(4) I Almost Kissed Her.
August 13, 2018.
Living with Juwon wasn't uncomfortable.
Juwon was quick on the uptake, so he knew how to act without rubbing Doyeon the wrong way.
Doyeon worried about that aspect instead.
He didn't have to watch her mood like that.
It weighed on her mind that living while watching someone else's mood seemed to be something familiar to him.
Even though it was only mid-June, the weather was quite hot.
It was the kind of weather that made her wish the rainy season would just start already.
Finishing consultations with a business partner and on her way back to the shop, Doyeon exited the subway station and looked up at the blazing sun.
She could just go back to the shop like this, but she wondered if Juwon had bothered to eat lunch.
If Doyeon didn't look after him, Juwon skipped meals.
Missing one meal wasn't a big deal, but the reason it bothered her was probably because he felt like an abandoned puppy.
If not for that, she had no reason to worry about him.
Doyeon stopped by a hot dog place on the way to the shop and bought a steak hot dog, fries, and a Coke.
The distance from the station to the shop wasn't much, but her back was damp with sweat by the time she walked there.
The air conditioner would be running in the shop, so it would be cool inside.
Leaving the crowded streets of Yeonnam-dong and turning into the alley where Philia was, silence found her.
Walking down the quiet street as if it were a different world, she arrived in front of the shop.
Beneath the sign that read [Philia philia] in white letters on a black background, there was a large window, and beyond the displayed ornaments and accessories inside, Juwon's figure was visible.
Juwon was sitting askew in a chair behind the counter, reading a book.
Every time she saw him, she thought he truly had a splendid appearance.
A flawlessly handsome face, broad shoulders, and even long legs.
If I were an ordinary woman, would I have felt attraction to a man like that?
Even with her right eye that couldn't see color, Juwon's balanced features were clearly visible.
If someone who could see colors looked at him, he would probably look even more handsome.
These days, they said good looks were a skill too.
With those good looks, he should be able to make a living doing anything, so why was he drowning in such blue despair?
Doyeon stopped peeking and opened the shop door.
Ding-a-ling—
As the bell on the door rang, Juwon slowly raised his head.
Even that sight looked like a scene from a movie.
"Welcome back?"
Juwon asked.
In that instant, a small ripple went *thump* in her heart.
It had been truly ages since she'd been greeted with a "welcome back."
When she went home, Rubin would greet her wagging his tail, but Rubin couldn't speak.
The fact that she had desperately wanted that single phrase "welcome back" shocked Doyeon more than anyone.
*'I still long for people, don't I.'*
She had thought she'd more or less swept away such lingering attachments, even if she couldn't completely erase them.
"Yeah, I'm back. Did you watch the shop well?"
"Yeah. Better than Rubin, right?"
Doyeon snickered at Juwon acting smug.
"Yes, good boy. I'll give you something to eat as a reward."
Doyeon held out the bag containing the hot dog.
"Oh, this. It was delicious."
Juwon took the bag happily.
He wore a small smile at the corners of his mouth and truly looked pleased.
Doyeon wondered if she would see the color of joy if she took out the lens in her left eye.
Even when making this expression, would he still be a blue emotion?
She could just take out the lens in her left eye if she was curious, but she couldn't.
She was afraid it might not be blue, might not even be the color of happiness, might be an ominous color she hadn't expected.
Seeing people's emotions was the most frightening thing for Doyeon.
"No customers?"
"Yeah, none. Isn't it a problem to have so few customers even on a weekend?"
"It's fine. Dad……."
"Is rich?"
Juwon finished Doyeon's sentence.
Juwon and Doyeon met eyes and smiled small.
"Yeah, so."
But it had been quite a while since she'd seen that dad.
Dad was uncomfortable around Doyeon.
Doyeon was uncomfortable around Dad too.
So even when living in the same house, they wouldn't meet eyes, avoided encountering each other as much as possible, and eventually, suffocating from it, Doyeon became independent at a young age.
When she said she wanted to move out and live alone, Dad looked immensely relieved.
She had thought she was happy living alone without having to mind others, but seeing how she enjoyed talking back and forth with Juwon, she must have longed for this kind of time. Without even realizing it.
"Then I'll go upstairs and do some work."
"Even though no one buys them?"
"Some do, sometimes. And lately I'm making custom orders."
"Didn't you say you finished those?"
"I finished everything that was due yesterday, and the day before yesterday another order came in. A wedding tiara."
"Ahh, okay. Got it. Good luck."
"Yeah."
Doyeon climbed the stairs heading to the second floor.
Soft classical music was playing inside the shop.
Entering the second-floor workshop and closing the door blocked out the music flowing from the shop.
Doyeon entered the quiet workshop, took a deep breath, and looked around.
Inside the workshop were various tools needed for silvercraft.
Sitting in front of the work table, Doyeon picked up a pencil and started drawing designs.
+++
Juwon took out the hot dog, Coke, and fries from the bag.
Peeling off the hot dog wrapper, a hot dog filled with thinly sliced beef came out.
That he felt hunger seeing delicious food even in these circumstances was both amazing and amusing.
*'This… it's what I ate before. I enjoyed it.'*
Did Doyeon notice that and buy this again?
There was nothing uncomfortable about living with Doyeon.
Doyeon provided what Juwon needed without difficulty.
Every time Juwon felt sorry, Doyeon would say habitually:
"—My dad has a lot of money."
Normally, people who bragged about money were annoying, but the reason Doyeon's words weren't unpleasant was that she didn't seem to be bragging.
Rather, she spoke lonesomely, as if resigned.
The loneliness that occasionally flashed across her face weighed on his mind.
He wanted to erase that loneliness.
"—Someone like you?"
Each time, a voice mixed with self-loathing grabbed Juwon by the ankle.
"—You want to erase that loneliness? Do you have the right? Someone who couldn't do anything. Someone who killed me."
That voice similar to Juwon's but a tone higher was probably his older sister's voice.
"—After taking everything from me. After enjoying what I couldn't enjoy. What can you possibly do?"
Sharp criticism pierced his heart, and Juwon could do nothing.
Even eating the steak hot dog he had enjoyed felt like a sin.
But because Doyeon had bought it for him, he forced it into his mouth.
After cleanly eating the hot dog, fries, and even the Coke and throwing away the trash, he grabbed a duster and cleaned inside the shop.
*'Still, there really are no customers. No matter how rich her dad is, is it okay to have so few customers like this?'*
While cleaning, he found a business card inside a drawer.
It was a business card received from a man who came by a few days ago.
*'Ah, right. I was supposed to give this to her. I forgot.'*
Juwon took the business card received from Prosecutor Jeong Siu and went up to the second floor.
Knock, knock—
He knocked on the door but there was no answer.
When Doyeon focused on work, she couldn't hear sounds around her well.
Juwon quietly opened the workshop door.
The sight of Doyeon sitting at the work table came into view.
Her hair was roughly twisted up and secured with a pen, and a few strands that hadn't been fixed flowed down her long nape.
The black hair adorning her white nape looked erotic.
The shoulders continuing below her neck were thin and frail.
An oversized white t-shirt wrapped around her slender body.
Juwon had always lived without ease. Having lived without ease in both body and mind, he had never cared for others.
Therefore, he couldn't understand why he wanted to hug that frail body every time he saw it.
+++
Music flows.
This music flowing sorrowfully is Brahms' Symphony No. 3, 3rd Movement.
Doyeon stopped the pencil that was drawing.
When she turned around, Juwon was leaning against the door.
"When did you come?"
"Just now."
"You surprised me."
"Then make a surprised face."
At those words, she widened her eyes and pretended to open her mouth in surprise, and Juwon snickered.
An autumn-breeze-like smile went well with the Brahms piece currently playing.
A lonely smile.
"A customer came?"
Doyeon asked, massaging her nape with her hand.
Having drawn in one position for a long time, her neck and shoulders were stiff.
"No, not that. Does your shoulder hurt?"
"Yeah. An occupational hazard. My sitting posture isn't right."
"Do you stretch while working?"
"No. When I focus on work, I don't even have the mind for that."
Juwon approached closely.
"Want me to massage it? I'm good at massages."
"Would you?"
"Turn around."
Doyeon turned her chair back toward the table.
She felt Juwon come up and stand behind her.
A cold hand touched the back of her neck.
"Why are your hands so cold?"
"I guess I turned the AC up too high."
"Turn it down a bit."
"Isn't cranking up the AC and covering yourself with a blanket the truth of summer?"
"That's true."
Doyeon's body temperature was conveyed to Juwon, and the cold feeling subsided.
Juwon started kneading the back of Doyeon's neck with his thumb and index finger.
It had been an extremely long time since someone's hands had touched her body.
At first she didn't think much of it, but as the touching time grew longer, she felt a strange mood.
His palm touching the back of her neck, his fingers pressing firmly where neck and head meet, his skin touching her skin completely.
Thinking that far, her mouth went dry.
*'I'm just getting a massage.'*
Why am I suddenly so nervous?
*'This kid is just earning his keep.'*
Why is my heart suddenly beating at a different speed than usual?
Thump— thump— thump—
As he said, Juwon was good at massaging.
He only picked the painful spots and pressed them firmly and refreshingly.
Juwon's hands, which had stayed only at her nape, moved toward her shoulders.
At his touch between both shoulders and shoulder blades, Doyeon became unable to breathe.
She didn't even realize she was holding her breath.
Thump— thump— thump—
The sound of her pounding heart was loud.
Could Juwon hear this sound too?
He shouldn't get the wrong idea. It was just that it had been so long since someone else's hands touched her, so she was nervous.
Doyeon gripped the pencil tightly.
*'I have to say something. If I don't.'*
She might get swept up in this strange atmosphere.
"You're really good at massaging. Were you a masseur?"
She barely managed to think of something to say.
As her voice came out, the strange atmosphere broke instantly.
"Well. Maybe I was?"
"Don't you want to talk about yourself?"
"Not really. I don't have anything to talk about. What about you, noona? Don't you have anything to say?"
"Me neither."
Actually, there was a lot.
But she knew all those many stories would only sound like the ravings of a "crazy person" to others.
"Ah, right. Noona."
"Yeah?"
Without thinking, Doyeon tilted her head back.
Her eyes met exactly with Juwon, who was standing behind looking down.
Juwon's face, bent over while massaging, was closer than she'd thought.
His lips were right in front of Doyeon's eyes.
Seen up close, his lips were moist and dark.
To Doyeon's right eye, which could only see the colors black, white, and gray in the world, Juwon's red lips looked black.
It felt as if time had stopped for a moment.
When Juwon straightened his bent waist, his face moved away. Only then could Doyeon breathe.
"This."
Juwon's hand fell away from her shoulder.
She felt regret, and feeling such regret was perplexing.
"Someone came by a few days ago. A prosecutor, he said."
"A prosecutor?"
Doyeon took the business card Juwon held out.
On the business card was written Prosecutor Jeong Siu.
"He brought an earring and asked if it was made here. I said the owner wasn't here, so he gave me this and left. I forgot to give it to you."
"Really? Got it. Thanks for the massage. It really feels good."
"Yeah, then I'll go down."
Juwon turned around and left the workshop.
As the door closed, the music cut off again.
In the quiet workshop, Doyeon exhaled deeply while holding the business card.
Her heart was still pounding, pounding fiercely.
+++
Having closed the workshop door, Juwon stood vacantly in the second-floor hallway, then covered his mouth with one hand.
*'Wow. That surprised me.'*
His heart was beating heavily, thump, thump.
He thought that perhaps Doyeon might have heard this sound.
Thump, thump, thump.
Doyeon's lips that had been right before his eyes came vividly to mind.
Thick, red, moist-looking lips. Lips that seemed like they would taste sweet if lightly bitten.
Juwon swallowed.
*'I almost kissed her.'*
A kiss.
Surprised at his own thought, he clenched his fist tight.
*'As a fugitive. As someone who threw everything away and ran.'*
Juwon bit his lower lip hard.
The sweet pinkish feeling he felt just now.
The moment he left the workshop, the moment he closed the door so her figure was no longer visible, guilt came rushing in.
*'I don't have the right.'*
Clenching his fist, Juwon came down the stairs.
*'I don't have any right to be happy.'*
+++
Juwon caught a cold.
It was because he had kept the shop's air conditioner blasting.
His whole body shivered with chills and his throat was scratchy.
Embarrassed that he'd caught a cold from his own mistake, he didn't want to tell Doyeon.
He was already causing Doyeon enough trouble.
Washing the dishes after dinner was Juwon's job. As he was straightening his heavy body to clear the finished plates, Doyeon grabbed his wrist.
Juwon turned to Doyeon as if asking why.
Doyeon's black eyes were quietly staring at him.
Looking closely into Doyeon's pupils felt strange.
"Are you sick?"
Doyeon asked.
"No, I'm fine."
Juwon tried to pull his hand away, but Doyeon's hand gained strength.
"You are sick. Your body is hot."
"I'm not sick."
Doyeon reached her hand toward Juwon's face.
After touching Juwon's forehead, Doyeon slightly furrowed her brows.
"You have a fever. Why are you being stubborn about something like this?"
"Because I'm really fine."
Being nursed when sick, causing worry. He hated such things because they were awkward.
*I don't deserve such kindness.*
"Forget the dishes. Go to your room and lie down."
"But this is my job."
"It's an order as the homeowner. Isn't it natural to follow my orders in my house?"
At Doyeon's firm words, Juwon smiled helplessly.
"You make a fair point."
Since Doyeon was going this far, he couldn't keep being stubborn.
Juwon took off the rubber gloves and went to his room.
The moment he lay on the bed, the heavy pain he had been barely holding back crushed him.
"Ugh…."
Groaning, Juwon pulled the blanket up. Even that small movement was difficult.
It seemed like a bad cold with body aches.
Knock, knock—
A knocking sound.
"I'm coming in."
Click—
Doyeon opened the door and came in.
Doyeon approached the bedside and looked down at Juwon worriedly.
Was it because of the fever?
Doyeon's face looked exceptionally beautiful.
He had thought she was a pretty person from the first time he saw her.
White skin and large round eyes, a small pert nose and red lips. A face like a pretty doll that children would love.
The reason his heart was pounding because that face was so exceptionally beautiful was.
Yes, because he had a fever.
His brain was losing its proper function from the high fever, and his autonomic nervous system was malfunctioning, making his heart pound so heavily like this.
#dark