Episode 55. He acknowledged his wrongdoing, but he did not ask for forgiveness.
If he admitted and apologized, he would have to grant her wish, and that wish would surely be to be freed from him. Each time he faced the sincerity she occasionally revealed, seemingly obedient on the surface, he hardened his heart resolutely. The night he had unilaterally announced their engagement to place shackles around her ankles had been the same. Recalling the eyes that had blazed with fury and pushed him away, his chest throbbed.
Apart from that, he understood Rowena’s position as well. It was only natural for her to be angry, and not strange for her to push him away.
But she had not. Rowena had acted in the opposite manner. Last time she had lost her reason and resisted, but soon submitted, and now too she was quietly preparing for the engagement ceremony. That very fact became a source of unease that gripped him. She was a woman whose thoughts he could read just by looking at her face, yet now he could not tell. Outwardly obedient, but what thoughts she harbored within.
He wished he could enter even the dreams of the sleeping woman. He wanted to enter within and know what emotions she held as she looked at him, and until when she would hide the child’s existence. He also wanted to know how he could completely erase the past from five years ago.
As he gazed at the woman wordlessly, Rowena’s lips moved. The moment he reflexively brought his ear close, he froze.
“I’m sorry. Damian…”
“….”
“I… for a woman like me… to be your mother… I’m sorry….”
The stability found in her cool body temperature lasted only a moment before tears rolled down her cheeks. At the same time, Killian clutched his left chest at an unfathomable agony. A pain incomparable to moments before swept over him. It felt as though someone were gouging his heart with a sharp dagger.
“Rowena.”
At the sound of his voice, she slowly opened her eyes. Killian took in the sight of her long lashes clumped with tears and her moist pupils. Not yet fully awake, hazy green irises looked up at him.
“Killian.”
“….”
“I hate you.”
“…
I know.”
An even greater agony than before surged through him. Killian barely managed to compose his expression.
“No. You don’t. You won’t.”
“Then tell me. How much you resent me.”
“I don’t want to.”
Perhaps convinced it was a dream, Rowena, having refused firmly, brushed away his hand that had been wiping her tears and turned to the other side.
As he reached out to smooth her disheveled blonde hair, Killian’s left arm trembled faintly. Grasping his arm with his right hand, he let out a stifled groan. He had casually dismissed Jenok’s words, but the intervals were gradually shortening and the pain growing worse. Catching his breath, Killian waited for the agony to subside.
He could not leave this country, this castle, or this woman’s side. Not until he had bound her completely to his side by law.
* * *
The journey to the island was smooth. Despite the long voyage, nothing occurred that would hinder them, save for minor issues. The weather remained sunny throughout, and the sea was calm. Damian, on a ship for the first time, far from getting seasick, ran around the deck every night.
“Mom! How big is Rophs Island?”
“Well? About twice the size of the capital, perhaps?”
“It’s huge! Will there be lots of friends my age?”
“I don’t know about that. There will be plenty of older brothers, though.”
Gazing at the calm night tide, Rowena stroked Damian’s head. While Damian, who had been stomping his feet excitedly, went off to bed holding his nanny’s hand, she thought of the dawn she had left this place.
It was a dawn no words could describe. A dawn she could never forget for as long as she lived.
Her tears had dried up, and the emotions poured out the night before no longer remained. She was merely a hollow shell, an empty husk. Carrying only a light bag, she had abruptly left the villa. Without a single soul to hold her back, she had boarded the first ship. On a vessel far smaller and shabbier than this one, she had intended to throw herself into the sea.
More than wanting to die, she had simply wanted to disappear. Like the mermaid from a certain fairy tale, she had wanted to become foam and be scattered and absorbed into the sea. She had wanted her name, her flesh, and her soul all scattered thoroughly, erasing even the memories of love and the long, long night as if they had never existed.
If only she had not been conscious of Damian’s existence just before carrying out her resolve.
Though he was Killian’s child, whom she hated and resented so deeply, she had not harbored a single thought of erasing him, she swore to the heavens. Even though he resembled his father to the point of rendering worthless the ten months she had carried him in her womb.
“Kyah!”
While she was lost in thought, someone approached from behind and embraced her. Though it was full spring, the sea breeze was chilly. Before Rowena could turn around in surprise, Killian draped a thick shawl over her shoulders and pulled her long blonde hair out to fall over it.
“Rowena.”
“You startled me.”
Patting her chest, Rowena glared at him without any real resentment. With his hand placed over hers on the railing, Killian kissed her temple.
Accustomed now both to his consideration in draping a shawl over her and to such physical affection, Rowena quietly relaxed her tensed body.
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing.”
“You bite your lower lip when you’re thinking about something.”
“Excuse me?”
It was the first time she had heard that. Turning sharply to face Killian, she asked again with an expression of disbelief.
“Is that true? I have such a habit?”
“You didn’t know.”
“You’re lying.”
“It’s true.”
Smirking, Killian lowered his gaze to her bare neck.
“You haven’t been wearing the necklace lately.”
“Well….”
Caught off guard by the sharp remark, Rowena laughed awkwardly and made an excuse.
“The engagement necklace you gave me is so precious. I was afraid of losing it.”
The truth was, after learning its meaning, she simply could not bear to wear it around her neck. It felt like a sturdy collar, suffocating her.
“I’ll definitely wear it on the day. By the way, are the islanders faring well?”
Skillfully changing the subject, Rowena softly buried her cheek against his chest. Killian, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, unknowingly tightened his grip.
“…
Are you curious?”
They were people who had witnessed her miserable state with their own eyes. He could not understand why Rowena had chosen this island of all places, but he had already ordered the islanders’ quarters, including the steward’s, moved as far away from the villa as possible.
“Of course I’m curious. They were kind to me.”
Unlike the tense Killian, Rowena replied with a casual expression and pressed for an answer.
“Are they doing well? What about Tommy? Is he healthy?”
This time it was sincere, not an act. Though they had distanced themselves and looked at her differently the moment they learned she was a mistress, the memory of their kindness while she stayed alone on the island still remained warmly in her heart. Young Tommy, who had followed her around everywhere, even more so.
“If you’re curious.”
As if trying to read her thoughts, his deep blue eyes stared intently at her.
“See for yourself.”
“You don’t know after all. I hope they’re doing well. All right.”
Pouting her lips slightly, Rowena nodded. Adjusting his hold around her waist, Killian gazed at the calm night sea. Low waves lapped against the ship’s hull with a splash, and in the pitch-black sky, the moon peeking between the clouds cast a faint light upon them.
“It’s too cold. I want to go in now.”
As the wind grew chillier, Rowena snugged her shawl and subtly pushed at his chest. Just as she turned to leave, a low voice stopped her.
“Why.”
“….”
“Why this island?”
The question contained many meanings. Moreover, it invoked the incident five years ago that the two had implicitly avoided all this time.
“I believe I told you before. I want to overlay new memories upon the old.”
Rowena answered with a deliberately bright voice. She did not turn around. Even in the dark, she was afraid her expression might be seen.
“Then I’ll go in. Your Highness should come in quickly too. The night wind is truly cold.”
Quickly finishing her words, Rowena left the spot in brisk steps as if fleeing.
* * *
Getting down from the carriage holding Killian’s hand, Rowena rubbed her eyes.
“It’s changed so much.”
The villa had been completely rebuilt, leaving no trace of its appearance from five years ago. Even the flowers that had once bloomed in the garden were all different.
“They say it was all changed before you arrived. Do you like it?”
“Yes. It’s pretty. It feels brighter.”
Smiling faintly at Melissa’s remark, Rowena took Killian’s hand and entered the foyer. The steward’s family stood at the front of the servants to greet them.
“Welcome, Your Highness. Welcome, Lady Rowena.”
The steward bowed respectfully and greeted them with deference. Removing his gloves, Killian surveyed the hall meticulously. Wiping away cold sweat, the steward awaited his words.
Two months ago, orders had come down to leave not a single old trace in this villa. Recalling the day the dispatched architects and workers had rushed in and read the official documents still sent chills down his spine. Somehow meeting the deadline, the servants and even the islanders had been mobilized to complete the villa’s reconstruction and the surrounding landscaping, and only then could they breathe a sigh of relief.
“You’ve worked hard.”
Only after scrutinizing even the small ornaments on the stair railing with a hawk’s eye did approval finally fall from Killian’s lips.
“Thank you.”
The steward and servants, who had been watching his mouth in extreme tension, nearly let out internal sighs of relief at the same time.
With a much brighter face, the steward opened his mouth.
“You must be tired, so I have already had water warmed in the bathroom.”
Just as he turned his head to instruct a maid to guide her, Rowena spoke to the boy standing shyly with a delighted face.
“Tommy.”
Seeing Tommy, who had grown so much in the meantime, she keenly felt the passage of time. With a delighted face, Rowena held out her hand.