EP.59 Wise Living
After gathering all the trainees into the classroom, I clapped my hands and started the lesson.
"Alright, let's begin class for the first time in a while. But before that."
Today as well, the vampire's coffin floated in place of a chair. Naturally, Finlay stood at attention beside it with his hands folded.
I pointed at Finlay with an annoyed expression.
"Trainee Tirkanjaka. Can you do something about him standing there?"
At my question, Finlay flared up.
"Ahem! A noble Progenitor must always be accompanied by a servant to handle menial tasks. I shall quietly fulfill my duty, so you simply fulfill yours! If we both fulfill our duties, there will be no problem!"
This guy who butts in every single day going "Ahem!" is saying that? No matter how I think about it, it seems like he's intent on doing his best to disrupt the class.
As I stared at him with cold eyes, the vampire scolded Finlay.
"Desist, Finlay."
Finlay, who had been shouting, immediately dropped to one knee as if he had never done otherwise. It was a completely contrasting attitude from how he treated me. Of course, there was intent behind that attitude as well.
By treating me and the vampire differently, he was elevating the vampire's status. That way, the vampire would become more lenient.
Anyway, after silencing Finlay in one stroke, the vampire spoke to me.
"Try to understand. He seems curious about the lesson content as well."
"Understand? What are you talking about? Can anyone just barge in whenever they're curious and hog the place?"
I loudly set down the chalk and glared at Finlay.
"Finlay. This class was prepared exclusively for the trainees, alright? Would outsiders please leave?"
"I am the Progenitor's attendant, a single drop of blood left by the Progenitor! When the Progenitor requires it, I have the duty to offer my own blood to exalt Him!"
"I am the academy's instructor. That means I am the manager here. If you don't listen to me—"
"And if I don't?"
I swept all the papers off the lectern with both arms. I flopped down on the suddenly cleared surface.
Flustered by my aggressive action, the vampire scolded me.
"What are you doing? With everyone gathered here."
"There's someone here I didn't call."
I rested my chin in both hands and leisurely whistled.
"I'm not doing the class. I won't touch anything from now on. You two vampires can play together all you want."
Then I whipped my body toward the blackboard. It was essentially a declaration of boycott.
When the class she had been looking forward to was in danger of being boycotted, the anxious vampire spoke up.
"Are you pouting like a grown child?"
"I'm not pouting."
"You most certainly are pouting. Why are you being so childish?"
"Ah, fine. I'm actually pouting. And after hearing that just now, I'm pouting twice as much. I'm not doing anything from now on—not classes, not massages."
With both the class and the massages taken hostage, the anxious one was the vampire. Her body heated up, and she was now speaking while half-descended from her coffin.
"What is it that displeases you so that you are being this stubborn?"
"When you ask someone who's pouting if they're pouting, they pout even more. And seriously, do you think I teach classes because I enjoy it? I spend time and effort putting them together, and every time I say a word, someone butts in—it completely kills my motivation? Well, maybe the great Progenitor needs a trumpeter to shout on Her behalf, but still."
If she wasn't a fool, she would catch my meaning. The vampire might be old, but she was no fool.
A subordinate who came all the way to the Abyss, or an instructor who provides various amusements. Which one to choose?
True to her nature as a vampire with a stopped heart, the choice was swift and cold.
The vampire gestured toward Finlay. Finlay pressed his lips tightly together and answered the summons.
"Wait outside. Do not come in until I call for you."
"...As you command."
Finlay, as her subordinate, obeyed the vampire's command without a single moment of hesitation. He also made sure to glare at me once on his way out.
His rebellious attitude suggested he had no intention of quietly backing down. You're planning to eavesdrop, aren't you?
Haha. Not a chance.
"Since you're leaving anyway, go all the way out to the courtyard. Don't eavesdrop."
"You—"
"Do as she says. I, too, would prefer that you do not stoop to eavesdropping. Such behavior is the act of a squalid informant."
The vampire directed her words at Finlay, but the regressor sitting over there flinched as if pricked by a needle. When I looked at her, she slightly averted her gaze.
At least she has some self-awareness. That's a relief. Her conscience hasn't completely worn away.
"...As you command."
The Progenitor's word was absolute. It could be disobeyed, but there was no point. If she was a vampire, she would be able to precisely sense Finlay's blood even from one end of the Abyss.
Finlay bowed his head, closed the door, and left. Once he was sufficiently far away, the vampire spoke in a much softer tone.
"Was I not apologizing? Finlay simply cared for me too deeply. Now that I have sent him away, tell us what you prepared today."
"It's not a story, it's a class. I put a lot of thought and effort into creating this class, and you just brush it off as some interesting tale."
"Very well. Conduct the class. I wish to study for the first time in a while."
The vampire was doing her best to coax me, worried I might pout even more.
Of course, the electric massages and the stories I tell during class were more important to the vampire than to me, but whatever. Humans are世俗 beings by nature. If you worry about such things, you can't be a mind reader.
"Phew. Fine. They say if you coldly turn away a late-life learner, a ghost of someone who never got to learn will haunt you, so I'll let it slide. Or wait, is it already attached?"
"What did you say?"
"Alright. Let's begin today's class."
With Finlay gone, there was nothing in my way now. I jumped up from the lectern and stepped forward.
Before the vampire fully grasped what I had said, I slammed the lectern and shouted.
"As a result of observing you all during the past sessions, despite all your eccentricities, you have not shown any particular deficiency in your language abilities or capacity for empathy..."
I paused for a beat before continuing.
"Which is truly unexpected!"
'What kind of bullshit is he trying to spout now?'
A discourteous thought echoed from within the regressor's mind. My, my.
"However, there is something crucial missing from all of you. Something very precious that any ordinary human would possess. It is because of that one thing that you fail to adapt to the world and keep stumbling. Do you know what it is?"
The vampire tilted her parasol slightly. It was a sign that she wished to answer.
I liked her proactive attitude toward the class. I immediately pointed at the vampire.
"Yes, Trainee Tirkanjaka!"
"Could it be that we lack common sense of the current era?"
It was a more valid point than I had expected. Having no rebuttal, I stroked my chin and nodded.
"Well, that's not entirely wrong either."
"Therefore, you simply need to teach us more. Classes have been held too sparsely as of late; as an instructor, are you not being too lazy? If you truly care for us, arrange such occasions more often."
"But common sense differs from country to country, era to era, and generation to generation, so how can you arrogantly define the absence of common sense? Unfortunately, that is not the answer I was looking for!"
Phew. Good thing she was quick to respond. I almost ended up having to increase class time.
Having pre-emptively blocked any signs of additional labor, I spoke again.
"What you all lack is precisely an ordinary sense of crisis!"
The regressor, sitting with her delinquent posture as always today, furrowed her brow and asked back.
"An ordinary, sense of crisis?"
"Precisely. A sense of crisis—the part that judges whether danger is approaching you and remains on guard. When it comes to that part, either one of your screws is loose, or it's over-tightened to the point of brain damage. It's one or the other."
Two people who couldn't realize it even after hearing the explanation. Whether they truly didn't know, or simply didn't think about it.
Having no choice, rather than letting them figure it out on their own, I pointed it out one by one.
"For your reference, the one with it over-tightened is Trainee Shea, and the one with it so loose that the part has flown away entirely is Trainee Tirkanjaka."
"What?"
"Nonsense!"
An outcry erupted simultaneously. Yes, I expected this. The foolish never look back at themselves.
If so, I'll show them the evidence.
"Now then, for the sake of those who still lack self-objectification, let us do a simulation."
I took out something I had prepared in advance from under the lectern. It was a hastily crafted marionette doll made from golem debris I had picked up in the management room.
Back when I worked as a magician, I once put on puppet shows to gather children. After finishing a short puppet show and holding out my hat, cheap coins would drop from the parents of the children who had returned from visiting somewhere in the meantime.
It was time to put that experience to use. Lifting the marionette with thin strings attached to a wooden crossbar, I spoke.
"I pondered deeply. Why do you lack an ordinary sense of crisis? After much deliberation, I identified your problem, and to inform you of it, I have prepared a situation."
I moved my fingers to manipulate the marionette. The roughly one-third my height marionette moved according to my hand gestures.
I had it scratch its head with its left hand, swing its legs in a dance, and perform all sorts of motions. After getting sufficiently accustomed to it, I stopped the marionette for a moment and spoke.
"This puppet mister I brought, let's call him Mr. Puppet for short, will set the situations. You just need to respond appropriately to the given situation."
"We're not children..."
"Please don't make me do a class meant for little kids. Now, let me demonstrate! Azi!"
"Woof!"
When I called, Azi immediately stood up and came toward me.
Not that Azi hadn't been showing great interest in my marionette from earlier. As I shook Mr. Puppet this way and that, Azi's gaze followed accordingly.
"Alright, now this golem will talk to you. Then you just need to give an appropriate answer within the limits of socially acceptable behavior. Got it?"
"Woof?"
"Yes. Even that kind of answer is enough. Then, begin!"
Mr. Puppet waved its right hand. Azi's head swayed left and right in response. When a hand reached out, a hand reached back.
Having drawn Azi's interest, I spoke using ventriloquism.
"Hello there, little one?"
"Woof! Hello!"
Azi returning the greeting. Just this alone accounted for a full 50% of Abyss etiquette.
I smiled at Azi and spoke.
"Would you like me to teach you something fun?"