Chapter 213: Perfectionist -1
“You must have had a hard time.”
“···Pardon?”
“I said, it must have been hard.”
···What is he suddenly talking about.
I tilt my head at the examiner’s words as he carefully scans the test sheet. Is he saying it was hard answering over 100 questions?
It was pretty hard.
Even simple questions made me think deeply.
Written at the top of the test sheet: Answer all questions as honestly as possible.
It said to choose what was comfortable, not what I wanted.
In short, it was telling me to reveal myself as I truly am, so it couldn’t be easy.
Still, I tried my best to look at myself objectively and answer.
“Hmm···”
The examiner is currently scanning that test sheet.
I’m unnecessarily nervous; it feels like getting my fortune told.
What interpretation will come out?
Just what kind of person am I?
Licking my dry lips as I wait, the examiner, who had been checking the sheet and tapping on his laptop for a while, takes off his glasses and sets them down.
Then he turns the laptop toward me so I can see the screen and speaks.
“First, these are the temperament test results. Temperament refers to innate, genetically inherited traits—unique personal characteristics that generally don’t change.”
“···Yes.”
“The test is divided into four categories: Stimulus Seeking, Harm Avoidance, Social Sensitivity, and Persistence. If you look here, this graph represents your temperament test results.”
I look at the screen the examiner is pointing to.
Some kind of graph is displayed in scores.
Stimulus Seeking··· the graph extends far to the left.
Harm Avoidance··· far to the right.
Social Sensitivity··· to the right.
Persistence··· also to the right.
“It’s exactly as it looks. Stimulus Seeking, for example—if it’s high, you have a temperament that finds interest in new environments or unfamiliar things. If you have an impulsive temperament, it’s high; if you’re cautious, it’s low. Yours came out quite low.”
···Seems I answered honestly without lying.
I nod my head.
“Harm Avoidance indicates how you react to danger. The type who worries a lot over nothing, as people commonly say. That type scores high, while optimistic people score low. Yours came out high.”
There’s no room for argument here either.
“Social Sensitivity is an indicator of how sensitive you are to others’ reactions. High scorers are sensitive to others’ reactions; low scorers are obtuse. Simply put, the more someone lives however they want regardless of what others say, the lower they score. On this test, you scored high.”
Of course.
I don’t have the guts to not care what others say.
“Lastly, Persistence is exactly what it sounds like. Yours came out high. Good.”
Is this a good thing?
If the examiner says it’s good, it must be good.
The examiner nods and speaks.
“To summarize: You are the cautious and calm type. You don’t like change and are conservative. You have a temperament that is quite shy and dislikes standing in front of others. You worry a lot and prepare for crises in advance, but you have a hard time overcoming embarrassing or confusing experiences. You are dependent on others’ emotional support, so you are easily hurt when criticized or unrecognized. Still, it’s good that your patience is high.”
···What can I say.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to stand naked in front of a stranger.
Hearing an explanation about myself from someone else’s mouth feels somehow unfamiliar.
But I can’t help but nod.
So when I just nod silently, the examiner shakes his head instead and says.
“This isn’t a suitable temperament for being an athlete.”
“···Pardon?”
“There is no good or bad temperament. However, we can examine whether it is suitable or unsuitable for certain work. You weren’t born with a temperament suitable for being a soccer player.”
It doesn’t seem like a nice thing to say.
He delivers it so calmly that even I end up listening and thinking, I guess so.
“Based on accumulated data, most players have temperaments opposite to yours. High Stimulus Seeking, enjoying adventure and challenge; low Harm Avoidance, liking to step forward and having strong self-assertion. Full of vitality and passionate.”
“···Yes.”
“There are players with both low and high Social Sensitivity, but successful players often score low. Cases where the tendency to focus only on oneself stands out.”
···Really the complete opposite of me.
I somehow feel like I’ve lost out.
“As I said, there is no right or wrong temperament. It depends on how it’s expressed. Even with equally high Stimulus Seeking, one becomes a pioneer and another becomes a criminal. Likewise, even with equally low Harm Avoidance, one becomes a depression patient and another can become a meticulous person. However, it is possible to interpret that people with certain temperaments are more advantageous in certain fields. That’s one of the reasons this test is administered. Let’s think about the profession of a soccer player.”
Soccer player.
What kind of temperament should a person have for this job?
“Every day is a continuous challenge and competition. You must be someone who knows how to enjoy competition. You must also know how to reveal yourself. It’s a job where you stand in front of fans. At the same time, you must know how to protect yourself from others’ gazes. It’s a profession where criticism inevitably follows. Shall I put it simply in one sentence? Soccer player is a profession suitable for people born without fear.”
The examiner points at me.
“You’re the exact opposite. You’re not the type to enjoy competition and challenge. You also don’t prefer revealing yourself. You care greatly about others’ gazes. You worry a lot and fear a lot. How about it. Haven’t you had a hard time?”
···I can’t say it was little.
Still, I shrug my shoulders and answer.
“Everyone has hard times.”
“You must have had it several times harder. Going against your innate temperament. It was only possible because your Persistence is in the top tier. If your Persistence had been low as well, you would have quit soccer long ago. You wouldn’t have had a choice.”
It’s not easy to deny.
Thinking back, childhood was a continuous series of enduring.
When I nod, the examiner smiles and asks.
“What made you not give up?”
Hmm··· well.
“Rather than not doing it··· I couldn’t.”
“Is that so. What was the reason?”
I shrug.
If I examine it closely, there are several reasons, but they can all be tied into one.
“There were people who would be happy if I did well.”
That’s it in the end.
When I think about it, that’s all there is.
“That was your biggest motivation?”
“···Yes.”
Whether it was my parents, fans, or Jiwoo··· seeing them happy because of me was my joy.
If that joy was greater than the hardship, perhaps that’s why I could endure even when it was hard.
The examiner nods.
“That kept making you move forward.”
“···Yes.”
At first, it pushed me from behind··· and at some point, it started pulling me from the front.
Thanks to that, I could only go forward.
“Then what is your biggest worry these days?”
“My biggest worry······”
I fall into thought for a moment.
Actually, it’s clear.
“Whether I can perform as well as expected···”
The pressure of having to perform worth 200 billion won.
It would be a lie to say there isn’t.
There’s nothing else.
“Still, it’s fortunate that your temperament is being expressed in a good direction. Actually, that’s obvious. Because that’s why you’ve succeeded.”
Tap, tap.
The examiner, who had neatly organized the stack of papers, takes off his glasses and speaks.
“Still, it’s a temperament that inevitably suffers from severe stress. You need something to vent. Do you have any hobbies? Of course, excluding soccer.”
Hobbies··· I shake my head.
There’s nothing left if you exclude soccer.
“I hope you find one. Even something trivial is fine. If possible, a light hobby you can do without thinking would be good. For example, something like going for a drive.”
“···I was already planning to get a driver’s license.”
“Very good,” the examiner smiles along with that answer.
“The test results are used by the team as reference for player management. All staff will be attentive to your care, so you’ll be able to focus comfortably on soccer alone. Especially, the coach will probably understand you well. The coach is also someone with the exact same temperament as you.”
“···Really?”
The examiner nods at my question.
When I make a somewhat surprised expression, the examiner says.
“He’s a born perfectionist. Both the coach and you. You two completely understand each other.”
A perfectionist.
Just hearing it makes it feel so grandiose that I want to shake my head.
But thinking about it, a perfectionist doesn’t mean a perfect person, but someone who wants to become perfect, doesn’t it?
Thinking that way, it doesn’t seem wrong.
A person struggling because they want to be perfect.
Perhaps this is the one sentence that describes me best.
···I don’t know, but the coach must have had quite a hard time too. If he’s the same as me.
· · ·
Can a perfect person exist in this world?
Well.
Depending on the definition of perfection, some might say yes, and some might say no.
My thought is this.
They don’t exist.
I don’t think a perfect person can exist in this world.
What is perfection in the first place?
Doesn’t it mean something without any flaws?
There is no person without flaws.
No matter how perfect someone seems, there is always something they can’t do.
Perhaps the premise itself is wrong.
It’s not that there are no people without flaws; if you’re human, you have flaws.
Having flaws is what makes you human; without flaws, that isn’t human.
The only reason I’m not perfect is because of that.···It has to be that way.
“Wow, is this for real?”
While sighing as I looked at the computer screen, a mischievous voice from beside me makes my sigh deepen.
On the computer screen, the word “Fail” is displayed in huge letters.
“How did you fail this? It was just common sense questions.”
“···Shut up.”
“So there’s something you can’t do too. Wow, oh my. This is a bit much even so.”
“I said it’s noisy.”
Go away.
Because of Jiwoo’s voice ringing in my ears more than usual today, I quickly close the window.
···It’s nothing else.
I had just taken the online written test for a driver’s license.
I had studied all day yesterday for this.
As I just saw, the result was a fail.
I don’t know why it’s a fail, but it seems I unfortunately failed by one question··· no, about two questions.···Or maybe three?
Anyway, well, people can’t be good at everything anyway.
I can accept this, but there’s a separate problem.
Jiwoo passed.
“How about it, should noona help you study? Want me to give you some targeted private tutoring? Just trust me. I’ll get you a perfect score.”
“I don’t need it···”
“You don’t need it? You look like you do. Aren’t you going to get a license?”
“···I’ll pass next time for sure, so it’s fine.”
I realize with a start.
I should have either not said I’d pass for sure, or wished that Jiwoo had failed with me.
My head already hurts thinking about how much he’ll tease me with this.
He’ll probably tease me every time I drive for the rest of my life.
If I even try to drive, he’ll probably say from beside me:
‘I’m nervous, so you better buckle up tight.’
“Tsk, I don’t think you’ll pass. Right?”
“···If I can’t, I’ll just not get one.”
“Huh? Then what? You won’t drive from now on? You gonna bother the driver every commute?”
···That’s not it though.
Does Dad have to be the only one who drives?
“···You can do it.”
“Me?”
“You said it was easy. If it’s easy, you do it. I’ll make sure to bother you every commute from now on.”
If you’re not going to do that, just go away.
I wave my hand dismissively as I speak, but Jiwoo puts a finger to his lips and tilts his head.
“That sounds rather nice?”
“···”
···What does he mean, rather nice?
Anyway, he never loses. Not even once.
“···.”
But thinking about it, it’s funny that even I think it might actually be rather nice.
Hmm······.