“Ah, shit….”
Even after sleeping and waking up, my condition was the same. No, it might have even gotten worse.
My whole body throbbed with muscle pain.
Especially below my waist—there was a heavy pain, like someone was pressing down on it with an axe.
A pain I was experiencing for the first time.
To cool my fever, I got up in the morning and washed my face with cold water.
Cooling my heated skin with cold water only made me more annoyed.
“Annoying…….”
All because I went out once, my body was acting up like this.
Still, I had to do what needed to be done.
Out of habit, I pressed the computer’s power button.
I entered the empty Discord early and cleared the game’s dailies ahead of time.
But today of all days, my luck was absolute shit.
‘This isn’t dropping?’
‘Ah. If I had done something else first instead of this, I would’ve finished faster.’
Ah, so annoying.
“Ahh……. Seriously…!”
I didn’t like the boss’s patterns.
Why were the patterns coming out so nasty today?
“Why can’t I dodge this…?”
I vented my pent-up frustration out loud. I slammed my hand down on the desk for the first time in a while.
With a thud, my hand throbbed.
‘What am I doing right now?’
Just then, a notification rang on Discord as someone entered.
It was Seong Si-u.
“You didn’t look so good yesterday, but you heated up Discord nicely?”
“…I just woke up a bit early today.”
“Isn’t waking up early a good thing? That’s living a healthy life.”
“No…. I think I caught a cold or the flu….”
Si-u spoke as usual.
“How weak. To think you’re wobbling around just because you went out for one day.”
“Hey… It fucking sucks. Don’t say that like that.”
Had my tone been too harsh without realizing it?
Normally, he would say my curses were a reward, thank me for them, and move on, but Si-u was quiet.
“…….”
I only realized after speaking, but I had already missed the timing to apologize.
To set the awkward mood right again, I spoke in a bright tone.
“Hey, let me finish this and let’s play together. I almost cleared all my dailies….”
“…I’ll set up a room.”
Fortunately, Si-u’s voice was exactly the same as usual.
I tried to focus on the game again, but my condition didn’t improve.
Defeat, defeat, defeat.
I stared blankly at the defeat screens popping up continuously.
My reaction speed was already at a disastrous level, and my head had been dizzy for quite some time already, having stopped thinking altogether.
No matter how much I thought about it, this was a situation that called for a doctor stop.
“My body’s not feeling well, so I think I’ll stop here for today.”
“You okay?”
“I just need to sleep some. I took medicine but it’s still like this….”
“You should go to the hospital.”
“Ah, shit. Hey, if I were going to go, I would’ve gone earlier. It’s not the flu. I’m not even coughing, so I should be fine if I just rest up….”
I closed Discord and drank the remaining Pankol.
Then I got into bed and curled up.
I got goosebumps from the blanket’s texture tickling my skin.
This is the worst.
The situation, my mood, the timing—all of it.
The impending meeting with my mother came to mind.
This pressure alone felt like it would drive me crazy, so I had tried to change my mood.
Of all times.
I pulled the blanket close and hugged it tight.
The blanket, too, gradually warmed to match my body temperature.
My stomach hurt.
To be exact, my lower stomach hurt.
I wished tomorrow wouldn’t come.
I didn’t want to admit it.
Ever since I only bought Pankol from the convenience store yesterday.
Ever since I dismissed the pain in my stomach as just muscle pain, ignoring it.
I didn’t want to admit it.
Why do bad things have to come after good things?
If it were the other way around, good memories would cover it up instead.
This is too much.
“Ugh….”
I suddenly remembered that I had cursed at Si-u with genuine feeling earlier.
I should have apologized right away. But time doesn’t turn back.
To think I treated a friend who even did me a favor like that before even a day had passed.
I.
Eyes welled up with tears from the rising self-loathing and sorrow, threatening to spill over.
I buried my face in the blanket. It was hard to breathe.
My stomach hurt.
I wished tomorrow wouldn’t come.
Still, the medicinal effects in the Pankol seemed to be working, as my body began to grow languid.
I wished it weren’t true.
And then I fell asleep.
* * *
Even though it was much earlier than usual today, my eyes opened.
Because of a sticky, unpleasant sensation far from refreshment.
And that sensation was confirming that my guess had been right.
The space between my legs was damp.
Too sticky and heavy to dismiss as mere sweat.
I felt sick.
I didn’t want to see it.
I didn’t want to look inside the blanket.
But I had to.
When I lifted the blanket and lowered my head, an absolute sight I didn’t want to see entered my eyes.
“….”
My pants were stained bright red.
Extreme revulsion swept through my entire body.
I had been doing somewhat okay.
I had felt like I would be fine if I just talked about this secret now.
Why?
Of all times?
Right now?
I blankly shifted my gaze to look at the ceiling.
My head was noisy.
‘I prayed so hard yesterday that it wouldn’t be—my body doesn’t care what I think—things were going well—it’s wet—it’s uncomfortable—it feels awful—but do I even have the right to say it feels awful—I tried setting up as a VTuber and lost all my money—in the end I clung to Si-u and cried pathetically—and he’s so nice he went with someone like me—and I couldn’t even say thank you, I just threw a tantrum—Si-u already got a job—and here I am holed up in my room bleeding—can’t even contact my parents—what’s the big deal about turning into a girl that I’m this devastated—like Si-u said, it might be a chance to live a new life—so why am I so twisted up—I take other people’s kindness for granted and only spit out thorny words, I’m really pathetic—I hate that it feels like I’ve really become a girl—but do I even have the right to hate it—do I have to live like this every month now?’
My body didn’t hurt anymore.
“Haa…….”
I wished it had all just been a dream.
* * *
The blood-stained laundry was hard to wash.
Squatting on the bathroom floor, no matter how much I scrubbed and washed, the red stains wouldn’t come out.
‘Fuck, seriously….’
Only after searching how to remove blood was I able to get the blood out of my clothes and blanket.
If I hadn’t forcibly denied it and had faced reality as it was yesterday, I wouldn’t have had to do this kind of bothersome work.
If I hadn’t hesitated at the convenience store then….
‘Why do I always end up like this.’
I avoid what I dislike as much as possible. Heavy atmospheres, awkward situations.
Avoiding like that, I ended up where I am now.
And having avoided it again this time.
Blood-red stained cloths were in front of my eyes.
And now, the foreign sensation between my legs. There was another layer of awkwardness in my crotch besides my underwear.
Thickly stuck on, a presence that further reminded me of the emptiness between my legs.
Every time I walked, the space between my legs felt awkward. I felt like a child wearing a diaper.
To think I have to experience this every month from now on.
Really, this is the worst.
* * *
Ever since coming back from Illumoon Fest, Baek Eun-hae had been a bit strange.
His energy was completely drained so I thought he was sick, but he was in Discord again.
Seong Si-u threw out a joke as usual.
“How weak. To think you’re wobbling around just because you went out for one day.”
But the response he got back was a bit different.
“… It fucking sucks. Don’t say that like that.”
Well, they cursed at each other normally too, but should I say it felt a bit more genuine?
Every letter felt pressed down hard.
At that moment, Si-u too was momentarily flustered and couldn’t say anything.
Also, unlike usual, the frequency of cursing had increased considerably.
“Fuck!”
“Ah, this is shit.”
“Don’t bullshit me…!”
Seong Si-u thought.
Ah, how long has it been since Baek Eun-hae turned into a girl?
About a month…?
Don’t tell me, is it that?
He didn’t have any women around him besides his younger sister, but thanks to that, Si-u was quite used to that kind of sensitivity.
Because he had learned through experience that you absolutely must not touch his younger sister when that time came.
Menstruation. Yeah. If it’s menstruation, I can understand.
The next day too, Eun-hae appeared in Discord without fail.
His voice was even more downcast than yesterday, but fortunately, the hostility from yesterday had subsided somewhat.
“Is your body okay?”
“Uh…. I’m okay now….”
Eun-hae’s voice trembled slightly.
“Hey.”
“Why….”
Si-u swallowed dryly. And then he spoke as carefully as possible.
“Are you… on it?”
“W-what are you on about….”
“Your period… are you on it?”
For a moment, silence flowed through Discord.
Soon, Baek Eun-hae stuttered heavily in rebuttal as if very flustered, but Si-u’s conviction only grew firmer.
“Hey, w-what? What period would I have…!”
“It’s so obvious.”
“There’s no way I’d have something like a period…! Shut up. Fuck…. Shut up—!”
Even though he was cursing, somehow it was so pitiful it was like a hamster thrashing about.
Can someone be that bad at acting even if they can’t act?
He was convinced, but now the problem was what came next.
But what was he supposed to say?
Congratulations on your period?
I’m not even his parent, isn’t this too weird?
But to pretend he didn’t know….
“Your body’s really okay, right?”
“Hey, hey. I said I’m okay…? What period. Period my ass.”
“… You’re really okay, right?”
“Ugh—! I said I’m really okay…!”
Eun-hae squeaked like a baby bird.
“I’m worried about you.”
* * *
Si-u’s voice came through the earphones.
A voice genuinely worried, all playfulness completely gone.
To get caught having my period.
Was it that obvious?
I had tried to restrain myself.
Was I that hostile?
Was it that obvious?
“Wh-who are you to worry about me like that.”
“I’m worried as a friend. Don’t let your pride get in the way, tell me if it’s hard.”
“….”
“I’ll help you.”
Ha, help me?
How could you possibly help me, it’s not like you can become this body instead of me.
Without even understanding how I feel.
I forcibly pushed the words I wanted to say back down my throat.
Because I’m going to overcome something like this.
Annoying. Annoying. Annoying.
Why is Si-u such a nice guy?
But the emotion I couldn’t stop in time ended up leaking out of my mouth.
Even though I knew I would regret it later.
“I’m fine.”