# 163
163. Epilogue (3)
Johnny stared at me and raised one hand. A small gun was held in it.
"I'll kill you if you make even the slightest sound."
I glanced at the gun in Johnny's hand and nodded once more.
I heard he was caught, so how did he escape? As long as he was tied to James, the surveillance couldn't have been lax. I realized Johnny wasn't an ordinary person.
He continuously observed the door. It was clear he was anxious that someone might come due to the small commotion. Johnny, who had been watching the door, soon stepped down from the bed, seemingly convinced no one was coming. He slowly backed away, still aiming the muzzle at me. Retreating without making a single footstep, his gaze alternated between checking the door and me.
Johnny stopped walking in front of the window, a little far from the bed. Hiding his body against the bare wall, he looked out the window. Seeing his head turning slightly side to side, he seemed to be checking if there was anyone beyond the window. If one jumped out the window here, a forest was just a short distance away. I realized why he had come into this room.
I lowered my legs to the floor. Even though I moved carefully, Johnny seemed to have sensed my presence; he suddenly turned his head and I saw him grip the gun tighter.
"I told you not to move."
"Are you trying to escape into the forest?"
"If you don't want to die, shut up and stay still."
Johnny warned coldly, glancing around at the window and the door. I looked at him calmly. As my previously panicked mind gradually settled down, my thoughts slowly began to turn.
"Where are you trying to go?"
"I told you to be quiet. Do you really want to die?"
Johnny threatened, thrusting the muzzle toward me. I glanced at the gun once and then looked back at Johnny. Perhaps because he looked so anxious standing in the dark, I didn't feel very scared. And there was something I desperately wanted to ask him.
"Five years ago, someone almost died near the annex here."
At my sudden words, Johnny, who had been watching out the window, threw me a glance. He had a face asking what nonsense I was spouting, but I didn't stop talking.
"In the middle of the night, stabbed with a knife, no less."
"……."
"The person stabbed was a guest staying at the annex."
I could still vividly recall that day.
It was a night when the wind howling in the pitch-black, silent darkness was piercing. It was a scene I caught a glimpse of in a space where the lamplight flickered uneasily. I was out of my mind then. Being in the darkness without a single ray of light because the lamp was broken made me terrified, and it seemed the intense shock had rather swallowed my memory. But as I went through something similar this time, the erased memory of that day drew itself clearly.
"Did you kill him?"
At that question, Johnny's head turned back to me. The depressed and timid-looking man I had known up until now was gone. The man in front of me was a stranger. No emotion was revealed on his face.
"What do you think? Do you think I killed him?"
He asked back. I shook my head.
"No."
The face of the murderer I saw that terrible night wasn't Johnny. The man briefly illuminated by the shaking lamplight had different features. I recalled that.
"Why? I could be the murderer."
"You're not."
I couldn't be sure, but I thought he wasn't. The way Johnny had acted toward me so far said as much. He might have been acting, but I thought there was definitely some truth within it. The time we spent getting to know each other was short, but just as he had figured me out, I had figured him out to some extent as well.
"You're not the kind of person who would do that."
He had quite a human side. He wasn't the type to enjoy or like killing people. I couldn't say he was very affectionate, but anyway, he wasn't someone who took it for granted. Even if he had killed someone, I didn't think he would have hacked them to pieces.
Johnny sneered at my answer.
"The guy you mentioned is dead."
"Dead?"
"Yeah. He's dead. I killed him because he said we shouldn't leave evidence behind."
Even without him saying who killed him, I knew.
"That's how those noble bastards operate. Use them if they're useful, then throw them away. If they become a nuisance, kill them and erase the traces. It's obvious. That guy knew it too, and did it."
"Were you acquaintances?"
"At one point. We were colleagues who worked together. I used to work for the Christopher family, you see."
It was a surprising statement. He worked for that family? But looking back, ah, so that's why. I thought it made sense. Except for our strange first meeting, Johnny had quite good abilities. He had good stamina, perseverance, and could read and write. Furthermore, he felt at ease playing the role of a servant in a noble house.
Only then did I realize the relationship between James and Johnny. Johnny was someone James had employed.
"Then you're saying you worked for the person who killed your colleague?"
"They said they'd pay me a lot. I'll do anything as long as the money is right."
"Don't you even feel sorry for your colleague?"
"We weren't really close."
Johnny replied as if it was no big deal, but I couldn't understand.
"Why on earth? What's the reason you had to go that far? You have the skills, so you could have done something more proper instead of this kind of work."
But at my words, Johnny suddenly let out a laugh. As if he had heard something funny. However, the laughter soon subsided, leaving only an angry face.
"Don't say such ridiculous things. What can guys like us do? Read and write? That doesn't make money. Because the higher-ups only think about using those beneath them, and they don't care at all about what those beneath them think or want. They'd think keeping us around lowers their class? No matter how hard we try, we aren't recognized. Because we're unmannered, dirty, and squalid bastards they wouldn't even associate with."
A reality that never changes. Johnny had said something similar before. Knowing what his coldly spoken words meant, I couldn't refute them.
I cast my eyes down. The lamp's flame shook slightly.
"If they pay me, I can even lick the higher-ups' shoes."
Money, why must one risk their life for it. But funnily enough, I understood Johnny's feelings. Even knowing what he did to me, separately from that, I couldn't refute the thoughts he held. Status is like that. Even if subjected to the same thing, the treatment varied depending on whether one was a noble, a commoner, or a beggar. The resulting discrimination was unimaginable.
That was the miserable reality we had experienced and would have to experience in the future. Even if we forgot and lived while struggling to make ends meet, even if we squeezed among good people and received undeserved kindness, there were times when we painfully realized that was our reality.
"Are you still okay with that?"
"It can't be helped."
Something that couldn't be helped in order to live. I smiled bitterly. Johnny didn't say anything more. He just glanced at me and turned his gaze back out the window.
Silence lingered in the room for a while. Because it was the dead of night without any sign of people, even the small sound of breathing seemed loud.
Johnny carefully unlocked the latch and opened the window. Creak— The window opened. Then he immediately tried to climb out.
"Wait!"
I ran and grabbed the hem of Johnny's clothes. At the sudden force, Johnny's body, which had his leg up on the windowsill, staggered. As he looked back at me in panic, he shouted urgently.
"Let go!"
"I have something to say. Just a moment will do."
Johnny contorted his face. But I realized he wouldn't jump out the window right away. I released the hem I had grabbed and hurriedly turned around. Pain flared in my injured shoulder, but without showing it, I opened the drawer of the bedside table. And I took out a small bundle and held it out to him.
What was inside was the money I had earned since coming here. Everything I had.
"You said you'd do anything if I paid you, right? Then I'll pay you and make a request."
Johnny's gaze landed on the bundle in my hand, then turned back to me.
"Take Alicia with you."
"What?"
He had an absurd expression. But I was serious.
Vincent mentioned Alicia's matter exactly once. I said I was sorry, and Vincent, looking at me like that, dropped a single remark.
'I'll leave the disposition of your sister to you.'
Both in the past and now, he considered my feelings. Because of that, I couldn't say anything. Because I had no right to speak.
"I'll give you this, so please take Alicia with you as well."
"What are you talking about? How do I take her?"
"You have to figure that out. Didn't you say you'd do anything for money?"
Doesn't that mean you're that capable? Even now, he was escaping the mansion's surveillance and fleeing. I couldn't call for anyone right now. But if I left this room, I planned to reveal that Johnny had come here.
"I'll give you the money you want. Escape with Alicia too. And take her very far away."
Johnny scoffed at my words. He looked at me as if looking at a fool.
"Are you an idiot? What did she do to you that you're asking me to save her?"
"I know."
"You know and you're saying this? Don't you hate her?"
Johnny had a face saying he couldn't understand at all. It was a natural reaction. Anyone would sneer at my actions. But looking at Johnny, I had this thought.
"Do I really have to kill her?"
"What?"
"Just because I almost died, must I definitely kill the other person? Just because I was hit by a stone, do I have to throw a stone back the same way for it to count?"
I had seen too many deaths so far. It was a life where death was natural. It was common for a colleague who had been working together until yesterday to die the next day.
I had to say goodbye, sending off the people I loved to death, and only made choices to survive through the sacrifice of someone's death. But if I had a chance to choose, I never wanted to do that. I know it's a stupid choice, but just once, it's okay to do so, isn't it? Even if I truly hate her, loathe her, and sometimes want to kill her, Alicia was my sister. That was an unchanging fact. Since I had sent my other siblings off to death, wouldn't it be okay to let at least one live?
"I hate her too. I know well what she did to me. That's why I'm sending her away. For me to be happy, she must not be by my side, so I'm getting rid of her."
I pondered how I could be happy. For that, Alicia had to disappear. Alicia was an unnecessary existence in my life. We only belittled each other every time, and that relationship could never be restored. But if I just watched, knowing full well what would happen to Alicia, I would eventually fold my heart and care about her again. If so, the same unhappiness would repeat.
The moment Alicia pushed me, our relationship ended there. Perhaps from the very beginning, we were a relationship that shouldn't be together. Even knowing it was better to part ways for each other's happiness, we had been turning a blind eye. Sending Alicia away without seeing her anymore was my own form of revenge.
"What if she comes looking to take revenge on you?"
"I'll have to think about it again then. What to do."
But it was a hypothesis I didn't really want to think about.
"Send her as far away as possible. Very, very far, so she can't even come looking."
"What if I can't bring her out? If I get caught in the middle, I might abandon her. Or I might get annoyed and just kill her."
"Then it can't be helped."
That, too, was Alicia's fate.
"Don't you think I might just swallow this money and run?"
"Isn't trust the lifeblood of a request?"
If you're only that kind of person, it can't be helped. I put that meaning into my shrug. But I also put in the meaning that I understood.
Johnny looked at the bundle again. He had a conflicted face. Should he take this or not. I knew well that escaping with Alicia wasn't an easy task. Johnny, who had been pondering for a moment, looked at me again.
"Are you confident you won't regret this?"
Johnny asked about my resolution once more. I smiled softly.
"I might regret it."
A day of regret might come. I might beat my chest and shed tears of blood. But as you live, sometimes there are such moments. A choice I really hate, but must make. A choice I want to make, even while thinking I shouldn't. This wasn't for Alicia. It was for me.
At that time, I recalled a proposal Ethan had made.
At first, I thought it was nonsense, but now my thoughts had changed a bit. Ethan had called it an opportunity. Yes, it was an opportunity. An opportunity for my happiness. Even if I continued to live here like this, I would never escape the class differences and the resulting discrimination. There was a limit to enduring with just love. I might not know it right now, but as I lived a bit longer, a time would eventually come when I hit a wall.
Everyone desires their own happiness. Is it wrong to be greedy for that? Because we live to be happy.
Therefore, sending Alicia far away was also a greed I harbored to become happy.
"It's still okay. Take her with you."
I calmly expressed my intentions. Johnny, who had been staring intently at my face, snatched the bundle from my hand. Then he turned around, immediately stepped on the windowsill, and crossed over. Johnny's body, floating as if flying in the air for a moment, disappeared downward.
The window moved slightly and made a creaking sound. I cast my eyes down and lowered my empty hand. A small noise came from outside, then soon stopped abruptly. The surroundings were quiet. I couldn't take a single step in the darkness. I felt a familiar gaze.
"I'm sorry."
I'm sorry you kept clinging for my sake.
"I'm sorry I couldn't save you."
It must have been scary, I'm sorry I couldn't be with you.
"I'll let you go now."
I'll send you all off now. I'll set you free.
White hands embraced my body. First, a small hand tugged at the hem of my skirt and then left, next a skinny hand hugged me tightly from behind and then left. Finally, a scarred hand gripped my hand tightly.
'Sister.'
The second sibling rubbed her cheek against my shoulder. A faint floral scent wafted up.
'Farewell, Sister.'
"Farewell, my sister."
Farewell, my sister. The second one. Ella……. I put the second sibling's name to my lips. I also called the names of my other siblings. I took out the faded names I hadn't been able to call for a long time one by one from my heart. As if responding to my call, Ella smiled brightly. Her face smiling at me was pretty, just as it was a long time ago.
Ella let go of my hand and walked forward. My other siblings grabbed both of Ella's hands. I looked at my siblings and pulled the corners of my mouth into a smile. I didn't want to cry. Because I cried every time, this time I wanted to send them off with a smile.
"Farewell, my siblings."
The small footsteps fade away. I didn't take my eyes off the young figures disappearing into the darkness. I sent off my last pain like that.
The next day, the mansion was turned upside down due to the missing Johnny. Ethan and Vincent came to see me, and I told them that Johnny had secretly sneaked into this room. Through my conversation with them, I learned that Johnny had escaped with Alicia.
When I was alone with Vincent, I told him about Alicia. He listened calmly to my words without any reaction, and only said one thing after hearing it to the end.
'If that is what you desire, then so be it.'
Only that.
I realized that Alicia's matter was no longer important between us.
As time passed like that, things about Alicia gradually faded from memory.
And I never saw Alicia again.
― fin