# 96
96. That Strange Guest Is Still Strange (10)
As soon as we returned to the room, I fixed the back of Ethan's hair. I couldn't stop laughing the entire time I was arranging it, imagining him walking around like that all along. As I kept laughing, Ethan rarely furrowed his brow and shot me a glare.
With his hair neatly arranged, Ethan once again offered me tea time. After some hesitation, I readily accepted this time. Seeing his happily smiling face made me feel apologetic for being so stiff about it.
We drank tea together and ate dessert. Once we entered the room and were no longer subjected to people's stares, he relaxed in an instant. His stiff gait became smooth, and his rigidly straight posture tilted to one side. Sitting on the sofa like all his sharp thorns had been plucked out, his face looked comfortable.
I poured more tea into his empty cup and shoveled cake into my mouth with a fork. It was sweet and delicious. I offered some to Ethan as well, but he didn't seem to like sweets much, taking only a few bites before just downing his tea. So all the dessert became mine.
Ethan sat almost lying down on the sofa, gulping his tea. With his eyes closed, breathing in the tea's fragrance, his body gradually tilted backward. In that state, he was about to fall asleep again.
The teacup in his hand shook precariously. I was about to scold him that it was dangerous but changed my mind. If he fell asleep like this, he wouldn't chase me around annoyingly.
Carefully chewing the cake so Ethan could fall asleep, I watched his completely relaxed figure when suddenly a question occurred to me.
"Lord Ethan."
"……Yes."
The answer came a beat late. It seemed he had hastily pulled himself out of drifting off to sleep.
"Why exactly were you following me around today?"
I couldn't understand why someone who had locked himself in his room to avoid attention would follow me around simply because it was entertaining to watch me. Honestly, I wasn't that entertaining to look at either.
At my question, Ethan slowly lifted his eyelids. After blinking a few times, he slowly turned his gaze toward me. The corners of his eyes curved affectionately.
"Because I was bored."
"Simply because you were bored? Is that really the reason?"
"I said I wanted to get closer to Paula."
"I don't think that's a valid reason."
"Why not? You've been avoiding me ever since we had that conversation."
His words hitting the mark, I felt my face stiffen.
It was true that I had somewhat avoided him since the day he brought up our bet. As someone attending to him, I couldn't avoid seeing his face entirely, but whenever Ethan tried to start a conversation, I had pretended to be busy and left.
It was because I feared he might say something else to put me in a difficult position. I was glad to meet him again, but from the moment he brought up the bet and stirred things up, I felt burdened. How had he caught on to my feelings again?
"To be honest, I was hurt. You acted like you didn't want to deal with me openly."
"That wasn't my intention."
"So you did avoid me."
"……"
"Please don't do that. I'm sincere when I say I didn't mean to make things awkward for you."
Even as I said that, I ended up in an awkward position after all. The extended probation period was a problem, but I also felt uneasy about having caught Vincent's attention in a different way. Moreover, since Ethan knew who I was, I honestly wasn't sure if he would really watch quietly as he claimed.
But seeing his face that seemed genuinely hurt, I couldn't bring myself to argue further.
"……I'm sorry."
"I didn't want an apology."
Ethan scratched the back of his neck, looking a bit flustered, and smiled bitterly.
"So what are you going to do now?"
"What would you like me to do?"
Answering that question had become tedious, and I had no more pressing duties. So when I asked back, Ethan, who had been sipping his tea with a troubled expression, rose from the sofa. Between the clinking sound of the teacup he tossed down, he plopped down right next to me.
I flinched and shifted my hips to the side. As the distance suddenly closed, wariness sprang up in me. Seeing me like that, Ethan beamed.
"I'd like to continue our conversation like this."
"What kind of conversation would you like to have?"
"Well, this and that? For example, about our bet."
That again. I shook my head firmly with a weary face.
"I don't want to have that conversation."
"Why not? It seems like it would be fun."
"I don't find it fun."
"Still, think about it just once. Whether Vincent will forget or remember Paula."
I let out a sigh at the heavy words poking at my chest.
"I think he'll have forgotten."
"So your thoughts haven't changed on that."
"No."
"Why are you so certain?"
"Because there's no reason for him to remember."
I've said it every time, but it wasn't even a good memory, nor was it anything worth remembering.
Even if he did remember me, that wouldn't directly lead to a reason we should meet. My desire not to reveal my identity to him was still strong. However things worked out for us to even share words, those feelings remained unchanged.
"And it's not even a memory worth recalling. Even if he does remember, my stance on not wanting to meet remains unchanged."
"Is that the same for you, Paula?"
"……Yes."
I couldn't answer right away. Ethan sent me a sharp look. I'd been caught in a lie.
"Why are you so cold to yourself?"
"Because it's the truth. Because I'm not someone special that he should remember."
"Paula, how many people have a clear reason for remembering and longing for someone? Even without being special, you can remain a precious memory to someone."
"Lord Ethan, I just…… happened to be in the right situation."
What if I had met Vincent earlier? I had thought about that before. If I had met him before he gave up on life, before he shut himself in his room waiting for death, when despite losing his sight he was full of vitality and hope—he and I would never have had that kind of relationship.
I would have served him as a mere servant, and he wouldn't have paid any attention to someone like me. No, the very event of me going to that mansion wouldn't have occurred in the first place.
All of this was just coincidence. I happened to catch the eye of the elderly gentleman who visited the village, and in the mansion I followed him to, I met a man who had lost his sight and fallen into despair. And becoming his handmaiden, we shared brief memories together.
All those circumstances began with pure coincidence. It wasn't something grand like fate.
"When my master was struggling with life and tired even of receiving comfort, I happened to go there and serve him, that's all. I was just faithful to my role, and I wasn't good with words, so I couldn't say kind things to him like others did. Even without me, my master would have eventually left that place. I didn't do anything special."
Saying that, I smiled bitterly.
"So your words are too generous a compliment, Lord Ethan."
The times spent with me couldn't have remained as precious memories for Vincent.
Wind blew in through the open window. As if to soothe my chaotically swaying heart, the wind swept over Ethan and me once. From somewhere, the sound of people chatting happily could be heard, but that peace felt unfamiliar to me.
Ethan stared at me silently without a word.
"Do we seem like great people to you, Paula?"
"I can't say we don't."
Even if it was language that belittled myself, it couldn't be helped. That's what class difference meant. I knew their lives weren't always happy, but that didn't put us on the same level. The fact that they were different from someone like me was the truth.
But Ethan quietly shook his head.
"You're wrong. We're not as great as you think, Paula. We also get hurt by someone's sharp words, and we find comfort when held in someone's arms. We know well that trust can be thinner and more worthless than a scrap of paper, and sometimes life is so painful that we want to die. We live lives that aren't so different from yours, not particularly special lives."
"……"
"And you don't have to be special to be remembered. Don't push yourself so hard. At the very least, I know well that you're a good person."
"What exactly are you looking at to say such things?"
I was genuinely curious. What exactly were you seeing in me to say such things to me?
"Because you told me Lucas was a kind person."
"Because it's the truth."
"But Lucas was too much of a coward."
"Please don't say that."
"Paula. That child saw a very great truth but closed his eyes and looked away because he was afraid and scared. And then, out of guilt, he dragged Vincent into it. Do you feel sorry for Lucas? Even though he's the one who made Vincent that way?"
"Lord Ethan!"
I didn't understand why the conversation was jumping in that direction. I didn't want to hear such words. He was already gone. Whatever wrongs he may have done in life, I had no desire to criticize him even after death.
When I glared fiercely, telling him to stop, Ethan pulled at the corners of his mouth as if he understood my feelings.
"Are you angry?"
"Yes, I'm angry. Never, never say such things again."
"And if I do it again, will you get angry?"
"Yes, I'll get angry."
"Paula, at me?"
"Yes. I will dare to get angry at you, Lord Ethan."
"Even spank me on the butt?"
No, not that far. I paused for a moment. Ethan chuckled.
"You know what? I'm glad you said Lucas was kind. I'm grateful to you, Paula, for remembering that child as a kind person."
"……"
"By making Lucas out to be a kind person, I know that you, who does so, are a good person."
He gently grasped the back of my hand. Then he patted my flinching hand gently. As if saying thank you. His touch was uncomfortable, but I didn't pull my hand away.
"Still…… I'm not really sure."
I shook my head and refuted his words. No matter how I thought about it, I wasn't someone who deserved to hear such things. I couldn't understand or accept his words either.
The brown eyes looking at me held a tender light. As if they had expected me to say that, yet also as if they understood. It was a gaze of affection that considered the other person.
"Paula. You know, sometimes people find salvation in things that aren't really anything special."
"……"
"Lucas was like that."
In that moment, my breath caught.
"That child nurtured his heart while reading the reply to the letter you sent. Funny, isn't it? Feeling attracted by just a few lines from letters exchanged a few times, without even knowing the other person's face. Anyone who heard would say it's nonsense. But Lucas told me this. He said he was so lost he didn't know where to go, feeling like he was all alone in a dark world, but a single line of a letter seemed to tell him he wasn't alone."
"……"
"Do you understand? The feeling of being saved from despair."
Something jagged seemed to be scratching my throat. I swallowed hard. Still, the thing scratching my throat wouldn't go away. It had now risen to the corners of my eyes, poking at me persistently.