I closed my eyes and did my best to fall asleep inside the shaking car.
The distance was considerable, and I had always been prone to motion sickness.
More than anything, I just wanted to sleep right now.
I sank deeper.
A sorrowful feeling.
There was no one left who understood me or could comfort me.
"Mom……"
How was I supposed to live now?
Only such thoughts remained, circling around me.
Could I do this well?
Could I really… do this well?
Honestly, I didn't know anything.
Tears threatened to spill out.
A familiar neighborhood brushed past and faded away.
I was only now escaping this hellish place.
But could I truly guarantee that where I was heading now wasn't hell either?
I was confused. Were the people before me really people?
Or were they demons?
"I don't want to be disposed of……"
With that thought, I would have to live while reading the room from now on.
Forever, without even being able to die.
"…I wonder what it would be like if I could just die instead."
"……"
When I muttered without realizing it, the Chief looked at me and let out a sigh.
"Things will get easier."
"……"
"But the people you saved will have to live in hell forever."
"…That's, right."
Those left behind must live in hell forever.
I knew this all too well, because Mom died and left me behind.
I was in the very center of hell right now.
Unable to die, I had survived—and become a monster who could no longer die, even if I wanted to.
"……"
I shed tears without a sound.
The thought crossed my mind—wasn't living like this too miserable?
Even so, there was nothing I could do.
I simply had to stay true to my desires.
Namely, that I no longer wanted to suffer.
"…I'm afraid of suffering… I hate it, now."
"Cruel words, those."
The Chief said so, gripping the steering wheel.
Actually, I knew what would become of me now.
"The future will be far more painful."
"……"
"Don't endure it."
"…!!"
The Chief took off his sunglasses as he told me not to endure it.
Then, a massive scar was revealed on that face.
"It would be better to go mad quickly."
"……"
"If you live like Yeonwoo or me, clinging to life tooth and nail, it'll just be exhausting. Better to go mad quickly. We'll die someday, but you won't."
It was a cruel thing to say.
But to me, who could no longer chase ideals, it was also the best comfort.
I was going mad.
Left alone on a solitary island……
Going mad with no one left to even remember me.
My tears ran dry.
They would not flow.
I stared blankly into empty space.
"Mom…I really wanted to see you…I really, really wanted to see you……"
Now, I couldn't.
The fact that I couldn't meet her even after death was heartbreaking.
I was simply afraid of the countless pains that would appear before me.
Come back to life and die, and come back to life and die, and come back to life and die again.
A life where only that repeated itself was infinitely terrifying.
Some say you should be grateful just to be alive.
But what if what lies ahead is hell?
What if you had to repeat suffering and recovery without ever finding rest?
If they saw me like that, could they say the same thing?
Or would they simply pray for me to break this chain quickly?
Holding such questions, I stared blankly at the car ceiling.
For some reason, it felt like something inside me had snapped.
* * *
When we arrived at the Management Bureau, it was raining.
Only the Chief and Yeonwoo had umbrellas.
"Sion, let's go. I'll hold it over you."
"…Huh?"
My senior frowned at me as I replied blankly.
"…Are you going to share with that old man? You're a high school girl, after all."
"W-Well… I'm a guy, though."
"You're a girl now."
Saying so, my senior pulled my hand.
At this, the Supervisor clicked her tongue and rebuked my senior.
"Hah, really something… You just want to stick close to something that smells human."
"Cut the chatter and let's go, Supervisor."
The Chief intervened with the Supervisor and held an umbrella over me.
It was a display of treatment befitting someone who had built up some achievements.
'If I build up more achievements… will I be set free?'
With that thought, I kept glancing at my senior, gauging their reaction.
Then my senior, who had been walking while only looking ahead, asked quietly.
"…What."
"Huh…?"
"You've been glancing at me since earlier. Why?"
Senior Yeonwoo spoke somewhat sharply.
A bit frightened, I trembled, and they let out a sigh, pressing me silently to speak.
"…I was wondering if… if I accumulate more merits… you could let me go…"
"What?"
"…Me."
"……"
My senior looked at me blankly and thought for a moment.
Then they threw a question at me.
"Red pill or blue pill."
"Huh…?"
"Haven't seen the movie?"
"Ah… t-the red pill."
When I answered red pill, they nodded and opened their mouth.
"I can't set you loose into society."
"Ah……"
"Instead, moving as my buddy… and taking leave outside missions within designated areas should be possible."
"…!!"
"If you behave."
Saying so, my senior held out a hand like to a puppy and commanded, "Paw."
I hesitated slightly but reached out and placed my hand atop my senior's.
"Good girl."
"…I-is it true that you'll let me go if I behave?"
"Yeah."
My senior nodded.
Perhaps because we'd grown somewhat closer, my senior didn't say anything about me touching their hand.
Maybe it was also because I had saved them once.
"I-I saved your life once, Senior……"
I said so as we walked side by side again.
To that, my senior asked as if wondering when that had happened.
When I looked at them blankly, they tilted their head and said, "Music room?"
When I nodded, my senior asked how that counted as saving them.
"How is that saving me?"
"Ah……"
"Never mind."
When my senior sighed, before we knew it, we had arrived under the shelter of the Management Bureau where the rain couldn't reach.
There, my senior shook off the umbrella and waved their other hand to turn on the entrance light.
"……"
"…Sion."
"Y-Yes…!"
When I was staring blankly at the rainy outside, my senior placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Try your best. If you want, the Management Bureau can devise a way to kill you."
"Ah……"
"Don't you want to see your mother?"
"……"
I want to.
I've lived too hard; now I want to rest.
"I w-want to see her……"
"Then do your best so you can die."
"…Yes."
"Since you can resurrect, you'll be able to keep up with my training as much as I want."
"Huh…?"
When I asked in disbelief, my senior was simply smiling broadly.
Life had returned to their eyes.
"You seem human."
"…I am, though."
"Hah… I still can't fully accept it, but I like that you're trying. Unlike someone."
Saying so, my senior looked at the Supervisor with a disgusted expression.
Seeing my senior like that, the Supervisor sighed and asked as if arguing.
"What exactly has this one done wrong?"
"…Supervisor, you killed 1,232 people before you were brought in."
"Urk……"
"The abilities you use—they're all human souls."
"…!!"
My eyes went wide, and the Supervisor awkwardly averted their gaze.
They had killed an insane number of people.
Yet they shamelessly worked at the Management Bureau.
"Urp……"
I felt sick, and the Supervisor before me began to waver like a heat haze.
As expected, a monster is a monster.
Eventually, I couldn't hold it in and vomited.
Patting my back kindly—
"There are those far worse than this one, yet why are you so surprised?"
—the Supervisor.
Her chilling presence overlapped with the gentle hand rubbing my back, causing tremendous cognitive dissonance.
* * *
I returned to the office and sat at my empty desk.
-Sssshhhhhh
In the office where the sound of rain could be heard, only the Chief and Senior Yeonwoo were working.
The Supervisor was pretending to smoke, exhaling black smoke she had created.
"Yes, that's correct. Please handle it."
"Chief, I'll give you the evidence here."
"Yeah, sure."
The two moving busily, and me sitting upright in a tense posture, staring only at empty air.
And the Supervisor with her feet on the desk, diligently making a show of smoking.
I couldn't figure out what the atmosphere of Action Team 1 was like at all.
Honestly speaking, it was a bit boring.
Just blankly watching them work made me feel like I was being a burden.
Perhaps noticing my restless appearance, the Supervisor giggled while looking at me.
"Rookie."
"…Huh?!"
"Why so surprised?"
The Supervisor, looking at me as if amused, got up from her seat, grabbed my hand, and headed toward the exit.
"Hey, humans!"
"…?"
"…What are you up to now? Sit down, bitch."
The Chief tilted his head at the Supervisor's call, while Senior Yeonwoo cursed right away.
Looking at the two, the Supervisor giggled and threw a remark.
"I shall go and introduce the rookie to the Bureau."
"…Leave it to Yeonwoo. Sit down, Supervisor. That's an order. Help with the work."
"Ah."
Letting out a short sigh, the Supervisor grumbled and returned to her seat.
I too carefully gauged the mood and sat back down.
Then I shifted my gaze to my senior, who was looking at me.
"Paperwork… Let me finish organizing this, then I'll go and show you around."
"Ah… yes."
"Keep it short."
"Yes……"
"…You're hopeless."
Saying so, my senior sighed and tapped the paperwork into order.
I hung my head low, completely intimidated.
'…I wish today's work would end quickly.'
I was simply praying for work to end as soon as possible.
-Tap tap!
The organizing of paperwork ended with the final tapping.
And my senior came to me, jerking their chin.
"Let's go. I'll show you around."
"Yes……"
"Hah… Never mind. Let's go."
Perhaps displeased with my way of speaking, my senior sighed and grabbed my wrist.
And so, I ended up getting a tour of the Management Bureau from my senior.