[Episode 118] - Was I the Only One Who Didn’t Know? (1)
“Bring my mother before me right now!!”
Titania, crushing the letter in her hand, let out a shriek like a death cry. The sound, vomited forth as if from her very gut, reverberated throughout the room. Mother is leaving? Why? She said she would wait for me. There was no way Mother would lie to me. Why in the world would Mother...!
“Mother...!”
She wanted to scream it once more, but in the end, her voice trailed off, unable to finish the words. Even as she spoke them, they lacked any sense of reality. Could all of this be a nightmare? Was she still asleep at the Academy, lost in a dream?
Titania wanted to believe she was dreaming.
A terrible nightmare, yet a reality that would vanish upon waking.
A reality she could laugh off, saying it had merely been a nightmare.
She prayed it would be so.
None of this could possibly feel so unreal.
Because the letters Mother sent every month had always been filled with longing for her. Saying she wanted to see her, that she wished Titania would return soon, that she truly loved her.
She was certain that not a single lie was contained in those letters brimming with affection.
But then, what in the world was happening? Now that she had finally returned, she was told that Mother had left this place.
Not only that, but it was something that had been planned from the very beginning. Since she was six years old, ever since Father passed away, all of this had been decided. Therefore, her leaving the palace was unavoidable.
That was what was written in the short letter Mother had left behind.
‘It was already planned.’
Then why?
If you knew you would leave this place, why did you love me so dearly? Why did you cherish me and treat me like a treasure, as if you would live by my side for the rest of my life? Why in the world?
If you knew you would leave the palace,
You should have hated me like before.
You should have tormented me like before.
You should have ignored me like before.
Instead of that, you loved me all this time.
You made me unable to live without you.
Can you live without me?
I cannot.
Just thinking that you are not by my side, I feel as if I cannot go on living.
You...
In the end, tears flowed from Titania’s eyes. One drop, then two, trailing down her cheeks endlessly. Whenever she cried like this, Mother had always wiped her tears away. Was it because there was no longer anyone to wipe them away? The tears gathered at her chin, unable to bear their weight, and fell to the floor with soft plops.
As she sat there, neither wiping her tears nor doing anything but letting them fall, the sound of the door bursting open reached her ears. Through the gap, the Queen Dowager, leaning on her cane, slowly walked in.
“Titania.”
“Grandmother...”
The Queen Dowager smiled bitterly and looked at Titania. Titania scrambled toward her, nearly falling to her knees, and looked up pleadingly. Because the Queen Dowager was the only one who could tell her that all of this was a lie.
And so, pleadingly, Titania sought to confirm the truth.
“G-Grandmother... Mother... the news that Mother left is a lie... right? Right?”
The Queen Dowager looked at Titania, who was clinging to her, and sighed.
She knew that Titania had been dependent on Vivian. Though the two were not mother and daughter by blood, they were close enough that anyone who saw them would think they were.
Seeing the two of them, there had been much talk among those around them. It was said that it was unsightly for a princess who would one day become a queen to cling so to her foster mother. Truly, many words had been exchanged.
That at the very least, Vivian should be gradually distanced from Titania’s side. That Vivian was ruining Titania’s chance to become independent. This was not the first time such words had been spoken.
The Queen Dowager had somewhat agreed when she heard such talk. It was true that Titania depended on Vivian, and she had not shown any sign of becoming independent on her own. But—
If even Vivian disappeared, there would be no one left by Titania’s side. Both her birth mother and father were dead. It was Vivian who had given her the love she deserved to receive from her parents.
The Queen Dowager had ignored those surrounding remarks until now, thinking that taking even that from Titania would be too cruel. If something happened to Titania, she would take responsibility. She would bear it herself.
‘In the end, I am the one who must wield the whip.’
And now, believing the time had come for her to take responsibility, the Queen Dowager let out a short sigh. She had told Vivian to write down the reason she had to leave the palace in her letter, but as expected, it was not enough.
The Queen Dowager struck the cane she held against the floor with a sharp thud! She gazed at Titania, who was clutching at her hem and pleading desperately, then let out another short, heavy sigh and answered.
“It is not a lie. Vivian has left, and as she is no longer queen, she is no longer your foster mother either.”
At those words, Titania wept once more. The Queen Dowager’s gaze, which had felt warm though slightly frightening in her childhood, now felt unbearably cruel and cold.
“...Has Mother truly left...?”
“Yes.”
“...Grandmother, surely you knew...?”
“Yes.”
“Then... why... was I... the only one who didn’t know...?”
Titania asked, kneeling on the floor. Why was she the only one who hadn’t known? Why had no one told her? Why had they hidden it from her all this time? Her lips opened and closed as she asked.
“You said this was decided since I was six years old... Then...”
“I judged that you had no need to know.”
Only after seeing the Queen Dowager’s reaction did Titania realize that all of this was reality. ‘Mother really has left my side.’ Her body trembled as the realization sank in.
A stifled sob began to leak from Titania’s throat as she clung to the Queen Dowager.
“Why...... why didn’t you tell me? If I had known, if I had merely known, I would never have harbored these feelings, never have felt this way! At the very least...! If I had at least known...!”
The Queen Dowager stood in place and looked down at Titania. Her eyes were stained red, while in contrast her complexion was deathly pale, almost white. The gaze of her granddaughter looking up at her was filled with resentment.
The Queen Dowager quietly watched that sight. She didn’t pat her shoulder, whisper in a gentle voice, or even apologize for this situation. She simply did not avoid the gaze of Titania, who knelt and looked up at her with resentment.
“Why did you do this..?! Why! Do you know what state of mind, what feelings I endured that prison-like Academy for three years?! It was all for Mother! The only thing that sustained me was the letters she sent me!”
Titania shouted furiously. She cried, she sobbed, she confronted the Queen Dowager. She grabbed at the Queen Dowager’s skirt, scratched at it, screamed. This wouldn’t bring Mother back, but if she didn’t do this, she felt as if she would go mad.
“It wasn’t just the Academy... For over ten years, the only reason I’ve been able to survive is because of Mother! And yet, how could you do this to me...? Will I really never see her again? I didn’t even get to see the moment she left the palace... You should have at least given me a chance to say goodbye...”
Titania’s sobbing voice stabbed the Queen Dowager’s heart like a knife.
Terrible guilt and regret. She had expected this reaction, but seeing it with her own eyes, her heart ached as if burning with guilt.
So the Queen Dowager did not stop Titania’s weeping. Simply standing still and accepting her granddaughter’s emotions was the only thing she, as a blood relative, could do.
Looking down at Titania’s body trembling like an aspen tree, the Queen Dowager swallowed dryly to soothe her burning throat. Baengsyo extended a hand to Titania, who had collapsed to a sitting position, but Titania ignored it.
“Where... where did Mother...”
The words would not come out properly, choked by sobs.
‘I have to find her. I must find her. I have to bring her back. I have to bring her back here. Please, help me do that.’ Titania looked up at the Queen Dowager with a gaze mixed with resentment and pleading.
“I do not know. After leaving the palace, Vivian told no one where she was going.”
“Ah...”
At the sight of Titania looking down at the floor with tears streaming down, the Queen Dowager shook her off, turned away, and headed for the door. Stopping with her hand on the doorknob, she muttered as if to herself.
“In two years, when you turn twenty, your coronation ceremony as queen will be held. When that time comes, I will either die or withdraw to the detached palace again, so see to things as you will.”
“Die...! Your Majesty the Queen Dowager...!”
“I trust you understood me.”
Baengsyo called out to the Queen Dowager as if asking what she meant, but the Queen Dowager ignored Baengsyo and continued. Yes, at most, it was only two years from now.
Two years until Titania became queen.
They say time is the best medicine, don’t they?
Hoping that by then Titania’s heart would have calmed somewhat, the Queen Dowager walked out of the room, leaning on her cane and ordering the maids to look after Titania. As she did so, she commanded Baengsyo, who had followed her out.
“...For the time being, leave Titania to do as she pleases. Given Vivian’s personality, she will be hiding somewhere Titania cannot easily find anyway.”
“...Yes, Your Majesty the Queen Dowager.”
The Queen Dowager, stopping briefly in the corridor, coughed a few times and let out a long sigh.
“It hurts...”
Both body and heart.
Everything hurt as if being torn apart.
Baengsyo, seeing this, supported the Queen Dowager in a panic.
“Your Majesty the Queen Dowager... please take care of your health...”
“...Do not nag me. This was necessary.”
*
After the incident with the Queen Dowager, Titania locked herself in her room for several days and did not come out. Seeing her confine herself as she had in her youth, Baengsyo could only sigh as she looked at the firmly shut door.
“Your Highness... I will leave a meal in front of the door.”
As expected, no answer came from behind the tightly closed door. Baengsyo recalled the past, let out a deep sigh, then turned and went back the way she had come.
Inside the room, Titania had drawn the curtains, blocking even sunlight from entering, and spent several days lying in bed. A sticky heaviness—whether anger or sorrow she could not tell—clung to her entire body, and she had no strength whatsoever.
Having lost her place of reliance after Mother left, Titania wandered, unable to find where to set her heart. With Mother, who had been the anchor of her life, gone, it felt as if a hole had been pierced through her chest.
She thought and thought again with a cooled head, but reality did not change. What was the use of trying so hard? Mother would not return here anyway.
Titania felt as if all of this was a punishment.
A punishment for harboring feelings she shouldn’t have had for Mother.
So she thought this result might have been predetermined.
But if she had known she would collapse this quickly, she would have confessed her feelings long ago.
That she loved her.
That she loved Mother not as family, but as a person.
She had wanted to make that confession and hear Mother’s answer.
That she loved Mother.
What Mother thought of a daughter who had fallen in love with her foster mother.
That she was no longer a child who knew nothing.
Whether Mother could not see her as an adult.
That she would accept rejection, if only Mother would stay by her side.
She wanted to ask the mother who had left her side.
‘Was leaving me truly for the best?’
She wanted to bring Mother before her and hear the answer face to face.
Titania, who had pulled the covers over her head, shed tears once more. She had thought her tears had dried from crying so much, but they came endlessly, choking her throat painfully. After sniffling like that for a long time—
“Really, you look like a beggar. Who would think this was a princess’s room?”
Suddenly the covers were thrown upward, and someone’s sigh was heard. Rubbing her eyes blurred with tears, Titania saw Veronica, smiling bitterly, enter her vision.
“Veronica... Sister...”
“...Hello, beggar-like Titania.”