"There really aren't any other problems, right?"
"Yes, Mother. Seo-yeon is fine. If anything, she has a very sturdy mind."
"Th-Thank goodness."
A few days after the first shoot.
Mom took me straight to a psychiatric hospital.
She said it was nominally for stress management, but I could roughly guess the reason.
'It must be because of what I heard last time.'
The words of Actress Kim Mi-yeon, who filmed with me in the previous CF commercial.
On top of that, it seemed Actress Jung Eun-seon's words this time also weighed heavily on her mind.
I could roughly guess what Mom and Actress Jung Eun-seon talked about with Director Kong Jung-tae based on the things that had happened so far.
'It's because of the emotional acting, I suppose.'
As I walked holding Mom's hand, I saw my face reflected in the window.
The face of a cute girl.
Six years.
No, it's the appearance of 'me' who will soon turn seven.
'Actress Jung Eun-seon doesn't like my acting.'
I don't think it's because she hates me.
She is someone with the mindset of 'children should act like children,' as people often say.
'Refrain from emotional acting as much as possible when you're young, and do it after you're mentally mature.'
I think that was probably Actress Jung Eun-seon's intention.
It's not wrong.
There's no need to force deep emotional acting during one's child actor days.
Riding the surface flow of emotions is enough; in fact, even that is more than enough.
I am not an idiot.
I obviously know how people view my acting.
In particular, Eun-seon might have thought my acting was precarious.
Of course, I have never considered this acting.
Because this was merely an act close to everyday life for me in my past life.
To put it, well.
This is related to my past life.
Alexithymia.
It is a disease where one cannot properly feel the emotions of others or properly express oneself.
It is slightly different from what is commonly called sociopathy or psychopathy.
The fact that I didn't have a good relationship with my parents in my past life.
And the fact that my period of unemployment was long was ultimately because of this.
Therefore, I was forced to be normal from childhood.
I must not be special.
Laugh when happy, cry when sad, just like ordinary people.
I had to learn each of those emotions one by one.
Mimicking emotions.
To do that, I consumed many forms of media.
Movies, dramas, books, web novels, games.
Things where human emotions appeared vividly.
So I could naturally blend into the crowd and live.
For quite a long time, I lived only for that.
Still, I think I was lucky.
Because people with the same disease as me usually say even this is impossible.
It was to the point where even the doctor said this was their first time seeing such a case.
"Mom, I got a job."
When I was able to spit out those words with a smile.
I was able to express the same emotions as others.
"Yeah, see, you can do it."
My mom smiled and hugged me.
But even then, I didn't understand that emotion.
I think my emotion mimicking is different from acting.
Simply imitating emotions can create a sense of incongruity.
Reaching the so-called 'uncanny valley' makes people even more repulsed.
However, I had subtly crossed that boundary.
A fake emotion endlessly close to a real emotion.
I lived in such a world.
A gray that was neither dark nor white.
An ashen world.
What I happened to see while living in such an ashen world was a VTuber's stream.
At first, I couldn't understand why people watched such things.
People liking a drawing, not even a human.
But when that VTuber did something, people liked it together.
They praised her, and they looked incredibly happy.
Probably from then on.
Because I was working, I couldn't watch it every time, but I always watched it when I had time.
A virtual mask made of 3D or illustrations where human emotions aren't exposed.
With that, maybe I could look like a normal person too.
I had thought so.
"Joo Seo-yeon."
When I raised my head, I saw the face of a mischievous girl.
"What are you doing here all by yourself? Aren't you coming quickly?"
Lee Ji-yeon said with her arms crossed and a very cheeky attitude.
Sometimes I wonder if she's really six years old.
"I'm going."
"Hmph."
Ji-yeon looked me up and down.
And then stared at the giant water tank behind me.
"Waiting for the beluga?"
At those words, I glanced behind me.
Today, I had come to the aquarium for a kindergarten field trip.
The sight of countless fish swimming in the giant tank could be called a magnificent spectacle.
"Then why are you here?"
"I."
Ji-yeon hesitated for a moment before speaking.
"I came to find a lost child. You, right. I mean you."
'She got lost.'
It seemed like an announcement to find a lost child would soon play in the aquarium.
Of course, that included me.
"What, don't laugh! It's true!"
I let out a chuckle at Ji-yeon's words and turned my head back to the tank.
Laughing.
It's a trivial action, but to me, it's a very unfamiliar act.
Actually, for quite a long time after I was born, I didn't know what had changed about myself.
I became a girl.
What a cute child, I thought, looking at it from a somewhat detached perspective.
I didn't think deeply about it.
Because I didn't know how to do anything beyond that.
That is still mostly the same now.
Well, I never tried to adapt in the first place.
Naturally, I lived thinking of my body as the same as in my past life.
I kept feeling like something was different, but maybe I unconsciously rejected it.
...How truly foolish.
The moment I became self-aware of it was around when I started acting.
Naturally, this body feels emotions perfectly fine.
There is no disease; it's a very sturdy and healthy body.
As expected, an invincible TS body.
So, to put it.
It means this thing called emotion is unfamiliar to me.
If I become conscious of it, I can't express it.
I don't want to show a fabricated appearance like in my past life.
A contradiction arises there.
Probably, Actress Kim Mi-yeon too.
And Actress Jung Eun-seon too.
They must have noticed this sense of disconnect in my emotions.
Both are actresses familiar with emotional acting.
They say Actress Jung Eun-seon's method acting ranks among the top three in South Korea.
Therefore, they must have noticed that my emotional state is currently very unstable.
Emotions are unfamiliar.
Facing them is scary.
My acting is closer to bringing over the everyday life of my past life.
Since it's experience accumulated over decades, it's natural it looks like acting I absolutely shouldn't be able to do at my age.
If 100 points were one emotion, what I can mimic is roughly around 95 to 98.
So if anyone sees it, it will look like emotional acting close to a perfect score.
But it's only close, not 100 points.
And, I am a child actor.
The required level is naturally low.
If I pull it off at a level far exceeding that, it's natural to be surprised.
However.
'The acting of the adult actors was, as expected, different.'
Everyone praised me as being better.
But, from what I could see, it wasn't.
Especially compared to Actress Kim Mi-yeon or Actress Jung Eun-seon whom I met before, there was no comparison.
Not 100, but 120.
Or above that.
Those who can deliver acting beyond what is demanded are the type commonly called 'acting powerhouses.'
If I grow up like this, even if I become an actress close to a hundred points, anything beyond that will be impossible.
Because as I age, the required level of acting will eventually rise as well.
My unchanging acting will inevitably stagnate.
"...An aquarium."
"What? Of course it's an aquarium, obviously."
"No, I mean my acting."
I look around.
The beautiful scenery of the aquarium reflected in my eyes.
A world mimicking the sea.
Even with such an imitation, one can make people marvel and move their emotions.
But compared to the real sea, it would be lacking, I suppose.
Roughly, that's what I mean.
"What are you talking about."
Ji-yeon said with a truly snotty attitude.
Of course, I didn't expect much from a six-year-old either.
I let out a "Hmph," crossed my arms, and smiled.
"Kids have it so easy."
"Mirror!"
"......"
For a moment, I couldn't find the words to refute Ji-yeon's 'Mirror.'
Because answering felt like losing somehow.
'Ah, whatever.'
I turned my gaze behind me.
At some point, the hiding white dolphin revealed itself.
It was this aquarium's popular star called the beluga.
As I reached out my hand toward the approaching beluga, its snout touched the glass wall.
'I should adapt.'
After visiting the hospital this time, I changed my mind upon seeing my worried mom.
I failed in my past life, but I had no intention of becoming the same this time.
And, the experiences of my past life remained in my soul.
This is surely a precious power of mine that no other actor can possess.
'And, for a desirable RP too!'
Didn't the VTuber I always watched say so too?
That you have to do everything with all your heart!
Until now, my goal was to be a VTuber.
Creating a virtual 'me' that my past self so desperately longed for.
Even now, it remains like a scar and hasn't changed much.
However.
There doesn't necessarily have to be only one thing I do with all my heart, right?
"Lee Ji-yeon."
"Yeah?"
With my back to the blue light streaming from the tank.
I said to Ji-yeon, who was blankly staring at the beluga.
"I."
Smiling confidently with a grin.
"I'm going to be an actress."
And a great actress loved by everyone, at that.
***
Kong Jung-tae had a headache.
After definitely hearing Actress Jung Eun-seon's words, he was troubled about how to guide Seo-yeon.
'But, couldn't it just be a simple worry?'
There aren't many complete child actors in the world just as Eun-seon wanted.
How many people can distinguish between emotional acting and simple surface acting and do both?
Besides, Seo-yeon had never struggled with acting so far.
So it should be fine...
"...If I say that, it'd be pretty trashy of me."
"Pardon?"
"......!!"
Kong Jung-tae startled and turned his body around.
There, Seo-yeon, who had changed her clothes at some point, was standing demurely.
"A-Ahem. Right, Miss Seo-yeon, no problems, right?"
"No. Hello, Director."
As always, Seo-yeon gave her cute belly-button greeting when she came to the set.
The staff always smiled with delight at her greeting.
'I definitely shouldn't push her too hard. Let's go easy, go easy.'
Thinking like that, he nodded repeatedly.
While he was soothing his complicated mind.
"You don't have to worry about my acting."
"......!"
Seo-yeon suddenly brought up such a thing.
'She heard me!'
Flustered, he tried to say something, but Seo-yeon had already bowed again and disappeared.
Her footsteps were lighter than usual.
"...Huh?"
Kong Jung-tae, looking at Seo-yeon's back, tilted his head.
He didn't know why.
But he felt like something about Seo-yeon had changed.