“If, as you say, you are faring well thanks to being my wife, there is no reason you would wish to separate. The fact that you are going this far suggests you have something you are counting on.”
“That isn’t it. I simply no longer wish to live with you.”
“Why? Because you realized you were betrayed, and have come to despise me?”
“I have no reason to hate you, Heiner.”
At those words, the corners of Heiner’s eyes twitched briefly. His lips moved slightly, as if he wished to say something. Anette did not wait for him and spoke first.
“I do not hate anyone. Even if the entire world hates me, I cannot do so. Because I am not entitled to.”
Heiner wore an expression of disbelief that such words had left her mouth. Anette felt a rather strange sensation.
Had he thought she would be trapped in this manor, gritting her teeth at those discussing her fate? Without the slightest hint of guilt.
“All the newspapers say the remnants of dictatorship must be completely annihilated. I am not sure what part of me must be annihilated, but if that is what they want, I do not mind.”
Anette was still not well-versed in politics. But she knew what a cause was. She knew what human rights were, and what democracy was. She understood why people wanted a new regime established.
In the past, she had not known, nor had she wished to know. But now she did.
Guilt, indebtedness, shame—such emotions existed as well. Of course, they could not be called feelings truly grounded in understanding.
It was simply that since everyone in the world said she was wrong, she had come to accept it. Three years had passed since the fall of the monarchy. Three years was sufficient time to drive a person’s mind into a corner.
“You do not mind, even so? Do you know what you are saying right now, Madame?”
“I do not care what happens, if only you grant me a divorce.”
Even if she fell, she did not want to fall as Heiner Valdemar’s wife. She did not want to show such a wretched sight to the man she had loved. This was the last shred of pride Anette had left.
If there was one thing she wished to be compensated for, it was the time she had spent loving Heiner.
“Divorce, divorce, divorce.”
Heiner’s words snapped off abruptly.
“Perhaps because you have lived so easily, divorce seems easy to you as well, Madame.”
“…Is there anything difficult about it? If only you agree.”
“I do not agree.”
Large hands gripped both her shoulders. The body heat burning through her slip was searing. He spoke ferociously.
“I said I do not agree.”
“I am of no use to you now. As I said, I am merely a stain… Let go.”
But Heiner gripped her shoulders even harder. They were close enough that their faces nearly touched. She could not breathe at his murderous intensity.
A gloomily subdued voice dug into her ears.
“You will remain my stain, gladly so.”
“Heiner.”
“You will continue to be my wife, you will not leave this place, and you will never so much as dream of freedom or happiness. Before my eyes, you will endure every misfortune and pay for your sins.”
Heiner spat out each word as if chewing them one by one. Their gazes collided at close range. They were near enough that their breaths mingled.
When Anette winced at the throbbing pain in her shoulders, Heiner finally released her. A precarious silence fell.
The heated atmosphere gradually cooled. After observing Anette as if examining her, he opened his mouth with a much calmer demeanor.
“There is an opening banquet for the Belen Hotel in a few days. You must attend as my companion, so prepare yourself, Madame.”
“….”
“As my wife.”
He added this as if to emphasize it. Heiner’s eyes, which had rippled once, settled back into calm. On his flawless, beautiful face, sculpted like fine marble, an inexplicable stubbornness lingered.
“I do not want to.”
For the first time, Anette resisted.
“You will go.”
“I do not want to go.”
“Why? Did you not love parties?”
Heiner sneered. It was a remark about her, who had once flitted from party to social gathering before their marriage.
“If I refuse, will you drag me there by force?”
“Think carefully, Madame. If you continue to defy my will in this manner, I may have you confined in a mental hospital for the rest of your life.”
“…What?”
“No matter how you deny your madness, no one will believe you. I will not let them believe you. Running away is useless. I will find you without fail. If you do not wish to spend your life locked away in a mental hospital—you had best do as I wish.”
A voice like shards of broken glass drove into her ears, syllable by syllable.
Anette stared at Heiner, deathly pale. Her mind creaked like a chair with uneven legs. The hand gripping the blanket trembled faintly.
Was this person truly Heiner Valdemar?
Was he truly the lover she had once loved without equal?
Heiner’s appearance, his eyes coldly cast down, was no different from usual, yet to Anette he was simply unfamiliar. So unfamiliar it was terrifying.
Why hadn’t she realized sooner? She should have noticed from the moment her father passed, when he turned cold as if he had been waiting. That he had approached her for his goal from the very beginning. That he had been this kind of person from the start.
No… she had known. She had known all along. She simply had not been able to admit it. At that time, she had been mentally cornered and needed something to hold onto. That had been Heiner.
Back then, Anette had brainwashed herself over and over. She could not have endured otherwise.
“It is only because I am in this situation now.”
“He married me believing I was a noble lady of high honor, but I fell into ruin like this.”
“So his love may have cooled for a moment.”
“But he will surely return.”
“With the moments we loved. With the seasons we loved. With the love we shared….”
“Answer me, Madame.”
Ah.
Why hadn’t she realized sooner?
Love born from utility had not been love at all.
Anette opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. Her voice would not come out. After swallowing her trembling breath with difficulty, she nodded faintly.
Even though she had yielded, Heiner did not look the least bit satisfied. Rather, he looked displeased. As if the terror he had planted, and the weakness derived from it, were not to his liking.
An ashen, gray gaze slowly slid over her face. Those eyes looked infinitely cold, yet held a strange heat.
Anette found it somehow difficult to meet his eyes and lowered her head. Soon after, Heiner rose from the bed. Without looking back, he strode out of the room.
Bang. The door closed.
Anette sat blankly, trying to gather her confused mind. It felt as if a storm had swept through. What had just happened felt like a distant memory from long ago.
Letting out a short sigh, Anette opened the drawer beside the bed. Inside were several packets of sleeping pills. They had been prescribed by Doctor Arnold.
She tore open a packet, took one of the three pills, and placed the remaining two in a pill case. The palm-sized container was already more than half full.
For quite some time, Anette had been collecting sleeping pills like a squirrel hoarding food. Each time the case grew heavier, she felt oddly reassured.
She closed her eyes and lay down, waiting for the medicine to take effect. Praying that she would not have nightmares tonight.
***
“—So I did not study abroad. I am rather timid, you see. And I cannot speak foreign languages. But Heiner, you have traveled abroad often, haven’t you?”
“Yes. I was stationed here and there for operations.”
“Do you speak all the languages there?”
“For the most part, though many places use the common tongue.”
“Then how many languages do you speak…?”
“Four, including the common tongue. I was educated at the agency from childhood.”
“Wow, that is truly amazing. I have no aptitude for studying whatsoever.”
“I understand you play the piano well.”
“Well, I have played since I was young. I dreamed of being a pianist for a very long time… but lately I am not so sure.”
“Why is that?”
“I am feeling somewhat doubtful about my talent. I am wondering if this path is truly right for me. Ah, you need not listen so seriously. After all, given my status, the piano is considered more refined as a hobby than a profession.”
“…Your playing is excellent, Anette. You will surely become an outstanding pianist.”
“Ahaha, what? You have never even heard me play.”
“You look like you would play well.”
Heiner shrugged. Anette playfully slapped his forearm and laughed. He smiled back at her. Roses billowed in the wind.
Swaaa—. The scenery blurred as if shrouded in fog, then grew clear again. The seasons changed several times over. They remained together.
Scenery passed, passed, and passed. A summer night sky dense with stars unfolded. They were on a boat floating on a lake.
“Anette. Please marry me.”
Heiner knelt on one knee and slipped a ring onto Anette’s ring finger.
“I will make you happy for life.”
His eyes curved into a smile. Anette covered her mouth with one hand, then unable to contain her overwhelming heart, she embraced him. Heiner laughed heartily and wrapped his arms around her back.
Stars poured down upon the waves. Upon the glittering waters, the sight of a single boat and a man and woman was beautiful as a painting.
A current born from distant reaches flowed in and shattered the scene. Her vision crumbled away piece by piece. As everything turned to ruin, only his voice echoed like a refrain.
“I will make you happy for life.”
“Make you happy for life…”
“For life…”
“Be miserable by my side for life.”
Anette opened her eyes.