Episode 173
[Playback from Perloche's Perspective]
How many times have I repeated this now? I can no longer even remember.
Then again, I myself gave up counting the number of retries long ago. There was no point in counting. The countless failures permeating that enormous number only brought despair, after all.
"Gugu~! Time to eat!!"
I've repeated the retry so many times that I no longer need to cast suggestions or magic to deceive the Demon God.
Thanks to my soul and mental state being completely broken, just living as usual is enough for even the Demon God not to notice my true self.
Of course, at night or in dark spaces when the Demon God's surveillance weakens, I do bring out my true self little by little.
Of course, there's the intention to scheme while avoiding the Demon God's eyes, but there's also the reason of protecting myself through eons of time.
I leave the actions to my completely broken self and bury my true consciousness in the unconscious. You could think of it as a kind of auto-pilot.
If I didn't do even this, I wouldn't have been able to endure. If I had proceeded while enduring eons of time with a sound mind, I might have completely lost myself.
Come to think of it, Frey feels truly amazing anew. I don't know which of us spent more time, but he must have certainly felt this pain as well...
As expected, I still have a long way to go for atonement.
"Ah, ow! Not my hand! Eat your food!!"
Anyway, the reason I've momentarily brought out my consciousness now is to check the checklist.
To see and remember what I need to do at a glance, I wrote everything down on paper with each retry.
And I must periodically check whether I've missed anything. If even a small gap appears, I have to go back to the beginning.
[Checklist]
1. Pray to the Sun God every day to obtain 'Sun God's Protection'.
Obtaining 'Sun God's Protection' is important enough to be positioned first on the list.
It's a skill absolutely necessary to appeal to the Demon God that I continue to try to kill Frey, and at the same time, a skill absolutely necessary to save Frey from danger.
Yes, I've been doing this consistently.
From the moment Frey entered the academy when he entered the 2nd iteration from his perspective, every single day without fail.
That way, I'll appear to the Demon God, and to Frey, as a foolish saintess who tries to kill him recklessly.
It's the most effective method I found through countless regressions.
2. Deceive the Demon God while helping Frey.
I've naturally been doing this successfully.
During the auction house incident, I deliberately fired a finishing move at Frey knowing full well it wouldn't work, and pretended to be hit by Yukarius's illusion magic.
And while doing so, I deliberately made my way through the crowd gathered outside the auction house so that Kania could discover Frey's badge.
After that, I sent a foolish threatening letter and deliberately threw a maid uniform. And then, I even snapped the neck of Frey who had fallen from taking my blow.
It was quite excessive, but I had no choice. If I didn't do such things early on, I couldn't completely break the Demon God's suspicion.
Anyway, even if I snapped his neck there once, Frey doesn't die. That's because the 'emergency defense' system remains in the remnants of a system originally developed to help Frey.
Thanks to that, I don't cause him actual damage while being able to almost completely deceive the Demon God.
And during the commoner dormitory raid incident, I used holy power to deflect attacks so that commoners wouldn't get hurt while Irina could harbor suspicions...
When I went down to the church's basement with Frey, I deliberately in the room containing the stone tablet with important hints...
"...That's right! Our Gugu is so good!"
Never mind. If I review all of this, there won't be enough time. Anyway, the Demon God hasn't noticed until now, so it must be going well.
3. Achieve DLC entry conditions (adjusting the timing of five realizations)
This is both the most important and most difficult task.
I don't know how many retries I've done because I couldn't adjust this timing.
After realizing through countless retries that one of the conditions for activating 'the 2nd year DLC story' is for all five people including me to discover Frey's true identity.
I don't know how much I researched ways to accomplish that right before becoming a 2nd year.
Moreover, since a single coincidence is literally just a coincidence...
When I realized his true identity after countless regressions, I truly smiled sincerely for the first time in ages.
To think that small, cute girl was the key.
Now I can secretly work behind the scenes to make it inevitable, but...
Back when that was literally just a 'coincidence,' to find that condition...
Just how many regressions did I go through...
"Hwaam..."
Ah, I should yawn for now.
The most effective excuse when tears flow is yawning, after all.
- Swipe...
The checklist still had a lot remaining, but I just roughly folded it and shoved it in the drawer.
"Eugh..."
What should I do. It seems the limit has come again. This hasn't happened for quite a long time, why is it happening again.
"Euaah..."
Again, panic is starting to...
"...Ah."
Ha, oh my god.
What I've been feeding until now wasn't Gugu but a pencil. I scattered birdseed on the desk and was poking at it with a pencil.
Has my mind finally reached its limit? I thought I was holding on well until now? After coming all this way?
"Huu..."
I threw the pencil into the corner of my dormitory and started sighing with my head deeply bowed.
"Uu, uueugh..."
At the same time, tears began welling up in my eyes. I couldn't help it. It was just so frightening and scary.
"My soul... My soul feels like it's shattering into pieces..."
My mind and soul that I've barely held together have finally reached their limit. I've reached the limit of limits, and it feels like it would crumble at the slightest touch.
Probably, if I retried a few more times, it would become irreversible. Either my soul or my mind would completely shatter.
If that happens, what will become of me? If my mind completely collapses, can that still be called me? If my soul completely collapses, what kind of existence will I become?
"......."
Honestly, I'm not afraid of what happens to me. I was prepared for that. I thought it was something I had to accept from the moment I received the retry ability.
The reason I'm afraid right now is because I can't be certain if I can maintain my feelings for Frey after that.
Until now, I've endured eons of time solely with love and guilt toward him. I loved him that much, and I wanted to atone.
Of course, since I was human before being a saintess, I wavered at times. I've gone astray, I've destroyed, and I've become numb.
But ultimately, I returned to my place. Because Frey did so too. This is the path I chose to save him, so if I can't even follow his footsteps, I have no qualification, right? So I tried hard.
I did that, I tried to do that. Why won't my mind and soul cooperate? I can do more. I can try many more times, even double and triple what I've done until now...
"...Haa."
How did Frey manage to protect both his soul and mind? Back then, he also seemed to have reached his limit.
No, I shouldn't compare myself to him. It's my fault for being lacking in ability and failing to succeed in the DLC story even with this many regressions, unlike him who devoted himself for the world until the end.
It's all my fault...
"...Ugh."
I'm scared.
I'm scared that I might no longer be able to love you. I'm scared that I might forget you.
I'm afraid of forgetting the memories you and I shared, the countless connections made in past iterations, and the wrongs I committed against you.
I'm afraid of the flow of time that has grown too large to bear now. If that flow I'm barely holding back with the Sun God's small help and my fake personality finally bursts, I don't even want to imagine what I'll go through.
Please save me. I was wrong. I want to stop now. I want to give up. I can't do this anymore. Please...
- Smack!!
Just before my mind collapsed, I struck my cheek with all my might. I can't collapse yet. I can't end everything here.
"In the first place... it's not like you're the only one having a hard time, right?"
Thanks to the continuously repeating iterations, although by my standards, recently not only I as the subject of regression but also others' souls have started being affected.
Ordinary people and 'sub-heroines' who have little contact with Frey are less affected, but...
Kania, Irina, Clana, Serena... and for some reason Professor Isollet as well.
These five were particularly deeply affected in their souls.
Kania started realizing Frey's identity earlier than anyone else recently.
She was the one who realized Frey's identity the most times during countless regressions, and simultaneously had the most emotional exchanges while serving him.
Her heart of loyalty to Frey, her desire to serve him more than anyone else, had become etched too deeply into her soul.
Thanks to that, she who originally doubted and tested Frey for a long time even after realizing his identity, now came to deeply love Frey as much as Serena does within days of realizing his identity.
And the same was true for Irina and Clana.
Irina's puppy love toward Frey, and Clana's guilt toward Frey became etched into their souls.
Serena...
From when the DLC story was applied and a system was created where 'main heroines' memories return during Frey's 2nd iteration.
She had always noticed his identity and cast absolute obedience magic on herself.
Her betrayal of Frey, throughout all iterations... existed only in the iteration where Frey manipulated her feelings for him, the iteration where I gained retry.
Anyway.
Because of such situations, recently I was able to lessen the burden.
Of course, my guilt only grew.
I tried to bear everything alone, but in the end, I ended up affecting other people's souls as well.
To feel relieved receiving help because of that...
"...Huu."
No. There's no time even to feel guilt.
I need to stop wasting emotions now and proceed with the work.
"Hwaaaaah..."
I said that and stretched as I got up from my seat...
- Kugugugugung...!
"Eek!"
What is this? This roar?
Wait, what time is it now? How far had I progressed?
- Kugung... Kugugugung...!
"Ah! The sun...!"
I looked out the window thinking that, and the sun was shaking madly.
What is this? Could the Demon God have noticed my identity? Ah, no...? If I retry now, I don't know what will happen...!
"...Ah."
Wait a moment, no.
I remembered.
What point in time I'm at right now.
"F, finally...!"
The time I'm in right now is 1st year 2nd semester, July 15th.
The fact that the sun floating in the sky is shaking like that means Clana has realized Frey's true identity.
And it means that by Frey's self-sacrifice.
The route where Clana becomes Canary, and the routes where Kania or Irina lose half their lifespans have all been crushed.
It also means Kania is threatening the Demon God.
And, if that shaking sun stops and sets again...
- Kugugu...
While thinking that, the sun stopped.
The sun stopped!
And now, the moon and stars are rising again!
Finally, I've succeeded in achieving all conditions!!
This is the first time I've reached this point since the last time I had to retry after my identity was discovered by Serena during the slave market liberation mission!!
"What is it? What's happening?"
Though I was so happy and emotional, I deliberately put on a foolish expression and started looking at the sky.
"I don't know! I should write my diary!"
And then, I hurriedly opened my diary.
Year OO, July 14th
[I'll think about it carefully.
What I'll write next.]
And then, I hurriedly started writing in yesterday's empty page. To remember this situation even in my foolish state, I had to leave memories in my diary.
[Because...
This is only the second time I've reached this point with these conditions.]
After hurriedly finishing my diary, I carefully put the diary in the drawer.
"Finally... Finally...!"
And then, tears started flowing from my eyes without me realizing.
"Finally I can give Frey a happy ending...! And..."
If I've come this far, it's essentially successful.
As long as I don't make foolish mistakes like last time, I can definitely intervene in the third trial.
And in that trial, I can finally...
"...Finally receive judgment."
Finally, I can meet Frey from that iteration again and receive judgment. And also from the Frey of this iteration.
Why do I need to receive judgment again?
No, that doesn't matter. The end is approaching now.
"Eugh..."
I got too excited so my mind and soul started shaking, but it doesn't matter.
Now my role is essentially over.
When I receive judgment from Frey, I'll disappear.
And as just a bright foolish saintess... I'll stay by his side.
He wouldn't want to keep me by his side either, someone who has become useless in the future story, committed countless sins, and became a monster through regression.
Of course, it's a bit regrettable, but...
If he can have a happy ending, I'm satisfied.
Hmm, but still...
I want to convey just these words at the end.
What words, you ask?
That is......
.
I love you forever, Frey.
"I love you forever, Frey."
[Playback of Perloche from when she was granted retry until the current iteration has ended.]
The screen showing Perloche's perspective ends with showing Perloche who unknowingly blurted out her inner thoughts, and displays the closing message.
"F, Frey... I... I..."
Then Perloche, who had been unable to stay still in the judgment room, cautiously speaks to Frey who had been watching the screen without taking his eyes off it even for a moment since the summary video started.
"N, now the judgment..."
"...Begin the judgment."
But Frey, cutting off Perloche's words, declared while looking at the scale in the center of the room with a calm voice.
- Kugugung...! Kugung...!
The next moment, the massive scale started shaking.
"Y, you must be disappointed...? You must definitely be disappointed..."
As the judgment began, Perloche quietly lowered her head and started murmuring.
"You remained unbroken while doing retries... but I, supposedly a saintess, wavered countless times... a, and even did some bad things..."
"...Perloche."
Frey, cutting off her words.
"You've worked... hard until now."
With a relaxed expression and soft smile, he whispered.
"Yes?"
Perloche looked at such Frey with a dazed expression.
- Kugung!
As a roar rang from beside her and the scale's judgment result came out.
"Ah........."
She froze with her mouth wide open.
"".............!""
The same was true for the four girls behind her.
"And..."
Frey, looking at them.
"Thank you, everyone."
With a bright smile, he declared.
"For loving me again."
The scale next to him.
- Kiiik... Kik...
Was maintaining perfect balance.