EP.169 Fake News!
A bombshell declaration.
Knowing neither heaven nor earth, with even the Captain herself unaware, and even I hadn't known until 10 seconds ago—upon hearing this fake news, the Captain's mind went completely blank, unable to utter a single word. Her mouth gaped open, her shoulders jerked, and she trembled at the shocking news she herself didn't even know about.
Taking advantage of that brief moment of the Captain's panic, I fabricated a story.
"It was in the harshest forced labor camp where my lifespan was being shaved away that I had my fateful encounter with Ppi, paradoxically enough. Wow, I'd heard forced labor was tough, but I seriously almost died a few times. And you know what? Even while exhausted and worn out, she kept calling me 'Oppa' so diligently. Neru, you might not know this, but men are absolute suckers for the word 'Oppa.'"
"I know that well enough, honey."
"The nickname 'honey' seems a bit dated. Well, you know it too, so I suppose you're doing it on purpose."
"What?"
Leaving Neru, who was glaring with both eyes blazing even amid all this, I placed my hand on the shoulder of the Captain, who sat rigidly above me.
The Captain, who had been sitting straight with her fists resting on her knees, flinched at that touch.
"Anyway, with things being like that... I suppose you could say it just kind of ended up that way."
Even I think I really just threw that together haphazardly.
My eyes met the Captain's, who was stiff with shock. Her eyes, widened to their fullest, looked like they might brim with tears at any moment.
'Denied! This is the result of threats! Just how long do you intend to milk this!'
Even so, the Captain couldn't swiftly respond to my fake news. Before trying to say anything, she had to judge whether those words would qualify as classified information that could reveal her identity.
The truth is singular, but lies and instigation and fabrication are infinite. All I need to do is choose the sweetest among those infinite lies.
Instigation and fabrication take but a moment, but correcting them always takes a long time.
"After finishing the forced labor and returning to Amitengrad together, we grew close rapidly starting from when we encountered bandits."
Neru scowled deeply at the romance story that had cloddishly inserted itself.
'What? What kind of nonsense is this now? Weren't we about to talk about the Military Nation's taboo?'
Yeah. Isn't it strange?
As an information broker, you'd realize it, Neru. Just how preposterous this story is.
For now, play along. Let's embarrass the Captain and send her off so we can continue the story.
'...But it's great material for an article! A scandal between a magician and an officer could be sold to the Secret Members!'
No, seriously, don't try to actually investigate. We were just talking about the Military Nation's taboo. Is it an occupational disease?
Anyway, Secret Members? What's that again? Why is this article being sold?
Ugh, whatever. Send the Captain off first and explain. If the Captain, who won't tolerate denial, stays, it'll be hard to progress the story further.
"We lived in the same house, slept in my bed, went shopping together, and even did forced labor together."
"If you even did forced labor together, there's no room for excuses. You're definitely dating."
Neru nodded. At words she was hearing for the first time in her life, the Captain's eyes went round.
'?! I was dating without even knowing it myself...?!'
What am I supposed to do if even you get confused? Others might not know, but you should at least recognize it's fake news.
Meanwhile, Neru, afflicted with occupational disease, pretended to write with a straw and asked.
"Seriously dating the Captain... could this be the information you wanted to tell me?"
"Yeah. Good news should be spread far and wide."
"Right. You probably need wedding guests."
"What would wedding guests even do? Just give me congratulatory money."
Tap—the straw dropped with a sound. Impressed, Neru curled her hands like a cat and brought them to her mouth.
Beastkin with cat traits didn't have fur on their hands and feet since they were still human, but her posture was on par with any cat.
"...Oho. Thinking all the way to marriage? Well, you're already living together anyway."
'Living together?! Marriage?! I, I haven't even prepared my heart...!'
Prepared your heart for what? Don't make weird preparations and just refute me already!
-Denied! Your statement is false testimony, and simultaneously a mockery directed at me!
I thought she'd shout something like that, show obvious displeasure, and immediately storm out of her seat, but why is she sitting still in that rigid posture? If you don't deny it and just stay quiet, the fake news looks real!
"...Hmm. Are you two really dating? You don't seem familiar with each other."
Finally noticed something was off, huh.
Phew, thank goodness. Right. If even you were in your right mind, we could still reverse the fake news situation...
'Heh, seeing her like this, the Captain is kind of cute. I guess being in the military makes her awkward with romance? For the sake of a better article, I should give her a little push.'
Did you learn to push things precariously balanced on cliffs from your ancestors, you 1/8 cat? How can you be so meddlesome?
"Since you two lived together, you'd at least know the number of moles on each other's bodies, right?"
"...Moles?!"
Whether from excessive embarrassment, the Captain couldn't give a proper response at all. I could feel a sultry heat radiating from the Captain's body as if she'd become a lamp.
These Military Nation bastards, they treat humans like machines so they actually became machines. It's hot so it malfunctioned.
Ah, whatever. The Military Nation is bad, plain and simple.
Neru wore a satisfied smile and winked at me with one eye.
'Hehe. If I give her a push like this, they'll be so anxious about each other's mole count tonight they won't be able to stand it. How about it? Was that helpful, Magician?'
Don't make me laugh, you brat. Why would I be anxious about mole count? I already know.
I briefly recalled a memory from before.
"No need. I already know. It's five."
"?! Denied! No, confirmed, morally denied! How do you know that information!"
Oops.
"Hmm. So you've already seen everything there is to see."
"Ma-marriage, denied! And my mole count is four!"
"There's also one on the back of your shoulder. Did you count that?"
"Then it is five... How do you know that information!"
"Ah, that's classified."
"D-denied! Your conduct is improper!"
The Captain, who had turned around to confront me, moved too vigorously, forgetting that she was sitting on my lap. Pitching forward from the momentum, the Captain and I ended up with our bodies pressed together.
Is this what blanched grass leaves smell like? Her flushed red face and hot body pressed flush against me. Even through her stiff uniform, the warmth I felt heated my body.
Wow, having this in winter would keep you warm.
...Hmm. This is a bit dangerous.
"My. How lovely. You two... aren't shy about skinship even in broad daylight..."
"Halt! Erase that!"
Having found juicy material, Neru had already pulled out a notepad and was scribbling down an article. She didn't seem to care about the Captain's orders either.
"...Mole... count... is... five.... A... relationship... where... they trace... each other's... bodies... and draw... constellations...."
"I never traced or drew anything! Forget it! It's classified!"
"The Captain's body... mole... count... is... military classified...."
"Denied! It's not classified, it's private! It's personal life! Right now...!"
Perhaps from her head overheating from embarrassment, the Captain flailed her arms and nearly collapsed to the ground. I quickly grabbed the Captain's shoulder and pulled her back. The Captain's face crashed into my chest.
As she ended up embraced like that, crushed sounds escaped from the Captain's mouth.
"Ah, u, ah."
She really seems to have malfunctioned. What do I do.
The only one having fun here was Neru. Like a seasoned paparazzi, she observed us without a shred of shame, and once the article draft was complete, she ripped the memo sheet and tucked it into her thigh belt.
"Alright. The interview's over. Thanks for cooperating, honey."
"This is all your fault."
"Sorry. As an apology, I'll pay for this drink."
No, weren't you going to hear about the taboo? The story isn't over.
As a coalition of beastkin, the Family is the organization with the strongest organizational power and information network. I was planning to leak appropriate information to them and have them move according to my will when needed.
"Don't worry, honey. I understand why you said all this."
Yeah. You get it.
Well, from the middle, she was enjoying watching the Captain's reactions. Since she caught onto my true intentions, she'd probably set up another meeting later...
'Since honey now has a precious person to protect, it means I shouldn't ask more about this and just trust and leave it to him. Hehe, even the great Magician is quite a romanticist, huh?'
Why is your head only filled with affectation and gossip? Why are you so excited about someone else's love story (fabricated)? Did you get a third-person observer heat period or something?
'Anyway, since he even revealed his woman, we should show our sincerity too. Right. I don't know what you're planning, but I'll play along with your puppet show, Magician. Like the day of the group pickpocketing festival.'
It's encouraging that she won't ask more and will do as told, but what a misunderstanding this is...
Sigh, whatever. However the process went, the result is good so it's fine. It's the best outcome for me.
Neru, who was about to get up, suddenly asked.
"...Oh, honey. I shouldn't reveal the Captain's affiliation or identity, right?"
The Captain flinched. Already nestled against me, the Captain burrowed even deeper into me upon hearing those words. As if wanting to hide her identity.
Since the answer was already decided, I quickly shook my head.
"Don't even look into it. This much material alone is enough, isn't it?"
"What if we poke around a little?"
She just had to keep prodding until the end. I answered with a bright smile.
"One of you two would have to die."
It was a plain truth. In principle, the moment Neru learned the Captain was a signal officer, either the Captain or Neru would have to die.
At that, Neru swallowed dryly and nodded.
"Don't worry, honey. I'll definitely hide the Captain's identity."
'I really shouldn't touch this. If the Magician asserts it to this extent, things won't end well if I do...'
Huh? No, not me. You two. You and the Captain.
I said one of the two of you would die? Why are you putting me on that seesaw of lives?
'Wait. Then that means we're testing our luck with the Magician's girl... Umm, I should tell the Family not to accept anything the Magician gives us for a while. Once his eyes wander, who knows what he'll do.'
You just figured that out now.
Since it came up. I said one more thing to Neru, who was pulling out her wallet.
"...You're not going to use my real name, are you?"
"Of course not. Great article material should be saved for later... Any options you want?"
"Write that I'm Hugh, the brilliant mind who monopolized first place in the entire middle school consecutively."
"Received. Okay, thanks, honey."
Neru swished her tail as she walked away. Perhaps emboldened by the fact that I had a weakness too, her steps were exceptionally light.
It's a complete misunderstanding, but there's no need to correct it. Inducing misunderstandings in the other party is also good buildup.
Anyway.
"...."
What should I do about the Captain, who was clutching my collar and staying quiet while holding her breath? I did embarrass her, but it feels like I've sent her off somewhere strange instead of home.
...Let's go home for now.