"Girls, should I make steamed eggs too?"
"Whatever's easiest for you, unnie~"
Naeun unnie was showing off her practiced knife skills in earnest, chopping up the extra ingredients that would go into the oden soup with crisp, rhythmic taps.
"Let's grill the pork belly first."
"Got it."
The two same-age unnies, Chiyo unnie and Wooa unnie, were busy grilling all the meat they'd just bought from the market.
Yes, the noisy, bustling places were definitely the barbecue area in the yard and the kitchen inside.
But the living room was the one crowded with people.
Seoyun unnie glanced back and forth between the kitchen and the barbecue area, then watched the staff in the living room for cues.
"What should I do..."
I put down the liberal arts book I was reading and cut her off firmly.
"That's a compulsion."
"Is it?"
"Yeah."
"Right... true! We're here to have fun right now!"
"Listen. There are lots of reasons Airs like watching us, right? Among them, sure, there's the way we work hard and try to be entertaining. But what is self-produced content, really? How do these girls rest? What do they usually do to heal? People must be so curious."
"Oho... But. But then it makes it look like you and I are always the only ones doing that. I work hard at cooking all the time too."
"Tsk, what are you talking about?"
"Hm... no?"
"Exactly. How hard did we sing earlier?"
I adjusted my posture on the sofa and sat up neatly.
"That's what I mean. Our members can't stay still."
A tidy posture, a proper expression, and an intellectual appearance gave strong persuasiveness to my words.
"They're always like, they have to do something. Since they're variety show newbies and all."
"Ugh, seriously. You're right."
"But what happens if I go into the kitchen too?"
"Wait... hey! It'd get complicated. Too complicated."
"Exactly, it'd be chaotic."
"Ugh~ I thought about it, and I'm already dizzy."
Seeing the staff in front of us keep bursting into laughter meant that we were fulfilling our role well enough right now.
"Right? I'm right, aren't I?"
"Right, I think so too. Now, what should we watch~"
As expected of Kim Seoyun.
Her experience hadn't gone anywhere.
The moment she felt we'd secured enough footage, she immediately lay back comfortably on the sofa and started watching TV.
"Who wants to try some! I grilled it super well!"
Just as I was getting hungry, Chiyo unnie came trotting in, holding a few pieces of meat with tongs.
"How is it...?"
"Wow, amazing. It's really good. How did you grill it so well? Right, unnie?"
"Yeah, you really did grill it well."
"Chiyo unnie is the best!"
"Hehe, I wrapped it in foil and trapped the juices while grilling. I saw it on YouTube, and they said it tastes good like this!"
Cute Chiyo unnie cheerfully enjoyed the praise, then left the living room to go grill the rest of the meat.
"Wow, you're seriously a devil."
"What. You were agreeing with me right beside me."
I think this is what our role is, as the members with more years under our belts.
* * *
When I woke up in the morning, the dark pension living room had only the self-camera left behind in case there was something to film, and the staff had long since gone home.
It wasn't like all of us could sleep together at the pension.
And so, this short two-day, one-night shoot came to an end.
I dragged over a yoga mat that had been shoved into a corner of the living room and roughly started stretching.
I turned on the camera too.
Honestly, part of it was because I was in front of a camera, but it was also a routine I'd never once skipped in my daily life.
As I groaned lightly and stretched my body out, my stiff limbs loosened up, and at the same time, today's schedule came to mind.
I had to MC for Trending Songs... which meant I had to stop by the salon too.
The fact that I had no time to rest was one thing, but countless tasks also came into view.
Empty paper cups, drink cups, disposable spoons and forks. Recycling.
Plates with leftover meat on them, and a sink piled high with dishes, including the oden soup bowls.
"Ha... when am I supposed to clean all this?"
Originally, at an MT, the person who wakes up first gets stuck with the cleanup...
It was 7 a.m. now, so maybe I should clean up quickly and head to Seoul separately with my manager first.
Since this place was on the outskirts of Gyeonggi-do, I'd have to leave by 10 at the latest.
There weren't even any red rubber gloves, so I started washing dishes with my bare hands, putting detergent on the scrubber.
Honestly, this was the whole reason people who lived alone avoided cooking.
I'd rather just cook instead.
"Sigh, this kind of thing should be aired."
It'll probably make it in, even if only briefly.
* * *
Around nine, the members began coming out into the living room one by one, complaining of slight hangovers, while I was already eating brunch I'd ordered for breakfast.
After the production crew went home, the members had decided, "You have to drink on a trip too," and had a few drinks with dinner to get into the mood.
"Ugh, I'm dying..."
Surprisingly, the first member to come out was Chiyo unnie.
Considering she hadn't drunk much, she seemed to be suffering, so maybe alcohol just didn't agree with her.
"Come eat breakfast. I ordered the bagels you like, unnie."
"Ugh, my stomach's burning..."
"Then eat cereal. Cereal is better for hangovers than you'd think."
"How does Dohee know that..."
"Just eat it. It's good for you."
After taking a bite of a bagel roughly spread with cream cheese and jam, I went into the room to change clothes.
Though it was only casual everyday clothes.
It was cold anyway, so I'd be wearing a long padded coat. I didn't think I needed to pay much attention to my Trending Songs commute outfit.
After changing clothes and grabbing my bag, I headed straight to the front door.
At the same time, I heard the members' apologetic goodbyes, asking why I'd cleaned up by myself.
They'd meant to wake up and clean together.
"Has Dohee finally grown up...?"
"Your face."
"Thank you."
Sigh.
"I had nothing else to do this morning anyway. I'm heading out first."
"But where are you going?"
"Dohee's MC today."
"Oh, right."
"Yeah. My manager says they're waiting out front. If you unnies aren't coming with me now, you'll probably have to take a taxi."
"Okay, don't worry about us. See you at the dorm tonight~"
Such was the life of a busy modern superstar who couldn't even enjoy a vacation-style two-day, one-night shoot...
* * *
"Joo Seungbin, noona's here."
"Yeah, first, here's the script..."
The problem was that since I'd be wearing a long padded coat anyway, I'd put on comfortable clothes.
Today, since we'd been filming self-produced content, unlike usual, when I was constantly going in and out of the practice room or repeating intense exercise,
I was wearing normal underwear that was comfortable and not restrictive.
Which meant I should have worn clothes that covered me more thoroughly.
But because I'd been rushing to work, I hadn't had time to stop by the dorm.
And under my long padded coat, I was still dressed comfortably.
Fleece-lined pants.
A long-sleeved T-shirt. A skinny one.
In other words, a top that clung tightly to my body because of its snug fit.
So, compared to usual, compared to usual, my curves were a lot more pronounced.
'My perfect lines are showing.'
Of course, since they were perfect, there was nothing to be embarrassed about.
But for a moment, an embarrassment I couldn't even understand surged up in me.
Honestly, back when I was a guy, I thought big breasts were pretty, so I simply hoped they'd get bigger to tease Mom.
And honestly, even now, when I look in the mirror, I'm extremely, incredibly satisfied.
But that's self-satisfaction, and I still don't want to show them to other people.
I didn't want to become an object.
It was enough to make the always cold, polite, rational, and intellectual me curse.
"F..."
There was a reason women said having large breasts was a complex.
I really didn't know why it was embarrassing, but it was terribly embarrassing.
I had definitely thought that way.
That the reason I avoided exposure was because I didn't want to face filthy comments.
But now I realized it was also because I was embarrassed.
'The people who do Waterbomb events have serious professionalism... seriously.'
Of course, I tried to act like I wasn't conscious of it.
Because of the hot heating in the MC waiting room, I'd unconsciously pulled down the zipper of my long padded coat for a moment, so I casually zipped it back up, picked up the slightly oversized school-look MC outfit that the stylist unnie had hung up, went to the changing room to change, and was about to return.
The problem was that the neckline of this T-shirt wasn't even a normal round design that fit close around the neck, a crew neck.
It was the kind women liked to wear... no, the kind I now liked to wear too. A square neck.
In other words, the neckline was cut open in a square shape.
This was a shirt I'd bought when I went shopping with the Seibeun members.
Back then, all the members—
especially Sera unnie and Hana unnie—had said clothes like this had a pretty fit and were good even for practice, so I went along with the trend and bought one too. But at the time, I'd just shoved it into my closet.
Only around when Seibeun was ending did I gradually start wearing it because it was comfortable.
I never imagined that, by now, I would find clothes like this comfortable enough to wear often.
Maybe our members—
especially Wooa unnie—
─Our Dohee's chest isn't this big, sob sob. Give our Dohee back! You monster!
─It's time to accept reality. In this dorm, anyone can see I'm the most unnie here.
The reason she kept teasing me while leaning on my chest was probably because she'd seen me dressed like this.
Because not only was the fit tight, it was a square neck.
So a bit of cleavage showed. Not a lot, really just a little.
Uh... anyway, it was still fine.
Because we were all girls.
Girls all had them... and they say girls sometimes touch each other, and even openly squeeze each other.
Of course, because I treasured myself, I was thoroughly defending myself.
But I knew.
If it was a man, regardless of his personality or character—
unless he was gay... yes, a little lust would arise.
Even if Joo Seungbin's gaze had unconsciously flicked toward my chest, it couldn't be helped.
Because I'd been a man, I knew it very well.
How painful, deplorable, and heartbreaking it was even for the person themselves when the noble reason that distinguished animals from humans ultimately lost to instinct.
But by possessing that self-criticism, one could reflect on oneself and improve further, so even that suffering was something unique to humans and part of the process of moving forward.
Yes, moreover, instinct itself was not a sin.
After all, I too agreed to some extent with Desmond Morris's idea that humans are a single animal.
Furthermore, wasn't Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis and one of the hundred greatest figures of the twentieth century, the one who summarized all of humanity's underlying psychology as sexual desire and lack?
So... this thing called instinct...
"Hey, did you finish reading the book I lent you last time?"
"Ah, right."
"Then hurry up and give it back so I can put it on my bookshelf."
"Here."
That day, I spent the entire day out of it, repeating philosophical worries.
In the end, all I wanted was to see my family, who served as my place of healing.
─By the way, Mom, has Doa been going to bed early lately? She keeps not answering my calls...
─No? She was studying until a little while ago, and she's in her room playing Nintendo right now.
─...Tell her she gets no allowance this month.
─Doa says to put unnie on the phone.
─Hmph.