Episode 91
“I could have found you other work. In a factory, or as a maid. But I didn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to have you, and I happened to have money.”
“……”
“So blame me. Hate me for showing your young self only one path and giving you no other choice.”
It was a calm yet sincere confession. One she had never imagined would come from his lips. Silence fell, and Rowena, averting her gaze, closed her eyes.
“What does that change?”
Nothing changed. The past had to be left as the past, stagnant where it was, while she moved forward.
“I don’t want to be entangled with you anymore. I want to forget everything and start over.”
“For that, the resentment you carry is far too deep.”
“I told you last time that I had completely forgotten you……”
“You haven’t. Struggling desperately not to think of someone isn’t forgetting. It’s running away.”
Killian whispered to Rowena, who would not look at him even once until the end.
“I’ll struggle with all I have not to be abandoned by you, so you can watch me, laugh at me, and toy with me.”
* * *
A week passed in the blink of an eye. With the news that Cedric had arrived safely in Ethelwood, Rowena was able to set one worry aside.
But she was not at peace. As if the words he had spoken to her had been sincere, Killian slipped into her daily life at every turn. It began with freshly bloomed flowers being placed in her room every three days, and continued with his inviting her to dinner every evening.
The only time she could breathe was when she went outside during the day with Cecilia.
“My legs hurt. I think I’ll sit here and rest for a while.”
“Will you? I’ll walk a little more. I feel stifled.”
“Go ahead. If it gets late, I’ll return first.”
Cecilia sat down on a chair in the cafeteria with one of the maids attending her.
Leaving Cecilia leisurely fanning herself beneath the awning, Rowena headed toward the lake with another maid. It was then that a noblewoman strolling by the lakeside with a parasol recognized her.
“Could it be…… Rowena?”
At the voice calling her, Rowena stopped without thinking and turned around. At the same moment, both women’s eyes widened.
“……Countess Rachel?”
“So it really is you.”
The countess looked at Rowena with eyes filled with complicated emotions—joy, worry, and more—and smiled faintly.
There was too much to say while standing by the roadside. The two naturally moved to a bench where there were few people.
“So the rumors were true after all.”
“Rumors?”
“That a beautiful woman with blond hair and green eyes was meeting with the Duke of Devonshire.”
That was why she had been startled the moment she saw Rowena, only to accept it soon after. When Rowena blinked, surprised in turn, the countess told her the story.
“Don’t worry. The rumors haven’t reached Ethelwood yet. I only heard them after I came here on my trip. I wondered if it could possibly be you……”
“Countess……”
She was someone who had treated Rowena sincerely in society and cared for her. Though it had not been for long, Rowena had depended on her just as much. She did not regret escaping Killian, but seeing the countess’s face, aged further in the meantime, brought a rush of apology and guilt.
As Rowena merely moved her lips, unable to say anything, the countess clasped her hand tightly.
“A great deal has happened to you, hasn’t it?”
Instead of answering, Rowena nodded briefly. Then came words like a bombshell.
“Was the young gentleman with you your son?”
Startled, Rowena snapped her head up. Before she could deny it, the countess read the truth in her aimlessly trembling pupils and pulled her firmly into an embrace.
“You poor thing…… How hard it must have been.”
“……”
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize.”
It was not through guesswork or investigation that she had discovered the truth, but through the perceptiveness and intuition born of experience. Rowena tried to push her away in confusion, but at the gentle hand patting her back, she let the strength drain from her body. The countess wiped away her tears with a handkerchief and asked softly after her.
“It’s late, but I’m truly glad you’re alive. The child is well too, isn’t he?”
“Yes. Though he isn’t here right now.”
“What do you mean, he isn’t here?”
“Well……”
Her conflict over whether to keep it a secret lasted only a moment. Her maternal uncle Jeremy, who had watched her back and tied up loose ends when she fled to that place, had been in occasional contact with her, but lately he had been so busy abroad preparing his next work and lectures that he had no time to spare.
At Loren’s request not to make him worry, their last contact had already been two months ago.
Cedric had also left the country to get Loren’s medicine, and there was no one by her side.
Rowena wanted to tell someone about her situation and receive comfort and advice. And Countess Rachel was someone who had stood by her until the very end.
“Can you swear you won’t tell anyone?”
Having made up her mind, Rowena asked the countess. The countess, surprised by her resolute eyes, remained silent for a moment before quietly nodding.
Rowena, her resolve firm, turned her head toward the maid who had followed her.
“Go back first. Tell Miss Cecilia to return ahead of me as well.”
“Pardon?”
“Must I say it again?”
“But…… I cannot leave a lady alone.”
Not because it was dangerous, but because you won’t be able to keep watch over me. When she had married Cedric, Cecilia’s help had allowed her to shake them off, but not this time. Swallowing a bitter smile, Rowena gestured toward the countess with her eyes.
“I’ve been invited to dinner tonight.”
“And who might this be?”
At the maid’s words, the maid attending the countess cut in.
“How rude. This is Countess Rachel, and she is a close friend of the Marchioness Aldir. Watch your tongue.”
After wavering for a moment at the firm response, the maid eventually trudged away. The countess held out her hand.
“Then shall we go?”
* * *
The countess’s lodging was not far away. There was no need to take a carriage; once they left the park, it was close by.
It was hard to begin speaking over the meal, but once she opened her mouth, the story flowed out smoothly. During dinner, Rowena told her everything.
Starting from her first meeting with Killian, how she had been abandoned, how they had met again and how she had escaped. And what circumstances she had been caught in now that she had been seized again here.
By the time the long story ended, the sun that had hung high in the sky was already sinking toward the horizon.
After listening to Rowena’s story with grave attention, the countess let out a heavy sigh.
“I expected as much…… but it was an even deeper and heavier story than I imagined.”
“I don’t want to be swayed by him anymore.”
“Then what is the problem?”
“I thought I had finally escaped, but in the end, he seized me by the leash again.”
“You’re going to run away soon anyway. And even if you don’t yet have a wedding ring, you’re a married woman now. As long as the law isn’t invoked by the party concerned, even His Grace can do nothing about it.”
Everything she said was exactly right. Listening quietly to the countess, Rowena set down the utensil she had been holding.
“You’re uncomfortable with the way he has changed and want to avoid him. And above all, something inside you has not ended.”
“I have completely erased him.”
Rowena, stung, lifted her lowered head. With a serious expression, the countess denied her words.
“No. You have not.”
“How would you know that? You aren’t me. It’s someone else’s affair, so you can say it so easily……”
“I am not saying it easily. I have seen all kinds of cases in my life.”
The countess cut off Rowena’s agitated words without mercy, then abruptly threw out a shocking question.
“Rowena. Since you told me your secret, I will tell you mine. How many mistresses do you think my husband has?”
“……”
It was the first time Rowena had heard such a thing. Drawing in a startled breath, she stared silently at the countess. She and her husband were famous in society for being a devoted couple.
“And illegitimate children?”
“Countess……”
As if to reassure the frozen Rowena, the countess smiled and shrugged.
“I stopped counting when there were three. In any case, the right of inheritance will go to the eldest son I bore, and my secure position as countess will remain intact.”
Rowena, at a loss for words, stared at her in silence. Then she asked slowly.
“How could you do that?”
“Because in my heart, I let him go completely.”
It was a simple, clear answer. But the moment Rowena heard those words, a realization flashed through her mind like an alarm bell. As if she had read Rowena’s thoughts, the countess smiled softly and continued.
“That is what it means to erase a person completely. No matter what that person does, you feel no disturbance at all. No anger, no sorrow, not even interest.”
“I……”
At the piercing words, Rowena silently moved her lips. The countess was right. The instant she realized it, a chill ran through her as if all the blood were draining from her body, and all strength left her.
That was why Killian had been able to be so certain even as he clung to her. Because he had seen with his own eyes that he still affected her in some way.
As Rowena sank into thought, the countess drove in the final nail.
“Sometimes, changing your perspective is the answer, Rowena. For your sake, and for his as well.”
* * *
The countess’s words gave her much to think about. Even after returning to the mansion, Rowena thought and thought again about her suggestion. Until the moment the carriage arrived at the entrance and the coachman opened the door, her mind was filled solely with that thought.
She took the offered hand without even looking at it and stepped down, but a familiar scent shattered her reverie.
“Rowena.”
“……Your Grace.”
The person who had opened the door and escorted her like a servant was none other than Killian. Though it was rather late, he must have been waiting the entire time, for his appearance was disheveled. As soon as her feet touched the ground, Rowena withdrew her hand and asked quietly.
“Did you mean it? What you said about becoming my paramour.”