# 158
158. Perhaps It Was For This Moment (11)
The sunlight streaming down felt pleasant. Warm and cozy. My entire body relaxed languidly in the warm energy, and the corners of my lips lifted involuntarily. I tilted my head back and fully enjoyed the warmth. A gentle breeze blew in. Leaves brushed against each other in the wind, creating a pleasant rustling sound.
After enjoying the warmth for a while, I lowered my gaze and saw Lucas sitting across from me at a table set with appetizing desserts and fragrant tea. When our eyes met, he smiled brightly.
"The weather is really nice, isn't it?"
"……."
"Lord Lucas."
As if responding to my call, Lucas's smile deepened. The wind swept through his brown hair. Beams of light brightly streamed down around him.
I rambled on to him. I recounted what had happened as if telling a very exciting and fun story. This was hard, that was enjoyable—I chattered about trivial things close to complaints and laughed. I was the only one speaking, and Lucas just listened with a smile. Even so, it was enjoyable.
"Was I not too late? Did I do as you wished?"
"……."
"I'm sorry. For leaving you alone."
I'm sorry for running away alone, leaving you facing death, for departing like that. Only now do I offer you an apology. Knowing I'm far too late, and only just now...
"You should have tried a bit harder. Even if it was hard, you shouldn't have given up, and even if someone blamed you, you should have held onto life until the very end."
You should have held on a bit more. Instead of accepting the death right before your eyes, you should have struggled.
I wanted you to survive. I wanted you to be happy. How wonderful it would have been to reunite with you after five years, healthy and well.
But I also know. I know it wasn't an easy thing. I know that because of it, someone might have had to live a painful life. Still, at the boundary between life and death, wouldn't it be okay to think of yourself first?
I grumbled softly. Even at my words, Lucas only smiled. That face was so beautiful, but it felt faint, as if it could shatter in the rays of light at any moment.
The wind swept across the lawn once. The branches above my head swayed. Fallen leaves fluttered away, seeking freedom. In the quiet space, only the sound of wind brushing against leaves could be heard. The sunlight piercing through between them was still warm and cozy.
Perfect. So cozy it was perfect.
That's why it felt even more distant.
"Is this a dream? Or have I died?"
Lucas said nothing. I smiled bitterly. The last moment before I closed my eyes came to mind vividly. It was close to death. Dying wasn't what scared me, and I had even earnestly wished for it at some point, but when I actually thought I had died, I somehow found myself retracing my regrets. The sunlight wrapping warmly around my entire body seemed to comfort me.
"Paula."
A voice warmer than the sunlight brushed past my ear. I looked at him hazily.
"When I was young, I thought I would live a life overflowing with only brilliant happiness like the sunlight streaming down. But the world I saw as I grew up was far from beautiful, and I realized I was nothing but weak in the face of truths too difficult to bear. It felt like I was left alone in the world. Writing letters that never received replies was my selfish desire for my brother to tell me I was okay."
"……."
"To such a me, the replies you sent were a comfort telling me I wasn't alone in this world. That's how I loved you. Very much."
It wasn't a passionate confession or sorrowful words. Yet it sounded sad, perhaps because I couldn't give any answer. Once again, I fail to reciprocate your confession.
"But I love other people as much as I love you. I love everyone. Does that disappoint you?"
I shook my head vigorously. How could that be? Even without saying only I was special, his sincere heart itself was precious enough.
...Ah, I see. Love isn't only the emotion of throwing yourself into the fire even while feeling the pain of your entire body burning. There's also this warm, tender, and sad kind of love.
The love Lucas had shown me was like that. As if confirming my thoughts were right, Lucas looked at me with the corners of his eyes curving.
"I want my beloved people to be happy. Like protagonists in a fairy tale."
What about you then? What about your happiness, you who have left? Who comforts you, who departed in pain? It was a tender sentiment typical of you, but Lucas wasn't in it. The anguish that couldn't fully come out blocked my throat. As if already knowing such feelings of mine, Lucas whispered tenderly.
"Don't suffer because of the people who have left. I'd like you to think that we live on to feel on their behalf the happiness they couldn't fully enjoy."
"……."
"You don't have to run away anymore."
The wind once again made a tickling rustling sound. I could see the sky spreading behind his back being dyed in crimson.
"Thank you. Because of you, my brother was able to live."
When I closed and opened my eyes, Lucas was already standing with his back to the crimson sky. Like someone who would drift far away at any moment. I watched him from a distance. A familiar sense of déjà vu came over me.
It seemed like the day five years ago, before leaving the mansion, when Lucas had suggested we go play in the village together. After spending a short time together and returning, Lucas had looked at me like that.
Unlike then, Lucas's face came into clear view.
It wasn't the gently smiling face I had imagined. Though he was smiling out of consideration for the other person, that face revealed a desolation and loneliness as deep as the setting sun.
"I will never forget this moment forever."
It was the same words as then, but this time it didn't feel unsettling. But it was a feeling of sadness, pain, and tears welling up. Perhaps because I knew I would never be able to say "let's meet again" to you anymore, as the finality desperately sank in, my heart tightened painfully. Are you feeling the same way as I am right now?
I might be dreaming right now. I didn't care either way. Instead of crying, I smiled back brightly just like then.
"Me too."
I will never forget the moment I, who had only sacrificed others, saved someone, and this moment of meeting you again.
At my words, Lucas smiled broadly one last time.
'I'm okay now.'
The low voice grew fainter and fainter. My vision slowly tilted, and my body sank into darkness. Feeling like I was falling to a bottomless floor, I closed my eyes as is, then at some point, a strange sensation came over me.
When I opened my eyes, my surroundings looked blurry. Where is this. I tried to creak my groggy mind into motion. My body was so heavy, as if a stone was placed on it.
Then a creaking sound was heard. As I blinked once, twice, I saw a blurry figure approaching. When I blinked for the third time, I could see the person's face.
"Paula."
It was Ethan. He must have been sitting next to me, as I could see a chair behind him. His slightly disheveled hair and disordered attire were unlike his usual self. Looking closely, he seemed to have not slept properly, with dark circles under his eyes and a tired face. I looked at him with a still groggy mind. He also looked at me as if examining me.
"Why are you like this? Is something uncomfortable?"
"Master, ni...ce..."
My throat was dry and rough, as if filled with grains of sand. I had only uttered a single word, but somehow it was difficult. Unable to continue speaking and gasping for breath, Ethan caught on to what I wanted to ask and opened his mouth.
"Vincent is fine. He's not hurt anywhere and is perfectly well."
"Thank...fully..."
"It seems I should worry about Paula before Vincent."
His hand gently touched my shoulder area. I followed his gaze blankly, then suddenly realized something was tightly wrapped around my shoulder, making it feel stifled. As I slightly twisted my body, pain rushed in as if my joints had been dislocated. When I let out a groan, Ethan firmly pressed my body down as if telling me to stay still.
While I breathed roughly and regained my composure, Ethan pulled the chair beside the bed closer and sat down. I looked at him blankly again and then moved my dry lips.
"That, man, is...?"
At my question, Ethan smiled sadly. That seemed like an answer. I recalled the gunshot I had heard before closing my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Paula."
Ethan, with both hands clasped together, bowed his head deeply. His disheveled brown hair cast a shadow over his face.
"James wasn't originally such a bad person either. When we were young, he was reliable, and though he seemed stern on the outside, he was a proud older brother who was tender on the inside. Even though we weren't connected by blood, I liked that James never showed it. He was a precious family to me."
"……."
"I... wanted James to atone. I wanted him to properly apologize to the people who suffered because of him. I know. I was complacent. Even knowing he had already gone too far down that road, I kept him alive out of my own selfish desire. But I never wished for this to happen."
"……."
"Even knowing that James made Father like that, and even contributed to killing Lucas, I... was afraid of killing my last remaining family member with my own hands."
His faltering voice seemed to represent his complex state of mind. Ethan confessed his sins as if sighing. His head dropping lower and lower made me feel the guilt he was bearing. His appearance seemed like looking at myself. His words left a hot burn deep in my chest.
"...Because of my wrong choice, a person died, I put Vincent in danger again, and I almost got you killed. I'm sorry. I know it's too late, but I want to apologize."
Ethan bowed his head even deeper. He looked like he would smash his forehead against the floor. He couldn't even look at me properly. I stared blankly at him with his head deeply bowed. As I remained silent, his shoulders drooped more and more.
"Ethan... sir."
"Yes, speak."
"I had, a dream, about, Lord Lucas."
At those words, Ethan raised his head. His large, wide-open eyes shook slightly.
"He, said, he's, okay, now."
"……."
"Not, to, suffer, because, of, the, people, who, have, left... He said, it, would, be, good, to, think, that, we, live, on, to, feel, on, their, behalf, the, happiness, they, couldn't, fully, enjoy."
I had only spoken a few words, but my breathing became rough. I panted and waited for Ethan's reaction. As Ethan quietly listened to my words, his face gradually contorted, and then he let out a weak chuckle. Then he raised his hand and covered his eyes.
"Did that guy say that."
"...Yes."
"Ha, stupid bastard. Until the very end..."
His lips trembled slightly as he let out a sigh. I couldn't continue the conversation anymore. Not because I was tired of speaking, but because Ethan was crying quietly with his eyes covered.