The year my mother became pregnant with me, my father met a prostitute.
She used schemes and bedroom arts to bewitch my father so thoroughly that he couldn't find his way home.
The two of them carried on in a Daoist temple for a month.
My father had gone to the Daoist temple intending to cultivate the Dao. At that time, his only desire was to cultivate the Dao.
After marrying my mother and fulfilling his duty of continuing the family line, he ran off to the Daoist temple to escape the world.
As soon as he arrived at the temple, he encountered Concubine Xue, a woman who combined the elegance of a lady with the allure of a seductress.
That's right—that prostitute was pregnant the very next month and became my father's concubine.
None of us in the Lin family knew what her courtesan name was; we only knew her surname was Xue.
At first, how could my father have known Concubine Xue was a prostitute? He thought she was a young lady from a wealthy family. It was just that when she looked at people, her eyes seemed to have hooks in them.
Unlike my mother, who was a decent woman and didn't even know how to act spoiled, my father was honest and old-fashioned. He was instantly subdued by Concubine Xue's methods, actually saying such foolish words as, "I've wasted the past twenty years. Only now do I know the pleasures of being a man."
These words were told to me by Xing'er.
Xing'er was Uncle Zhao's son, and Uncle Zhao was my father's attendant.
Uncle Zhao knew the events of that year most clearly, but he was tight-lipped. My mother had people whip him with an ox-hide whip, and he still wouldn't talk.
However, in private, he secretly told Auntie Zhao, and Xing'er accidentally overheard.
Thirteen years passed in a flash.
Born a prostitute, Concubine Xue couldn't enter through the main gates of the Lin family, so my father settled her in a small residence west of the Lin manor.
Her daughter, Lin Se, was already twelve years old.
My mother had finally tacitly acknowledged their status and even allowed Lin Se to come and go freely within the Lin manor from then on.
The day Lin Se came over, I rose early and kept asking the maidservant if she had arrived yet. I itched to go wait at the front gates!
But my mother said I had to wait in my room for Lin Se to come pay her respects to me.
Lin Se first went to see my father, then my mother, and paid respects to the ancestors before finally coming over.
I waited until my eyes nearly wore through.
She finally arrived. After one look at her, I understood why my father had been so enchanted by Concubine Xue back then. Lin Se was not only beautiful as a painting, but her bearing was also elegant and graceful.
I carefully examined her eyes.
Perhaps it was my imagination, but I truly felt that the way Lin Se looked at people carried more charm than that of ordinary people.
People often speak of eyes that hold affection, of words left unspoken—this was approximately that.
At first, when she came to play with me, I was quite happy. Gradually, however, I stopped seeing her so much, because she always wanted to compete with me.
Concubine Xue was a woman of exceedingly high ambition. She had read the Four Books and Five Classics and was versed in the zither, chess, calligraphy, and painting, all of which she taught to Lin Se. Lin Se herself was hardworking and ambitious, earning my father's great regard.
My mother said nothing on the surface, but secretly she constantly urged me to be more diligent. When pressed too hard, I asked her if it was because of Lin Se.
My mother said, "You are the legitimate eldest daughter of the Lin family. No matter what, you cannot be outdone by her."
I said, "If we're speaking of comparison, it's her comparing herself to me, not me comparing myself to her. I am the legitimate daughter; she is concubine-born. She rises before the fourth watch every day to recite classics and do embroidery, working terribly hard just to achieve a little and compare herself to me, whereas I have no intention of comparing myself to her. Just based on this point, I am already in an invincible position. If a person's fate is good, no matter how hard others work, it's useless. Just like you, Mother—Father runs back and forth between both households. Concubine Xue is seductive and uses base methods, but what good has it done her? She only has Lin Se. But you, Mother, have had two children in three years, a son and a daughter, for others to envy with red eyes! So you needn't worry yourself over this."
Actually, I just wanted to slack off.
My mother was upright and old-fashioned, lofty and dignified. If I had directly said I was too lazy to put in that effort, she would certainly have been angry. But if I said, "I have no need to compete with Lin Se," then from then on, the more outstanding Lin Se appeared, the more my mother would feel she was scurrying about trying too hard.
However, the servants still secretly compared both sides. Even Uncle Zhao had been won over by Concubine Xue.
Imitating his father's tone, Xing'er said, "We have Concubine Xue to thank for this. Otherwise, the master would still be cultivating the Dao at the temple, leaving the mistress to guard a lifetime of living widowhood. How comfortable could life be then?"
I was on the swing. I turned my head and glared at him. "Say that to me if you like. If my mother heard you, she'd skin you alive!"
"Naturally," Xing'er said, giving me another hard push.
The swing soared high, and I could see the kapok flowers blooming outside the walls.
"Higher!" I said happily.
Xing'er gave me a heavy push and said, panting, "The day before yesterday, I went to the western courtyard and heard the Second Miss asking a little maidservant about you. I hid behind a tree and heard that maidservant say that the Eldest Miss spends her days feeding goldfish, swinging on the swing, and reading idle books, and at night, she does a few stitches of embroidery before getting sleepy."
"The Second Miss asked the maidservant, 'What books does the Eldest Miss read?'"
As soon as I heard this, I thought, *This is bad.* Before the day was out, my father would come burn my books. Xing'er had gone through great trouble to get them from outside.
I got off the swing and ran toward the study.
An elderly servant woman came toward me and blocked my way. "Eldest Miss, the master and mistress are calling you to the front hall quickly. There is an urgent matter to discuss."
"What urgent matter?"
"I heard it's that the palace is selecting consorts for the new emperor."
The maternal relatives of the previous dynasty had meddled excessively in state affairs, so in the Great Ying Dynasty, to avoid being constrained by maternal relatives, the emperors selected all their consorts from common families.
In the year of the selection, any girl who had reached the age of thirteen had to participate in the consort selection.
And I had just turned thirteen.
I walked to the sitting room, burdened with thoughts, and immediately spotted a beautiful woman.
After clearly seeing her appearance, my heart sank with a thud. Why had Concubine Xue come here?
This was the first time I had ever seen her.
She walked toward me with lotus-like steps, performed a grand bow, and said in a gentle voice, "This servant pays her respects to the Eldest Miss."
I was already preoccupied, so for a moment I was stunned.
Then my mother said, "Juanyun, ask Concubine Xue to sit."
I sat beside Mother before I noticed Lin Se was also there.
Once everyone was seated, my father said, "The palace eunuchs handling the consort selection have already arrived in our county. The day after tomorrow, all households with daughters of suitable age must go to the county yamen to participate in the preliminary selection. Juanyun, you have reached the age. By all rights, you must attend the selection, but your mother is unwilling to part with you. When Concubine Xue heard of this, she was willing to let Sese take your place. Sese is twelve, one year shy of the age, but outsiders don't know this. If Sese goes, we'll say she is thirteen, the elder sister, and you, Juanyun, are the younger sister. Juanyun, tell us your thoughts."
No wonder my mother was willing to let Concubine Xue enter the Lin manor. It turned out she owed her a favor.
I said, "Which mother could bear to send her own daughter to the imperial selection? Concubine Xue certainly cannot bear it either. Sese and I are sisters; either of us can go. But Sese is a concubine-born daughter in our family. Many families place great importance on such distinctions and pay no heed to how wonderful our Sese is. Rather than let some lesser household pick and choose her in the future, it would be better for her to enter the palace and become a consort or even empress. With Sese's attributes, she will surely bring glory to our Lin family. I am rather dull; if I went, I would only be rejected after all that hardship. We might as well follow Father's wishes and let Sese go!"
Half a month later, Lin Se was sent back.
Xing'er came running, his face deathly pale, stammering, "Good heavens! Scared... scared me to death. She... she doesn't even look human anymore!"
"Making a fuss over nothing again. What is it now?"
Xing'er grabbed my arm, and I could feel him trembling. "The Second Miss has returned... She's at the western courtyard... Stopped at the gate. Many people have gone to look. The mistress... has gone too."
"Lin Se has returned?" I put down my book, thinking she had probably been rejected.
Xing'er's eyes were fixed on me blankly, filled with terror. Only after a moment did he nod and say, trembling, "She... she's returned..."