That Team from Turin -1
"Okay, let's stop here. Take a short break."
"Phew, yes sir."
"What? Your breathing is fine? Wasn't training hard enough? You should look like you're about to die."
"Huh? Ah, ah."
"Haha! I'm kidding. Just kidding."
I laugh emptily at Coach Luca's words.
Ow.
Today as well, after finishing team training, I was doing individual training with Coach Luca.
As usual, I had trained dribbling and shooting with him, followed by physical conditioning.
Perhaps because it had been a while since I started, I no longer felt like I was literally dying like before.
Even though training sessions kept being added on.
Had my body adapted?
Or maybe it was simply because summer was passing.
"It's a bit cool now when we do this."
"Right. It's getting chilly."
The weather had definitely gotten cooler.
The midday sun was still hot, but by the time we did individual training like this, I could feel that the sun's angle had noticeably lowered.
It seemed autumn was already on its way.
It had been summer at first. The thought that the days of hard training were piling up one by one as time passed made me feel proud.
Time flows. I’m changing too.
"Ah, right. Come to think of it, your first paycheck came in last week?"
"Ah, yes."
"How did it feel?"
"Um… I was grateful. To you, Coach, and to the manager, my friends, the team…"
"What do you have to be thankful to me for?"
"If it weren't for you, I might not have gotten the contract at all."
"Haha. What did I do? You earned it through your own hard work."
Chatting casually with Coach, I felt my sweat cooling.
In fact, more than the weather or the height of the sun, moments like this were what made me feel the passage of time.
When I found myself exchanging personal stories so freely with Coach.
It had been awkward at first.
No, rather than awkward, Coach hadn't had any interest in me back then. Not just Coach—everyone had. I was just invisible.
There had probably been more days when I didn't say a single word from the time I arrived at the training ground until I went home.
The kids who trained with me probably didn't even know my name.
That version of me now chatted like this with Coach, and talked a lot during team training. Sometimes in the locker room the kids played pranks on me, and I had learned to take them with a smile.
Looking back now…
I wondered if my old self had been deceiving himself. Back then, I had thought being treated like an invisible man was rather comfortable and good.
But now was much more enjoyable. Maybe back then, it wasn't that it was truly comfortable and good, but that I couldn't help thinking that way.
Looking back now, I had only needed a little courage. Just a tiny bit of courage to participate diligently in training, to say I would try first. That would have been enough.
Just like now.
What had been so frightening about mustering this small courage?
What had been so scary that I hid on my own remote island? I had simply been satisfied with not starving to death day by day; why hadn't I been able to muster the courage to set out to sea again?
Without even knowing that that wasn't living, but dying.
I had really been a fool.
"Well, was there anything you wanted to do with your paycheck? Coach here went out drinking as soon as I signed my pro contract."
"…Drinking?"
"I was twenty when I signed, you punk."
"Ah… I ate with my dad and a friend I've been close to since I was young. Bought them some gifts too."
"…Completely different from me. Is your friend a girl?"
"Yes. She's a girl, but just a friend."
"Girlfriend, then."
"…Just a friend."
"You buy a gift for a just-friend with your first paycheck?"
"Because she's my only friend."
"That's what you call a girlfriend."
"I'm telling you, just a friend."
"Okay, okay. Don't get mad."
I pouted at Coach's teasing, and he burst into hearty laughter.
"Anyway, she must be a precious friend."
"…Yes."
Not a girlfriend… but a precious friend indeed.
For whatever reason, it was true that Jiu was the reason I, who had hidden on a remote island, found the courage.
Not wanting to be found out that my own kingdom was a pathetic, remote island, I had no choice but to muster the courage to board a ship again.
Because I wanted to introduce my island to Jiu as a bigger and better one. So despite the fear, I had headed out to sea again.
And while doing so, I felt it.
That the sea was calmer than I had thought. In my memories, the sea had been a frightening place lashed by storms. But when I actually mustered the courage again, it wasn't like that.
It was well worth crossing.
"You must have felt proud, a bit of strength in your shoulders. Proud of yourself. Right?"
"Well… haha."
"You must have felt like you need to work harder too. Right?"
"…Yes. I thought that. A lot."
I nodded at Coach's words.
The thought that I needed to work harder—I had thought it a lot.
Because I still hadn't arrived at that island.
I still had a long way to go. Though I was lucky to be on calm seas now, there was no telling when I would meet another big wave.
But I could no longer go back.
It wasn't simply because I didn't want my lie to be found out. Now it was because I didn't want to return to that remote island.
To do that, I had no choice but to row harder. Now, even if I met a storm, I would not return to that remote island.
I would definitely reach a big, beautiful island.
"Coach."
"Yeah?"
"I want to do well in this week's match."
"…Huh?"
"Because I think that's the only way I can work even harder going forward."
"…Yeah. I see. You'll do well."
This weekend, our team was going on an away trip to Turin.
Because that team from Turin was our opponent.
To be honest… I was still scared.
I had thought countless times that I didn't want to go.
I liked Florence and hated Turin. Because I had been swept away by a wave I met there and drifted all the way to a remote island. I hadn't wanted to go back.
But… I wanted to be courageous.
Because I felt that if I couldn't overcome fear here again, I wouldn't be able to head toward an even greater sea in the future.
And I already knew.
That if I just squeezed my eyes shut and mustered courage just once, it wouldn't be so hard after that.
So I was trying to be courageous this time too.
Last Monday, eating and shopping with Dad and Jiu had also been to gain the strength to muster that courage. Seeing those eyes looking at me proudly had made me feel like I had to find courage I didn't have.
"Yes. Let's play a fun match."
"Yes."
"They're nothing special, you know that, right?"
"Right."
I nodded and gazed at the sun, which had turned orange before I knew it.
"…"
Then I suddenly thought.
Why was I suddenly putting on such cringeworthy airs?
Remote island? Storm? What was all this?
Ugh, so cringey.
Ha… It's a good thing this was only in my head. If I had written this in a diary, I would have kicked my blankets rereading it later. I'm past the age for middle school syndrome; why am I like this?
They say men fall prey to autumn.
Autumn sunlight is this terrifying.
∙∙∙
"Nobody left anything behind?"
"No sir!"
"Good. Let's depart."
With a rumble, the bus departed.
The destination of this bus, carrying twenty kids and a few adults, was Turin.
Exiting the city at a slow speed, the bus began to pick up considerable speed by the time vast vineyards started to appear outside the window.
Staring at the rapidly passing scenery for a while, I suddenly had that thought.
Can't we go a little slower?
I wish we could go slowly.
Do we really need to hurry?
"…"
The truth is, Turin is quite far from Florence.
No, it's considerably far. It's more than five hours by car.
They say five hours, but five hours inside a cramped bus feels almost like ten.
I couldn't even sleep. If I slept now, I would be awake tonight and it would affect tomorrow's match.
So there was no reason to go slowly.
Still, I felt like it would be nice to go a bit slower. Why? Even after all that talk about courage, was it because I was still scared?
"…"
I recalled when I first arrived in Turin.
That memory was still vivid.
The unfamiliarity I felt the moment I stepped out of the airport.
Everyone passing by was a foreigner, and there wasn't a single letter I could read.
Even the smell of the air was different; everything had been truly unfamiliar.
I remembered holding Dad's hand tightly from the moment we left the airport until we got in a taxi.
I had been thirteen at the time. As if I were five years old.
To me, unfamiliarity had quickly become fear.
It had been worse before my first training.
I had trembled like a child nervous about starting elementary school for the first time.
I hadn't been able to sleep a wink the night before.
But it was too late to say I was scared now since I had already come this far.
I remembered heading to the training ground while holding back stomach pain.
Honestly, the kids there probably hadn't gotten a good first impression of me.
I understood. They had tried talking to me first, but I hadn't been able to answer a single word.
There had been an interpreter teacher, but she hadn't always been by my side.
In the locker room, in the cafeteria… the kids constantly played pranks on me. Throwing things, taking my food.
But when I didn't take it in stride, the pranks gradually turned into bullying.
One day I opened my locker and it was full of trash. Leftover snack bags, milk cartons, banana peels—it was a complete mess, and the moment I opened it the kids burst into laughter.
Around then, unable to endure it any longer, I had told the interpreter teacher.
And the next day, was it?
Coach had scolded the kids, and that was it.
It ended with just a warning not to do it again.
There was no real solution given to me.
They just told me to try to adapt quickly, that it was partly my problem for not fitting into the team.
I had thought that maybe if I just played soccer well, everything would be solved… but that hadn't gone well either.
My skills, which weren't much to begin with, hadn't shown well, and the kids hadn't helped.
There had been guys who only bumped into me hard during training, and guys who wouldn't pass to me even if their lives depended on it.
Kicking the ball pretending it was a mistake to hit me was a daily occurrence.
Looking back now… I had really been stupid.
If I was being treated like that, I should have fought back or told Dad early.
I had been scared of both.
"…"
Actually, to call myself from back then foolish… it didn't seem like I had changed much even now.
I was still so scared that I was thinking the bus should go slowly.
Would I really be able to play well in the match, standing up against those kids?
I still didn't know.
But… it had all been the same anyway.
Had I thought I would do well in the match against Napoli? I had just played with courage, desperately.
It was the same this time.
What mattered wasn't that I felt scared.
It was doing it despite being scared.
In this, at least… I thought I had changed now.
I definitely had regrets.
Why hadn't I been able to do anything back then, just ignoring everything alone?
Why hadn't I been able to think of fighting back?
I wanted to erase those regrets.
With this opportunity.
Bzzt—
Feeling the vibration in my pocket, I pulled my gaze from outside the window. Taking out my phone, I saw a message from Jiu.
Jiu: School's done
Jiu: You on your way?? On the bus??
I replied that I was, and a message came back immediately.
Jiu: You said you're playing against your old team this time
Jiu: The one you said you left because things didn't work out
Jiu: Fighting and come back!!
Jiu: Don't go crying and whining because noona's not there
Jiu: Got it???
…Who's crying and whining.
I had been trying to look out the window and be profound, but Jiu didn't give me a moment's rest.
Come to think of it… it was always like that.
Whenever I fell into deep, dark thoughts, Jiu would strike up a conversation, and as I talked with Jiu, I could break free from those dark thoughts.
The reason I had been able to breathe at all must have been because Jiu cleared the air like that.
I sent a reply.
Me: I'll kill them all and come back
I sent that… then suddenly thought it wasn't quite right and turned my phone back on.
Trying to delete the message, I saw that the '1' had already disappeared.
"…"
Seeing the screen fill with 'k's, I put my phone back in my pocket and quietly looked out the window.
My face burned.
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