114. I Hate Rubber Shoes -2
June 19, 2022.
Somewhere on the road connecting Florence and Viareggio, a coastal city on the western Italian peninsula.
"···"
Sitting in the car speeding down that road, I quietly gazed out the window.
On the refreshingly open road, Dad's beloved car was finally unleashing its racing instincts again.
Because of that, the scenery outside the window changed from moment to moment.
At times, mountains brimming with blue would come into view, only for vast fields to appear soon after, and occasionally small villages would reveal themselves, stirring my curiosity.
Truly a varied landscape.
"···If you're sleepy, sleep. You must be tired."
"I'm fine."
"I'm telling you, you can really sleep. Don't you trust Dad?"
"···I can't sleep."
"Goodness. The captain must have taught you proper passenger seat manners. All right."
I had been looking out the window with a comfortable, blank mind, but Dad, gripping the steering wheel, misunderstood me in some strange way and chuckled.
I really wasn't sleeping simply because I wasn't sleepy.
Well··· seeing Jiu sleeping soundly in the back seat, he would definitely bug me tonight about not being able to sleep, so I did wonder if I should get some shut-eye now, but···
The scenery outside was so beautiful it would be a waste to close my eyes, so I decided to keep my gaze trained outside a little longer to savor the moment.
If Jiu bugs me tonight··· I'll just play along appropriately, I guess.
"···"
Before I knew it, the scenery outside had shifted from blue mountains to fields where cows were grazing.
···Were cows always such big animals?
I suddenly realized that this was the first time I'd actually seen a cow, one of the more familiar animals, and I was newly amazed.
Come to think of it, the world is so vast, and I couldn't help but wonder if I wasn't living my life having seen only an extremely small fraction of that vast world.
A memory from the past suddenly surfaced.
The day I'd gone over to Jiu's house for the first time and spent the night.
Crouched in the attic, looking up at the stars in the night sky, Jiu had suddenly said something like this.
—Hey. You know how big the universe is? Earth is huge too, right? But apparently, compared to the universe, Earth isn't even the size of a speck of dust. So us, who are nothing but dust compared to that Earth, are dust among dust.
Thinking about it now, it wasn't a big deal at all, but I could still picture Jiu speaking as if he'd made some grand discovery.
The reason I still remember that trivial talk so vividly is because what he said next felt quite fresh to me at the time.
—Doesn't thinking like that make your worries disappear? We're just dust. What's the point of worrying and stressing when we're just dust? No matter what, we're still dust. That's why I like looking at the stars. The reason might be a bit weird, but still, the worries disappear, right?
In the end, compared to the universe, we are dust.
I don't know why those words sounded so fascinating back then.
To be honest, I'd even inwardly marveled at how smart Jiu was.
Anyway, the strange thing was that when I thought like that while looking at the stars, I somehow felt my worries disappear too.
How should I put it?
Compared to that massive universe, I was nothing but dust, so the worries and concerns I had felt like nothing, not even dust.
Of course, it didn't last long.
Perhaps because I was in a situation where I couldn't escape the dust bin no matter how much I looked at the stars, I ultimately couldn't break free from worry and concern.
Still, when my chest felt truly suffocated, looking up at the sky had helped a little.
"···"
The sight of cows grazing and wagging their tails in the blue fields was incredibly peaceful.
Do they have worries too?
Judging by their expressions, probably not.
Is it because they live their lives always facing the vastness of nature?
Looking out at that wide field, I felt like I didn't need to overcomplicate things with worries either.
What is there to be afraid of?
We're just dust anyway, so I should just live doing what I want.
*
Sitting on the terrace where a damp wind blew, I looked out at the sea reflecting the red sunset.
Oh my.
Maybe because it was the western sea, but I'd never seen such an intense sunset before.
So that's why the room with the ocean view option cost twice as much.
It was scenery worth that price.
"Ah, this is nice."
Jiu, lying on the sunbed, conveyed his current mood with a thoroughly drawn-out voice.
We'd finally come to the beach, yet he made a fuss with long sleeves and a wide-brimmed hat because he hated getting a tan.
The place we'd come to for this overnight trip was Viareggio, about an hour and a half by car from Florence.
Dad had said it was the place Florentines visited most as a resort because it was close.
Anyway, the reason we'd come here was partly because I wanted to get some fresh air and clear my head for a bit.
And despite my saying it wasn't necessary, after Jiu insisted and insisted··· there was also the purpose of celebrating my birthday.
Just what is a birthday anyway that we have to do something special for it?
"Isn't this really nice? Right? It's been so long since I've seen the sea, it feels like my chest is wide open. Right?"
At Jiu's demand for agreement, I stuck my lips out.
Anyway, if you're going to do something for me, shouldn't the birthday person's opinion be reflected the most?
But somehow, none of my opinions were reflected at all.
The idea of going to see the sea for an overnight trip, and choosing this place as the destination—it was all Jiu's opinion.
I hadn't decided on a single thing, so in reality, it was practically no different from being dragged here.
I was in my usual slippers and tracksuit, while Jiu was dressed unmistakably like someone on vacation—anyone could see that.
"······Answer me."
"···It's nice."
···Hmm.
Well, maybe that's why it's a gift.
Because gifts are things that other people give you, after all.
At Jiu's frosty voice, I put my protruding lips back in and answered, and Jiu looked back at the sea with a bright smile again.
Well··· it is nice.
It wasn't forced agreement out of fear; looking at the sea like this, my chest really did feel wide open, and it was genuinely nice.
Come to think of it, it's a bit fascinating.
Jiu and I are almost polar opposites in personality, but our tastes are surprisingly similar.
The sea over the mountains.
Meat over seafood.
Lolling around at home or in the hotel rather than wandering around here and there.
Well, we've known each other since we were young, after all.
Maybe we naturally came to like similar things.
"Wow, time flies. Once it passes midnight, our Jian will already be seventeen?"
"···What are you on about."
"I'm telling you this as your life senior, but from seventeen on, things get tough. It's not like before. Take good care of your health, too."
What kind of "life senior" is he, with just a few months' difference?
I burst out laughing at the absurd remark, and Jiu giggled along too.
Then, both of us fell silent and looked at the sea for a moment.
Sitting like this, I wondered if anything more was needed.
Lying comfortably, feeling the sea breeze, watching the sun set over the ocean—with Jiu beside me and Dad behind me.
Like the vast sea filling my eyes, my heart felt as wide as the ocean for no reason.
Trivial worries disappeared, and everything grew calm.
I said to Jiu,
"···Hey."
"What?"
"Where's my gift?"
"Gift? It's right here."
At the words "right here," I turned my head to see Jiu cupping his chin in his hands and grinning away.
"···."
At that sight, I fixed my expression and stared at Jiu.
Staring at him like that, Jiu soon put on an awkward expression and clicked his tongue in annoyance.
"You don't have to make that face··· Hey, of course I prepared one."
"···What is it?"
"When it hits midnight later. It's not your birthday yet, is it?"
"Hmph."
I shrugged and turned my head back.
Honestly, I didn't really need a gift or anything.
But if he was giving me one, I wasn't about to refuse.
*
"Jian. I, well, I just got a call from the agent."
"Yes."
"They say the other side accepted it. I thought it probably wouldn't work out, but it seems things went well somehow."
"Your agent really seems capable. Well, with that voice of his and all."
"Right."
"Don't worry about all the trivial stuff now. Just relax."
"···Yes."
A few days ago, I'd had a frank talk with Dad about the national team call-up.
Honestly, it's like that with everyone, but I'd especially never really laid bare my honest feelings to Dad, so I'd had to muster my courage.
Anyway, I told him exactly what I was thinking.
That I wished I could have a little more time to think about myself.
That going back and forth to Korea right now seemed too difficult.
It was a confession that I hadn't yet become an adult.
So I was deeply ashamed.
I felt like I'd become a real coward, a selfish person who only thought of himself.
No, it wasn't that I just felt like it.
Because it was the truth.
In front of Dad, I'd thrown a tantrum like a child who didn't want to go to school—exactly like a child.
Fortunately, Dad hadn't said a word and had simply nodded.
And he'd said he would discuss it well with the agent and convey my opinion.
Actually, I'd heard from the agent that refusing a national team call-up for personal reasons was a difficult thing.
Unless it was a tournament without mandatory call-up duties, or due to injury and such.
It wasn't something you could just not go to because you didn't want to, like in my case.
However, the agent had said he would convey my opinion accurately and talk it through properly, so I should wait.
And just now, hearing Dad's words, it seemed things had gone well.
I'd have to ask separately how it was worked out, but···
Suddenly, I felt as though I could hear the agent's hoarse voice in my ears—a voice rough enough to have swallowed a train whistle.
"Jian."
"Yes."
Dad, who'd been busy because of me for no reason, now sat down in front of me as if finally letting out a sigh of relief.
Dad pressed his lips into a smile, placed a hand on my shoulder, and said,
"Whatever it is, as long as you don't end up with regrets. As long as you don't cause harm to others, in the end, living while doing what you want is the right answer."
At his rather serious voice, I simply nodded instead of answering.
Then Dad nodded back at me.
I wished I could become an adult like Dad quickly.
For a brat barely celebrating his seventeenth birthday, it seemed like a long road still ahead.
*
As evening grew late, we had dinner at the hotel restaurant and then went out for a brief walk.
We walked along the beach enjoying the night sea, and I was glad there were fewer people than I'd expected.
Come to think of it, since it wasn't quite peak summer yet, it wasn't like everyone else was on vacation just because I, a football player, was on holiday.
Thanks to that, the night walk was quite cozy.
And back at the lodging, we had a snack party.
Dad had a can of beer, and Jiu tried to sneak a sip but got caught red-handed by me.
I suddenly tried to imagine a drunk Jiu, but I was sure I wouldn't be able to handle it.
Anyway.
After that, we turned off the lights early and each lay down in bed.
Naturally, I'd expected Jiu to whine about whether I was already sleeping, so it was a bit unexpected that he lay down obediently, but···
Anyway, I was relieved that I wouldn't be bothered late into the night as I'd worried.
"···."
···Hmm.
But why couldn't I fall asleep?
It seemed like quite a while since I'd turned off the lights and lain down, yet my mind was wide awake.
Why?
I didn't even take a nap···
···Damn.
Actually, I know.
Why my eyes are wide open.
He said he'd give me one.
At midnight, a gift.
If I fell asleep after that, what would that make me?
I didn't even ask for it, yet I felt like I'd been expecting it on my own for no reason, and my mouth stretched so wide it felt like it would touch the ceiling.
If he said he'd give it, he should keep his promise, right?
A promise···
···Sigh. Forget it.
I should just sleep.
I wasn't even expecting anything in the first place.
I don't even need a gift.
"···"
Just as I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, still pouting like that.
Rustle—
At the rustling sound coming from the bed across the way, I closed my eyes and perked up only my ears.
If it's the next bed over, it's Jiu.
Hmm.
Maybe he's going to the bathroom.
"···"
But the presence I sensed from the bed across didn't head toward the bathroom.
It kept rustling about, as if rummaging for something.
As the sound grew louder, I pulled my blanket tight so no light would escape and checked the time on my phone.
···It was 11:58.
Good grief···
It's so absurd I almost laughed.
···If, just if, this was an attempt to surprise me.
I'd pretend to just wake up from sleep without any expectations.