Episode 1 – Why Desire Arises
Professor Kim’s gaze landed on Jian’s pale wrist as she held her glass. When she tipped the liquid into her mouth, the muscles of her white throat moved strangely. Her red lips holding the liquid and the long fingers wrapped around the glass were provocative, like a deliberately staged scene.
“Isn’t Professor Song getting married?”
Her hand, which had paused slightly, soon regained its composure.
“I don’t really want to talk about personal matters.”
“Ah… privacy. Is that what this is?”
Despite the seemingly mocking tone, Jian didn’t waver in the slightest.
“Oh my, our Professor Song has the looks and the ability—if she just set her mind to it, she could have anyone anytime.”
Professor Choi poured alcohol into Jian’s glass as he joked around.
Even in the dark bar, her appearance shone. Her black wavy hair falling dangerously below her chest and her red lips were enchanting, and the curves hidden beneath her shirt evoked strange desire in whoever looked upon them.
The finishing touch was her eyes. Her gaze, cold yet somehow heated, seemed to leave room in one sense, yet on the other hand drew a sharp line, with something about it that drove the other person crazy with impatience.
“I heard Professor Song is getting a paper published in the QJE this time? And at such a young age too, amazing.”
As soon as Professor Choi finished speaking, Professor Park, sitting across from him, took up the conversation.
“Oh my, there’s no need to even mention Professor Song’s abilities, is there? She was appointed as an assistant professor at the University of Chicago right after graduating from her doctorate program.”
Having obtained her master’s degree in just five years through an integrated bachelor’s-master’s program, Jian earned her doctorate in game theory from Princeton University in the United States and published a sole-authored paper in the RES, one of the top five journals, before graduating.
After being appointed as an assistant professor at an American university at age thirty with that paper, she poured all her energy and time into research for a year. Even in the American economics field crowded with the best and brightest, she was unmistakably outstanding talent.
The brakes had been slammed on her rosy life at the beginning of this year. Her father had been in a sudden accident, making it difficult for her to remain in America any longer. In the end, she had no choice but to put aside everything she had planned and submit her resume to a domestic university.
“From here on out is the problem. Honestly, those two previous papers were published while you were at an American university. Korea’s situation is completely different. You won’t even have a chance starting with your next paper.”
Professor Kim, bringing his glass to his lips, twisted up the corner of his mouth.
The atmosphere at the domestic university was more conservative than she had thought. Jian’s glamorous appearance, which didn’t match her outstanding resume, was enough to provoke people’s antagonism. Here, she was persistently pressured to choose between being a woman and being a professor.
The hostility Professor Kim displayed was also a type of such sentiment.
“Even if Professor Song has good looks and ability, she’ll have a hard time meeting a decent man after living in America for so long.”
A chill swept down her spine.
“What do you mean by that?”
“You know. Korean men are still conservative. If you’ve lived abroad for so long, you must have dated foreign men too… Honestly, it’s a bit off-putting.”
Professor Kim shrugged his shoulders. His struggle to salvage his pride even in this manner was so pathetic that she nearly burst out laughing.
“Then I’ll date a foreign man.”
“But that’s not how it is. Koreans should date Koreans.”
“Must it necessarily be that way? The world is wide and there are plenty of men….”
“It seems Professor Song still doesn’t know—our people still don’t look kindly on international marriage. Especially a woman in an international marriage? It brings up historically unpleasant memories.”
Perhaps finding it uncomfortable even to listen, Professor Park quickly poured alcohol into Professor Kim’s glass.
“Oh my, Senior. You didn’t even realize your glass was empty… Please, have a drink.”
She could have just ended it there. She could have brushed it off thinking that all’s well that ends well. After all, Professor Kim was quite drunk, and he was someone she would have to see throughout her school life hereafter.
But Jian willingly chose the uncomfortable path.
“What kind of reaction are you expecting from saying that? Would you like me to show you tears of regret?”
“What?”
Perhaps because her sarcastic tone struck a nerve, Professor Kim’s expression twisted instantly.
“I’m sorry, but I also have no interest in men who are bundles of inferiority complexes. I appreciate your concern, but I’ll have to decline such advice in the future.”
Professor Kim’s face flushed redder than it could possibly get.
It was a position she had made entirely through her own strength, without connections or background. She had no desire to go along with recklessly spouted words or to smooth things over while building connections. Jian’s thinking was that since it was a position ability had earned, ability would prove it.
A taut tension sliced across the table.
“Oh my, why is everyone acting like this? Isn’t this a pleasant gathering after the semester’s ended? Professor Song, why don’t you step outside for some air?”
Professor Park gave Jian a pointed look. Since her head was already pounding from drinking whatever was given to her, Jian stood up. Everything in this space was suffocating enough that she didn’t want to stay a minute or a second longer.
“I’ll step away to the restroom for a moment.”
Just before the door closed, she heard a voice from behind saying, “The young thing is so cocky….”
And that kind of person is also a professor…. Every word from his mouth is so vulgar that I can’t bear to listen.
Jian walked straight out of the bar door. It was a cold day, cold enough that white breath flickered before her eyes. She found a sparsely populated alley and sat on an outdoor unit, and the delayed rush of alcohol spread throughout her body.
Here, even being recognized for one’s ability becomes a problem.
She had lived her whole life studying and nothing else. She had believed without doubt that this was her path and her future. But the research environment at the domestic university was wretchedly poor, and several professors steeped in authoritarianism desperately tried to drag her down every time. Her chest felt stuffy and tight, as if she were indigested.
Would her stomach feel a little better if she smoked a cigarette?
Suddenly, she felt the urge to surrender her body to pleasure. It seemed that if things like falling beads of sweat, rough breathing, and hot hands swept through her in a storm, the accumulated tension would loosen.
But it was impossible anyway. Dating would only be a hindrance to her career, and one-night stands didn’t suit her nature. In the first place, she couldn’t understand at all how desire could arise for someone she had just met.
“I’m so sick of this.”
The words spilled out with a sigh and scattered into the air. The alley was submerged in silence, as if the noise of the bustling bar were something from another world. Just as she felt that suffocating stillness becoming a comfort, a metallic click sounded.
Jian started and turned her head. Deep in the alley, she saw a tall man lighting a cigarette, imposing enough to feel pressure. The smell of burning oil from the square body of his lighter was carried to her on the wind.
“I thought you’d be surprised, but you’re not very surprised.”
The man spoke in a low voice with a faint smile. Even in the dim light, she could see the man’s high nose bridge, his carelessly unbuttoned shirt, and the red wound at the corner of his lips.
“Who are you?”
Jian frowned, expressing her displeasure toward the man. Expressing fright or fear through aggression was a habit she had acquired during her long time abroad. The man carefully examined her face and then snickered.
“I thought you weren’t surprised…. So you were just pretending not to be?”
Jian was momentarily at a loss for words. His eyes, which seemed to see through everything, had the power to make her tense just by looking at them.
“If you were here, shouldn’t you have made a sound?”
The man held up the lighter in his hand.
“I was trying to. That’s why I was smoking.”
The man’s fingers holding the cigarette moved elegantly a few times, and white smoke poured out from between his lips.
“Do you know me? Why are you speaking casually?”
“You’re speaking casually too.”
“You’re younger than me.”
“Well… you don’t really look it.”
The man inhaled deeply enough for his cheeks to hollow and then exhaled. As a deep sigh escaped from between his lips, there was something so relieving about merely watching it. Jian, forgetting that she had been baring her claws just moments ago, gazed blankly at the sight.
Noticing her gaze, the man took out a cigarette pack from his pocket and held it out.
“Want one?”
“I’ve never smoked.”
“Then try it once. It’s quite helpful when you’re feeling stifled.”
She wondered if she really should. Her life, which had never even tried smoking a single cigarette in jest, felt suddenly suffocating. But the moment she did, a premonition that something would begin between her and this strange man prevented her from readily reaching out her hand.
“No thanks.”
“Well, suit yourself….”
As the man smiled lightly, the white smoke scattered into the air. While she was debating whether to stay a little longer or get up, the man’s gaze fixed on her profile.
“Why are you staring?”
“Because you look really peculiar.”
“What is?”
“Can I say it? It’s probably not something you’d want to hear from a man you just met….”
Whether it was the alcohol, her stifled chest, or perhaps the strange atmosphere the man was creating, her guard was strangely lowering.
“Go ahead, try me.”
“You’re baring your claws at me, which rather stirs a desire to conquer. It’s a face that makes me curious what you’re like inside.”
“What inside?”
The man smirked.
“Both of the things you’re thinking about right now.”
Jian let out a scoff.
“That’s very rude. And cocky….”
“If you’re offended, you do it to me too. I’ll listen to anything.”
Jian raised her head and swept her gaze over the man’s entire body. With his tall height appearing to be over 185 centimeters, his broad shoulders and straight figure, his silhouette alone made it easy to tell that he possessed excellent physical condition. As she pushed her gaze inside his unbuttoned shirt, Jian unconsciously let out a snicker.
So desire can arise from appearance alone. Or is it? Is desire originally born from appearance?
“You smiled, so I guess you like what you see.”
The man’s low voice settled into the narrow alley. Jian leaned her head against the wall, tilted it slightly, and slowly moved her lips.
“Not bad, your body.”
“Then what more do you want?”
“Your face. I can’t see your face well from here.”
The man smiled faintly, extinguished his cigarette, and approached. As his face, hidden in darkness, was revealed clearly before her eyes, Jian unconsciously held her breath.
He appeared to be in his late twenties, with a face where precarious boyishness and languid masculinity coexisted.
The eyes visible between his slightly long bangs seemed indifferent to the world yet hid passion, and his straight nose bridge added depth to an impression that could otherwise seem youthful. Even the red wound at the corner of his lips felt decadently attractive—he was breathtakingly charming.
“Beautiful. If only you didn’t smoke, I’d want to kiss you….”
The corner of the man’s mouth turned slightly upward.
“You smoke too. Then it’s fine.”
“…….”
“You don’t want to?”
She hesitated for a moment, then reached out her hand.
“Give me.”