Lying prostrate for hours on end, doing nothing but sleep, her posture had grown uncomfortable.
Perhaps because she had slept plenty, her consciousness gradually surfaced.
Cha Eun-sol tossed and turned at the stiffness and woke from her sleep.
'I can't see anything....'
When she opened her eyes, the world before her was pitch black.
No sound reached her; it was silent.
Nothingness. Absolute nothingness.
Had the world been destroyed?
She had known such a day would come.
Where there is a beginning, there must be an end; birth inevitably leads to death, so it was hardly strange that the world should one day perish.
Nothing eternal exists in this world, and immortality does not exist either.
There is only cyclical return.
Just as a water droplet becomes a cloud, falls to earth as rain, flows into a river, runs to the sea, and rises to the heavens once more to become a cloud again.
Just as the living die and return to the earth, restored as part of nature, from which new life is born.
Everything is cyclical.
The world, too, cannot escape this immutable order.
It exists within the cycle of rise and fall, where prosperity leads to ruin and flourishing leads to decay.
'So I am dead....'
She was now conscious of the cycle in which the world perished and was reborn.
Her soul should have forgotten all its memories and become part of that cycle, yet this was nothing short of miraculous.
Or perhaps she was in the process of forgetting.
She felt on the verge of some enlightenment, and if so, it was a shame.
For once reincarnated, she would forget it all.
It couldn't be helped.
It was the providence of nature.
One must not go against the cycle.
However, if there was one thing she earnestly wished for.
'In my next life, I want to be born as a pet pig raised in a wealthy household....'
She didn't want to be reborn as a human.
Humans had to think, and above all, it was a hassle.
She wanted to be born as an animal that didn't have to think if it didn't want to, eating when hungry, sleeping when sleepy, and relieving itself when nature called.
But the wild was no easy place.
The world they lived in was harsh as well.
So she wanted to be born as a pet living a life where someone fed it, put it to bed, raised it, clothed it, treated it when sick, and even cleaned up after it.
She particularly desired a life like that of a pig.
She sincerely wished for the life of a full pig rather than a hungry Socrates.
Male or female, it didn't matter.
Since either way, after neutering, male or female would be the same.
That pain would surely be excruciating, but if she could live and die happily, she could endure it just once.
As a pet pig, she probably wouldn't have to worry about being slaughtered for food.
Even if the owner's heart suddenly changed and she were eaten, it wouldn't matter.
'You can eat me. Eat me deliciously.'
That, too, was the providence of nature, a cycle.
She hoped such a thing wouldn't happen, but even so, she would comply and accept it.
But that thought lasted only a moment.
"Ah...."
Cha Eun-sol realized she had been wearing an eye mask and even earplugs.
Removing the blanket draped over her head and taking off the tools that had blocked her sight and hearing, the world returned to its original state.
The full view of the classroom entered her eyes.
The instructor standing at the lectern was grinning at her.
"Eun-sol, did you sleep well?"
"...."
"I was wondering whether to wake you, so this is good. Stop sleeping and get up; you should write your will now too."
"My... will...?"
"Yes, your will."
Cha Eun-sol, who hadn't listened to the lecture, tilted her head crookedly.
At that moment, the student sitting next to her—a recipient of support from the Sunghwan Chaga—pointed at the desk with a finger.
A sheet of blank paper lay on the desk.
"I have no intention of assigning this as homework, so know that you won't be able to go home until you've finished writing your will."
"...."
The instructor spoke venomously.
At least, that's how it felt to Cha Eun-sol.
Her eyebrows trembled.
She resignedly decided to pick up a pen to write her will.
But she hadn't brought her pencil case.
Her bag contained only tools necessary for sleep and snacks.
"Ah."
"...Want to borrow mine?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Fortunately, the female student who assisted her took out a pen from her pencil case and handed it to her.
Cha Eun-sol took the pen and thought about what to write in her will.
"...."
Nothing came to mind.
She didn't want to think about it in the first place; it was a hassle.
Cha Eun-sol unwrapped and ate a sausage, furrowing her fine brows.
'I don't have anything I want to say to anyone....'
She had no lingering attachment to or obsession with the world.
With no attachment or obsession, regret naturally did not exist either.
Going wherever the wind blew, flowing wherever the water flowed, Cha Eun-sol was someone who lived a free and unfettered life.
If she died, she died. She was not afraid.
Death was the beginning of a new cycle, the providence of nature.
As a part of nature, she intended to accept that death without refusing it.
Such a girl would have no words to leave behind upon her death.
'Yeah, I won't write anything.'
Cha Eun-sol reached her conclusion.
She carefully folded the blank paper and tried to put it in the envelope.
Just then, the instructor offered a warning.
"I'm saying this just in case, but I hope no one submits a blank sheet."
"...."
"There are always punks like that every year. Punks who submit blank sheets based on groundless confidence that they won't die... I'll check the moment they're submitted, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't. If there are any who submit like that...."
"...."
"Deduction of points is a given, and you'll have to rewrite at least five pages' worth. Not sides, pages. Pages. Keep that in mind. Please write sincerely, sincerely."
The warning seemed specifically aimed at Cha Eun-sol.
She stealthily unfolded the blank paper and decided to write her will.
'What should I write....'
She resigned herself to filling the page with clichéd content.
But merely writing clichés would lack sincerity.
'I want to go home and eat chicken....'
And so, in order to fill it with sincerity.
Cha Eun-sol poured out the honest emotions she felt into her will.
I want to eat chicken, I want to lie down, and so on.
'Samgyeopsal too....'
Finally, she capped it off with an impressive sentence.
In my next life, I want to live as a pet pig of a kind, wealthy owner.
The will was complete.
Cha Eun-sol went straight to the instructor and submitted her will.
The instructor read her will and let out a hollow laugh.
"Write it again."
"...."
"Staring at me like that won't help. No, write it again."
"Why...."
Her green eyes shook wide.
Betrayal laced Cha Eun-sol's voice.
That day, she had to remain in the classroom after all the students had left, receiving the instructor's corrections.
* * *
Is this what they call the agony of creation?
I don't know what words to convey, and the sentences don't satisfy me.
While I had yet to write even a few lines, repeating the cycle of writing and erasing, people were finishing their wills one by one.
I could only envy them as they finished their assignments and took their ease, chatting comfortably.
"I'm done too!"
In the end, Yeon Haneul had also finished her will.
Putting down the pen in her hand and shaking her wrist, her face looked much refreshed.
I probably wasn't the only one who thought so.
Because her rabbit ears had perked up.
"What did you write? Let me see."
I was curious what Yeon Haneul's will was like.
Since we had spent a lot of time together, there might be parts I could refer to.
I leaned my head in slightly to look at her will.
Then she quickly stretched out both hands and flipped the will over.
"No, you can't. It's embarrassing."
It was a firm refusal, uncharacteristic of Yeon Haneul.
With a face full of wariness, she pulled the will close to her chest.
She seemed absolutely unwilling to show it.
"Why? What did you write?"
"Just... the orphanage teachers and kids, Master, Mother and Father, Yeeun... I wrote the last things I wanted to say to the people I've been indebted to. You know them too, so it's embarrassing to show you...."
"Is my name there too?"
"...."
Yeon Haneul pressed her lips tightly shut.
She quietly nodded her head, affirming my question.
While I could understand her bashfulness, this only made me more curious.
I leaned my body toward her.
She flinched, her shoulders trembling.
With her slender shoulders right below my gaze, I was freshly reminded that she was smaller than me.
"What? What did you write about me?"
"I-I can't say...."
"Why can't you? Can't you tell me just a little? I won't laugh."
"It really isn't a big deal...."
"If it's not a big deal, then you can tell me."
"Ugh...."
"Then tell me a short summary. You can do that, right?"
"You want to hear it that badly?"
"Of course."
"...You won't laugh? You won't think I'm weird? Okay?"
"I won't. I swear I won't think you're weird."
"Sigh... Really? Okay, fine."
"So what did you write?"
"To summarize a long, long story... just, just...."
"Just what?"
"...That I hope you live alone for the rest of your life."
"...."
Yeon Haneul kept stealing glances at me.
I was so dumbfounded that I was at a loss for words.
It took some time to come to my senses.
"...Haneul."
"Yeah...."
"Did you hate me that much?"
"Huh?"
"Why are you cursing me... What grudge do you hold against me... If you had one, you should have told me earlier. With the kind of relationship we have, why keep it bottled up and hurt my feelings...."
"No... How is this a curse?"
"Then if telling me to live alone for life isn't a curse, what is it? A blessing?"
"...."
"It's a curse, right?"
"S-sorry... I didn't mean it like that...."
"Then what did you mean?"
"...."
The flustered Yeon Haneul opened and closed her mouth.
Her face flushed bright red.
Without stopping my interrogation, I waited for her answer.
Eventually.
Yeon Haneul hung her head low and made a sound as if crawling inward.
Her face was hidden by her hair, which held a color befitting her name.
"I-I'll live alone for the rest of my life too... Write that in your will too...."
...What's with the self-curse?
Was she suggesting we reconcile evenly because we were cursing each other both ways?
I burst into laughter at the flow I couldn't understand.
"Fine, I'll put a curse in my will too. Or should the living follow the dead in death?"
"Huh? Really? Should we? It's tragic but romantic. I think facing death together isn't a bad death from a narrative perspective, and you too in your own way...."
"...."
...Why is she taking it seriously?
Yeon Haneul's red eyes sparkled.
I was at a loss for words once more.
* * *
"So what did you write?"
"Take a look."
As if she had been absolutely unwilling to show it before, Yeon Haneul neatly folded her will, placed it in the envelope, and asked.
I obediently handed her the will I had been writing.
Her eyes went round like a rabbit's.
"Are you sure I can see it?"
"There's nothing in it that I'd be reluctant to show others anyway."
"Hmm... You're definitely right. It feels somewhat formulaic?"
"Right?"
Yeon Haneul read my will and assessed it.
I had been thinking the same thing.
For a will written with much deliberation, the content was formulaic and crude.
Because of that, it inevitably gave the impression that my heart was missing from it.
She agreed too.
"It feels like your heart is somewhat restrained... How about trying to express the feelings inside a bit more honestly?"
"It doesn't go as well as I'd think. I don't even know my own heart well. What more can I write here?"
"Hmm... Apart from saying sorry for worrying your family or thanking them for raising you, is there nothing else you want to say?"
"Something else I want to say...."
"Yes, be a bit more honest with your heart. Don't be embarrassed."
"I've never been embarrassed?"
"Since this is a will where you bare your heart honestly, if you're not embarrassed, isn't that proof you haven't written it properly?"
"...You have a point. So you're saying I should write like someone with chuunibyou."
"No... That's not what I meant."
"I know, I was joking."
Yeon Haneul pouted.
I smirked at her reaction and pulled over the will placed in front of her.
Her words seemed to be right.
I seemed to need to be a little more honest with my inner feelings.
'Something... feels like it's coming to mind.'
I pick up the pen.
The hesitation doesn’t last as long as before.
Before I can even organize the thoughts rising in my mind, I simply transfer them onto the page.
There are many awkward sentences, and the flow is unnatural.
But that’s all right.
Even being incoherent is part of my heart.
I have plenty of time, so I can just revise it after I write everything down.
And so, without a hitch, I write freely and briskly.
“What are you writing?”
“It’s too embarrassing to say.”
“Hmph. Can’t you tell me, even just a little?”
“…That I was happy being with you all. You too, Haneul.”
“Ah… Yeah… Me too….”
“Then make sure you write that in your will too.”
Side Story: A Will
The reason the Academy encourages students who have only just enrolled to write a will is not simply to instill in them an awareness of death.
It also carries the meaning that they will be saying farewell to the ordinary days they have enjoyed until now, and the intention that they should live the rest of their lives to the fullest.
Life is long, yet short.
A hunter’s life is especially so.
For a hunter to live a long life is, in the end, a privilege granted only to the strong who have survived for a long time; most are not like that.
Their lives are such that they vanish before experiencing even half the life of an ordinary person.
So they must spend each day, each moment, in a way that leaves as few regrets as possible.
Hong Yena hoped that, in writing their wills, the students had realized that lesson.
‘Let’s see how the kids wrote them.’
A week passed, and Monday came.
Taking advantage of the fact that there were no afternoon classes, she decided to use this chance to check the wills submitted by the students in her class.
“Instructor Noeul, you know this too, but this is…”
“Yes, I know. It’s the students’ personal information, so I shouldn’t go around talking about it, right? I don’t have many friends, and I’m pretty good at keeping my mouth shut, so it’s fine!”
“…All right, as long as you know.”
She had told the students to treat death seriously and put care into writing their wills.
But in truth, she had no intention of reading them too meticulously.
She could not, merely because she was an instructor, carelessly peer into their honest feelings and secrets.
It would be rude to them.
Hong Yena reminded Yu Noeul once more of her own principle, then began unfolding the wills one by one with her.
‘How cute. I had times like this too.’
Most of the wills the students had submitted contained similar things.
‘I’m sorry for going first, thank you for raising me, I love you,’ and the like.
They were messages to the people who would mourn their deaths.
On the other hand, there were also occasional writings with a different atmosphere.
‘These kids… I’ll have to keep an eye on them.’
‘I’m coming to meet you now, I wanted to kill more of those bastards, I don’t want to die, I did the right thing, didn’t I?’ and so on.
They were wills written mostly by students who had poor family environments, lived unfortunate lives, or harbored hostility toward monsters.
After reading their wills, Hong Yena felt sorry for them.
It was as though their feelings were being conveyed through the wills with painful intensity.
Deciding to pay attention to them, she picked up another will.
‘Next is… Gyeonu’s, huh.’
It was Do Gyeonu’s will.
Seeing his name, Hong Yena gave a bitter smile.
This time, hoping that he had written his will sincerely, she opened it.
And after she read it.
“You should have written it like this from the start.”
Hong Yena snorted.
─ Will ─
Combat Division, Swordsmanship Track
First Year, Class 17, No. 11, Do Gyeonu
I lived a life without regrets.
Actually, I’m not sure.
When the time comes, there may be regrets I never even thought of.
Still, I hope that I lived a life without regrets and departed this world that way.
…(omitted)…
I don’t know how many people will be thinking of me as they read this.
To those people, I want to convey both my apology and my gratitude for mourning my death.
I’m sorry. And thank you.
…(omitted)…
Even so, I will say this to everyone: please don’t grieve over my death.
It may be a selfish desire, but I hope you’ll send me off with smiles.
Because only then do I think I’ll be able to leave this world in peace.
…(omitted)…
Mother, Father, I was truly glad that I could be born into this world as your son and live.
I was happy.
The fact that Mother was my mother, and Father was my father, was the greatest fortune of all to me.
If I can be born again, even then, I want to be born as Mother and Father’s child.
I’ll listen better then.
…(omitted)…
Writing this makes me feel regret.
Still, though I may have regrets, I lived a joyful life.
…(omitted)…
P.S.
Please tell Haneul.
I hope you live alone for the rest of your life.
I Became the Childhood Friend of the Mid-Boss