# 74
74. The Count I Met Again (4)
I lowered my head slightly to hide my face. At this moment, I lamented the absence of bangs that could have covered my face. If I had known this would happen, I shouldn't have cut them. Regret surged up. I tried to walk without showing my panic.
When I stood across from Joelly, she handed me a flower ornament. Then she pushed Alicia, who was standing beside her, behind.
"Ann, hurry. We don't have time."
"Ah, yes. I understand."
I glanced at Alicia once and then stood behind Joelly. First, I combed her disheveled golden hair with a brush, then twisted and pinned it up. I inserted small pins between the sections to fix the hair in place, and finally pinned the flower ornament at the top.
Joelly examined her reflection in the mirror and smiled with satisfaction.
"I knew Ann was good with her hands."
"Thank you."
I bowed silently and stepped back. Joelly turned around once to examine herself, then looked back at Vincent.
"How is it?"
"……."
"I asked how it looks."
"Not bad."
Though his tone was still perfunctory, this time Joelly smiled pleasantly and examined herself in the mirror again. I kept my gaze fixed on the floor. I wished this time would pass quickly. Thinking so, I casually turned my head to the side and my eyes collided directly with Vincent's. I startled and lowered my gaze, but we had already made eye contact.
"Oh right, I didn't introduce Ann."
Of all times, Joelly interrupted.
"This is the servant attending to Robert. She's helping the nanny. Oh, she's sisters with the maid who serves me. They don't look alike much, do they?"
Sisters? I heard the questioning tone in her voice. I felt his gaze upon me. My right cheek prickled. Even without checking, I knew Alicia was looking at me with a displeased expression.
But since attention was focused on me, I couldn't pretend not to notice. I hesitantly turned and immediately bowed. That wasn't enough, so I lowered my head deeply as well.
"…It's nice to meet you. My name is Ann."
Even uttering a single word made me tremble. My slightly parted lips quivered. I swallowed dry saliva and tried to calm my pounding heart. I spoke as slowly and clearly as possible so my voice wouldn't shake. A light introduction that anyone would make—just this much was appropriate.
The gaze touching the top of my head was prickly. No response came back. His attitude felt stiff, but in a way, that was natural. I smiled bitterly and calmly waited for him to acknowledge my greeting.
"It's not the first time."
In that instant, my heart dropped. A mind tangled in confusion was fully revealed. As I hesitantly raised my lowered eyes, I saw emerald eyes watching me.
I opened and closed my mouth several times before finally closing it. I wanted to ask what he meant, but I couldn't.
Did he recognize me?
Did he recognize me?
The eyes that had lost their dull light now bore a vivid brilliance. Those emerald eyes slowly swept over me. Though I had my head lowered, the frustrating bangs that used to cover my face were gone, so I might have shown him my ugly face. Realizing this, I had to suppress the urge to flee.
But I didn't want to avoid it.
If he truly recognized me...
"Ugly one."
...Ugly one?
"I think that's what Robert called her."
"…?"
He murmured low as if thinking carefully. I pondered the meaning of his words. Then something came to mind. The emotion that had felt like tears welling up shattered in an instant.
"You came out of the forest with Robert, didn't you? Probably."
"The... forest?"
Immediately, the nanny's sharp glare flew toward me. This time my heart trembled for a different reason. Nanny, I'm completely at fault.
The nanny, usually cold only toward Robert, was now blazing with anger. I kept stealing glances at the nanny before my eyes met Vincent's again. I had half-raised my head at some point, so my face must have been fully exposed to him. I missed the chance to lower my head.
He looked at my face and widened his eyes. Then he glanced at Alicia before looking at me again.
I could immediately understand what his gaze and his momentarily contorted face meant.
"They don't look alike at all."
"…."
Then he turned his head to look at Joelly.
"Finish up quickly. I'll wait outside."
"Understood."
After hearing Joelly's response, Vincent briefly examined Robert, who had fallen asleep. He stroked his golden hair once, then rose from the sofa. He left the room with the same calm footsteps he had when he entered. His back, never looking back even once, disappeared as the door closed.
Thud— Even after the door closed, my gaze couldn't leave it. Vincent's words echoed in my ears. I tried to fathom what was contained within them.
'They don't look alike at all.'
'The sisters are too different.'
'You're too hideous.'
Words I had heard before rang out in succession.
My face flushed with shame.
* * *
'You benefited from that face.'
It was what a woman said to me as I came out putting laundry into a basket. There was only one river in the village, so the women gathered there to do laundry while gossiping about this and that. Because of that, what couldn't be hidden was our family's domestic affairs and other people's private matters.
But at the sudden words, my mind worked slowly. Not understanding what she meant, I looked up at her first. The woman crossed her arms and clicked her tongue as if it was a pity.
'If it weren't for that face, would you still be breathing and living like this now? You'd have been sold off or beaten to death like your siblings. It's rather fortunate that you were born with that face.'
'…….'
'That too is a blessing.'
Hearing those words, I rolled my eyes. I considered what she meant by fortunate. But no matter how much I thought about it, no answer came, only questions stretching longer.
'Why is that?'
'What?'
'Why is that fortunate? Why should I consider being born like this as fortunate? Just because I'm living in place of my siblings, can that be called a blessing?'
It was pure curiosity. I didn't understand why I should consider my appearance like this as fortunate. Can surviving under the devil's child be called a blessing? I was genuinely curious. Do you really think so?
Then the woman was flustered. Behind her, other women who had been watching this side avoided my eyes and observed nervously. My gaze reached there before returning to the woman in front of me.
'This is not a blessing but a tragedy.'
My life is nothing but a tragedy. Saying so, I raised the only visible corner of my mouth. The frustrating bangs covering my face were the product of my tragedy.
This was neither fortunate nor a blessing. But I had given up. Struggling against something that couldn't be changed no matter how hard I tried was meaningless. My life was like that. Since nothing changed for me, I too could not change. There were times I wondered if dying wouldn't have been a happier ending.
I told Vincent to have courage, but I myself couldn't muster courage. I couldn't even think of mustering courage.
That was why, when I saw a grown man, a noble count at that, curled up on a bed trembling with fear, I felt full sympathy and pity. A person more pitiful than me. When he acted as if I was the only one he needed, I felt good on one hand. There's someone who needs someone like me. I think it also gave me a sense of hubris.
Vincent was like my second sibling. It wasn't that their personalities or faces were similar. That precariousness, the desire to protect him that arose from it—it made me act as if watching over a younger sibling.
So it was joyous when he clung to me who served him, and I wanted to help. Even while fleeing, the heart that wished him eternal happiness was also sincere.
But he was not my sibling, and he was someone who didn't need my concern. Though he had lost his sight, he was still a noble in the end. From the beginning, my existence was meaningless. Perhaps he didn't even need help. I only now realized that.
And also the appearance of myself I had forgotten.
Splash— Sprayed water wet my face and fell. The falling droplets were pitch black. From my body, soaked in an instant, came a sour smell.
"Oh my, I'm sorry!"
The maid approached in a panic, making excuses that she didn't know anyone was there. But I was the one who had suddenly appeared while she was disposing of water. I said it was fine and rubbed my stinging eyes with the back of my hand. Then, as my bangs were pushed up, I quickly lowered my head.
"Are you okay?"
"I-I'm fine."
Leaving the flustered maid behind, I ran quickly. The dirtiness of my body didn't seem to be because of the dirty water. The sour smell of the filthy water felt like my own body odor. Every path I walked left droplets falling and traces behind. The maid cleaning the corridor frowned. I lowered my head and quickened my pace.
The emotions that had arisen since facing Vincent only grew larger.
He who met me again was surprised to see my face. He tried not to show it, but I recognized that moment. Bewilderment. It was the face I had consistently seen from people looking at me. The expectation of "what if" shattered and disappeared, and the reunion where even gladness turned to regret.
'I want to hide.'
What would happen if I said I was the maid who served him? Would he get angry asking why I disappeared, would he be glad, or would he be disappointed? No, he probably couldn't even imagine. The insolent and brazen maid in his head wouldn't be such an ugly creature.
I was ultimately just a shameful existence to Vincent.
I returned to my room and washed my body. Even after washing off the dirty water, an unpleasantness remained. My body still seemed to smell. No matter how much I washed, I felt dirty. I kept scrubbing until finally my skin peeled and stung. When I felt my neck, blood came off.
"I wish I were a lizard."
Then I could shed my skin and become beautiful. Then I could peel off the skin I now wear and stand proudly before that man with a new appearance.
But I am human. I can't shed my skin, and unless I die, the appearance of 'me' during my lifetime will never change.
'Don't be like this. I decided not to think like this.'
Crying tears and falling into sorrow is easy. But accepting it and moving forward is difficult. Because sorrow doesn't come only for a moment. Sorrow is something that suddenly appears and stabs me, dragging me into despair. If I collapse there, it's over.
I steadied my breath and poured cold water over my entire body. I gathered my momentarily shaken mind.