A time when I’d normally be asleep.
I opened my eyes even though Mom hadn’t woken me up.
Today of all days, I feel a sharp pain in my lower abdomen.
And below that, it’s damp and hot, unpleasant.
I carefully lifted the blanket.
Ah.
I’m fucked.
No.
If I had a dick, I wouldn’t be having my period.
Anyway, there was blood on my white blanket.
I had thought it would come someday.
But now that it had actually happened, it was confusing.
My body was dizzy and weak.
So the bloating, burning stomach, and indigestion since the day before yesterday were because of my period.
“Mom~”
I called for Mom.
It was still too early for her to be awake.
I tried calling again, but Mom was silent, perhaps still asleep.
In the end, I picked up my phone and called her.
She didn’t answer for a while, but on the third try, Mom picked up.
- Hello... -
“Mom, come to my room quickly.”
- Why are you calling in the middle of the night... -
“It’s 6 a.m. Anyway, hurry up and come to my room.”
- Goodness... -
Mom hung up and opened my door a short while later.
Mom spoke, unable to fully open her eyes because she was sleepy.
“Why...”
I pointed at the blanket I had lifted and said,
“Mom, look at this.”
“Huh?”
Mom looked at my blanket and said in a surprised voice,
“What, our daughter got her period?”
“Yeah. But I don’t know what to do right now.”
“First, take off your clothes and hurry up and wash. I’ll clean up here.”
“Okay.”
The fishy smell of blood felt so disgustingly nauseating.
I got up from bed and went into the bathroom to start showering.
Even the simple act of roughly washing my hair and rinsing my body with body wash drained my strength.
I suddenly felt depressed.
Sigh, my miserable fate.
Why on earth was I born a woman to suffer like this?
I washed as quickly as possible, but as I was drying the water with a towel, I felt something gushing out from below.
Ah.
I had painstakingly washed everything, but more menstrual blood came out.
I had no choice but to go back into the shower and wash off the blood.
Even after washing off the blood, it kept trickling out bit by bit.
I blocked it with toilet paper for now and called for Mom.
“Mom!! Come here for a second.”
Mom opened the bathroom door and poked her face in.
“What’s wrong, does it hurt a lot?”
“No, it just keeps bleeding no matter how much I wipe.”
Mom closed the bathroom door, went out, and returned with a new pair of panties with a sanitary pad already attached.
“Hurry up and wipe, then put these on.”
“Okay.”
I washed again, quickly put on the panties, and came out.
Ugh, I’m drained.
Now I understand why girls suddenly cry when they get their first period.
Even someone like me who knows exactly what a period is is this confused; kids must have it even worse.
“Are you okay?”
Mom brought tea to me, where I was sitting slumped on the sofa.
“This is chamomile tea. If you drink it, you’ll feel a bit better.”
“Okay.”
Mom looked at me with worried eyes as I frowned and said,
“Does it hurt a lot?”
“No, it’s bearable.”
“You should rest today instead of going to practice.”
It was summer vacation, so I didn’t have to go to school, but I still had to go to the company to practice.
“No, I’ll just go to work. The monthly evaluation is soon, so I have to go.”
“Just rest for one day. The teachers there will understand if I tell them.”
“This month’s evaluation is a group stage assessment, so I want to just go.”
I didn’t want to cause trouble for my teammates because of me.
“Will you be okay?”
“Yeah, I feel a bit better after drinking the tea Mom gave me. If it hurts more, I’ll just take some painkillers.”
“If you can’t stand it, just tell them and come home.”
“Okay.”
“But daughter.”
“Huh?”
Mom reached out and put her hand on my chest.
I was startled and swatted Mom’s hand away, then crossed my arms.
“Ah! What are you doing!”
“Oh, my daughter~”
I was already confused, so I was surprised when she suddenly touched my chest.
“I saw you showering earlier and thought your chest had grown a bit, but they’ve grown a lot?”
Ah.
“Wasn’t it uncomfortable when you danced?”
“It was a little uncomfortable.”
Lately, while dancing, there had been a feeling of them jiggling and chafing.
“I need to go buy underwear with Mom on our day off.”
I raised my hand and placed it on my chest.
“Hmm. They really have gotten a bit bigger?”
“They usually get bigger during your period.”
I reached out again and placed my hand on Mom’s chest.
The mass felt similar.
“I’ll surpass you soon.”
I touched a nerve with Mom, and she flew into a rage.
“Ha! When Mom gets her period, they’re way bigger than this! When Mom has her period, I’m a B! A B!”
I looked at Mom with doubtful eyes and said,
“If that’s a B, then the average Korean woman is a B.”
“Hey!”
At least Mom didn’t raise a hand to me since I was on my period.
.
.
.
Enduring the stomach cramps, I went to the company.
I arrived earlier than usual and entered the choreography practice room to find Seoyun unnie there.
“Dohee, you’re here?”
“Yeah.”
Seoyun unnie lived in a group dorm for trainees nearby, so she usually came in early.
“You’re early today?”
“I just woke up early this morning. I’m a bit tired, though.”
“You have to sleep a lot to grow taller.”
“Come on, I’ve almost caught up to your height already?”
Come to think of it, they say that after menarche, you grow about 5–8 cm for about two years and then stop.
I’m 163 cm now, so if I’m lucky, I’ll pass 170 cm.
“You’re still growing, unnie. It hasn’t stopped yet.”
She was three years older than me, sixteen, an age when a girl’s growth spurt usually stops.
“Hang in there, unnie.”
“It hasn’t stopped. Oh? It’s Jiyeon and Ua.”
Jiyeon unnie and Ua unnie came in through the door.
Jiyeon unnie was one of the four new trainees who joined this year. She was a year older than me and the youngest if you excluded me.
“Dohee~”
Ua unnie ran up and hugged me like always.
I’m tired of telling her not to cling to me by now.
“You’re so energetic in the morning, unnie.”
“I get energy when I see Dohee?”
I pushed Ua unnie away and greeted Jiyeon unnie.
“Hello, Jiyeon unnie.”
“Yeah.”
Jiyeon unnie answered coldly.
She’d been showing signs that she disliked me from the start.
I don’t know why.
There’s no reason to show it; she’s only harming herself.
I decided to understand it as her being immature since she’s still only fourteen.
As it got closer to ten, the other trainees trickled in one by one until all nine had gathered.
There had originally been ten, but one of the trainees who joined this year couldn’t endure the lessons and quit, leaving nine.
This month’s evaluation divided us into three teams of three for a group assessment.
I was teamed up with Naeun unnie, the oldest trainee, and Jiyeon unnie, the youngest aside from me.
We moved to the adjacent practice room for a comfortable practice session.
“Let’s warm up first and try running through it once.”
Naeun unnie, who had become the leader because she was the oldest, said.
“Yes.”
We stretched, then played the MR and began stage practice.
This time it was my part.
I had to step forward and sing.
“To you who might feel a little lonely, knocking on the doo—”
In that instant, my path overlapped with Jiyeon unnie’s.
Hoo,
“It’s okay, let’s try again.”
Naeun unnie, the leader, cut the song and said.
“Yes.” “Yes~”
Every time I danced, I felt the sensation of blood flowing from below and the damp unpleasantness, so I wished it would end quickly.
The problematic part again.
“To you who might feel a little lonely, knocking...”
At the same part this time, our paths overlapped again.
I had been holding my tongue because I was afraid the mood would turn sour if I, the younger one, pointed it out for no reason, but I decided to just say it.
“Jiyeon unnie, your steps keep getting tangled and you’re crossing into my path.”
Jiyeon unnie nodded slightly without a word.
Then she turned around and went to get water from the refrigerator.
I thought, *Well, at least she seems to have understood,* but Jiyeon unnie muttered something only I could hear.
“Ah, so fucking annoying.”
Haah.
Fuck, appeasing a brat is fucking difficult.
I mean, she said she wanted to be the center so I yielded the center to her. I let her mistakes slide every time. I even greet her first dutifully every single time.
What the hell does she have against me that she’s acting like this?
Should I just tell the team leader?
“Haah...”
Sighs are all that come out.
Ah.
I feel like my menstrual cramps are getting worse because I’m annoyed.
.
.
A few days later.
Monthly evaluation.
Our team was last in the order.
The CEO spoke from the judges’ panel.
“So this team has both the oldest and the youngest.”
“Yes.”
“What song have you prepared?”
“It’s ‘Hand Tip’ by our Pastel Love seniors.”
“Alright. Begin.”
With the music, we began our stage.
Before long, the problematic part where our paths overlapped.
Jiyeon unnie’s mistake repeated again this time, but I had anticipated it and naturally moved to the side, pretending it was intentional as I continued the stage.
Fortunately, aside from that one time, we finished the stage without any mistakes.
“Hmm.”
Unlike usual, the CEO was the first to speak.
“First, you guys decided the center among yourselves, right?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm. I don’t understand.”
The CEO’s expression was stiff.
“Why did Dohee take the rap part? Doesn’t she usually only do vocals or center?”
“...My rap skills have improved a lot, so I was confident.”
“No, Dohee, you’re better at singing than rapping.”
The CEO was blunt.
To be honest, I hadn’t been confident in rapping either.
“Do you know why you do group evaluations?”
“...”
“Do you know or not.”
“We know.”
“If you know, you shouldn’t do it like this. The stage doesn’t know what it wants to show and it’s all over the place.”
The CEO put down the microphone.
Ah.
I should’ve just been the center.
Dance trainer Yerim’s evaluation.
“Jiyeon.”
“Yes.”
“You think your tangled movements weren’t obvious?”
“...”
“If you’ve been practicing for half a year, organizing your movements is basic, isn’t it?”
“...”
“Dohee and Naeun, you two answer. Is it basic or not?”
“...It is basic.”
“Then what were you two doing not helping her?”
Haah.
Next, vocal trainer Gwon's assessment.
“The singing was fine.”
Phew.
That was the best evaluation so far.
“But the stage was so lackluster that it made me not want to listen to the singing.”
Finally, Team Leader Jeong’s assessment.
“Let’s do better next time. If it’s like this again next time, there won’t be a next time.”
“Yes...”
In the end, instead of praise, we just got scolded.
All because of one damn brat.
When the monthly evaluation ended and we came out, Ua unnie followed me, hugged me, and spoke.
“It’s okay, Dohee, you did really well.”
“Sigh.”
If only everyone were like Ua unnie.
Being the youngest is a sin, I guess.
If I’m going to debut anyway, I wish I could be the leader.
.
.
A few days later.
When I went to the choreography practice room, the monthly evaluation rankings for the trainees were posted.
1st place Ji Ua
2nd place Gim Seoyun
3rd place Han Sia
4th place I Dohee
5th place Song Yeonji
6th place Gim Naeun
7th place Han Daye
8th place Gim Jiyeon
Oh, 4th place.
Considering I fucked it up like a dog, 4th place is pretty satisfying.
But why isn’t Heo Boyeon unnie’s name written?
Shortly after, the team leader came in with Boyeon unnie.
Boyeon unnie’s eyes were red and bloodshot.
“Kids, I have something to tell you. Boyeon will only be with us until today.”
So it finally came.
Starting with Boyeon unnie’s tears, the practice room became a sea of tears.
After hugging Boyeon unnie and sending her off, a silence fell over the practice room she had left.
The first trainee to be cut, not one who had left of their own accord.
The time with someone who had looked toward one goal for the past year was over.
I knew it was bound to happen someday because of the competitive system, but my heart felt heavy.
To compose myself, I went to the bathroom outside the practice room to wash my face.
As I was washing my face and looking in the mirror, Jiyeon unnie was there.
“Must be nice for you.”
“Huh?”
“You don’t have to worry about getting cut, do you?”
“What—”
Before I could continue, Jiyeon unnie cut me off and spoke.
“The teachers, the team leader, and even the CEO all favor only you.”
“What do you mean favor?”
“You think I’m the only one who thinks that? Everyone thinks so. Stop pretending to be nice and pretty. Stop faking it.”
Jiyeon unnie said that and left.
What the fuck did I even do?
Is it a crime to be pretty, sing well, dance well, be top-class at piano, and even study well?
Is it?
.
.
On the way home from the company, riding in Mom’s car.
Some time had passed, so my head had cooled a bit.
“Mom.”
“Hmm?”
“If being pretty is a crime, I’d be serving life in prison, right?”
“What nonsense again.”
“No, I’d probably get the death penalty.”
“Was today very hard?”
“I even sing well, dance well, play piano well, and even study well. Can I atone for my sins with the death penalty?”
“You must have had a hard day.”
“Sigh, it’s tiring to be too perfect.”
“Let’s hurry home and rest.”
Ah, thinking about it again makes me angry.
“I’m so annoyyyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I screamed, hitting the car seat.
“Oh my, why is she like that, she must be crazy...”
Annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying annoying.
If I had been a man like in my previous life, I would have thrown a punch right away.
That trashy bitch.