.
*
After that, it was nothing but repetition.
Titania, swayed by Aincel’s persuasion, would circle around Vivian, then return to her room and grow depressed again, repeating this cycle. At most, Titania circled around Vivian up to three times a day.
Exhausted by her desire to apologize and the swamp-like emotions boiling inside her, Titania was at her wits' end and remained constantly anxious.
As she continued to circle around Vivian, Titania suddenly had this thought. If she couldn't apologize directly, she could ask someone else to convey it for her.
And the person who came to mind was none other than her grandmother, Her Majesty the Queen Dowager. Believing that her grandmother would surely speak well to her mother, Titania knocked on the Queen Dowager's office—knock, knock.
"Grandmother... it's Titania... may I come in?"
"...Enter."
Once permission to enter was granted, Titania opened the door slightly and approached the Queen Dowager with quick, small steps. Wondering if she was still working, Titania quietly watched the Queen Dowager diligently writing something down.
"So, what brings my granddaughter to suddenly seek out this old woman?"
"Uh... it's..."
When it came time to speak, her lips wouldn't part. Watching Titania hesitate, not knowing what to say, the Queen Dowager let out a small sigh, lifted Titania, and seated her on her lap.
"Rumors abound that you fought with the Queen—is that why?"
"We didn't fight..."
Titania pouted at the mention of a fight and hung her head heavily. Watching her, the Queen Dowager gently stroked Titania's head and asked, as if guessing.
"They say your snacks were reduced. Are you sulking because of that?"
"That too... but..."
"Or is it because she's been busy lately and hasn't been paying attention to you?"
"Th-that's..."
Perhaps because the things that had hurt her were coming back with each question, Titania's cheeks began to puff up more and more. Looking down at her, the Queen Dowager chuckled and squished her puffed cheeks.
"Or is it because of the upcoming 'marriage meeting'?"
At the word "marriage meeting," Titania nodded her head slightly. Watching her, the Queen Dowager quietly sighed and gently stroked Titania's head.
"Do you hate going to the marriage meeting so much?"
Titania shook her head. She didn't particularly hate the marriage meeting itself. Rather than disliking meeting a stranger...
Drip, drip. As she tried to speak her thoughts aloud, tears welled up in Titania's eyes. Seeing her shoulders shake as she swallowed her tears, the Queen Dowager gently patted her back.
"Speak slowly. What is it that displeases you so? I cannot know unless you tell me."
When the Queen Dowager patted her back, the tears pooling in Titania's eyes began to fall plop, plop. Wiping away her tears as if sobbing, Titania slowly opened her mouth and began to unburden what was piled up inside.
"Gr-Grandmother... do you want me to get engaged too...?"
"...I do not think so."
"M-Mother seems to want me to get engaged... she said she wants me to get engaged..."
Once the tears started flowing, they wouldn't stop easily. At the dripping tears, the Queen Dowager began to gently wipe Titania's eyes with a handkerchief.
"I-It feels like Mother finds me bothersome... like she doesn't want to see me... so every time I see her, my heart feels strange... it feels like I'm angry, but... I get so sad I could cry..."
"...Your mother would never abandon you. I cannot understand why you think this and feel anxious. Does your mother seem like someone who would find you bothersome?"
At those words, Titania shook her head. Titania knew better than anyone that her mother wasn't like that, but for some reason, her heart couldn't accept it.
She was so anxious she couldn't help it, so frustrated she couldn't stand it.
And this emotion she felt was difficult to explain with just anxiety and frustration. Besides the anxiety and frustration that she was being abandoned, something thick and sticky was seething from deep within her chest.
Titania had not yet defined that emotion.
She merely thought it was something between anxiety and frustration.
The Queen Dowager, who had been patting her back, sighed and looked at Titania. She comforted Titania, wiping her tear-soaked eyes with a handkerchief already thoroughly soaked.
"You know this well, so do not be anxious. Even to me, your mother does not appear to find you bothersome or wish to abandon you. She spoke of wanting you to get engaged for your future, did she not?"
"...*sniff*."
"So, stop crying and go to your mother. The Queen must be troubled herself by now."
The Queen Dowager set Titania, who was sitting on her lap, down on the floor and waved her hand, urging her to leave quickly. Titania puffed up her cheeks and looked at the Queen Dowager, but it was no use.
"I forbid you from coming to my room until the two of you reconcile. You were likely thinking of asking me to convey some message, but such things should be said directly as a courtesy to the other person."
Stab.
Though she hadn't said anything yet, Titania flinched, her shoulders trembling at having her plan found out before she'd said a word. Then she pouted and trudged out of the room helplessly.
And so, many times again.
Titania circled around Vivian, trying to talk to her, but in the end, not only did she fail to speak to her, going so far as to ignore Vivian's suggestion to talk outside the door until the day the delegation arrived.
After that, it was repetition once more.
Every day, she would secretly watch her mother through Aincel, then approach her mother when an opportunity arose, circle around her, feel those sticky emotions, and return to her room.
It was a cycle repeated tens, hundreds of times.
*
After the delegation arrived, the royal palace became slightly chaotic due to a sudden occurrence. Normally, when royalty from another country visited the nation, it was customary to prepare food and the like to suit that royal's tastes as best as possible.
What foods they liked, what foods they were allergic to—preparing and hosting according to what the neighboring country had informed them of beforehand was the norm, but...
Rendering all their preparations meaningless, the "third prince" did not come with the delegation.
At the party meticulously prepared for the "third prince's" visit, an uninvited "woman" approached me, neatly lifted her skirt, and curtsied.
An elegant woman with a solemn air.
A woman with bright brown hair light enough to be mistaken for blonde in sunlight and dark black eyes looked at me and smiled with the corners of her eyes raised.
"I apologize for visiting so suddenly. My 'younger brother' fell ill with a sudden contagious disease, so I had no choice but to come in his stead urgently."
"And you are...?"
"My name is Fiona Silverword. The 'Second Princess' of the Silverword Kingdom greets Her Majesty Queen Vivian Liliensol."
A name and face completely unexpected, nothing like a fairy tale.
But for some reason, looking at Fiona, I felt an immense sense of incongruity wash over my entire body. The fleeting sense of wrongness was enough to make every fine hair on my body stand on end.
‘What...?’
This "sense of incongruity" I felt because the original story had changed like this was the first time since then.
Since learning that the First Queen, "Aurora," was alive, unlike in the game.
At this sense of wrongness I was feeling for the first time since then, I unconsciously ran my hand up my forearm.