I hesitated for a moment over how to answer U Jaemin, then poured out the truth without trying to hide it.
"……Actually, my mother…… didn't die of cancer."
"What? Then why, all of a sudden……"
"She committed suicide. She jumped from the seventh floor of the apartment."
"……."
"You said Jiheon jumped from the seventh floor too, right? These days, every night, I open the living room window and look outside while thinking about my mother…… and maybe because it's the same seventh floor, I keep thinking of Jiheon."
"……."
The moment I spat out that burdensome truth, I could sense U Jaemin's bewilderment. Regardless, I kept talking without pause. The elevator arrived and the doors opened before I knew it, but U Jaemin looked frozen, with no intention of moving.
"……If I get the deposit back from my current apartment…… I'm thinking of going far away…… but I can't just leave because of Jiheon…… that's why I changed my mind. His mother offered an amount excessive for a caregiver's salary…… and I need money to pay off my debts. Well, killing two birds with one stone. Aren't you getting on?"
When I urged the stunned U Jaemin, he finally boarded the elevator. An uncomfortable silence followed, but I didn't bother to open my mouth. Seeing him flustered after coming to someone who had just lost his mother to stubbornly ask him to meet his own cousin, I felt amused. It wasn't that U Jaemin was a bad person. Life was inherently personal and selfish, after all.
"S-sorry…… I didn't know……"
"Don't worry about it."
"But you…… far away, where are you going? Why did you quit your company?"
"Just……. All this time, I've worked nonstop to pay off my debts, without a moment to breathe. …….I want to rest for a while."
When I said that and stepped briskly off the elevator, the blankly frozen U Jaemin belatedly followed. I stood in the hallway for a moment and looked around the hospital interior. Compared to the chaotic first-floor lobby crowded with waiting patients and visitors, the twenty-second floor was serene and refined, as if we'd entered a luxury resort. Though I'd come in and out of hospitals countless times with my mother during her long illness, this kind of space inside a hospital was new to me.
Following U Jaemin, who walked silently ahead of me, I looked around and asked him just before we reached the hospital room.
"What do you think? Why did Jiheon do it?"
"……."
"I think I need to know the cause so I can keep the conversation from drifting that way."
"……."
"Money shouldn't be a problem…… Is it a relationship issue? I feel weird saying this, but Jiheon was always…… the type to stake his life on romance."
When we briskly arrived in front of the hospital room labeled with "[U Jiheon]," loud music was blaring from inside. Before opening the door, U Jaemin hesitated for a moment, then continued speaking without turning around.
"Jiheon…… has never dated anyone."
"……What?"
"After it ended with you, he hasn't met anyone."
I hadn't yet figured out how to interpret his words when the hospital room door opened. At the same time, maddening music battered my eardrums. My face scrunched up instinctively at a volume no one with common sense would play in a hospital. Anyway, he was a guy lacking common sense. I could excuse it when he was young, but……. Thinking that far, I quickly walked over to the laptop and turned off the speaker. The moment the blaring music cut off, a savage remark flew from U Jiheon, who had his eyes closed.
"Ah, fuck. Who turned off the music? Turn it back on right now."
Only then did I remember that U Jiheon's memory had stopped at eighteen. The way he spewed curses was so familiar it was almost a relief.
But contrary to that familiar voice, the sight of U Jiheon—with a cast on one leg and one arm, and an IV hooked up to his one remaining decent arm—was devastatingly miserable. He looked no different from a living corpse, and I suffered a slight mental shock. It was doubtful whether he could make a full recovery even with time. Yet despite all that, his face was white as jade, creating a sense of disconnection.
With my brow deeply furrowed, I silently watched his plump, red lips spewing curses. Honestly…… I was glad to see him. Before U Jiheon confessed to me, we'd had a pretty good relationship. The brat who'd rampaged around like a mad dog, fearless of the world, had been uncharacteristically obedient only to me, so we couldn't have had a bad relationship. Looking at U Jiheon for the first time in a while, I couldn't help but feel nostalgia for the past.
"Jiheon, open your eyes."
"Is that you, Jae-min hyung? I told you, I need to listen to music at least to stabilize my mind right now. No, never mind. Forget the music—hyung, go ask them to give me more painkillers. My whole body is throbbing like I'm going to die."
"Someone's here right—"
"If not painkillers, then fuck, ask for sleeping pills. My kneecap is aching so much I could die, so why the hell is it raining. Fuck, are they trying to kill me? When the hell does the rainy season end?"
U Jaemin and U Jiheon couldn't hold a proper conversation at all. His tendency to only say what he wanted to say was still unchanged. No wonder the caregivers couldn't last and quit. Of course, it was natural to be irritable when your body hurt……. How did a guy who feared nothing in this world end up attempting suicide? Unable to listen any longer, I finally opened my mouth.
"……Long time no see, U Jiheon."
When I spoke as composed as possible, U Jiheon's furrowed brow finally smoothed and his eyes slowly opened. His densely set eyelashes lifted, and soon his dark pupils were exposed. Eventually, his large eyes, having found me, shook aimlessly.
"……Teacher?"
His faintly cracked voice made me tense up without realizing it. A brief, silent stillness flowed into the hospital room. But the silence didn't last long. U Jiheon tried to raise his body hastily, then groaned as he strained the neck brace he was wearing.
Feeling sorry for him, I approached. He rolled his eyes around to check my appearance, and a flower-like smile spread across his face. My heart wavered for a moment at his warm welcome, but then crude words burst from U Jiheon's mouth.
"Ah, fuck. Why are you so late. I thought my neck would break waiting for you, Teacher."
"……."
"My neck's barely hanging on as it is; if it snaps, are you going to take responsibility, Teacher?"
"……How do you still have the same mouth on you even after growing up."
"Wow—fuck, why am I so glad to see you? It feels like I'm seeing someone after ten years. ……Don't tell me you dumped me as soon as I got into college, Teacher? We said we'd keep seeing each other."
"……First, try to calm down. Sleeping pills? You said you needed sleeping pills earlier. Should I ask for a prescription?"
"It's fine now—what do I need sleeping pills for when Teacher's here? Don't even think about going anywhere; sit right there in the guardian chair. I'm bored, so let's shoot the breeze."
Truly, U Jiheon hadn't changed one bit. From the way he acted so familiarly, as if we'd parted yesterday and met again today, I couldn't feel any of the awkwardness brought by the long eight-year gap. Well, to him, who had no memories of his twenties, this entire situation would probably feel like an extension of the days when we met twice a week to study together.
"……Then catch up for the first time in a while. I should get to the office for work. If you need anything, contact me right away."
As soon as U Jaemin disappeared as if tossing aside a burden and fleeing, only he and I remained in the hospital room.
U Jiheon's caregivers—three of them had quit in a single month, and currently U Jaemin had taken leave to look after him. I couldn't tell just how much of a fuss he'd kicked up for them all to quit of their own accord.
Anyway, the period I'd promised U Jiheon's mother to look after him in place of a caregiver was one month. I'd thought the hospital stay was quite long, but after seeing his condition with my own eyes, a month seemed insufficient. That was how much of a mess U Jiheon's physical state was.
"Jae-min hyung looked completely haggard, but why do you look exactly the same, Teacher? You got even more handsome? Let me think…… I'm twenty-seven, so Teacher must be…… thirty-one? Why did you get so old. What happened to your youth."
"……You, did you think you'd stay the same? You're going to be thirty soon too; we're both getting old together, so what's your point."
It was absurd for him to talk as if youth were all gone at the mere age of thirty-one. Eight years ago, he was a minor and I was a college student, so the gap had felt large, but after entering society, the four-year difference wasn't as big as I'd thought. It wasn't enough to be friends, but it was also funny to be respectfully called "Teacher" now.
I shot back a reproachful remark and began organizing my things in the cabinet, but U Jiheon was strangely quiet. Wondering why the guy who always fired back a hundred words for every one was silent, I turned around to find his face frozen stiff, as if he'd received quite a shock.
"What's wrong?"
"……Teacher, did I…… get old? Did I become haggard? Mirror, give me that mirror."