1. The Meaning of the Name (13)
"Elder, I too once struggled with a similar dilemma. Back then, I was living a life where I forsook even my own happiness out of guilt for the people hurt because of me, but a kind person told me this. They told me not to agonize over those who had departed, and that they hoped I would live on feeling the happiness they could no longer enjoy."
"…."
The kind words I heard in that dream still come to mind vividly. Even though it was a dream, that moment, which felt just like reality, has become a memory I can never erase.
"You asked me last time if I would regret living a life where I erase myself, didn't you? I've been thinking about it continuously, and honestly, I'm still not entirely sure. Because it is a thrilling, yet terrifying and daunting prospect. However, I've decided to stop running away just because I'm afraid. I want to look forward and live. I'm going to live for the sake of my own happiness, and the happiness of the person who stands by my side."
After voicing it out loud, the thoughts that had been cluttering my mind for a while finally organized themselves a little.
Perhaps I had already known the answer. I had decided to stop merely agonizing and hesitating, hadn't I? That was why I had also accepted living under a new identity. It will certainly be difficult, but I am not alone. Because there is someone else—because Vincent is here. Therefore, I can muster the courage.
With that realization, the elder before me felt profoundly pitiable. There was no one left by his side anymore. I knew all too well how wretched a life merely waiting for death could be. I didn't know if my meager words could offer any comfort, but I still wanted to impart the courage I had felt to him.
"I hope you can do the same, Elder. I hope you will hurt less now, and that you won't give up on the happiness of your remaining days. So, if you have a story to tell your daughter and granddaughter when you meet them again, wouldn't that alone make it a life worth living?"
I smiled at the elder with all my sincerity. As he watched me, the elder looked down at my hand, which was gently patting the back of his hand. His face, which had seemed to be looking at something unfamiliar, gradually softened, forming a peculiar expression.
"Do you still wish to live as my granddaughter?"
Another misunderstanding like that. I immediately shook my head and clarified myself.
"No, I've told you repeatedly that I have no such intention. I am being sincere."
"Then I shall rephrase."
The elder let out a small breath.
"Will you live as my granddaughter for me?"
"Elder…."
At the shocking remark, my eyes widened. I never expected to hear such words. Unfazed by my bewildered gaze, the elder continued.
"I was agonizing over how to sort this out anyway. I would like it if you lived on. Live on, feeling the happiness my granddaughter couldn't enjoy in her stead."
"…Do you not resent me?"
I smiled bitterly. From our very first meeting up until now, I had sensed well enough that the elder found me displeasing and resented me.
"I did resent you. But I've decided to stop."
"Does my appearance not displease you? If a girl like me becomes your granddaughter, people might mock you."
Every so often, an old sense of inferiority suddenly springs up. No matter how much I dress myself up, this outer appearance will never change, so the anxiety is unavoidable. However, upon hearing my words, the elder put on a stern expression.
"Do not devalue your own worth yourself. If you treat yourself lightly, others will look down on you as well. No matter how much others may treat you lightly, you must stand tall and be confident."
Realizing that he was saying this out of concern for me, my vision blurred. I didn't know what to say. I bowed my head and let out a heavy sigh. Then, I looked back up at the elder. He was still looking at me.
"Did you know that 'Paula' holds another meaning?"
It was a sudden question. I shook my head a beat too late.
"It means a small, yet strong person."
Ah….
"Paula, what a beautiful name."
The elder enveloped my hand, which was covering the back of his, with both of his own. His warm body heat seeped into my hand. I realized that, unlike the beginning, the elder was now looking at me with an unwavering, upright gaze.
"Do not discard your name. It is a precious name, is it not?"
The elder's wrinkled hand gently patted the back of my scarred hand.
"Live a life you will not regret."
That night, I wrote a letter. Not even knowing what I wanted to write, I moved my pen.
[Can you love me unconditionally, no matter what I become?]
A few days later, a reply arrived. Despite the letter being out of the blue, the content was resolute.
[Of course.]
Seeing that, a laugh suddenly burst from me.
Was this not enough? Even if the clothes I wear, the life I lead, and the way people look at me change from now on, if there was even a single person who knew the real 'me,' and if that person loved me unconditionally—wouldn't that be enough?
If it meant I could be this happy, that is.
***
When I conveyed the decision the elder and I had reached to Ethan, he immediately visited the mansion. Sitting in the reception room, Ethan failed to compose his expression, which was quite unlike him. Seeing the utter surprise on his face, the elder's decision must have been shocking to him in more ways than one. Then again, I had been surprised too.
"Are you truly certain about this?"
"Yes. Prepare yourself. I will arrange what is needed on my end as well."
"Understood."
After that, the two men carefully discussed how to proceed from here on out. Sitting next to the elder and catching snippets of the conversation, it seemed like a very cautious and meticulous process. Nevertheless, the discussion flowed quite smoothly. The way things fell into place, as if they had prepared for this in advance, felt a little uncanny.
That man... did he perhaps send me here on purpose? Recalling Ethan's personality, it was a suspicion well-worth entertaining.
Once the conversation was more or less settled, Ethan took a sip of his tea and offered his trademark smile.
"It is truly reassuring to know you will be helping us like this, Uncle."
"Nonsense. Did you think I wouldn't see through your sly nature? You must have sent that letter knowing I would react this way."
The elder clicked his tongue in displeasure. A letter? I looked at Ethan in疑惑. Although his expression didn't change much, I could tell he was momentarily flustered.
The elder snorted and leaned back against the sofa. I glanced back and forth between the two and was about to ask what letter they were talking about, but Ethan spoke up first.
"You remember when I sent someone over? I had them deliver a letter to you, Uncle, saying that Paula was a good person."
Was that really all? It felt like there was more to the contents. But since I hadn't read the letter myself, there was no way to know. Looking at the elder, he didn't seem inclined to explain any further. Sometimes, it's better not to know. So, I let it slide.
The elder leaned his body slightly toward me.
"Let me give you a piece of advice."
I widened my eyes and leaned in alongside the elder.
"Don't associate with that rascal. He's a man of no substance."
"Ah, yes. I understand."
I knew that better than anyone. I took the elder's advice to heart and nodded. Listening to our exchange, Ethan put on an expression as if he were hurt.
"The two of you are being too harsh."
However, he seemed to be in a remarkably good mood.
***
I tilled the soil in the small garden behind the mansion. After scattering fertilizer, I planted the seeds and watered them. When I suggested that we make something delicious with whatever grew here later, the elder, who had been sitting in a chair watching me, gave me a joyful smile.
However, the elder passed away before the seeds could even sprout and bear fruit.
Before he died, he left me with a final request.
'Put this in my coffin with me.'
What he handed me was a photograph of his granddaughter. The only remaining image of her. I knew that by burying it inside his coffin, he intended to hide it forever. Because that was the only way I could live as his granddaughter.
Living under another person's identity was no easy feat. It could never be an easy thing. Why had I thought of it so lightly? A doubt surfaced in a corner of my heart, questioning whether I was really allowed to do this. I realized that living in place of someone else was a far heavier burden than I had imagined.
I fiddled with the photograph in my hand, agonizing over it. The elder patted my shoulder as if he understood my turmoil.
'If anyone ever asks what kind of memories you shared with your grandfather, tell them we shared meals, took walks, and that you read to me. And tell them you even made tomato soup yourself.'
Tears threatened to burst forth. Those were the very things I had done with the elder during my time here. Only then did I realize that the elder had created 'memories' together with me.
'In return, promise me just one thing. That you will live a happy life.'
'Yes. I will live on, feeling the happiness that Florence couldn't enjoy in her stead. I will live so that people will say I led a happy life.'
'That is not what I meant.'
The elder shook his head slightly.
'Not as someone else's substitute, but live solely for your own happiness. Live for your own happiness as Paula.'
At those words, I finally burst into tears. I nodded furiously and forced out a trembling voice.
'I will.'
I will definitely live happily. The elder smiled warmly at my answer.
And a few days later, the elder quietly passed away in his sleep. The funeral was held modestly. This, too, was one of his final requests. I placed the photograph of his granddaughter inside the coffin where he lay. Resting there with his granddaughter's photo clasped to his chest, he looked so profoundly peaceful.
"May you go to a better place."
And so, I sent off the elder—my grandfather.
After the funeral, I said my goodbyes to Emma and John. They said they would be heading straight down to their hometown. Since John was an orphan with no hometown to return to, he said he would be following Emma. Both of them were getting older, and their inability to continue working in this profession anymore was their reason for leaving.
"I'm sorry."
I became Florence, and they lost their long-held jobs. Somehow, it felt like I was the only one who had benefited. Facing them brought a heaviness to my heart. But Emma took my hands in hers and smiled warmly at me.
"Do not apologize. If you apologize so readily to your servants, they will look down on you."
They already knew that I would be living on as Florence. I had never explicitly said it out loud, but they had likely figured it out on their own.
At the same time, they emphasized that they would take what they had seen and heard here to their graves. Even without them saying so, I knew they would never breathe a word of what had happened in this place.
"It's a good day, so please smile. The Master would have wanted that, too."
At her words, I forced the corners of my mouth up into a smile. It must have been a clumsy, tearful smile, but they did not mock me. Their eyes, which had grown warm at some point, held me naturally, as if looking at a precious young lady.
"My lady, you must live well."
John also blessed me joyfully.
After sharing a brief farewell, I saw them off. I watched the carriage grow distant before turning my gaze back to the mansion. Beyond the tightly shut iron gates, I saw a mansion that was now empty. It felt even more desolate than when I had first arrived. The seeds planted in the garden would never bear fruit.
As I turned around, I found Ethan waiting for me. Having prepared a carriage because of our luggage, he greeted me warmly, looking as dashing as ever. Fortunately, he brought the news that everything had been sorted out smoothly, and we would be heading straight to the main house.
We boarded the carriage together and left my grandfather's mansion. My body swayed with the rattling motion of the carriage. I looked out the window, keeping the receding mansion in my sight. It had been a short time, but I felt I had gained so much. When the carriage entered the forest, I pulled my gaze away and sat up straight.
"Ethan."
Ethan was also looking out the window. I stared intently at him before parting my lips to speak.
"May I ask a favor of you?"
Only then did Ethan turn to look at me.
"What is it?"
"When it's just the two of us, could you please call me 'Paula'?"
"Your original name?"
"Yes. It would be difficult when we're with others, but if you don't mind, I'd like you to at least call me that when we're alone."
I had thought about this during the few months I spent with the elder.
"Because I don't want to forget."
I didn't want to forget 'myself'.
The elder was right. In truth, I wasn't okay. I didn't want to forget who I was. I didn't want 'Paula' to be erased.
Because I wasn't taking on a new identity to forsake 'myself'. I still lacked confidence in myself, and the shame that scarred me like a burn still took over from time to time, but even so, I didn't want to erase my life. I wanted to cherish the life I had lived and the people I had spent it with deep within my heart.
"Please."
He might say no, but I decided to be greedy and act a little spoiled. Once I said it, I grew a bit nervous. I swallowed dryly and waited for Ethan's reaction. After pondering over my words for a moment, Ethan smiled gently.
"Family members sometimes use affectionate nicknames for each other."
"So…?"
"Calling you by the nickname 'Paula' wouldn't be bad at all. Alright. When it's just the two of us, I'll call you Paula."
"Thank you so much!"
I beamed. I was truly grateful to him for indulging my selfishness. Seeing me so overjoyed, Ethan also let out a pleasant laugh.
"And also… please speak comfortably from now on. We are family, after all."
Truth be told, until now, Ethan had simply been showing proper etiquette to me, his subordinate. That, too, was something to be grateful for. But if he continued to treat me that way even after we became family, people would find it strange. When I pointed this out, Ethan nodded in agreement.
"Hmm, you're right. That would be strange."
Suddenly, Ethan straightened his posture. I looked at him in疑惑 as his expression turned serious, and then he extended his hand toward me. I stared blankly at the hand offered before my eyes.
"Florence Christopher."
A weighty call brushed past my ears. I stared blankly at Ethan. His face was now overflowing with affection as he smiled warmly at me.
"Let's take care of each other from now on, my sister."
My chest swelled with emotion. Tremors, fear, and excitement filled my heart all at once. Even so, it wasn't a bad feeling. My vision blurred, but I didn't want to cry. I carefully reached out and grasped his hand, smiling more brightly than I ever had before.
It was a new beginning.