# 113
113. Even Coincidences Are Ultimately Fate (10)
I slammed my forehead against the floor again and again. Blood burst forth, but even that pain could not suppress this wretchedness. It was too miserable. The helplessness of being unable to do anything was wretched. The sheer terror of myself, who turned away even my younger siblings just to survive, was unbearable.
Someone, please save me from this hell. No, help the second child. Someone, please... anyone, just please save my sibling...!
I desperately begged someone I did not know. I prayed to a god I had never believed in my entire life. I even pleaded with the mother who had abandoned us and left.
However, my desperate pleas held no power at all. The moon hanging in the sky merely looked down at my wretched state.
Not long after that incident, I heard the news that the second child had died. I held my sibling's funeral all alone.
That night, the deceased second child visited me. With a pale complexion, they smiled warmly and reached out a hand to me. My eyes caught that arm—so frail it looked as though it might snap.
‘Sister, sister.’
That day, I realized I had finally lost my mind.
After that, the second child visited every night. From some point on, the youngest, who had been beaten to death, joined them. When the fourth starved to death, they came as well.
My siblings surrounded me every night, whispering their resentment. I could not tell if I was hallucinating or dreaming.
Even now, the deceased second child was smiling and whispering to me. Blood trickled down between my sibling's legs.
“Sister, sister.”
Sister, sister, sister! My sibling’s voice echoed like a scream. I felt suffocated. The darkness seemed to crush me.
Who is it that remains here?
The father is dead, yet the devil's spawn still exists.
Shouldn't that devil's spawn be killed now?
My vision turned pitch black. My breathing quickened. I couldn't keep my sanity. I scratched at my wrists, which wouldn't stop tingling, and bit my lower lip fiercely.
At that moment, my body spun.
“Snap out of it!”
“Hah!”
My pitch-black vision flashed open. Light poured in. A scowling face came into view. Golden hair, gleaming with the moonlight, brushed against me. Anxiety dwelled in those emerald eyes. Only then did I realize he was gripping both my arms.
“Are you alright? Were you having a nightmare?”
“My sibling...”
“Sibling?”
“N... no, it's nothing. I was just thinking about my sibling.”
His scrutinizing gaze made me uncomfortable. When I avoided his eyes, the space between his brows narrowed even further.
“Are you talking about the sibling who came here with you?”
I smiled bitterly and nodded. I hadn't been thinking of Alicia, but I gave a vague answer affirming it. He closed his mouth and assessed my condition. My entire body felt damp and sticky; I must have broken out in a cold sweat.
“You really must be afraid of the dark.”
“……”
I said nothing. It wasn't a lie that I was afraid of the dark, but to be precise, it was the night itself that terrified me.
“It would be troublesome if you fainted.”
“Yes, I apologize.”
He clicked his tongue softly. At the sound, my throat constricted. My father came to mind. I used to think all grown men were like him. The reason I hadn't been afraid of Vincent in the past was simply because he had looked weaker than me.
I wished he would let go of my arms... I tried twisting my captured arm, but he didn't let go. No, he released one arm only, and with that same hand, he suddenly rubbed my cheek.
Only then did I realize I was crying. I had wondered why he was staring so intensely; it must have been because I was in tears. Even though he must have been flustered, Vincent showed no outward sign of it and simply wiped away the tears streaming down my cheek.
“Don't lower your head. I can't understand how you feel if you just cry.”
It was a gruff voice. The hand wiping my tears was just as rough and clumsy as his voice, but that did not mean it wasn't warm.
For a while, only the sound of my breathing echoed inside the storage room. I stared blankly at Vincent, and he, with his eyes cast down, continuously wiped at my cheek.
After a moment, Vincent parted his lips as if hesitating.
“I’m not good at things like comforting.”
“……”
“I don't know your circumstances, nor do I want to presumptuously try to understand them. I know full well that doing so can only make things harder for the other person.”
“……”
“However, I have received gentle comfort before.”
The emerald eyes that had been watching my face shifted their gaze to look directly into mine. In that moment, the hand holding my arm brushed up to my shoulder. Warmth enveloped my entire body. In the blink of an eye, I was pulled into Vincent's embrace.
He wrapped his long arm tightly around my startled waist.
“You don’t have to hold it in.”
A low voice resonated by my ear.
“There’s no need to force yourself to shake it off. Reality isn’t a fairy tale. It’s as hard as death, as hellish as damnation itself, so how could you possibly overcome it every single time? Whether you keep holding on or not is entirely your choice to make. But don’t forget this.”
“……”
“That even in a darkness like this, light can still shine down.”
My vision blurred. Something surged up from deep within my chest, making my throat burn. I wanted to let out a dry laugh, but I bit my lip with my teeth, fearing that if I opened my mouth, a scream would escape instead.
“That you can receive comfort.”
“……”
I had never expected that someone like me could remain passionately in someone’s heart. I had lived my entire life this way, after all. But if—just if—I could remain in someone’s heart, what would that feel like? I had imagined it before, but I never knew it would feel like this.
These were the words I had once said to him. Words I had spoken to him when he had lost his light, confined himself in his room, and merely waited for the day he would die. So, he remembered. That brought me both joy and sorrow. I was glad that my lies had brought him comfort... yet so terribly sorry.
Do you know? The words I said to you were actually the words I wanted to hear. I simply blurted out the words I longed to hear to you. I thought I had to at least humor you to be allowed to stay by your side. That was all there was to it.
Yes, that was all.
In the darkness, I saw a familiar silhouette. It was watching me. Blood dripped from the pale face revealed between the disheveled brown hair.
On the night I fled this place five years ago, Lucas had come to me alongside my siblings. He looked exactly as he had the last time I saw him. A face so stained with blood that it was hard to even make out his features. Eyes filled with resentment glared viciously at me. Yet, the corners of his mouth were turned up in a gentle smile. With that bizarre expression, he visited me every night. I didn't know if this was a hallucination or a dream, and neither did he.
Blood flowed from his split lips. He said exactly one thing to me.
“Run away.”
It was always just those words.
“Run away. Run away, quickly.”
Those words swallowed up the courage I needed to confess my true feelings.
I still live in hell. And I will likely never escape this hell for eternity. To me, even an ordinary life was a luxury, and happiness was an existence akin to a distant dream.
I could never reach the ending where I discard everything and leave, like some protagonist in a book. That is because my life was built upon someone else's sacrifice.
If one does not wield a knife, is it not still murder? If one does not spit harsh words, is it not still poison? My eyes were blades, and my mouth was sweet poison. My indifferent gaze turned into sharp edges, ruthlessly stabbing my siblings, and the sugarcoated words from my lips shredded their hearts to pieces. I was a being who only brought pain to my siblings.
Faintly and lengthily, even just one more day. That was how I wanted to live. While someone else might have wished to close their eyes even a second sooner in this hellish life, I did not.
I wanted to live. There was a time I had desperately wished for death, but now, I wanted to live. Even if it was a hellish existence, choosing death felt unfair. I didn't care if I was pointed at for looking strange, nor did it matter if I was cursed for being filthy. I wanted to survive, even if it meant bowing my head and bending my back.
I would survive in this hell for a long time, and I would atone to my siblings who suffered and died, and to Lucas. That was the reason I, who wanted to die, had to live.
“Still... what if I end up wanting to run away?”
“Then just run.”
Such a casual reply reached my ears. I smiled faintly.
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not? Is it such a terrible thing to do? Think about it—when someone is enduring unbearable hardship and agony, fighting tooth and nail to hold on, and then they just want to catch their breath for a moment, who could criticize them for that? No, no one has the right to judge you. Because no one else can live your life for you.”
“……”
“Nothing is forbidden. You simply live as you do.”
You simply live as you do. I ruminated on those words as I placed a hand on his firm shoulder and leaned my cheek against it.
His shoulder grew damp. He must have felt it, yet he said nothing. He didn't pat my back or stroke my head.
But because he didn't, I could cling to his embrace. Because he didn't tell me it was okay, and because his embrace was so incredibly warm, it became a true comfort.
“Shall I tell you a secret? I actually dislike the moon.”
“I hated it too.”
“……”
“But right now, it’s not so bad. Because it feels like I’m not alone.”
What does it feel like to not be alone? But, perhaps it could be like this. Come to think of it, even when my siblings came to visit me, I didn't feel like I was alone. Just for that moment, I couldn't feel the bone-chilling loneliness.
I closed my eyes. Tears fell endlessly, soaking his shoulder. For a while, I remained in his embrace, freely receiving his comfort.
Then, at some point, I sensed a presence outside. The moment I noticed it, the door flung open. A harsh stream of light poured in as someone revealed themselves.
“I’ve been looking for you for a while.”
Uh...?
“You suddenly disappeared, you know. I was worried. Even if it's a game of hide-and-seek, hiding away this thoroughly is a bit much, isn't it?”
It was Ethan. He spoke playfully with a relieved smile. I stared at him blankly. Vincent, who had pulled away from me in the meantime, turned around, confirmed who it was, and moved toward the door. I also belatedly scrambled out.
“Were you crying?”
As soon as we stepped outside and Ethan saw my face, his brows furrowed. Flustered, I rubbed my face. My palm came away damp. I must have cried a lot without even realizing it. Just as I was about to explain the situation, Ethan suddenly grabbed Vincent by the shoulder.
“Did you make her cry?”
He asked in a menacing voice. Vincent gave me a brief glance before looking back at Ethan with an indifferent expression.
“I asked if you made her cry.”
“Yeah.”
“What?”
“I made her cry.”
Having made that astonishing remark, Vincent calmly turned away. The flustered nanny, who had stepped aside to make way, glanced back and forth between the retreating Vincent and me.
Ethan watched Vincent leave the room as if he couldn't believe it, but soon stiffened his expression and followed him out. Sensing the unusual atmosphere, I panicked and tried to chase after Ethan, but the nanny grabbed me.
“Did the Count really make you cry?”
“Huh? Ah, well, no.”
“Oh my! What happened here! Look at all this dust!”
As the nanny brushed the dust off my head, puffs of dust rose into the air. As I broke into a consecutive coughing fit from it, the nanny scanned me up and down before glaring in the direction Vincent had disappeared, as if looking at the most depraved person in the world. No, that's not how it is! I had no idea what she saw between him and me to cause such a misunderstanding. Anyone could see that we weren't in a position to invite such a misunderstanding, right?