While she was having a late dinner, Heiner entered the dining room. Perhaps because he had bathed after returning from work, his hair still held a trace of dampness.
Heiner raised his brows slightly upon spotting Anette. He spoke as though surprised.
“At this hour? That’s unusual.”
Anette simply nodded her head slightly in lieu of a reply. She had lacked an appetite all day and was only now, belatedly, beginning to feel hungry.
As Heiner took his seat, a servant brought out soup and a glass. Anette silently brought the food to her lips. For a time, only the clatter of cutlery filled the space.
“Ansgar Stetter came to the residence to see you.”
She froze.
Anette’s hand, which had been holding her fork, stopped in an instant. She raised her head to look at Heiner, but his expression was utterly ordinary.
The same dish served to Anette was placed before Heiner. It was a mixed garnish of mushrooms, eggs, and bread stuffed inside a Muscovy duck.
Heiner gestured for all the servants in the dining room to withdraw.
“What did he speak with you about?”
“You already heard everything, did you not?”
“Even so, hearing it from the person involved is different, is it not?”
“……He asked me to divorce you and go with him to Franche. That is all.”
“And go there to marry him?”
A dry smile hung at the corner of Heiner’s lips.
“Was your reason for asking me for a divorce so that you could marry him?”
“That day was the first time I had seen Ansgar in four years.”
“Who knows. You may have been in contact behind my back. Just as you investigated me in secret.”
Even if she had been in contact with Ansgar, why should that be subject to Heiner’s censorship? The question welled up to the tip of her throat, but Anette did not voice it.
“You will never take his hand.”
An authoritative voice blocked her ears.
“Nor will you ever escape from here.”
A dark, obsessive gaze settled upon Anette’s face. Anette stared blankly at the half-cut asparagus as she thought.
If Ansgar was indeed part of the royalist restoration faction, then naturally Heiner would not want to hand her over to them. This was not a matter of emotion.
Perhaps that was why he refused to permit the divorce as well. Because it was easier to place restrictions on her while they were still legally bound…….
‘But then why do Heiner’s close aides hold a different opinion from him on the matter of divorce?’
No suitable answer came to mind. Anette thought herself far from clever. In truth, even if she reasoned it through, there was nothing she could do.
She gave up thinking any further. Strength drained from her hand. The fork struck the dish with a sharp clang. Heiner stared for a moment at that thin hand.
***
Anette changed into traveling clothes from early morning. She packed a small sum of money, headache medicine, and a handkerchief into her bag. Finally, she lowered the black veil attached to her hat over her face, completing her preparations.
“I am going to church. I do not need an attendant.”
“But, my lady.”
“I am going to pray. I do not wish to be disturbed.”
“If you wish to go out alone, you must first obtain permission from the Commander.”
Heiner was not about to give permission. She questioned why she needed his permission in the first place, but the attendant was adamant. In the end, she relented and took the attendant with her.
Anette rode in a carriage to a nearby church. Though she had been a believer in the past, it had been quite some time since she had attended. It stood in stark contrast to Heiner, who faithfully attended services despite not being religious.
The church was empty on a weekday afternoon. Anette placed money in the offering box and sat in the front pew. A cross hung above the altar.
Anette stared up blankly at the cross and prayed. She did not close her eyes. She did not fold her hands. She merely muttered inwardly.
‘Please forgive my sins. Whatever sins they may be, forgive them all. Please absolve me of my remaining punishment. You are capable of it, are You not? Please, save me.’
Yet no answer came. Though so many people claimed to have received God’s response, Anette had never experienced it once.
Feeling somehow hopeless, she clenched her fist tightly.
‘Why will You not forgive me? Why have You cast me into this quagmire? Why do You torment me so? Why do You…….’
Anette, who had been listing resentments, suddenly stopped praying. It struck her that it was meaningless.
Anette picked up her bag and rose from her seat. She handed a letter to the attendant waiting at the entrance.
“An old man will be at the back door. Please deliver this to him. He is infirm, so he may be a little late.”
“May I examine the contents?”
“……Do as you please.”
The attendant, having opened and read the letter, seemed to judge there was nothing particularly suspicious and tucked it away again.
The moment the attendant stepped out, Anette hastily left the church. She hailed a hansom cab (a two-wheeled, two-seater carriage for hire) on the street and climbed aboard.
“To the train station, please.”
The carriage set off. Anette looked back. She saw no one following.
There had never been any old man waiting at the back door. She had simply needed a pretext to shake off her attendant.
The carriage picked up speed. Anette leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes. She could feel the vivid beat of her own heart.
A few nights ago, she had seen the sea at Glenford in a dream. She wanted to see that sea with her own eyes.
***
There was still quite some time before the train’s departure. The preceding train had already sold out of seats. Anette sat idly on a waiting bench, watching the people pass by.
Everyone moved about busily, as though in a great hurry. Watching a young boy grunt and strain under a suitcase as large as himself, Anette tilted her head.
Where could they all be going, and what for?
What goal were they working so hard to reach?
It was only natural that every person had their own life, yet it felt remarkably new. It was also wondrous that everyone was finding their way without wandering.
The world, excluding Anette, spun rapidly on. She alone remained stagnant.
Quite some time passed before the train arrived at the station. Holding her ticket, Anette wandered about for a moment in front of the train.
‘D200, G—12…….’
It had been so long since she had ridden a train, and she had always been escorted by an attendant to a first-class seat, so this was the first time she had ever searched for a seat herself.
In the end, Anette asked a crew member for help.
“Excuse me, could you please check my ticket? I’m not sure where to board…….”
“One moment. Ah, it’s the next car over. Your seat number should be posted above, so please check and take your seat.”
Having boarded the train, Anette fortunately found her seat quickly. The seats, arranged so that four people faced one another, were narrow and uncomfortable.
The passengers held their newspapers like shields. Anette pulled her hat down low for no particular reason. She was afraid she might see an article about herself.
It took roughly seven hours to reach Glenford. Anette gazed out the window, but unable to bear the tedium, she bought a magazine from the vendor on the train. Yet even that she soon set aside, her head aching from reading.
“Hey, miss.”
The elderly woman seated across from her suddenly spoke.
“Yes?”
“Have you finished reading that?”
“Ah…… not quite, but I was going to stop. Would you like to read it?”
“I’d be much obliged.”
The elderly woman nodded and took the magazine. Anette observed her discreetly. The shabbily dressed old woman looked gaunt and impoverished.
After watching for a moment, Anette purchased a sandwich and orange juice from the vendor. The sandwich wrapped in paper had been cut in two.
Lifting her veil slightly, she took a bite. The dry, crumbly bread fell apart in her mouth. It was the worst sandwich she had ever eaten.
The elderly woman looked up from the magazine and glanced at her. Anette rewrapped the sandwich, having opened only the top of the wrapper.
Soon the elderly woman set the magazine down. Anette, fidgeting with her hands, asked in a gentle voice,
“Would you like to have this?”
“……Didn’t you buy that for yourself, miss?”
“I had intended to, but I’m not feeling well.”
The elderly woman hesitated a moment, then muttered her thanks and accepted the sandwich. Anette hastily added,
“Ah, but one of them is the one I already ate from, so please take the other…….”
“It’s fine.”
Without a second thought, the elderly woman took a large bite of the sandwich Anette had eaten from. Chewing slowly, she struck up a conversation.
“Where are you going, miss?”
Anette could not hide her delight as she replied promptly,
“I’m going to Glenford.”
“Traveling?”
“Mm…… something like that. I want to see the sea.”
The sea at Glenford was famous for its beauty. Anette had gone there once, long ago, for recuperation.
“Alone? Not with your sweetheart?”
“I am married.”
“Ah, so you are a married lady. Leaving your husband behind?”
“My husband and I do not get along. Matters have even come to talk of divorce.”
“Do you have children?”
“No, none.”
“No children, then it’s fine, isn’t it? Young people divorce often these days. It’s no great scandal anymore.”
“Is that truly so?”
“Of course it’s true. In my day, it was a scandal for a woman to divorce, but times have changed greatly. Life has become a bit easier for women, and there are no more noble lords, though living is still hard, of course…….”
The corners of Anette’s lips twitched. She found it difficult to reply readily. Did that old woman loathe nobles too? It would be stranger if she did not.
When Anette remained silent for a time, the elderly woman, having swallowed a mouthful of sandwich, asked,
“Why don’t you get along with your husband?”
“……It’s just…… my husband and all his people do not like me. And I no longer wish to live with him, either.”
“No affection from the time you spent together?”
“I wonder. Perhaps he…… would not care in the slightest even if I died.”
“I know that feeling too. The knowledge that someone hates you is far harder to bear than you might think.”
The elderly woman lowered the hand holding her sandwich for a moment and spoke in a serious tone.
“But one cannot be loved by everyone. That truly cannot be helped. There is nothing to do but live on, embracing those who love me.”
There was something lonesome in that voice. Anette sat blankly for a moment, then nodded her head faintly. Her mouth tasted bitter.
The people who loved me are all dead. Then what am I to do?
I do not wish to be loved by everyone. I merely do not want to be hated by everyone. If all that remains for me is the qualification to be hated—what am I to do?
Her thoughts swayed slowly. Clatter, clatter. The train shook. Outside the window stretched a golden wheat field.
The elderly woman rustled open the wrapper and took out the remaining sandwich. Anette, watching those wrinkled fingertips, held out the orange juice to her.