[Episode 112] - Between Mother-in-law and Daughter-in-law.
“Hurry! Where is Her Highness the Queen Dowager?!”
“T-This way!”
Truly, I ran without stopping until my breath rose to my throat.
I ran so fast I wondered if I had ever run this quickly since possessing this body. I hadn’t even dressed properly and was running in my nightclothes, so I pretended not to notice the maids chasing after me from behind with my clothes in their arms.
Only when my mouth tasted bitter from exertion did I, Baengsyo, and the maids who had followed with a blanket to wrap around me all arrive at the place where the Queen Dowager had supposedly been carried.
In front of the firmly shut door, I caught my excited breath, then carefully curled my hand into a fist and knocked. Then, from inside the room, the Queen Dowager’s healthy voice rang out.
“Come in.”
“Phew...”
At the sound of the Queen Dowager’s voice, Baengsyo and I let out sighs of relief at the same time. When they said she had collapsed, I thought she was unconscious or in some critical condition, but fortunately, it seemed she was conscious.
“Excuse me.”
When I entered the room, I saw the Queen Dowager sitting on the bed. Seeing her looking quite well, another sigh of relief escaped me without my realizing it. Truly, I thought my heart would stop from worry.
As Baengsyo and I entered the room, the Queen Dowager frowned and asked,
“What is all this commotion?”
“Of course there should be commotion when they say Your Highness has collapsed! Look at the state I’m in! I didn’t even get dressed and ran here in my nightclothes! Please look at the state of your daughter-in-law, who was so startled by the news that Mother had collapsed that she ran all the way here in her nightclothes!”
I spread both arms to show myself. When I showed her that I had run all the way here in nightclothes too embarrassing to be seen by others, the Queen Dowager clicked her tongue as though she had seen something she ought not have and turned her head away from me.
“Did someone threaten you into wearing only your nightclothes in the middle of the day?”
“Huh?!”
“Do not make such a fuss just because an old woman collapsed once.”
At the Queen Dowager’s answer, I was so dumbfounded that a hollow laugh burst out of me. I had truly been worried and had run here barefoot in my nightclothes, yet with her acting like this, I almost felt wronged for having come running.
When I let out another deep sigh, the maid who had chased after me draped a large blanket over my shoulders. After thanking the maid who had covered me with the blanket, I slowly moved to the Queen Dowager’s side.
“So, why did you collapse? What did the physician say? Where exactly are you unwell?”
“......It is nothing, so pay it no mind.”
“People do not collapse over nothing, Your Highness.”
I asked worriedly, but I had no expectation that the Queen Dowager would answer. After all, the Queen Dowager I knew had that kind of personality. She was not someone who would answer even if I questioned her this persistently.
After letting out a sigh of frustration, I forcibly took hold of the Queen Dowager’s hand, which was hidden under the blanket. The Queen Dowager shouted at me to stop, but I deliberately ignored her. It meant she did not even have the strength to push me away.
The Queen Dowager’s wrinkled hand was so light it felt as if only skin and bones remained. She did not even have the strength to make a fist, so her hand merely seemed to wrap around mine. When I held the Queen Dowager’s bony hand, emotion welled up within me.
“...Since when have you been ill?”
“...It has been quite some time since I became like this.”
“Then why did you not tell me...!”
Just as I was about to shout with that surging, boiling emotion.
“...Could it be that I was the only one here who didn’t know?”
When I turned my head and glared at Baengsyo as if I would kill him, Baengsyo turned his head away with a pitiful expression, avoiding my gaze. That action was, rather, all the confirmation I needed to my question.
Ha, a hollow laugh escaped me on its own. With just a little thought, I could understand why they had not told only me. Because I would soon be leaving the royal castle. Because they did not want to worry me when I was about to leave.
It was surely a silence born of goodwill.
But if that goodwill was discovered by the person concerned, it was no goodwill at all.
Rather, it was an act of stabbing a dagger into that person’s heart.
At the pain of a dagger lodging in my chest, I bit down hard on my lower lip.
Was this something to hide? If she was sick, she could have simply said she was sick. What was the point of foolishly hiding it until she collapsed like this...! When I tightened my grip on the Queen Dowager’s hand, the Queen Dowager sighed and looked at me.
“Do not make such a fuss. It is truly nothing, which is why I did not tell you. It is not something for you, who will soon be leaving, to worry over, so pay it no more mind.”
The Queen Dowager speaking so calmly, as though it truly were nothing, only made my heart ache more. It felt as though her desire not to cause me worry until the very end was flowing into me through the hand I held.
“Your Highness, if I had not known that you were ill until I left the royal castle, and after I left, I heard that Your Highness had passed away.”
I clasped the Queen Dowager’s hand tightly and met her eyes.
“I would live the rest of my life in regret. I would blame myself, wondering why I did not know when I had been so close then, and live on regretting it and despairing. Does Your Highness wish for me to live that way?”
The Queen Dowager said nothing. She moved her lips as though choosing what to say to me, but all that came out was a heavy sigh. I stroked the back of the Queen Dowager’s bony hand and gave a bitter smile.
“...I will believe you do not.”
I gently set down the Queen Dowager’s hand I had been holding and let out a sigh. Then I turned my head and looked at Baengsyo, who stood behind me. Since the Queen Dowager would not tell me, I had no choice but to ask Baengsyo.
“Baengsyo, how long has Her Highness the Queen Dowager been like this?”
Baengsyo glanced at the Queen Dowager sitting on the bed, then eventually sighed and answered my question. It seemed Baengsyo had also realized he could no longer smooth over this situation.
“...Since around last year. The physicians said it was not an illness, but simply a matter of Her Highness the Queen Dowager’s stamina. Her Highness the Queen Dowager has continued handling official duties until this age... so one could say it is only natural.”
“...I see. Thank goodness it is not an illness.”
The Queen Dowager was already well past seventy, so if one said it was natural, then it was natural. She had nearly single-handedly taken charge of state affairs until this age. In the end, it seemed the limits that came with age had arrived.
“...For now, let us do this for the time being. First, Her Highness the Queen Dowager will recuperate here. During that time, the ministers and I will take charge of state affairs.”
...There was the option of having Titania, the remaining royal, return from the Academy, but I did not want to do that. Besides, I was still the “queen” for now. I had no choice but to act in Her Highness the Queen Dowager’s stead. It would be difficult, but if Baengsyo and the other ministers helped, we would somehow manage.
“Th-That would be fine for us, but will Your Highness the Queen be all right?”
“Why? Do I seem so unreliable to you?”
“Ah, no, that is not what I meant! As you know, Your Highness the Queen will soon...”
He meant, would it be all right when I would soon leave the royal castle?
Even if I received Baengsyo and the other ministers’ help, taking care of state affairs would not be easy. Even if I had worked roughly as queen until now, it would be on a completely different level from the work the Queen Dowager had done.
I turned my head and looked at the Queen Dowager again. Normally, she would have said, “You are treating me entirely like an old woman put out to pasture,” but the Queen Dowager did not. She merely sat quietly, looking at Baengsyo and me.
When I looked at the Queen Dowager as if asking whether it would be all right for me to do so, the Queen Dowager laid her hand over the back of mine, as though there was no helping it. The Queen Dowager’s hand, stroking the back of mine with its rough palm, felt warmer than usual.
Smiling softly, I asked the Queen Dowager,
“...May I do that?”
“...I am sorry.”
At that apology containing permission, I could only smile bitterly.
“Please don’t be sorry. When I leave the royal castle, I’m going to collect everything, including payment for all this work.”
“You impudent thing...”
The Queen Dowager and I met eyes and let out quiet chuckles. As if even that brief laughter tired her, the Queen Dowager stopped laughing, let out a deep sigh, and glanced at me from the corner of her eye.
“...Do not tell Titania. I do not wish to make the child, who has only just gone out to see the world, worry needlessly.”
“I will do so. So for the time being, please recuperate and focus only on recovering your health. I will come by every day and keep watch to see whether you are resting properly.”
“I suppose I will not be bored.”
With a bitter smile, I rose from my seat and took Baengsyo out of the room. I had intended to spend the next three years lazing around in my room and thinking about how I would live after leaving the royal castle, but since the situation had become like this, I could not just keep idling about.
As I walked down the corridor, I let out a long sigh and ordered Baengsyo,
“Summon all the ministers in the capital to the royal palace by tomorrow. We must discuss what is to be done going forward.”
“Yes, Your Highness the Queen.”
*
A few days later, Titania’s first letter arrived.
With a glad heart, I opened the envelope and asked a maid to brew me some tea. When I opened the letter, I noticed its rows of round, adorable handwriting. I took a sip of the tea the maid had served and a bite of the snack, then began to read the letter Titania had sent.
「To my beloved Mother.」
「I’m sorry for sending my letter late. A lot happened after I arrived at the Academy. The entrance ceremony, being assigned a room, and things like that. For a few days after I arrived at the Academy, everything was truly hectic.」
「Ah, Sister Veronica had arrived first. As expected, she was in Princess Fiona’s appearance this time too. She says to call her Fiona at the Academy, but I’m a little uncomfortable with that face. It reminds me of the past.」
「They say it takes a week for letters to go back and forth between the Academy and the royal castle. If I could, I would like to send you a letter every week, Mother, but Ainsel said once a month is enough, so from now on, I’ll send you a letter once a month.」
「Every month from now on, I’ll look forward to the letters you send me, Mother. I want to hear not only about you, but also about the royal castle.」
As I read the letter while sipping my tea, I took a fountain pen, ink, and the stationery I had prepared from the desk and began to think about what to write.
I dipped the nib of the fountain pen in ink and set it down on the stationery, but when I actually tried to write the letter, the words would not come. In the end, around the time the ink-soaked nib had dried up.
I dipped the nib in ink again and began to write on the stationery.
「To my beloved daughter, Titania.」
「Only after reading your letter saying you had arrived at the Academy did I finally feel at ease.」
「After you left for the Academy, I...」