“Lee Dohee, get dressed and come out quickly. You need to eat and go~”
“Yeah~ Just a moment.”
Today was the day of the entrance ceremony.
It had been two years and three months since Doa was born, I had turned eight, and it was time for me to go to elementary school.
Ugh, I had to attend elementary school for six years.
When I left my room and went to the kitchen, Mom was feeding Doa, who was sitting in a baby chair.
“Aww, our Doa eats so well.”
I sat down in a chair at the table, picked up my spoon, and asked,
“Is Doa coming too?”
Doa had been eating, but when she heard her name, she looked at me.
“Of course she is. What if she wakes up while she’s home alone?”
“Doa will probably be sleepy. You don’t have to come to the entrance ceremony. I can go by myself.”
“What are you talking about? What mother doesn’t go to her daughter’s elementary school entrance ceremony?”
“I’m saying I’m really fine, but whatever. Do as you please.”
Cute little Doa stared at me and asked,
“Where are you going, big sis?”
“Mm-hmm~ Starting today, big sis has to go to elementary school every morning. Give me a kiss to cheer me on.”
I held my cheek out to Doa and pointed at it with my finger.
“*Smooch.* Can’t you not go? I want to stay with big sis.”
“Aww, you’re so cute. Big sis wants to stay with Doa too, but Mom won’t let me. Boo-hoo-hoo. Doa, go scold Mom.”
Doa seemed to be having an internal conflict over my asking her to scold Mom, because she looked back and forth between us.
She was my little sister, but she was just too cute.
While poking Doa’s cheek, Mom said to me,
“You have to go to elementary school by law anyway~”
“Who doesn’t know that? I’m just saying.”
“You’ll make lots of friends at school, okay?”
“I don’t know. I’ll see when I get there.”
“Listen to your teacher, too.”
“I’ll see about that when I get there.”
If I kept teasing Mom like this, she would inevitably try to give me a knuckle sandwich.
As expected, the moment I anticipated it, Mom’s fist flew toward my head.
But I easily dodged it.
After mastering repetitive training, I no longer got hit.
“Osoi.”
“Good grief… Anyway, do your best at school.”
“Yeah.”
After we finished eating, Mom picked up Doa and left the house with me.
When we arrived at the school, the playground was packed with people.
At the very front of the crowd, the teachers of each class were standing with placards bearing their class numbers.
“Mom, was I in Class One?”
“Yeah, your Class One teacher is over there.”
We approached the teacher holding the Class One placard.
“Hello, teacher. I’m Dohee’s mother. She’s entering school today.”
“Hello, Mother~”
“Hello, teacher.”
“Yes, hello, Dohee. I look forward to working with you.”
The teacher rummaged through the name-tag necklaces in her hand, found one with my name on it, and handed it to me.
“Dohee, put on the name tag your teacher gave you and wait, okay?”
“Yes.”
The teacher had barely handed me the name tag when another parent arrived, so she went to distribute another one.
Being an elementary school teacher was no easy job either.
After some time passed and all the students had gathered, the principal stepped up to the podium.
“Parents and incoming students, good morning. I am Principal Jang Buyoung.”
Ah.
I couldn’t believe I was going to have to listen to that shitty principal’s speech again.
His speech, stuffed with every sort of flowery phrase—“and finally,” “one last time,” “truly, for the very last time,” and so on—only ended after thirty minutes had passed.
Principals always did love to drag things out.
Once the principal stepped down, another teacher took the microphone and made an announcement.
“All incoming students and parents, please follow your homeroom teachers to your respective classrooms.”
“All Class One parents, please bring your children and come in a single line~”
The parents and students, including us, followed the teacher into the classroom.
Afterward, the homeroom teacher called attendance to make sure everyone had arrived.
“Everyone’s here. Now then, hello. My name is Yoo Jiyoung, and I’ll be your homeroom teacher for the next year.”
—Clap clap clap clap—
“We’ll start by having the students seated in front introduce themselves. Say, ‘I am so-and-so from Class One, Grade One.’ Understand?”
Haah… It was already annoying.
If it weren’t for the law, I wouldn’t even be attending elementary school.
“I’m Seo Minbeom from Class One, Grade One.”
“I’m Park Soeun from Class One, Grade One.”
“I’m Cheon Hajun from Class One, Grade One.”
“I’m Minhyeok.”
“I’m Subin.”
“I’m Chaeyoon.”
“I’m Yoonjin.”
“I’m Suho.”
“I’m Jinhee.”
Listening to them, I thought I was going insane.
Before I knew it, it was my turn to introduce myself.
“Yes, hello. I’m Lee Dohee from Class One, Grade One.”
I could hear some parents whispering behind me. Apparently, some of them recognized me.
Well, Mom should have known better than to upload so many pictures of me to social media.
As Mom’s follower count grew considerably, she had sold me out and risen to the ranks of social media stars.
Every post Mom uploaded contained a picture of me. For example:
Kwon Juhui
April 21, 2013, 7:49 p.m.
Dohee won the grand prize at her second competition—again!!
Our daughter is a total genius, hehe.
(Photo of me receiving the grand prize)
Kwon Juhui
July 13, 2013, 3:40 a.m.
This summer, we’re vacationing in Gangneung~
(Photo of me buried in sand on the beach)
(Photo of me wearing a swimsuit)
Kwon Juhui
October 7, 2014, 11:40 a.m.
Dohee giving Doa a kiss~
Daddy is jealous of Doa!
(Photo of me giving Doa a kiss)
Me studying
Me wearing a sheet mask
The third, fourth, and fifth competition grand prizes, and so on.
Even giving examples would never end. Over the course of two years, Mom had uploaded countless pictures of me in an endless variety of situations.
Thankfully, she said she would stop posting them now that I had entered elementary school, in case my fame caused me any trouble.
After introductions were over, the teacher began a simple lesson.
By “simple lesson,” she meant this:
“Okay, everyone. When your teacher calls out ‘Class One,’ you clap three times. Clap clap clap. Got it?”
“Yeah~”
Haah… How was I supposed to get through elementary school?
What was I supposed to do?
What was I really supposed to do?
“Class One?”
“Clap clap clap.”
Apparently, I had entered the teacher’s field of vision because I hadn’t clapped.
“Dohee, you should do it too, right?”
“Yes…”
“Okay, let’s do it one more time. Class One?”
“Clap clap clap.”
Somebody save me.
After class ended and we received a few simple announcements from the teacher, we left the school.
“Mom, I don’t think I can attend school.”
“Yeah, you can’t.”
“Why is elementary school mandatory…?”
“It’s a good thing that it’s mandatory.”
“Haah…”
When I got home, I searched the internet for the elementary school equivalency exam.
Please let me graduate early.
Elementary School Equivalency Exam
Children under the age of twelve cannot take the exam under any circumstances, regardless of whether or not they are enrolled in elementary school.
Ah.
What was I supposed to do?
My strength drained away, and I went over to Doa, who was playing with her dolls, and hugged her.
“Mm?”
“Big sis only has Doa.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Actually, I also have my piano teacher.”
“Mm?”
I needed healing…
Just for today, I didn’t want to play the piano, study, or exercise…
.
.
.
After somehow attending school for a month, I had strangely become one of the popular kids.
“Dohee, play with me~”
“I’m busy.”
“Dohee is going to play with me!”
“No, I said I’m busy.”
“Dohee, you’re like an older sister.”
“You guys are like annoying little brothers.”
“Dohee, my mom says you’re really famous on the internet.”
“Tell her to forget about me.”
“Dohee, let’s play princesses together.”
“I said I’m busy.”
The girls came running at me whenever break time started.
I was an unwilling popular kid.
Please.
The boys, on the other hand—
“Lee Dohee is a dummy~”
“…? Yeah, you guys look like dummies too.”
“I’m a treasure of the sea, you know?”
“Heh heh… Ow!”
One boy would tease me, yank my hair, and run away.
Ugh… I should just stop talking to them.
“Ow!”
When I stopped giving him attention, he started pinching me and running away instead.
Was this that thing where boys teased girls they liked?
Haah… Mother, Father, I miss you… Doa, your big sis misses you so much…
And most of all, I miss my piano teacher’s breasts…
As I thought of all the things I missed so dearly, the teacher approached me.
“Dohee, it must be nice to be so popular!”
“Does this look nice to you…?”
“Haha, Dohee, you’re so cute when you get embarrassed.”
“I’m serious…”
“I guess everyone likes you because you’re so pretty. You should be friendly with them, okay?”
“Me…?”
“Yes, you.”
“Why…? Ow!”
The little brat had come back yet again to pinch me while I was talking with the teacher.
I put on an aggrieved expression for the teacher, but she just laughed it off, saying it was all an expression of affection.
This was driving me crazy.
I couldn’t hit him.
The time for revenge came sooner than I expected.
During the Life and Play class, we were going to do a physical activity.
Unfortunately, the girls played dodgeball while the boys played soccer.
“Teacher, I want to play soccer too.”
“Can you run around with the boys?”
“Yes!”
I was assigned to the opposing team from the ringleader who had been bullying me.
Once the game began, the boys on my team passed the ball among themselves.
If they weren’t going to give me the ball, I had no choice but to take it myself.
As luck would have it, the ringleader who always bullied me and ran away had the ball.
I ran over and launched into a tackle.
The boy fell over as I stole the ball from him.
Serves him right. Heh heh.
I dribbled the ball forward and scored with an effortless phantom dribble, getting past the two elementary school students defending the goal.
I was a former striker in the military league.
Elementary schoolers were nothing to me.
The game started again from the halfway line.
The ball went back and forth before finally coming to me.
I dribbled forward, and the kid who had fallen earlier came charging at me as if he intended to tackle me.
‘Well, look at this little brat. Where did an elementary school kid learn something so nasty?’
He probably learned it from me.
So what?
I kicked the ball up and avoided his tackle.
The kid trying to tackle me, meanwhile, tripped over his own feet and tumbled to the ground.
That temporarily brought my attack to a halt.
Sigh…
“Hey, get up.”
But the boy must have been hurt, because he lay on the ground crying and refused to get up.
“Waaah!”
Even his crying sounded ugly. Seriously.
The obnoxious little punk was crying and interfering with the game, and I couldn’t stand the sight of him.
“Waaah! You ugly Lee Dohee!”
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I kicked the ball into the little brat’s back.
“Waaaaah!”
The ugly kid’s cries grew even louder.
If he couldn’t get up, then I had to help him up.
This was the proper way to deal with a soccer opponent who was playing dead—a soccer alarm clock.
Fuck! Long live the Republic of Korea!
It couldn’t be helped that a parent-teacher meeting was arranged on the grounds that I had assaulted a friend.