"Will there ever come a day when I write a song like this again?"
Returning backstage, I felt a slight emotional exhaustion.
Truthfully, this stage was merely that kind of thing.
A song prepared simply for performance.
It just so happened that a dark melody had been written while making it.
And trying to attach lyrics to it, the nihilistic emotions I could write were only that kind.
It was a story only I knew, with not a single soul to remember it.
Though I said I would find a new life, I hadn't wanted to leave those dead days behind.
But now, there is no need to grieve anymore.
Because this song will remember him along with me.
'That's right.'
That me of those days, so vivid that I couldn't say it wasn't me.
The me who had once been a man ending his life in an accident.
The me who was hollow, yet defiantly branded because of it.
It was simply a light mourning.
"Dohee, that was incredible."
Amidst it all, Manager Yeongho's voice reached my ears.
I nodded, trying to smile.
"Hurry back to the waiting room, you need to change outfits."
And when I habitually greeted the staff I encountered in the hallway toward the waiting room, they showered me with praise bordering on fervent exclamations.
The stage merely being 'that kind of thing' was enough.
* * *
The waiting room door opened.
Naeun was at the front with an incredibly bright smile.
"Dohee~ the performance was seriously amazing! The best of the best!"
It was the brief moment when the awards ceremony crossed from Part 2 to Part 3.
Everyone seemed to have come out to greet me, completely unnecessarily.
"Enough, if you're done changing, hurry out. The Daesang announcement is right after the Part 3 opening stage."
When I nodded silently without a word, everyone stared holes into me.
"Maknae, don't tell me you cried?"
"Right? Dohee's eyes are a little bloodshot."
Normally, I'd probably feel the need to brag about it.
That sight made a laugh escape me for no reason.
Because they were people who knew me well, I simply stood up after silently tidying the hem of my dress.
Though it was break time, the hallway was rather quiet with the main Part 3 drawing near.
Colleagues? I don't know about the concept of colleagues. But the gazes of idols from the same industry whom I had briefly encountered were a different kind of gaze.
"Was I a little too cool?"
"...Is that your first line?"
"You look a little embarrassed when you do that, so don't say it so loud."
"Hueeeeng..."
"Ugh, what's with that tone again."
"Hueeeeng..."
"Ah, Chiyo is copying me again!"
"I've been using this tone since the day before yesterday? It's Lee Dohee who copies me."
"...Ah, really?"
Setting that aside, I passed through the door connected to the outside.
Tens of thousands of seats filled with cheers welcomed me once more.
The sky of the open dome was pitch-black.
That harmony was truly a sight to behold.
Carefully returning to my seat so as not to disturb filming, countless gazes came my way.
Among them were people I still liked.
Starting with Hana holding up her thumb.
Yeoeun smiling cutely and giving small applause.
As for Sera... hmm.
Finger hearts, big hearts, king-sized hearts, cat hearts.
She probably won't stop until I do them back.
'...Right, I'll do a heart too.'
Anyway, the other Ailey members, Bomi and Miho, were also expressing with their whole bodies from beside Hana that they thought it was absolutely amazing.
Facing such bonds, I took my seat.
Gradually, a natural smile began to form on my face.
I returned to the expression that Lee Dohee would make.
Yes.
To that camera too.
I should smile for the fans as well.
* * *
[Watermelon Music Awards, Digital Music Daesang]
The nominees for the main award and Daesang in the digital music category appeared in turn via VCR.
We were among them.
"Then we shall announce."
And since Watermelon was a music streaming company, the Song of the Year—the digital music Daesang—naturally went to the annual chart number one.
"I am truly, truly happy to receive this award..."
Fixing my gaze on Yeeun's fingers tightly gripping the trophy, I nodded toward the cheerful male idol stage that followed.
And immediately after, the album category award commenced.
[Korea Music Awards, Album Daesang]
A majestic orchestra performance rang out, and a middle-aged famous actor in charge of presenting at the Watermelon Awards appeared alongside a rookie actress.
"Thank you sincerely, sincerely for inviting us."
The two actors warmed up the atmosphere by talking about buying CDs in their youth, LP records, and cassettes.
"In the end, an era has come where people access albums through digital music. Perhaps because of that, they say it's become difficult to pay attention to an entire album."
"Yes, that's why they say there are more singles these days. Moreover, it takes six to seven months for one album to come out, and up to a year at the longest... We send applause to all artists who consistently release albums through this process."
Applause spread at the greeting asking for continued interest in music.
"The total albums released this year number 47,596. Among them, albums whose entire tracklists were loved on the Watermelon Chart. Let us meet those nominees."
Each time the Daesang nominees appeared on the screen, cheers soared.
And the male actor produced a small envelope from inside his jacket.
"We won't delay. WMMA 2025, Album of the Year."
No music was needed to heighten the tension.
"Debonair."
He simply read in a composed manner.
"Debonair, DBNR. Congratulations."
"Congratulations."
Amidst ear-splitting cheers, DBNR's album title echoed.
It might be a slightly arrogant thing to say, but...
Truthfully, the trophy called a Daesang, awarded by someone else, doesn't send thrills through me.
It was merely the sight of the unnis beside me covering their mouths and rising awkwardly that gave me satisfaction bridging reality and my five senses.
"Maknae!"
Whether it was Chiyo grabbing both my shoulders.
Or Wooa taking my hand and trying to step forward.
Or Seoyun and Naeun, who weren't crying.
"Thank you."
We repeatedly bowed our heads to the other groups who were clapping and offering congratulations.
I watched the unnis' backs and headed toward the stage.
Standing on stage, bouquets and trophies passed over hand to hand.
"Thank you."
Perhaps because her throat was choked up for a moment, Naeun took the mic from her mouth.
And then... it was the first time I had seen Naeun cry so hard.
It was a cry of releasing every emotion in relief.
The loud sobs spread quickly, and no one could hold the microphone.
But I didn't cry.
The sight of my unnis infected by tears, the very honesty of their emotions, was somehow so satisfying and pleasant that it made me laugh.
In the end, I, who hadn't been crying, was pushed to the center.
To the front of the microphone for the acceptance speech.
'I wonder if it's okay for me to give the first Daesang speech...'
I nodded to the members standing in a row, then turned my head again.
"Yes."
Still, seeing how cheers erupted as if they would blow the roof off at just this single word.
Perhaps it's not so bad.
But right now, I wish they would smile instead of cheer.
"The unnis are crying, so the maknae ended up having to give the speech first."
So I spoke with a grin, half-jokingly.
"It's a beautiful night."
Laughter burst loudly from the audience.
That itself gave me satisfaction.
"Yes."
I took a breath for a moment.
And continued.
"This is a story I'm telling for the first time. The reason I started music and began playing the piano."
I wanted to speak honestly.
"I was five years old. It was a simple thought—wouldn't it be cool if I could play an instrument well."
The primitive struggle for recognition that Hegel spoke of, begun by wagering the preservation of life. That's what I had been.
"I never imagined back then that I would take music as a profession."
But when the day comes that I lose the struggle for recognition and must choose between faith or life. I think I'll be able to talk about it then.
"I simply came to love music too much."
Only now do I perhaps possess the recognition of a personhood higher than the preservation of life.
I might have the independence of self-consciousness.
I am fortunate.
An ordinary me became extraordinary through the fortune of living twice, and became my true self through the fortune of meeting lovely bonds as well.
Of course, truthfully my thoughts are still immature.
And I am far too lacking to say I know anything.
I'm merely putting on airs despite simply being lucky.
But at least these are words I wanted to say.
"I like my name. Do, meaning to arrive, and Hee, meaning joy. It means the joy of reaching something."
My name.
"But if you add the person radical to Do... it becomes Do, meaning to fall over."
Well, whether you want to hear it or not, it can't be helped.
"Isn't that... surely containing the universal truth that on the path for a person to reach something, there mostly exist trial and error and falls? That's how I choose to live, interpreting it my own way."
I simply looked at the audience.
I'm the one taking home the grand prize—what about it.
"What song, what music, do you want to listen to?"
I cannot, as Kazantzakis said, struggle desperately for my entire life to expand my spirit until it begins to groan and creak at its limits.
I can never, as Kazantzakis said, create great thoughts worthy of granting new meaning to life and death and consoling humanity.
Instead.
"I... want to give you songs that give strength."
"I simply want to give you songs that give strength."
Even an ordinary person might be able to do that, at least once.
"It's a difficult wish, but in the process of everyone wishing for something and reaching for it, even if they fall, something that can give even a little bit of strength..."
"Someday, I hope that fall is not simply the painful and agonizing 'fall,' but the 'rolling on the floor laughing' that comes from laughing too hard."
Ah, our unnis need to give their speeches too.
I should hurry up and finish my speech.
"I think I've spoken only of personal wishes and failed to mention the people I should thank."
I put my arm around Naeun's waist beside me.
"My unnis who will speak after me will probably say it."
"As the maknae of the group, it seems I'm always only receiving care from my unnis."
"I'm always thankful to have met such members. I love you."