# 148
148. Perhaps It Was For This Moment (1)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for turning my back on you so selfishly.
I wanted to run away, but I never wanted to forget my dead siblings. I thought I had no right to mourn their deaths. I thought I shouldn't cry. What would change even if I cried? It's not like my dead siblings would come back to life. Shedding tears felt like a selfish act to make myself feel better.
But come to think of it, shouldn't I have sent off my siblings like this? Accepting my faults and apologizing, mourning their pitiful deaths, and burying you in my heart like that—shouldn't I have lived my life that way?
And then, when the life that was so suffocatingly tight becomes a little more joyful, when I have the luxury to look back, shouldn't I occasionally recall you and remember you?
For the first time, I recalled my siblings and wailed like a child. A firm arm supported my reeling, unsteady body. I wasn't sure myself whether I was crying or screaming. I just kept crying and begging for forgiveness.
"Ugh, hic."
Vincent gently cupped my chin and lifted my face. Then, with his other hand, he wiped the tears drenching my face. A clumsy, rough touch. Through my blurry vision, I could see Vincent. Even though my face must have been ugly, drenched in tears and mucus, he didn't frown once as he wiped away my streaming tears.
"I shouldn't be doing this."
Even if tears flow, guilt cannot be washed away. The sins I committed still remained. And yet I cry as I please and seek forgiveness. Forgiveness can only be granted by the parties involved, but all those who could forgive me were dead.
"This is just satisfying my own greed... doing this is strange."
"It's not strange."
"But..."
"I don't think you turned your back on your dead siblings. Rather, because you didn't turn away, you managed to live as you are now. I have no desire to pressure you to change right away. I just want you to be happy."
"..."
"There will be times when their deaths make it hard and painful, and you may never be able to forget that guilt, but I hope you don't forsake your own happiness. Just as you wished for me, I wish for you to live that way as well."
My tear-blurred vision gradually became clearer. Only then could I properly see Vincent's face. The corners of his eyes were red. As if he were holding back tears.
"Everyone lives like that. There's nothing special about it. You and I both just live that way."
Neither strange nor special, just living the same as everyone else. The guilt that bound me sometimes feels heavy enough to suffocate me, but as I live on accepting it calmly, are you living that way too?
What a wicked person. You stir me up as you please, dragging out the truth I turned away from and making me face it. Without even considering my feelings. But at this very moment, because he was by my side, I felt I wasn't alone. Ah, is that why he also wants to live together with me?
"Do you really love me?"
"Yes."
"But I cannot reciprocate those feelings."
Love was a feeling of trusting, relying on, and wanting to possess someone. A feeling that made even the pain feel ecstatic as you leapt into the flames. I didn't know such feelings. I couldn't give the proper feelings you desired.
"It's okay. You can just be yourself."
"What if I still can't?"
"Try your best."
"What if I run away?"
"Then I'll just have to catch you again. I'm a greedy person, so I absolutely can't let you go."
He replied lightly to my questions, but the meaning behind them was never light. He was willing to face what was so terrifying to me without hesitation. He was trying to show me his honest heart without hiding it.
"Why do you like me? Why someone like me..."
Why would he like a woman who isn't even confident in herself? Was I worth being stubborn about, knowing it wasn't an easy path?
"Because a life with sight wasn't much different from a life without sight. It still feels like walking through a darkness where I can't see an inch ahead, constantly doubting whether I'm going the right way when I can't even see what's right in front of me. But I thought that even such a life might be a little happier if you would hold my hand."
He grasped my hand. His reddened eyes met mine calmly, questioning my intentions. Would I push him away or not?
He really was a greedy person. He hadn't even considered my intentions important from the start. Even though I knew that if I refused or ran away, he would find another way to keep me by his side, he was hoping I would come to him on my own.
Even knowing his heart, I still hesitated. I felt anxious, sinking into the thought that I shouldn't be doing this. I had no confidence to live a happy life. I couldn't set aside my guilt in one corner. Vincent said it was okay, but accepting him this way was no different from using him. Did I have the right to dare use him? I was still such an insecure person.
"You meddle in other people's business to the point of being annoying, so why are you so insecure when it comes to your own?"
It wasn't a condemning remark. I knew well that concern was embedded in it instead. I avoided his gaze and fidgeted with my fingers without being able to hold his hand.
"Alright."
I flinched at those words. Our held hands fell apart. My empty hand felt cold. My vision went hazy again. As I blinked, a single tear that had pooled in my eyes trickled down.
"Instead, let me comfort you."
When I raised my head, I couldn't see Vincent's face clearly. He wiped away the tears flowing down my cheek with his hand.
"But I can't give you gentle comfort like you do."
The hand that had been wiping my tears slipped down and traced my nape. The hand slipping under my thin nightgown carried an overt intention.
I shouldn't do this, even as I tell myself I shouldn't... I end up wavering. Maybe it was because I recalled my siblings. Perhaps it was because I cried. The wall I had firmly built in my heart crumbled, and he grabbed what seeped through the cracks, offering me a sweet proposition. A strange emotion arose, as if he were permitting me to satisfy my greed now.
Just once, I want to be comforted too. I want to act spoilt to my heart's content. Just this once, wouldn't it be okay to choose according to my own greed? Even if I regret it in the distant future, at least for this moment, for myself.
"Please comfort me."
His hand paused. I gathered both my hands and gripped his tightly.
"Please comfort me..."
I said it again in case he hadn't heard me. But there was no need. The hand that had been lifting my nightgown moved behind my ear. My face was tilted up, and hot breath met my lips. I gladly welcomed him as he licked his way past my moist lips.
My whole body burned. It tingled, too. A large hand stopped my body from constantly shrinking back. When a wet sound flowed from our pressed lips, I felt embarrassed. I wanted to tell him to stop, but at the same time, contradictory feelings of wanting him to touch me more swirled together in confusion.
"Is it hard?"
Vincent, who had been stroking my damp hair back with his hand, whispered softly. I was now a little accustomed to the sensation of touching and leaving my cheek. I blinked blankly.
"No."
Contrary to my answer, my voice was husky, as if submerged in water. A soft laugh spilled from the lips touching my cheek. My lie had been discovered. But I was truly okay. I took his hand that was resting on my neck and rubbed it against my other cheek. Vincent, who had been watching me steadily, suddenly bit my earlobe. With a stinging pain, I let out a small whimper.
My moisture-laden eyes felt heavy, so I kept blinking. Each time, Vincent stared intently at my face. His gaze was so intense it felt sticky.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because I'm anxious."
I knew what he was anxious about. This one night couldn't change everything. Moreover, I hadn't even given a small response to his feelings.
I recalled Vincent, who always told me not to run away. Whenever I disappeared, he would always come looking for me. He didn't show it much, but he must have had his own anxiety. It was funny that it was directed at me, but I now knew well that it couldn't just be brushed off as a joke.
What could I do for someone like you? After pondering for a moment, I traced his face. Just as he had once done for me, I etched each of his features into my fingertips. A bead of sweat rolling down his forehead wet my hand.
"I can't promise you anything else, but I promise you this."
I didn't know if this alone would give him peace of mind, but it was everything I could say right now.
"I won't leave without a word."
At the very least, I didn't want to run away anymore. This was all I could give right now. As if making a vow, I offered him my true feelings. Vincent, who heard my words, seemed surprised before his eyes curved into a smile.
"Good. That's enough for now."
It was an insignificant answer compared to the feelings he had shown me so far. Nevertheless, he smiled happily as if that alone was enough. Seeing that face made my heart twinge.
Once I let my feelings out, my hesitation faded a little. I cried to my heart's content in his embrace and received comfort. I acted spoilt, just as he had done for me before. Even though I must have been annoying, being so completely unbound, he accepted me gently. He had said he couldn't give gentle comfort, yet he embraced me so tenderly. He even whispered that he was clinging to me out of his own greed, so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
I came to my senses at the sound of birds chirping outside the window. The morning sunlight was dazzling. I blinked, trying to gather my still-hazy mind. Perhaps because I'd cried all night, my eyes were swollen and sore. Then, when I slightly raised my head, a man clinging stubbornly to me came into view.
Vincent's brow was deeply furrowed, as if he were having a bad dream. I twisted my body and used my barely freed hand to gently rub his creased brow. Then I stared blankly as his face slowly relaxed. Perhaps feeling my gaze, Vincent woke from sleep, still with his eyes closed, curled up and nuzzled his face against my shoulder. My gaze naturally drifted to the desk clock.
"Sleep a little more..."
"It's already morning. Get up."
I felt like we'd had a similar conversation before. Unlike that time, it felt a little more embarrassing. I rolled my eyes around for no reason and brushed away the hair tickling my cheek. Then, as if responding to my touch, he hugged me even tighter.
"We slept late. Sleep more."
"If I sleep more, I'll get in trouble."
"Who would dare scold you."
Ah, right.
"I'll get scolded."
"If there's anyone scolding you, tell me."
He looked ready to grab my hand and go confront anyone who dared to scold me.
My body was heavy. It would be really nice to fall asleep like this. I groaned at the sweet proposition and struggled for a moment, but soon gathered myself and shook his shoulder.
"Get up. Quickly."
"Umm..."
Vincent, who had been rubbing his face against my shoulder as if refusing, let out a deep sigh and sat up. When the sheet was suddenly pulled back, the body hidden beneath was revealed before my eyes. I started and rolled sideways. It was a good thing I was lying near the wall, or I would have fallen off the bed.
"What are you doing?"
"I just thought the wall was really pretty."
Embarrassed by his yawn-laced question, I pulled the sheet over myself as I sat up and spouted whatever came to mind. It seemed like complete nonsense, but out of politeness, I kept my gaze fixed on the wall. The edge of the bed shifted, and soon I felt the presence of Vincent getting out of bed. Until then, I was staring intently at nothing but the wall.