[Episode 120] - On a Bitterly Cold Winter Day
A month had passed since Titania’s seclusion ended. The seasons had flowed on as well; spring was drawing to a close and summer seemed to be approaching, for the room felt stifling unless the windows were opened.
The royal castle began to bustle again, as if it had regained its vitality. Titania, who had cried her heart out, continued her lessons with the ministers in order to become queen one day, and began to devote herself to her studies.
And Veronica and Ainsel—
“...Where on earth did she go? I can’t find a single trace of her.”
—I can’t sense Vivian’s mana at all, either. For now, it’s certain she isn’t anywhere near the capital. Vivian’s mana is a little unusual, so I thought I’d find her right away...
—were busy searching for Vivian, who had left the royal castle, in order to keep their promise to Titania. Even with the dwarves’ help at the cabin, even after Ainsel turned every mirror in the capital into an avatar, they still couldn’t find her.
As if someone were deliberately hiding Vivian.
“It’s been three months since Vivian left the royal castle... No, it’s the fourth month now, right? Then maybe she crossed into another country? You know... this Vivian is the type to do something thoroughly once she sets her mind to it, isn’t she? If she decided to go to another country in order to be separated from Titania...”
—...I can’t say that’s impossible.
Veronica and Ainsel sighed at the same time.
Even though a great deal of time had passed since Vivian left the royal castle, they had not expected there to be no trace of her to this extent. Veronica, who had thought she would at least be able to find out where Vivian was living soon enough, was truly at a loss. Lately, the look in Titania’s eyes whenever she asked, “Not yet?” had been anything but ordinary.
“...She really never told you where she was going?”
—I’ve told you this again and again, but no. She never said a word about where she was going or where she intended to go. I simply thought Vivian had no thoughts in her head whatsoever...
“That’s harsh...”
At Ainsel’s caustic tone, which all but called Vivian an idiot, Veronica let out a small laugh. In a situation that only drew sighs from her, Veronica stretched her arms high toward the sky. At this rate, she felt Titania’s patience might reach its limit first.
Just then, there came a knock at the door, and Titania entered the room. She looked somewhat better than she had while shut away in her room, but perhaps because the studies she had begun after deciding to become queen were hard on her, she still looked haggard. Of course, given that she was being scolded by the ministers every day, it was only natural.
After entering the room, Titania let out a sigh, placed her books and documents on the desk, and looked at Veronica and Ainsel. Her lips worked restlessly as if she had something she wanted to say, but in the end, she merely sighed once more, held it in, and brought up another subject.
“Unni, Grandmother called for me, so I’ll be going.”
“...All right, go on.”
Watching Titania leave the room with her shoulders drooping, Veronica and Ainsel began searching for Vivian once again. Setting their sights on the next city, Ainsel searched the area through the mirrors. Veronica, with the help of the dwarves, began looking for Vivian.
*
“Grandmother, did you call for me?”
“Yes. Come closer, Titania.”
Titania, who had entered the room, walked softly over to the Queen Dowager, who was sitting propped against the headboard of her bed. Though she visited every day, the room felt more desolate with each passing day.
Seeing her grandmother’s strength wane day by day, Titania smiled bitterly. It had been the day after her seclusion ended that Titania realized the Queen Dowager was ill.
Vinsho, unable to bear it any longer, had finally told Titania about the Queen Dowager’s condition, which had been hidden until then. The moment Titania learned of it, her face flushed with shame at the childish behavior she had shown.
In this situation, with her mother gone and even her grandmother ill, Titania thought this was no time for her to act spoiled. Telling herself that she had to focus on her grandmother now, Titania tried to forget Vivian.
‘If even Grandmother leaves my side now...’
Titania shook her head, driving away the bad thought, and forced a smile as she stroked the Queen Dowager’s bony fingers. ‘I don’t want any more goodbyes.’ ‘I don’t want anyone to go far from my side.’ With those feelings in her heart, Titania gently clasped the Queen Dowager’s hand.
The Queen Dowager looked at Titania, who was holding her hand tightly, then let out a small breath and continued.
“Titania. Do you hate Vivian very much?”
“...I’m not sure.”
Asked whether she hated her mother, Titania did not know how to answer. She hated her mother. Truly, she hated her mother, who had left her behind without a word, leaving only a single letter. She really did hate her to death.
And yet, despite that, there was still a part of her that loved her mother. A part of her that missed her mother, that wanted to touch her mother, that wanted to see her mother. If even that was greed, then she wished her mother had at least stayed by her side.
“...Do not hate her too much. That child was simply keeping the promise she made to me. Do you know how many pathetic things Vivian said about not wanting to leave your side?”
“...What did she say?”
“She said that if she could only be your mother, she would give up being queen or anything else. She looked so pitiful... Truly, it was a servility I could hardly believe had come from that Vivian’s mouth.”
At the sight of the Queen Dowager chuckling as she spoke, Titania’s eyes widened.
Her mother had never once told her such things. But if she had cared for her so much, then why had she left without saying anything? If she had at least told her...
“...That child is more servile than you might think. Should I say she has no self-esteem, or that she lacks confidence? Rather than a queen of a nation, she was closer to an ordinary commoner.”
At words that felt somehow understandable, Titania gave a small smile. Certainly, unlike other nobles with their lofty pride, her mother had been timid and modest. She had seemed almost like a small animal.
“The only time that child, who was so much like an ordinary commoner, looked even somewhat like a queen was when it was for your sake.”
“...For my sake...?”
“Yes, when it was for you, her daughter. At those times, as if none of that had ever been true, she would become resolute and dignified. Though she sometimes wavered, whenever she thought of you, she always showed the face of a ‘mother.’”
A face even I could not show my own child.
The Queen Dowager smiled bitterly and spoke as if in a whisper. Then she lifted her bony arm and stroked Titania’s face. When that rough palm touched her cheek, emotion surged within Titania, and moisture gathered around her eyes.
“So, think of Vivian’s reason for leaving you as something she did ‘for your sake.’ All the blame lies with me. I failed to find even the slightest compromise and was only bent on driving Vivian out. To be honest, I regret it. Was there truly no other way? Should I have forced the ministers to accept it? Such regrets come to me.”
“N-no. Truly...”
Titania lowered her head and could not lift it again. Feeling as though she would burst into tears once more if this continued, Titania forced herself to smile and looked at the Queen Dowager.
“M-more importantly, please tell me about Mother in the past. I want to hear just how servile she was for you to speak of her that way, Grandmother.”
“Hoho, very well. I shall tell you. Let’s see, that was when...”
And so, slowly, Titania and the Queen Dowager talked. Like a granddaughter and grandmother in truth, they blossomed with all the stories they had never been able to share. From stories of Vivian that Titania did not know, to Titania’s life at the academy, and even the tales of the Queen Dowager’s youth, they talked without end.
“...I am a little tired.”
How much time had passed like that? They had talked without even realizing the sun was setting, and the Queen Dowager let out a long sigh, leaning back against the bed. Seeing her grandmother, who had already looked weary, now exhausted, Titania grew restless and slowly supported her.
“...Shall I call a maid?”
“...No. I should rest a little.”
Perhaps she truly was greatly exhausted, for the Queen Dowager, her eyelashes neatly lowered, whispered softly. Titania supported her and slowly laid her down on the bed, arranging the pillow and cushions as she settled the Queen Dowager in.
Each time she supported her, the Queen Dowager’s gaunt bones and dry skin brushed against Titania’s fingertips, stirring all manner of emotions within her. She hated herself for having acted spoiled before her grandmother, who would not have seemed strange collapsing at any moment.
Lying on the bed, the Queen Dowager let out a tired breath and steadied her breathing. Just as Titania was about to rise so as not to disturb her grandmother’s rest, the Queen Dowager placed her hand on the back of Titania’s hand.
“...Titania.”
“Yes... Grandmother.”
Then, with her eyes closed, the Queen Dowager continued in a voice so small it almost sounded like she was speaking to herself.
“...If it is according to the promise, the day you meet will soon come.”
“Yes...? What does that...”
“...I am tired. I should rest.”
The Queen Dowager said nothing more. With her eyes quietly closed, she breathed evenly and drifted into sleep. What did her grandmother mean by saying that the day they would meet would come? Titania tilted her head as if she did not understand, but the Queen Dowager gave no answer.
After confirming that the Queen Dowager lying in bed had fallen asleep, Titania finally rose from her seat and smiled gently as she looked down at her. Wishing with all her heart that her grandmother would live for a long, long time. Praying earnestly that she would recover soon, she clasped her hands together and made a wish.
“...Sleep well, Grandmother.”
*
Time passed, and passed again.
Beyond the turning of the seasons, on a bitterly cold winter day.
When Titania woke from a sweet sleep.
The news delivered by a maid who came running once again shattered the pillar that had been supporting Titania. With the sensation that her heart had fallen and was rolling across the floor, Titania rose from her seat and ran to the place the maid guided her.
It had happened truly suddenly. Her grandmother, who until just yesterday had shown no signs of anything and had exchanged ordinary greetings with her with a smile, had suddenly passed away. Truly, suddenly.
Titania somehow walked on trembling legs, but midway, the strength left them and she collapsed in the corridor. The maid somehow brought Titania to the place where the Queen Dowager lay asleep.
At the place of the Queen Dowager’s passing, Vinsho and the ministers, who had arrived before her, were weeping and shedding tears. The atmosphere seemed to tell her that all of this was real, and Titania shed tears once more.
Supported by the maid, Titania slowly approached the place where the Queen Dowager lay.
Her grandmother had already breathed her last, but her appearance, as if she were merely asleep, was so peaceful that it was difficult to believe she had passed away. Truly, she looked as though she might open her eyes at any moment.
Her grandmother, eyes closed, wore a small smile. As if, rather than grieving over her own departure, she were comforting those who remained. It was a warm smile that seemed to console everyone left in this place.
Once again, Titania shed tears at the death of family. She wanted to collapse to the floor at once, weeping and wailing, but that would not be courteous to her grandmother, who smiled at her until the very end.
With trembling hands, Titania took her grandmother’s cold hand, brought it to her lips, and offered a prayer. She prayed with the farewell that she had truly been happy to be born as her granddaughter.
When the prayer ended, Vinsho called Titania.
“Princess...”
“...Ah.”
Titania lowered the Queen Dowager’s hand and turned her head to look around.
The colors of the people around her felt like cold gray. The gazes of the people looking at her felt like a cold snowstorm pouring down from a gray sky on a bitterly cold winter day.
Titania felt the things she had dimly sensed since childhood reach her heart. She had known that a day like this would come someday, but now that it had arrived, it was this terrifying.
I see.
There is no longer anyone here I can call “family” to support me.
Here, there is no longer Grandmother, who was always by my side, nor Mother.
Vinsho, wiping away his tears, said in a choked voice that he would prepare the funeral. Titania lifted her head and looked out the window. The blizzard continued, and the sun could not be seen in that terrible winter.
The sky, dyed a dark, murky deep gray, was busily scattering white snow without rest. The sound of the wind slipping through the window was like the sound of a woman wailing.
Titania felt that voice was like the sound of her own wailing. Like the cry of a banshee (wailing woman), mourning her grandmother’s death and pitying the self who would be left alone from now on.