[Episode 122] - Responsibility
“Your Majesty the Quee— Lady Vivian Liliensol, Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s funeral was concluded three days ago.”
“Ah... I see. In the end...”
I had taken out the invitation to the funeral before the captain of the guard at the castle gates, only to be told that Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s funeral had already ended three days ago. As I lowered my head, overcome with guilt for having arrived too late, the captain of the guard suggested, with a bitter expression, that I at least pay my respects.
“...Since you have come all this way, why not visit Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s grave? I am certain Her Majesty would be pleased by your visit.”
“...Should I? Then I will do that. Thank you.”
I gladly accepted his suggestion and bowed my head in thanks to the captain of the guard. The captain, who knew who I was, waved his hands in protest, but gratitude was gratitude all the same. And so, through the gate he opened for me, I was able to enter the royal castle.
‘As expected, nothing has changed at all.’
I crossed the snow-covered garden, slowly making my way toward Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s grave. Suddenly, as I looked around, I realized I really had lived here for a very long time. Every corner of the royal castle was overflowing with memories of Titania. Memories of reading fairy tales beneath the trees, memories of playing at the fountain until our dresses were soaked through.
With every step I took, memories of Titania rose to mind, and for some reason, a bitter smile formed on my lips. Katarina, who followed behind me, seemed to be seeing a place like this for the first time; she was busy looking around the royal castle with her mouth hanging open. Was it so fascinating to her because she had spent all this time hiding in sparsely populated countryside and forests?
“Ah.”
As I walked slowly, avoiding people’s gazes, I suddenly remembered something I had completely forgotten and let out a small sigh. Flowers to place upon the gravestone. Even if there were no fresh flowers because it was winter, I should at least have brought artificial ones. When I sighed in regret, Katarina, who was behind me, called my name and poked me lightly in the back.
“Vi, Vivian. I... made this.”
When I turned around to look at Katarina, she was holding a small white artificial flower in her hands. At her surprisingly quick-witted action, I smiled softly and stroked her head. She made this? Did she make it with magic?
“...Thank you.”
Taking the artificial flower Katarina had made, I turned my head and began walking again toward Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s grave. The closer we got to the cemetery, the fiercer the snowstorm became. The rough blizzard, so thick I could barely see ahead, felt as though it were angrily asking why I had only come now, and I gave a bitter smile.
Step by step, I ignored the snowstorm and slowly headed toward the place where Her Majesty the Queen Dowager slept. The closer I came to the grave, the more anxiously my heart pounded, and sweat began to seep from my palms. Because I was afraid to face the death of Her Majesty the Queen Dowager.
I had known from the moment Her Majesty the Queen Dowager gave me the invitation to her funeral.
That before long, Her Majesty the Queen Dowager would pass away. That she would soon die. In my head, I understood that when the time came, I would have to accept it naturally, but my heart could not do the same.
As expected, I could not calmly accept the death of someone close to me.
The moment I saw Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s grave in the distance through the snowstorm, large drops of tears rolled down my cheeks. To me, Her Majesty the Queen Dowager was not merely my mother-in-law in name and appearance.
Her Majesty the Queen Dowager was my “teacher” in the royal castle, and a figure like my “protector.” She was the teacher who taught me how to live in the royal castle, and the protector who shielded Titania and me from the other nobles.
The one who had helped me, cherished me, and looked after me when I could not adjust to life in the royal castle was none other than Her Majesty the Queen Dowager. The fact that I had not been able to be there at her deathbed, nor attend her funeral, was more than enough to fill me with terrible regret and guilt.
‘It feels as if she’ll shout at me any second, asking why I only came now...’
I somehow held back my falling tears and slowly placed the artificial flower before the gravestone. Even as I paid my respects here before her grave, it was hard to accept the fact that Her Majesty the Queen Dowager had passed away.
She had told me she would live long. She had told me she would watch over Titania until she became queen. There really was so little time left now, and yet she had been unable to endure even that much longer before passing away. That alone made me unbearably sad.
“...I’m sorry. For only coming now. I was far too late, wasn’t I?”
I forced a smile and spoke to Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s grave. Even though I knew there was no way an answer would come, if I did not speak like this, I could not bear the pain.
“...It’s because of the snow. The place where I live was completely buried in snow, so the news that Your Majesty had passed came far too late. I’m now—”
I approached the grave and told Her Majesty the Queen Dowager about what had happened over the past year. Where I was living now, what kind of work I was doing, who I was living with—I told her all sorts of things, very briefly.
“...It’s harder than life in the royal castle, but I’m doing well enough not to starve to death. Thanks to the money Your Majesty placed in my hands, I’m not living so poorly that you need to worry.”
Amid the sound of the raging blizzard, it felt as though I could hear Her Majesty the Queen Dowager’s voice. Her voice chuckling as she said, “Of course you should be living well. Do you know how much I gave you?”
Knowing it was a sound born from my own delusion, I smiled bitterly, rose from my seat, and let out a sigh. Along with terrible guilt, a white breath spilled from my mouth. It was cold. Far too cold.
At times like this, when it was so cold and painful, I could forget everything if I held Titania in my arms. Just by hugging Titania beneath a warm blanket and feeling that child’s warmth, my aching heart would melt away.
Was that why?
At this moment, I missed Titania so much I thought I would go mad.
I know how selfish I am.
I left because I hoped Titania would not depend on me, and yet I was still depending on Titania. Even though I knew this feeling could not be forgiven. Just once. Even just once would be enough...
“...I miss her. Truly.”
Had I always been this much of a spoiled child? Selfish thoughts kept rising within me. How was Titania doing? After Her Majesty the Queen Dowager passed away, and with me no longer by her side as well, was she suffering?
If she was truly in pain and sorrow, I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to hold the crying Titania tightly in my arms, pat her back, and comfort her as much as I could. So selfishly, this feeling was for my own sake.
In order to soothe this painful, stifling heart, I needed Titania. I wanted to comfort Titania and be comforted in return. Because comforting Titania was the same as comforting myself.
But...
“Mother! Mama...! Mama!!”
At the voice desperately calling out to me, my head turned on its own.
Then the castle gate opened with a clatter, and from far away, Titania began running toward me, crying out my name. In this freezing winter, without even being properly dressed, even though she fell to the ground, she ran straight toward me.
No. Absolutely not.
I must not meet Titania now.
It was not that I did not want to meet her.
It was that I must not meet her.
If I met Titania like this, I would be bound to Titania for the rest of my life. No, I would come to want to be bound to Titania. That would not be for Titania’s sake, but for “my” sake.
If I truly cared for Titania, then at least now, I must not meet her. Even if she begged that she wanted to see me, even if she tripped over a stone and bled, I must not show Titania my face.
From the beginning, I had wanted Titania to leave my side and stand on her own. I had wanted not to become a burden to that child. Was that not why I had left Titania’s side? So...
I reached out to Katarina beside me and asked her.
“...Katarina. Let’s go back.”
“Ye, yes...? Really...?”
Katarina glanced hesitantly at Titania running toward us from afar, but I quickly took Katarina’s hand and begged her to prepare for our return. Before Titania could come closer, I had to leave this royal castle.
“Hurry!”
Only after I shouted did Katarina begin preparing to return.
Perhaps because of the snowstorm, or perhaps because of the magic, my vision began to waver. Through that wavering sight, I could see Titania approaching me with tears streaming down her face. Titania, whom I was seeing for the first time since she was fifteen.
Through the pure white blizzard, hair like ebony fluttered in the wind. Her red eyes, like drops of blood fallen upon the piled snow, and her bright red lips pleaded with me, wished only for me. Begging me, please, not to leave her side.
Please, stay by my side.
But...
That was a wish that could not be granted.
I had to leave Titania’s side. I must not stay by that child’s side. I must not allow Titania to depend on me any longer than this. Because I would ruin Titania. Because I would, Titania...
Because I loved her, I had to leave.
*
When Titania reached the gravestone, she simply stared with hollow eyes at her grandmother’s grave, where the snowstorm raged. Surely, just one step ahead, Mother had been there. Surely, she had been there...
“Ha, ha...”
In the brief instant it took her to blink, Mother’s figure had vanished without a trace. At the sight of Mother having disappeared as if she were a mirage, Titania let out an empty laugh.
Surely, until just now, Mother had been before her eyes. The footprints still remaining, the newly placed artificial flower before the gravestone, proved that Mother had been here only moments ago. But...
“Where did you go...? Huh...? Mama...”
Mother was nowhere to be found.
Even when she turned her head, even when she checked behind the gravestone, Mother was not here. She wanted to believe she had seen an illusion, but the traces Mother had left here told her it had not been one. In that case, in other words...
“Again, you...”
Abandoned me.
You abandoned me twice.
Not once, but twice.
“Liar...”
Liar. Liar. Liar.
Even though we linked pinkies and promised. Even though you said you would swallow a thousand needles if you broke it. Even though you said you would stay with me forever. Even though you said you would definitely come to meet me. Even though you always said you wanted to see me. Me...
Titania collapsed where she stood.
As if a hole had been pierced through her chest, it hurt so, so much. No, it could not be expressed with the simple word “hurt.” It was agony. The pain of being abandoned twice hurt more than all the pain she had ever felt in her life.
“Ah, ngh...!”
Clawing at the snow piled on the ground, Titania raised her head and looked up at the sky.
The snowstorm pouring down upon her skin was terribly cold. The snow touching her skin felt as though it would freeze her heart at any moment, and the fiercely blowing wind felt as though it were slashing her skin to pieces. Truly, she wanted to die.
“I don’t need a position like queen! I just, I just need Mother! So why! Why can’t you do that one thing for me?! I said I would be satisfied just having you by my side! I said I wouldn’t beg you to love me! I don’t need anything, anything else! I only wanted to stay by Mother’s side...!”
Looking into empty air, Titania poured out her rage, mingled with sobs. She could not understand the mother who had abandoned her twice, nor could she understand the ministers who had driven Mother away. No, she did not want to understand.
“How can you be so irresponsible! You’re the one who made me like this!! You’re the one who raised me and loved me!! Then shouldn’t you take responsibility?! Whether you love me!! Or hate me!! Do it in front of me!! Don’t leave my side—do it in front of me!! So please...”
Titania, trembling, curled up in the snowfield and sobbed.
She had loved Mother as a parent, and she had loved her as a woman. All the love she would ever feel in her lifetime had been directed toward one person called Mother. She did not know how to love anyone else; she had simply loved only Mother for her entire life.
That was why she could not give up that love.
She could not give up her beloved Mother.
No matter how much Mother ran away, she had to catch her and bring her back.
Rising from where she sat, Titania began trudging back toward the castle. From behind, the maids brought blankets and towels and wrapped them around Titania’s body, but she did not feel warm at all.
When she entered the castle, Titania felt her vision brighten. But in contrast, the light in Titania’s eyes faded, growing ever cloudier. The liveliness in her eyes began to sink into blackness.
Even with the maids supporting her, Titania thought dazedly only of Mother.
...Yes, next time we meet, I’ll tie her up first.
If I don’t tie her up, she’ll slip away again.
Every time she leaves my sight, I feel like I’m going mad, so I’ll tie her up first and lock her in my room. I’ll bind her so she can never run away again, so she can never leave my sight. Listening to Mother’s excuses will come after that.
I have no one but you, yet you keep avoiding me. Avoiding me, avoiding me, avoiding me. You keep slipping out of my sight. I think this is the only way for me to keep you by my side.
If I tie you up and lock you away, will you hate me? Will you dislike me? Will you despise me? But it can’t be helped, can it? Mother, all the blame lies with you, who abandoned me twice.
So next time, don’t run away.
A third time.
I will never forgive.