Chapter 107
──────
Tenant I
Shin Noah
1
There is a question that has plagued me for a very long time.
'How should I build a hideout to be told I've built it well?'
A hideout. My own secret base.
As everyone knows, I have a certain trauma.
It was the incident in the 89th iteration when my headquarters was wiped out in a single blow by a pink-haired alien named Goyori.
Since then, in one corner of my skull, Goyori's ASMR full voice echoed endlessly: 'A hideout that got swept away by a single brainwashing hypnosis beam ♡ A pathetic infinite regressor who got wrecked despite being one ♡ Hideout heup-seop ♡'
Of course, it was impossible that Goyori actually spoke in such a manner. If the person in question learned of my trauma, she would tilt her head and go '?'. It meant the mental wound was severe enough to cause such hallucinations.
Countermeasures were desperately needed.
Therefore, today's story shall be an episode about my sweet home.
2
Though I haven't directly mentioned it to you until now, I have actually explored my own El Dorado across numerous iterations.
The types of utopia varied.
I tried outfitting a ultra-luxury yacht into a mobile maritime fortress, and I also tried settling down on a deserted island.
High-rise buildings, underground bunkers, subway lines, train guns, and so on—you can assume I've experienced every form of 'hideout' that people could generally imagine.
But for some reason, no hideout ever 100% satisfied my aesthetic standards.
2%. It was always lacking by 2%.
"Oppa's standards. Too high."
The Doll Master Lee Hayul grumbled.
Of course, her own lips were firmly shut. She merely spoke through her maid marionette that she always carried around.
As the daughter of a history's worst traitor (former Mayor of Busan), Lee Hayul had the talent of pulling puppet strings from beneath her fingernails.
Lee Hayul's puppet strings were worthy of being called the superconductor of the aura world, capable of transmitting aura to the very ends of the strings with almost no loss. This miraculous superconductor was quite useful for hideout security.
Lee Hayul's cooperation was not optional but essential in building an impregnable hideout.
Not only me, but Noh Doha and Cheon Yohwa also always employed Lee Hayul when renovating their headquarters' buildings.
Yet even such an expert showed hesitation at my requests as the building owner.
"Tell me. Without lies. What is an ideal guild building to Oppa?"
"First, obviously, it must be able to withstand physical shocks from outside for an extended period."
"Like an underground bunker?"
Lee Hayul nodded.
"Possible. Something any Guild Master would want. What else?"
"It would be nice if we could sufficiently handle outsiders who intrude by means other than physical force."
"Possible. Just make entry itself difficult. Like a labyrinth."
"But at the same time, guild members must be able to deploy quickly. There need to be many secret passages."
"……?"
"And I have no intention of imposing harsh living conditions on my guild members. At the very least, they should always be able to live more abundantly than other guilds. For instance, if they want to take a walk by the Han River, they should be able to do so immediately, and if possible, the view should be nice too."
"……."
Lee Hayul closed her notebook. Then looked up at me with golden eyes.
"Oppa. Where did your conscience go?"
It was certainly a conscienceless demand.
To completely block the invasion of the alien named Goyori, perfect security was necessary.
However, security and convenience were difficult to coexist beyond a certain level. You can't expect 5-star hotel room service on a nuclear submarine, can you?
But if I were to just treat Goyori as if she didn't exist—Ah! Inside my head! The pink voice inside my head! Iä! Iä! Become one, Guild Master!
In the end, days plagued by echoes at the level of the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra's chorus continued.
Then one day in the 196th iteration.
I was sitting despondently by the Han River with a table set up, blankly staring at the water.
That's when, from far away, a man I'd never seen before came dragging a mountain bike. Two pistols at his waist. A backpack and rifle on his back. It was the latest fashion trending in the apocalypse.
"Huh……? Is this not the place?"
The bicycle man stopped about 600 meters away and looked around.
"Strange. SG Net clearly said it was here……."
The word SG Net caught my interest.
At this time, I had completely given up on security and built my hideout under the Han River. It was near the convenience store where I first met the Saintess.
And in the vicinity, except for my hideout, there was absolutely nothing that could be called a proper building. Because of the Void of Gangnam that had swallowed most of the area south of the Han River along with the old man Sho's wife—the so-called 'Seoul Summer' incident.
In other words, the place the bicycle man was looking for was in all likelihood my guild hideout. As the person involved, I had no choice but to question his intentions.
"What brings you here?"
"Waaah!"
The bicycle man jumped in fright. I had hidden my presence and spoken from behind.
The man reflexively fumbled for his rifle but soon let go, apparently judging it would only provoke this side.
"Ah. Well, no, I heard a rumor that there's a cafe with amazing coffee nearby……."
"A rumor?"
"Yes. Um, do you know SG Net? I'm an Awakened. I heard on SG Net that if you follow the Han River, there's a famous cafe……. This is the only place that looks like a proper building no matter how I look."
"A famous cafe?"
I tilted my head.
…It was a fact I would learn later by searching SG Net directly, but the person who triggered this incident was none other than Dang Seorin, Cheon Yohwa, and others.
It was because they had performed what's called 'Beatic-posting' on the bulletin board.
-[Baekhwa]HighSchool4thYear: Hoeh >_<)! Cream latte drunk while looking at the Han River is the most delicious in the world >_<)!!
(Verification shot. A pose of toasting toward the Han River with a cream latte cup held in her left hand, without her face)
-[Samcheon]WitchTrialJudge: In such times, the preciousness of being able to taste coffee more flavorful than before the world was ruined. The magical autumn.
(Verification shot. A photo with only a witch hat and coffee cup placed on the table with the Han River as background)
Sometimes Dang Seorin or Cheon Yohwa came to play at my hideout. Each time, I, whose hobby was playing barista, naturally served them coffee.
Because they competitively posted verification shots on SG Net, a rumor spread that 'There's an amazingly delicious cafe in Gangnam!'
-GoryeoJang: MorningCoffee.jpeg
And the finishing blow was delivered by my direct guild member 'Bird Drinking Aggro'.
-GoryeoJang: If I don't supplement caffeine in the morning, I really have no energy.
-GoryeoJang: Today's CafeMocha.png
-GoryeoJang: If there's any punk so hard up they can't even drink coffee, they're probably not on SG Net, right? If there are, you're lowering the class of the bulletin board so please commit suicide urgentlyㅇㅇ…….
-GoryeoJang: This hyung's personal barista skills.jpg
As the composition of the verification photos Sim Aryeon posted almost every day strangely overlapped with Dang Seorin and Cheon Yohwa's verification shots, credibility regarding the 'Gangnam Cafe's' actual existence rose among SG Net users.
Our bicycle man had been hooked by this and come all the way from Gangwon Province to Seoul.
"There's no cafe around here. As you know, properly operating shops in Gangnam have been wiped out now. There is the Tower of Sauron over there, but that's a Void."
"Ah……. I see."
The bicycle man's expression darkened.
He looked to be just in his early 20s.
I smiled.
"Still, if it's coffee, I know how to brew a little. This is a connection too, so how about having a cup before you go?"
"Huh?"
At first the bicycle man declined, but when I urged him again, he accepted without hiding his joy.
The result.
"Wow, really……. It's delicious. Woah, Boss. I think this is way tastier than that Gangnam cafe……?"
"Thank you."
"Wow, I really enjoyed it! Sir! Thank you!"
"Not at all. If you happen to obtain coffee beans, come find me anytime. I'll brew it for you then too."
"Aah. Thank you so much……!"
The bicycle man tried to give me bullets or emergency rations as thanks, but I politely declined. Actually, from my position, they were supplies I barely needed.
The bicycle man fidgeted restlessly, then left while bowing his head toward me several times even after getting on his bicycle.
Vroom- The bicycle slid over the asphalt road scratched up here and there.
Watching the bicycle man's back from afar, I suddenly realized that today's unexpected encounter was unexpectedly quite enjoyable.
"Ah."
At that moment, enlightenment came.
What form of hideout I wanted, why the hideouts I had tried variously until now were always unsatisfying.
'A cafe. It's a cafe!'
That's right.
I had always wanted to run a cafe.
Passion burned in the heart of the regressor for the first time in a long while.
2
"Oppa. So you're saying you want to combine a cafe with the guild hideout building?"
"Yes. A cafe-type hideout, so to speak."
"What is that, you chuunibyou?"
Lee Hayul didn't understand my idea at all. But I wasn't disappointed.
By nature, pioneers are always scorned by the ignorant masses.
The cafe I was trying to create was a type that had never existed in world history. The design could only be born from my fingertips from start to finish.
"Your gaze is unpleasant. A cafe is a shop. For a shop, accessibility is everything. Do you agree?"
"Hmm."
"What Oppa wants is physical force. Plus, security that won't fall even to mental-brainwashing type anomalies. So I have to question. How? Run a cafe and hideout? At the same time?"
"My. Hayul. You're too trapped in fixed ideas. In today's world where anomalies and Voids run rampant, you shouldn't insist only on such archaic approaches."
…I'll tell you a secret. Sometimes when Noh Doha unnie drinks, she calls me to badmouth Oppa. For 3 hours straight."
"……?"
"Her drinking habit is annoying…… But lately, I think I understand how she feels."
"……?"
I ignored the absurd slander and brought out the solution.
"If we use anomalies, we can kill two birds with one stone."
"Anomalies?"
Lee Hayul blinked.
"Use them? …How?"
Like this.
That day, I immediately took Hayul and went down to Busan. Off the coast of Busan, traces of the Korea-Japan Undersea Tunnel, or rather, the last remnants of the Inunaki Tunnel still remained.
The Inunaki Tunnel. This anomaly was precisely the master key that would allow achieving both cafe and hideout, accessibility and security.
Click. First, I took a photo of the undersea tunnel entrance with a spiritual camera.
-Come back already. This is your 57th time.
It was a photo I took after a long time, but the Inunaki Tunnel continued to update the count of encounters with me.
Though I didn't understand the principle, I could judge that a 'continuous relationship' was being formed.
Then wouldn't communication be possible too?
"Can you understand my speech?"
Click. After throwing out a question in voice, I took another photo.
-Come back already. This is your 57th time.
Unfortunately, there was no change in the spiritual photograph.
I attempted communication again.
"Inunaki. If you understand my speech, leave a different mark at the tunnel entrance. I have an interesting proposal for you."
Click.
-Come back already. This is your 57th time?
"Hmm."
General communication failed.
No matter how much some anomalies seemed to use language like humans, they didn't actually think like humans.
But who am I? The infinite regressor who succeeded in breeding horses in the Void and giving birth to dinosaurs in the 380th iteration.
"…Oppa. I'm really curious so I'll ask. Why are you suddenly making giant dumplings?"
"Wait and see. It's all a highly designed operation."
From that day on, I set out to find a way to communicate with the Inunaki Tunnel.
Day 1. Seeing how it killed magical girls, it seemed to abnormally prefer human skulls, so like Zhuge Liang did with the Nanman, I filled dumpling skins tightly with meat and offered them in front of the tunnel.
(No reaction)
Day 3. Wondering if it didn't like skulls but rather its secret hobby was tearing human bodies to shreds, I prepared human body dolls and gave them.
(I deliberately placed them deep in the tunnel, and the next day they were vomited out at the entrance outside. Effect confirmed.)
Day 5. I had the realization—maybe its taste is magical girls? I collected pre-apocalypse magical girl figures and decorated them in the middle of the tunnel.
(Torn to shreds and sprayed out toward the tunnel entrance. Communication success.)
"See! There's a response! Hayul! Anomalies have their own communication methods, and we humans can discover them!"
"...No, it just seems angry."
Day 10. Since the 'magical girl figure strategy' worked, this time I brought in a load of old magical girl series posters. The Magical Girl Association actively cooperated. I plastered the posters all over the tunnel walls.
(As soon as the posters were put up, the graffiti came alive and tore them apart. Real-time communication success. The Saintess stopped me after watching the process.)
Day 17. I requested cooperation from the National Road Management Authority and used death row inmates to continue plastering magical girl posters. Also, after recording magical girl anime OSTs, I played them through radios at the tunnel entrance, midpoint, exit, and 13 other locations.
(Graffiti all over the tunnel writhed. Noh Doha hated it.)
Day 25. While carrying out previous operations simultaneously, I requested cooperation from Baekhwa Guild Master Cheon Yohwa. Released the Night Parade of One Hundred Demons into the tunnel.
(Flooding was observed in various parts of the undersea tunnel. The graffiti didn't just writhe but moved fiercely as if screaming. Cheon Yohwa hated it.)
Day 30. Finally, a change was observed in the letters carved on the stone wall at the tunnel entrance.
-Don't come(来るな).
-Go back(帰れ).
I was excited by this great progress.
Of course, it was difficult to say the anomaly understood the semantic meaning of language. But it seemed to at least remember what kind of reaction humans showed when certain words were manifested.
The reason the sounds 'Help me!' 'Save me!' were heard most often and most frequently from the Void was the same. It had learned that those words were effective in luring humans.
Click. The spiritual photograph manifested numerous languages besides 'Don't come' and 'Go back.'
'Bad person' 'Noise pollution' 'Why?' 'Die' 'Nuisance' 'Incomprehensible' 'Curse' 'Stop' 'Loud' 'Hate' and so on.
What a brilliant discovery this was.
There was value in pursuing communication with the Inunaki Tunnel even while receiving looks of contempt from numerous people.
Then couldn't we develop the communication method even further here?
The Inunaki Tunnel was an anomaly born in Japan. And in Japanese, like Korean, there existed a culture of honorifics.
Even in privately making friends, not forgetting the single character of etiquette (禮) was a virtue of East Asia.
Day 60. I increased the number of posters attached to the tunnel walls by 15 times and extended the anime song infinite viewing to 24 hours.
The Magical Girl Association expressed difficulty saying they had no more poster reserves to export, but I never underestimated the potential of the Japanese archipelago. Since the Iwami Ginto Silver Mine ran out of silver, the main export of the Japanese archipelands had been otaku culture.
I mobilized not only death row inmates but all general prisoners to plaster the tunnel. No matter how much Inunaki tried to tear up the posters, it was useless. Humans put up posters faster.
The undersea tunnel connecting Korea and Japan was now, so to speak, decorated with such otaku power that it could be considered a Comic Market site.
(Lee Hayul, Noh Doha, the Saintess, and Cheon Yohwa came together to request the termination of this operation.)
Day 70. The anime song radios placed throughout the tunnel were destroyed. I requested cooperation from the Magical Girl Association again and held a magical girl concert in the middle of the tunnel. Live music on a different dimension from recorded quality echoed grandly from the undersea.
(Manmyo and Heosugeom hated it.)
Day 77.
The writing at the entrance changed.
-Please don't come(来ないでください).
-Please go back(帰ってください).
-I'll do anything(何でもするから).
-Please, I beg you(お願いします).
I trembled.
Finally, East Asian etiquette had been imprinted on the anomaly as well. Now I was certain that the other party was worth having serious friendly relations with.
"Hayul. You waited a long time. I've finally succeeded in persuading the Inunaki Tunnel. Now I can create a hideout with perfect security."
"Sorry. Can I work tomorrow? I have dinner plans with Noh Doha unnie today. Drinking plans."
"Of course. Have a good time!"
"……."
Next iteration.
At the entrance of the Inunaki Tunnel, instead of messy graffiti, a neat sign hung.
[Cafe Hideout]
[New Opening Coming Soon!]