# 32
32. The Count's Circumstances (2)
"Come to think of it, I haven't heard much about you."
"There's not much to tell."
"You usually chatter away even when I don't ask."
"I have a poor memory, so I don't remember well."
The empty plate spun around. Its sound filled the space between him and me.
"Your second sibling must miss you a lot."
"……."
The spinning plate trembled with a faint vibration and suddenly stopped. Silence rushed in that instant. I couldn't pull my hand away from the plate. The breadcrumbs on the empty plate scattered messily, dirtying the table. Just like my heart.
"No. They won't miss me."
"Why?"
"They went to a good place. We don't live together."
Then I looked up at the sky outside the window. The clear, clean sky was so beautiful. My siblings are all up there. Having escaped the hell that the devil's brat had shaken up, they must be living happily there.
And they must be resenting me.
"Sounds like they married into good places."
Ah, that's how it sounded. But I didn't bother to correct it.
"Yes. A good place."
"The other siblings too?"
"Yes. Oh, except the third one. My father favors them."
Though favoring them too much was the problem. Then the house in Filton came to mind. Since leaving that place, I hadn't shared any news. I hadn't visited either. How were they doing in that house without me? I had thought about it before, but quickly dismissed it. It was pointless curiosity.
"Your mother?"
"I don't have one."
Since I didn't know whether she was dead or alive, it was essentially the same as not having one. After answering that much, I didn't want to talk about family anymore. If he asked again, I was going to get up and leave, but he didn't ask anymore and looked back out the window.
"Indeed. There's no need to miss them necessarily."
The casually spoken words felt as if he knew something. My heart felt pricked. Stop it. Don't dig into me anymore. I wanted to shout that.
"……What about you, Master? Do you miss them?"
Out of spite, I counterattacked. I poked at his wound knowing his parents had passed in an accident. I expected him to be displeased, but the answer that came back was unexpected.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because there's no need. When I die, I'll meet them, so there's no need to miss them. Grief should be brief. I don't want to regret either. Better to discard emotions that blind me to the future than to drown in them. They're useless."
"……."
It was an incredibly cold statement, but I could understand it. Because I had been the same way.
The death of my siblings. The resulting sorrow, longing, regret, guilt that poured forth. But I had no luxury to flounder in those emotions. I had to survive each day, and such emotions were of no help at all in living. The value of my life was determined by whether I was useful or not. And those emotions made me useless. So I chose to cut them out rather than keep them. After that, life became somewhat bearable.
Was his life like that too?
What suddenly arises is a sense of kinship.
"I told you. This is no place for dreams."
'Then think about it. Because it's not a suitable place to dream vain dreams.'
Right, he had said that. At the time, I thought he was just spouting prickly words with his awful temper and dismissed it, but looking back now, it seemed like advice born from his own experience.
"Still, isn't there at least one thing you want to dream of, even if it's a vain dream?"
I became a bit curious. The wish of a man who gave such barren answers. At my question, he seemed to think deeply for a moment before spitting out a difficult answer.
"To be able to see."
That answer completely satisfied my curiosity.
"What about you. Do you have something you want to dream of, even if it's a vain dream?"
"For me, it's living a long, long time. I wish for less suffering too, but since I'm destined to beg wherever my feet take me, I don't dream beyond my station."
"You can just keep staying here then. At least you won't suffer outside."
"Are you letting me stay for a long time?"
He said something so out of character that I replied playfully. When I first came here, he only shouted at me to get out and threw things, but now he's saying things like this. I'm a bit moved.
"I permit it."
"Really? You can't take it back later, okay?"
"I won't. Stay for a long time."
He took another sip of tea. I wondered if I should get a written pledge.
"I'll protect you."
The teacup clattered. Wind blew. His hair tie fluttered about, struggling to escape from his hand. He wound the hair tie around his index finger. He lifted it slightly and pressed it to his lips.
As if kissing it.
"Because you're mine, I'll protect you."
"……."
"Promise me."
His emerald eyes curved round. The hair tie slipped down from his gently opened hand and fluttered around. It brushed my cheek, touched my hand, then hung around my neck and fluttered. I couldn't tear my gaze away from Vincent.
My heart pounded. An unfamiliar sensation sprang up so vividly that I found myself curling my fingers.
"So stay by my side. For a long time."
His firm voice ensnared me. The white string imprinted with his body heat rubbed against my skin, leaving burn marks. The man sitting upright before me stole away even my gaze.
"You're silent. Am I that untrustworthy?"
"No... No, it's not. It's not."
"Denying it three times must mean you thought so."
"Not at all."
"Four times. Quite certain."
"……."
"Still, try to trust me. I'm trying to trust you too."
I opened my mouth and closed it, opened it again and closed it. Facing the emotions contained in those long curved eyes, my chest tickled. Something inside kept pounding. Pounding toward the person before my eyes.
"Since I lost my sight, my other senses have become sharper. So when dealing with people, I touch and feel things like breathing, the tremor in their voice, body language, hand gestures, noises, scents, and make guesses. It's like playing a guessing game with my eyes covered every moment. Right now, I'm guessing about you."
His fingertips pointed toward me. I widened my eyes.
"You become speechless when you're embarrassed. You're probably opening your mouth right now. Because you're moved."
"……You're wrong. Not at all."
I closed my open mouth. Even knowing he couldn't see, I even shook my head. At my answer, he laughed softly.
"Really? Then I'm curious. What kind of face you're making. It would be nice if I could see you now. Then I'd know right away what you're thinking."
"You'll regret it if you see."
"Because I'm too pretty?"
"So much that you'll go blind."
At that, he snorted. How conceited. Even saying that, he didn't stop laughing. His smiling face was pleasant to look at. It was even impressive. Thanks to eating regularly, he had gained some flesh, and much of his former pitiful appearance had disappeared.
He was definitely changing.
That was gratifying yet sad. I had to stay, and he had to change. Every time I saw him change, I was reminded of our relationship again. That's why I sometimes avoided thinking about what the unfamiliar emotion growing in one corner of my heart was.
Because I knew instinctively.
That it was by no means a good emotion for me.
* * *
Just past noon, Isabella came to the annex. With a somehow urgent expression, she grabbed my arm as I stood there blankly and dragged me straight to my room.
"Paula. Go out with the Master right now."
"Pardon?"
"Hurry and get ready now. I'll speak separately to the Master."
With that, she handed me a coat she had brought. I took it reflexively, but I was flustered.
"W-where am I supposed to go?"
"Anywhere is fine. Go as far as possible. But don't go too far either. Somewhere safe if possible. I'll allow you to return late as well."
With those final words, Isabella headed straight to Vincent's room. I was about to follow her but first took off my apron. Since the only going-out clothes I had were the dress I wore when I first came here, I changed into that and put on the coat as I left the room.
Just then, Vincent also came out of the next room dressed in going-out clothes. He must have changed in a hurry too, as his clothes were somewhat disheveled. And behind him, I could see Isabella looking anxious.
I was about to ask what was going on, but he tapped his cane on the floor and spoke to me.
"Shall we go for a walk?"
At his words, so calmly spoken, I nodded without realizing.
Holding his hand, we headed to the forest we had visited last time. For a walk, there really wasn't anywhere to go or anywhere I could take him. Isabella had said to go somewhere safe, and the only safe place I knew was the Velunita family's estate. And he couldn't go anywhere crowded with people.
The forest was quiet. The chirping of birds ringing out eased some of the tension.
"What on earth is going on?"
"Who knows."
I glanced back, and unlike me, he was too calm. He looked around the forest with an unchanged face. Not that he could see anything anyway. But the fingertips I was holding were trembling. He was feigning calmness.
Vincent seemed to know the reason for this sudden outing. But what was it? I narrowed my eyes and examined him, but recently Vincent had become skilled at hiding his inner thoughts. He was clearly different from when he was hypersensitive and acting terribly.
I was curious, but I decided not to ask. Thinking there must be a reason he wasn't telling me.
"I don't know where to go. She said to go far away."
"Just go."
"Weren't you reluctant to go out after meeting Lady Violet last time you went out? Besides, how do we go far away? To do that, we'd have to go toward the main mansion."
"I can go."
"How?"
Then he suddenly took my hand and started walking ahead. I followed behind him. He headed not toward the path, but toward the bushes. He walked without hesitation, not knowing what lay ahead.
As we went deeper inside, the grass grew lush, making it hard to take steps. Due to lack of maintenance, tree branches jutted out dangerously, nearly causing injuries. From the middle onward, I took the lead, clearing the bushes to help him walk. He walked forward feeling each tree one by one. He carefully felt his way around the surrounding trees, as if searching for something in them.
Like that, little by little, after walking in for a long while, when we pushed aside the bushes, a certain space was revealed. It was a circular space surrounded by trees. There was an iron gate there. Bushes grew over it, covering the gate, so it wouldn't be noticeable unless you actually pushed them aside. And outside the iron gate, there was a path.
I had no idea such a space existed. I looked around in admiration.
"Wow. There was a gate here. I didn't know."
"If you go out here, you can reach the village."
It's like going on an adventure. Truly amazing. I looked around the narrow space this way and that, then glanced at the path visible outside the gate. Then when I casually pushed the iron gate, it opened with a creak. A chain was wrapped around the door handle, so I thought it was locked, but apparently not.
"What is this used for?"
"They said it's a path for emergencies."
"The gate is rusted."
"Because it hasn't been used for a long time."
It was so fascinating that I kept surveying the path outside the iron gate. It was a path, but because of the wildly growing grass, the inside wasn't clearly visible. Rather than walking a path, it felt more like being sucked into the bushes.
"It's like a secret door. If you go out here, a new world appears, right? With amazing animals and fairies, and you make companions and go on adventures."
"I've been thinking since last time, you've read too many books."
He shook his head. I shrugged. So what. Imagination is free.