# 144
144. Met the Count Again (13)
That night, I ran to Alicia, who looked unusually cheerful.
"Did you do it?"
"What are you talking about out of nowhere?"
"You must have heard the rumors about me. They're quite different from what you told me last time, so it seems someone intentionally exaggerated them."
"Don't drag innocent people into this. I don't know anything about it."
But seeing her calm face, I couldn't believe those words.
Of course, rumors could circulate. A maid who saw Vincent and me together might have spread the word without much thought. But a lightly spread rumor dies just as easily. Besides, I wasn't exactly a noticeable person—if I wasn't associated with Alicia, that is.
When I thought someone must have exaggerated the story, Alicia came to mind first. Even while thinking it couldn't be, a sprout of thought grew that maybe it could be.
After the incident with Vincent last time, Alicia seemed anxious for a few days but quickly regained her spirit and went to see him more aggressively. Vincent didn't push Alicia away, but maintained a curt attitude throughout. Nevertheless, Alicia didn't give up, and on days when they clashed more often, I looked at her with even more disapproval.
"If it wasn't you, then who. Well, if it's true, that would be a problem."
Seeing her laughing happily, I suddenly felt cornered. Whether the rumor was true or not wasn't important. What had already spread couldn't be taken back. This rumor wouldn't disappear for a while, and the thought that it might harm Vincent frightened me.
To Vincent, I was the only person he could confide in. So I asked to stay by his side, and I wanted to be there as long as he needed me. But this was within the relationship of master and servant.
The rumor that I was entangled in an illicit relationship with him was absurd. That was something that could absolutely never happen.
"I apologize for returning this late. Thank you for lending it to me."
As I politely handed over the jacket, Vincent took it casually. As if something else was more important, he grabbed my descending hand and interlaced his fingers with mine. I quickly looked around.
Usually, I met him in his and Robert's room, and unless we were alone, I tried to be careful about showing affection. Occasionally when he followed me during my break time, I chose a place where people rarely came. Today too, we met at the dead end of the first-floor corridor where we had been last time. Even though I had already confirmed that there was no one around on my way here, I found myself looking around anyway.
"Have you thought of a place you'd like to go?"
"Ah... I think it's fine to just stay at the mansion like this."
It wasn't the answer he wanted, as Vincent made a displeased expression again. But I didn't change my answer and looked down at my held hand. I wiggled my fingers once.
I thought he would tell me to reconsider since I had given a dismissive answer to his suggestion to go for a walk, but Vincent, who seemed to be thinking about something for a moment, suddenly pulled my hand. As he led me out of the dead end into the corridor, I urgently shook off his held hand.
The force with which I pushed his hand away was a bit strong. Vincent stopped walking and looked back at me. Seeing his startled face, I panicked and lowered my gaze with both hands clasped together.
"Please go ahead, and I'll follow behind."
"……."
He said nothing. Instead, his footsteps grew distant. I kept a reasonable distance and followed behind him. Just in case, I kept looking around.
I thought he would go somewhere in the mansion, but he went outside. Seeing him enter the forest, I realized my answer wasn't accepted.
Vincent said nothing as he walked through the forest. I maintained my distance while being on high alert about whether anyone else was here. After walking like that for a while, Vincent stopped. When I stopped as well, Vincent looked back at me and held out his hand.
"Is this enough?"
"Pardon?"
"There's no one here. Come closer."
I looked at the extended hand and then gazed at Vincent again. He seemed to understand the reason for my behavior. Standing this far apart, he felt a bit distant, but Vincent closed the distance again as if it was nothing.
I hesitated for a moment before carefully stepping toward him. As I approached, he naturally grasped my hand. Perhaps because we held hands often five years ago, he always tried to hold hands like this when we were alone. A familiar yet awkward sensation firmly enveloped my hand.
Led by him, I moved again. He was silent, and I didn't bring up any particular topic either. Still, it wasn't an uncomfortable atmosphere. Rather, it felt more stable and comfortable.
Was it because we were holding hands, or because he had simply dispelled my anxiety? I no longer looked around and just stared blankly at his back.
The scenery as we walked became somewhat familiar. It didn't seem like we were just strolling through the forest; perhaps we were heading to the annex.
But Vincent passed even the annex and headed in a different direction. I brushed through the bushes, confirming the receding annex, and looked at him.
"Master, where are you going?"
"A place you'll like."
A place I'll like? I thought about it for a moment but no suitable place came to mind. Perhaps it was quite far, as Vincent quickened his pace. I also didn't try to make conversation anymore and quickly followed behind him.
As we walked like that, a path appeared again. It had been a while, but the unchanged scenery caught my eye. It was the forest behind the annex. Having walked there enough to get sick of it five years ago, it felt a bit welcoming. As I was looking around needlessly, Vincent headed in a direction that wasn't the path.
Brushing through the bushes, the way wasn't smooth. I almost got poked by a suddenly protruding branch and almost tripped over a stone. However, even this felt familiar. Following him, I gradually realized where Vincent was heading.
After carefully walking and walking while avoiding obstacles, we finally arrived at our destination. A spectacular view of white flowers filling the open space unfolded before my eyes. I let out a small gasp just like back then. Both five years ago and now, it was truly a beautiful space.
Vincent led me and strode into the flower bed.
"Is this the place I like?"
"Yes. You liked it here."
Vincent looked around at the white flowers indifferently.
"I also promised to bring you here last time."
Come to think of it, he did say something like that. It was a place I had visited only once following Lucas, but the memory of this place remained intense.
When Vincent picked the flowers from here and sprinkled them over me like snow, I felt relieved thinking he was cherishing the memories with Lucas. But now... I hardened my expression.
"But you don't like it here, Master."
Vincent took his eyes off the flowers and looked at me.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because it's a memory with Lord Lucas."
The voice confessing his sin in his room at the annex was still vivid. His distorted face and the thick teardrops falling incessantly were deeply etched in my heart.
Whenever I thought of Lucas, who was kind and gentle, I always felt sorry. I still couldn't escape the guilt of leaving him alone and running away. And I thought Vincent would also struggle whenever he remembered Lucas. Though the depth of understanding was different now, that thought remained.
"That's not true. Though there were difficult things, Lucas was my friend's younger brother and is still like a real brother to me. I don't want to bury any of it—neither the good memories nor the bad."
"Is that possible?"
Is it really possible to keep all the memories with Lucas together? It's so difficult for me. I can't even easily recall the good memories because I don't want to bring up the painful ones, so are you really okay?
But Vincent's answer was 'no.'
"It's difficult."
"You mean you remember even though it's difficult?"
"Do you want to forget?"
Did I want to forget? The things with Lucas, the memories with my siblings. Did I want to forget everything because of the painful memories that even ate away at the good ones?
Lucas was a gentle person from the beginning. He didn't treat me oppressively even though I was a subordinate, and looked at me with an equal gaze. It was the first time a superior, let alone a noble, had looked at me like that. Because I was so grateful to Lucas for letting me experience that first, the memory of running away and leaving such a grateful person behind bound me even more tightly. And the same went for my siblings. They were innocent children who followed me well. Because I had shared their first moments, the last moments hurt even more.
I moved my dry lips. I wanted to answer no. But truthfully, perhaps I did want to forget. Perhaps I had already run away. I realized that my true heart wanted to shake off all the difficult things and live as if nothing had happened. I wanted to erase even my sins like that.
I am truly selfish. The flowers blooming before me are white, yet my heart is so dark. I didn't have the confidence to accept my sins and recall memories like Vincent.
My body shrinks. My head lowers. My grown-out bangs covered my eyes and swayed. The flower clusters swaying on the wind tapped the back of my hand. The flowers surrounding me seemed to be condemning me. I gripped the hem of my dress with both hands. The scent of grass piercing my nostrils felt overwhelming.
Vincent would also know that silence was affirmation. Nevertheless, he didn't condemn me.
"Where is there a set method for being sorry?"
Those words scattered on the wind. Vincent draped the jacket he was holding over my shoulders. When his hand touched me, I flinched involuntarily, but Vincent pretended not to notice and fastened the jacket.
"But what's been making you so anxious since earlier?"
The topic changed naturally. After gathering my senses a little, I spoke.
"...It seems there's a strange rumor going around about me."
"What rumor."
"Someone saw me giving off a strange atmosphere with some man..."
I lumped my words together because I didn't want to tell him the malicious rumor.
"Is that partner me?"
"No, it hasn't been rumored as to who the partner is. It'll be a baseless rumor anyway, but there's no harm in being careful. I think this is a good time to be more alert to our surroundings when we're alone. You don't have to be so friendly to me."
"What are you suddenly talking about."
"Because you're usually curt."
Since he was someone who didn't have much interest in others and was originally stern, even showing a little kindness could stand out. So the fact that he had become affectionate toward me recently had a high chance of being noticed if someone paid even a little attention. Then they would find our relationship strange. With the thought that I couldn't cause him harm, I hesitantly raised my head, and Vincent had a somewhat peculiar expression on his face.
"Sometimes I get confused. Do you simply hate strange rumors spreading, or do you hate having such rumors with me?"
"Uh..."
If I had to choose, wouldn't it be the latter? I didn't care about strange rumors about me, but he was different. But seeing his face, I couldn't answer easily. As I hesitated, Vincent continued speaking.
"I understand what you're worried about. But we can't hide it forever."
"That's true. If I work here for a long time..."
"What are you talking about. Why would you work?"
"Pardon? That's because I'm a servant here."
"……."
Vincent closed his mouth. His firmly shut lips revealed his displeasure. Did I make a slip of the tongue? I tilted my head and pondered why he was making such a face. Vincent, who was watching me like that, suddenly let out a deep sigh.