Thick air. Air that is suitably humid, suitably heavy, stabs into my lungs as it enters. Not a particularly pleasant feeling.
"Haah..."
I think back to before I fell asleep. There didn't seem to be anything good about remembering it, yet not remembering was nearly impossible.
I sold it. I uploaded a story that shouldn't be sold, a story I didn't want to reveal, onto Novelpia. What on earth was I thinking when I did that? Honestly, I uploaded it without a second thought. Maddened by my work, I mindlessly dumped it out.
Still, after sleeping and waking up, I had calmed down a little. My tangled thoughts were somewhat organized, and the puzzle pieces I had kicked away came into view. Gathering them one by one to form a single picture, only then did I calm down a bit.
...The sensation is new, the emotion is new. Haseoyun, I was Haseoyun. At the same time, I was Haseoyun. If you ask what kind of bullshit this is, there is no other way to explain it. I am Haseoyun and I was Haseoyun.
The Haseoyun who was originally the owner of this body died. It was a different method from how I died by smashing my head against a wall, but unfortunately, she died.
If I search for the reason in these memories, it was overall a problem with her lifestyle patterns. She didn't exercise but drank beverages like water, ate only about a spoonful of rice, and six cans of energy drinks a day was the norm.
The medicine from the psychiatrist that the doctor told her to take diligently after meals—she would forget and skip it, then binge it all at once. As for sleep, perhaps she thought herself an owl, for she only slept during the day. She even avoided the sun, saying it unpleasantly stung her skin. She didn't go outside. She didn't even go to the convenience store, solving everything through delivery.
Being me, she showed a lifestyle pattern similar to mine, but this side's Haseoyun showed a more terrible life. Unlike me, whose life had flowed by ordinarily from the start, hers had many twists and turns.
Perhaps because those twists had stimulated something in her, her life was dirtier and more terrible than mine. Put differently, it means I lived a fucked-up life on the same level as someone who lived such a hard life without any particularly huge twists, but let's gloss over that.
What mattered was the way she lived and the fact that she died. And that as she died, she earnestly wished while chasing the same dream as me.
"What on earth is the principle behind this? It's unrealistic."
【"I don't know that exactly either! But one thing is certain: this is connected to 'our' death and dream!"】
Death and dream.
That it was all because of that—me suddenly becoming a woman, and the crazy bitch calling herself a king appearing in my head.
As I looked through her entire life, I came to perfectly replace the dead her. That was because she harbored an intense dream of wanting to become an author, wanting to write, before she died, and I was someone who fit that dream.
Her dream and my dream coincided. Just as she had died, I too had died, and thus the lives of the same existence called Haseoyun and Haseoyun, yet clearly different existences, became mixed together.
When you mix paints of different colors, a new color invariably appears, but if you mix paints of the same color—and if that paint is black—no matter how much you mix them, it won't show.
I was that kind of existence.
Something that, due to the action of an inexplicable, unknowable force, came to live a second life, neither this nor that, replacing me to live my life. Black paint that was clearly mixed, yet unable to tell for itself whether it had been mixed or not.
I am Haseoyun. At the same time, Haseoyun.
Her life looked like nothing but good material, looked like a work, and I had rashly packaged it into writing.
But it was also my life. Though it wasn't my life, it was already my story engraved into body and mind. My body trembled violently from instinctive rejection, and nausea clouded my vision.
It's merely black. Precisely because it is simply black, even I cannot tell whether this is two paints mixed together, or if each paint merely exists separately.
I couldn't believe it from the start. Entering another me's body through my dream and wish, seeing her life, I had become something ambiguous—me, yet also her.
I, too, cannot believe myself. I hate me, I detest me. I doubt whether I am really me. Could this perhaps be her mental illness? Or could it be my mental illness? Even though I had confirmed the probability of that was low, I simply couldn't erase such thoughts.
【"There is no law that says you must face reality simply because it is real, nor must you unconditionally accept truth simply because it is true. First, how about slowly adapting to this body and life?"】
...Harse was right. Trying to force myself to face reality and accept the truth had left nothing but confusion and fear.
First... yes, it's adapting to this body. It is a body that has already lived 25 years, yet at the same time, for 25 years I was also a man. For now, I think of myself as closer to male Haseoyun.
So adapting to this small body, familiar yet unfamiliar, is the first priority. Thoughts... I can think later. Yes, lightly for now. Starting lightly.
They say humans are creatures of adaptation. If I finish adapting to this body... surely things would get a little better.
***
I was ruined. Far from adapting to my body, even moving and walking felt awkward. The bigger problem was that though this was my body, it didn't feel like my body at the same time, so looking at it felt as if I were voyeuristically watching someone else's body.
Wanting to feel a bit refreshed, I tried to take a shower, but taking off my clothes was a challenge from the start. As I undressed and my hand touched my own skin, I flinched and froze at just that.
The soft texture of the skin evoked a sense of sin, and looking at the discarded clothes... lowering my gaze from the clothes to my own body, likewise, a sense of sin welled up.
Even though I thought I'd wash up quickly and get dressed due to the consecutive combo of sinful feelings, that was the path toward the greatest obstacle. I had forgotten. The fact that washing means having to touch every corner of your own body.
Moreover, listening to the shower water made my head throb with pain. Perhaps because I had been taking a shower when I died, just hearing the sound gave me chills, and when water actually hit me, I curled up without realizing it.
In the end, no matter how much I tried to speed up washing my body, my hands moved sluggishly, the woman's hair was far too long, and I had to fight a battle in the bathroom until the fingerprints on my fingers became wrinkled.
【"I understand that feeling. I too had such times."】
"...What nonsense."
【"It is inevitable to be curious when you first see a woman's body. You were originally a man too, weren't you? There is nothing to be ashamed of."】
It was unfair. I wasn't particularly curious about my own body, nor had I tried to explore my body while going "ooh, aah." I didn't do things like staring intently at my own body out of curiosity.
"Don't get the wrong idea. I've never done that."
【"I am essentially you, so how do you try to deceive me? I know everything."】
"I said that's not true."
【"Tch, lying."】
Wrong. We couldn't communicate. Normally, with such an opponent, I'd just ignore them and be done with it, stop talking to them, but the problem was this bastard had taken residence inside my head.
【"I understand everything! Worry not!"】
Since she kept teasing me with an infuriating tone even as I said it wasn't like that, anger welled up and I couldn't stand it. But just because I couldn't stand it didn't mean I could expel her, so the bastard merely existed inside my head. It meant there was nothing I could do to her besides getting angry.
...No, perhaps there was one thing. Pretending to be indifferent, I tossed out the question that had formed while recalling what she'd said.
"You too were originally a man... if so, I suppose Harse was originally a man as well?"
【"Right? Though I cannot know for certain from only my case and yours, basically our... hm... possession? phenomenon seems to take the form of a man entering a woman's body!"】
A man enters a woman's body. Since the only references available were my and Harse's cases from the start, it couldn't be considered certain, and seeing Harse jabbering inside my head made it a story with low credibility.
But that wasn't what was important right now. What was important was that she too had originally been a man.
I recall. The person named Lord Hailou that Harse would look for at every chance. That name she called with a strangely shy voice, with a female voice that seemed like it would carry the scent of fruit.
"Lord Hailou was a man, right?"
【"Right?"】
"You liked Lord Hailou, right?"
【"W... what... There's no way!! Lord Hailou is...! Eung... No, of course... Uuu...!! I! Am! A man!!"】
"How far did you go with Lord Hailou?"
【"Uht... W... what are you asking!! How impertinent!!!! From the start we... w... weren't in a relationship... It was merely for work efficiency... Eung..."】
Bingo. As expected, Harse was a crazy bitch who had fallen into female degeneracy after TS. Seeing her twist her body and blush as soon as Lord Hailou was mentioned, I'd never seen such a female.
Of course, I couldn't see Harse's body, face, or anything at all... but there are things one can tell just from the voice. With this, hearing it made it impossible not to blurt out not "What's with that voice?" but rather "What a female...?"
"Please be quiet while imagining your beloved Lord Hailou. You're getting on my nerves."
【"I told you...!! We aren't like that...!!!"】
"Yes, please be quiet. If you aren't quiet, I'll keep mentioning him."
【"Uugh..."】
I successfully shut Harse's mouth. My head, which had been filled with chatter without a moment's peace, could finally relish the silence, and the silence felt like a refreshing breeze, calming my heart.
Zing—
The blaring notification sound of my cellphone completely shattered the stability I had only just found, but I digress.
There was no reason for my cellphone to ring except for advertisement messages. That was a common point no different whether I was a man or a woman. Then what was this notification suddenly ringing in succession, this vibration echoing? Had my phone suddenly evolved into a vibrating massager?
As if.
[【Novelpia】 (Emoji)] +12
There was only one answer. People had begun reacting to the post I uploaded, to my story uploaded on Novelpia.
My stomach, which had gotten a bit better, turned bad again. My story that I impulsively posted even though I knew I shouldn't. A story that wasn't mine. Recalling it, confusion found me again.
But more than that, I was happy.
[Life's Ruined, But I Have to Live] [→ : Share] [💜 : 145] [🔔 : 11]
[Author: Haneulgureumsatang]
[Views: 465] [Recommended: 49] [Life Pick: Before Reveal]
[#TS #RuinedLife #Modern #DailyLife #Drama]
[💜Favorites: 145] [🔔Alarms: 11] [📖Episodes: 5]
[Don't Want to Live, But Was Born, So It Can't Be Helped]
The response was good. The response to the novel was better than I had thought. 145 favorites and 11 alarms—even considering I uploaded 5 episodes at once, it was not a bad score. It was a good score.
Apart from the surging disgust, desire only grew. By selling my story, I had obtained a better start than ever before. In all the six works I had completed until now, I had never had such a good response from the beginning.
I know I shouldn't, but the corners of my mouth rose without me realizing it. I had made up my mind to delete the post, but that resolve had disappeared so cleanly that I wouldn't be able to find it even if I searched with washed eyes.
I sold myself.
And it sold well.
Then what should I do? Should I just keep writing? Should I keep selling myself? But I hate that. Because of the rejection and disgust toward myself, damage was dealt to the definition of this still-confused existence called "me."
I...
...
[Search: Life]
[Search: Life's Ruined, But I Have to Live]
[Search: Inmangsal]
[Search: New Work]
[Search: TS]
I decided to go into the Dokgal and start by searching.
...I'm going to delete it. I will, but the comments are good, and the views are decent... it's just, I'm merely curious about the Dokgal, which usually didn't show good reactions to my works.
What do they think of my work, my story? How are they seeing it? I am merely curious about that.
[This is tasty, surely]
[Author: ㅇㅇ]
(Screenshot of Life's Ruined, But I Have to Live)
It's got ripeness to it, surely.
A Ruined-Life Superhuman has appeared, surely.
[Upvotes 0] [Downvotes 0]
-
[ㅇㅇ: Crazy pedo bastard]
[ㅇㅇ: Who asked for 5 episodes]
[Ojum Syawo Joayong: Hm.. is it that good..?]
[ㅇㅇ: OK gonna binge it and be back]
[ㅇㅇ: It is tasty though]
[ㅇㅇ: (Hmm.. it's good... Mikkucon)]
...I didn't need any other reactions.
There were definitely people who liked my writing. Not just one, but several.
The moment I saw that.
"Like a withered branch...? No, is a rotten branch better...?"
【"How about a branch so withered it has rotted?"】
"...What would you know about writing."
【"You're not exactly an expert either, are you?"】
"....Shut up. I know better than you, at least."
【"You say that, but you accepted my opinion! Splendid!"】
...I was already writing.