32.
“Because what you are doing, Lord Isaac, is not strange. It is good.”
With both hands clasped in prayer.
Serena looked at me as if she were standing before a statue of a god.
‘……What is this?’
This was going in a different direction than I’d expected.
It is not strange.
You are under no suspicion.
It should have ended somewhere around there.
‘Good, she says.’
Serena rose from her seat.
There was something in the gaze with which she looked down at me, something difficult to explain.
Was it similar to the way Chloe looked at me?
No, it felt different in kind again….
While I was deep in thought, Serena continued speaking as if reciting a hymn.
You care for those tormented by curses.
You seek no reward from anyone.
Though you have accomplished what the Order could not,
you humbly bow your head.
With every word she uttered, her deep, gentle gaze enveloped me.
Every single thing she said was far too much for me.
All I had done was put them to sleep and loosen up their bodies.
And it wasn’t that I didn’t seek a reward. You were the one who only paid two coins.
That was all I thought inwardly.
But I didn’t let it show, and forced myself to smile.
Now that the suspicion of heresy had been covered up, it wasn’t as if I could suddenly say, “No. Actually, I’m really nothing special.”
If Serena was looking at me favorably, maybe I should just let her.
Even if it was full of holes, the immediate problem had been solved for now.
Serena, who had risen from her seat, headed toward the door.
Then she looked back at me.
Her gaze was soft, and yet filled with mercy.
“Please take care of yourself, Lord Isaac.”
It was the same concern as always.
But there was one more thing she said that was not as usual.
“Because I now have one more reason to protect you.”
Serena left.
Leaving only those same two coins on the table.
I sat quietly in the consultation office, alone.
It was a little late to say this now, but it really did leave a bad taste in my mouth.
I had resolved not to use hypnosis, only to use it right away.
But it couldn’t be helped.
This was the only way to escape the sudden topic of a heresy trial.
‘…I suppose it’s been wrapped up well enough.’
I put the two coins into my pocket.
All while pushing aside the thought that if I kept getting through every situation like this, it might cause trouble someday.
***
The candlelight flickered.
Beneath the cathedral, in a private prayer room.
I was kneeling inside.
“……I pray that he remains safe today as well.”
A prayer I always offered to the Lord as a saintess.
But its contents were different from usual.
For my usual prayers were like this.
Take away the burdens of the faithful.
Bestow Your grace upon their anguish.
Even knowing that.
I was once again offering this sort of prayer.
“May even a little of the weight upon his shoulders be lightened…….”
It was irreverent.
For I was using a heart meant for all upon only one person.
‘…Yes, I am aware.’
‘I know full well that one person has been entering my prayers far too often lately.’
But even while thinking that, I could not stop.
Because I had heard what he said during our last consultation.
With what heart he had opened that consultation office in that back alley.
How hard he was trying as he looked after his exhausted guests.
“…May rest dwell within him.”
Lately, one person’s voice would not leave my mind.
If it obstructed prayer in any form, then it was surely a wicked temptation.
I ought to cast it off.
‘I will not.’
Because he was a person who carried the Lord’s will.
Instead, I merely repeated it to myself as if savoring it.
When the time came, I finished my prayer and rose.
When I stepped outside, I saw Agnes waiting.
As we walked side by side down the corridor, I received her daily report.
The reorganization of the Order, patrols, other miscellaneous duties.
And the schedule for visiting the consultation office.
I listened quietly, but when the consultation office came up, my steps slowed on their own.
“Who will be going to the consultation office tomorrow?”
“I will go.”
“…I see. I leave it to you.”
A brief silence passed.
And because I could not suppress the desire to ask, I ended up asking after all.
“Agnes.”
“Yes.”
“Isaac… no, is the counselor doing well?”
Agnes flinched slightly.
Then she answered with her cheeks faintly flushed.
“He seems to be doing well. He still always asks for me by name whenever I go.”
Her tone sounded proud.
For some reason, I found it difficult to smile at that sight.
“I will continue my report. The day before yesterday, Lady Levantia and two maids visited, and yesterday, Lady Sinclair and….”
Agnes was a person faithful to her duties.
So even after noticing that my smile had vanished, she quietly continued her report.
And at the very end, she added one more thing.
“It seems no suspicious individuals have visited the consultation office.”
It was undoubtedly a good thing.
But even as I nodded, my expression gradually sank.
Lady Levantia visited.
Lady Sinclair visited.
Other young ladies I did not know well, and maids too.
‘Lord Isaac.’
‘Are you doing well at the consultation office?’
‘……Even though I am not there.’
That final thought lodged itself in me like a thorn.
Jagged thorns were scratching wounds all throughout my heart.
Even so, this was the one emotion I absolutely could not acknowledge.
For I already knew I was someone who must not be like this.
***
A few afternoons later, a letter arrived at the office.
An official letter bearing the seal of the Archbishop of the Holy Kingdom.
I broke the seal and read it.
We trust the Listener’s judgment.
The heresy inquiry against Isaac Sinclair is to be withdrawn, and a schedule for your return is to be arranged.
You cannot leave your post vacant for long.
Delayed confessions are piling up, and there are those in the Holy Kingdom waiting for you.
After reading the letter, I remained still for a long while.
I had to return.
I knew that in my head.
Now that his suspicions had been resolved, there was no reason for me to remain here.
My calling did not lie in that shabby consultation office, but in the confessional of the Holy Kingdom.
I looked out the window.
At the city sky.
When I first came here, my only purpose had been to investigate heresy.
That was why I prepared instruments of judgment and looked upon him with an inquisitor’s eyes.
But he had been innocent.
And I sent a report to that effect.
Now the investigation was over.
‘Then why can I not bring myself to take a step?’
I thought of Lord Isaac’s consultation office.
A shabby wooden building.
The money his guests gave him was barely enough to cover a day’s meals.
Even in the midst of that, he limited the number of consultations to three so he could focus on each guest.
A person who accomplished what the Order could not, yet demanded nothing.
If I left such a person behind and returned, what awaited me was….
‘A life of only listening once again.’
One corner of my heart ached.
But that was all right.
It was what I had done all my life, and it was a meaningful duty.
The problem was that the thoughts I was having now were not of that kind.
‘If I return, I will no longer be able to hear his voice.’
That thought weighed down on my chest.
‘Come to your senses, Serena. You must not think such things.’
The pious part of me scolded me from within.
It was right.
The thoughts I was having now were thoughts I must not have.
‘Because I have a calling.’
I could not abandon thousands of faithful for the sake of one person.
I wrote a reply stating that I would prepare to return.
As I waited for the ink to dry, I looked out the window again.
‘Just once more before I go back.’
‘That voice, just once more.’
This much should be all right, shouldn’t it?
You are a merciful Lord, after all.
For one who delivers God’s will in His stead, surely You would permit this much?
***
It was the day of my visit to the consultation office.
“I will go alone today.”
I spoke firmly to the worried Agnes.
“Because it is the last time.”
At those words, Agnes’s expression also turned somber.
And so I walked alone.
Out of the cathedral and onto the main road.
Off the main road and into a narrow alley.
At last, the consultation office came into view, its door open.
Laughter could be heard from inside.
It was Lady Levantia’s voice.
When I secretly looked inside, the scene became clearer.
Lord Isaac answered something, and Lady Levantia burst into laughter.
And beneath that, what I saw was the lapis lazuli bracelet on Lord Isaac’s wrist.
‘I bestowed a blessing upon that.’
If an item I had blessed was being used well, it should have been something to rejoice over.
But when I saw it hanging on his wrist as if it belonged to her.
‘My chest aches again.’
What was this emotion?
I had an idea.
‘…It is not that.’
I firmly denied that possibility.
Even so, I found myself thinking.
‘Even if I leave, you will remain here.’
In a place without me.
Together with others.
For some reason, I felt wretched.
Just as I was about to turn away.
Lady Levantia came out from inside.
When she saw me, she looked startled, then soon regained her smile.
“Oh my, isn’t it the saintess?”
We exchanged light greetings.
When she asked if I would soon be returning to the Holy Kingdom, another corner of my chest ached.
Leaving her behind, I entered the consultation office.
Lord Isaac had been tidying the table when he looked at me.
“Lady Serena? Today is…….”
He meant that the consultations were already over.
I knew that.
But it was the last time.
‘Lord. You will forgive this as well, won’t You?’
Thinking that, I smiled.
“I apologize for coming so suddenly.”
I forced myself to sit, saying I had something to tell him.
“I came because there is something I must inform you of. An order to return has come from the Holy Kingdom.”
Lord Isaac’s eyes moved slightly.
“Because the report regarding the suspicion of heresy has been accepted.”
And then, I ended up saying aloud the fact I did not want to say.
“It seems I will be leaving this place soon.”
My voice was lower than usual.
I myself did not really know why I had come without warning to tell him this.
But upon hearing it, Lord Isaac said,
“Ah, I see.”
And smiled brightly.
“Then you can return in peace now. That’s a relief.”
A relief.
That word lingered in my ears.
‘So my leaving is a relief to you.’
It was only natural for the departure of a heresy inquisitor to be a relief.
Even for someone innocent, they would surely be an object of fear.
‘I know.’
‘I know, but still.’
When I saw Lord Isaac’s relieved face.
Before I knew it, these words slipped from my mouth.
“It may still be too early to call it a relief.”
Lord Isaac’s face filled with surprise.
Seeing that, I could not stop.
“The suspicion of heresy against you, Lord Isaac, has not yet been completely cleared.”
Ordinarily, I should have simply thanked him for everything and left.
That would have been the proper conduct as the Listener.
But what came out of my mouth was not such words.
‘…What did I just say?’
I was the one who had sent the report saying there was no suspicion of heresy.
I was the one who had been certain that what he did was good.
And yet, words overturning all of that had just—
“—What I just said was my mistake….”
“…Is that true?”
Lord Isaac cut me off.
His eyes were uneasy.
“Then do I still remain under suspicion?”
His gaze trembled from side to side.
“But you are leaving, Lady Serena? Th-then, surely another heresy inquisitor won’t….”
Ah.
My heart pounded.
This man was afraid right now.
Afraid that after I left, someone else might come.
Afraid that he might be left alone.
He was looking at me.
Unable to ask me to protect him. Pitifully.
‘…So this is what I wanted to see.’
What I had felt earlier, outside the door, as I watched that warm scene without me in it.
That I wanted to be someone he needed.
That I wanted to be inside there too.
That inside there, I wanted there to be only me.
That was the scene before my eyes now.
‘But I must not do this.’
Because speaking falsehoods was to forsake one’s duty as a person before even being a saintess.
I had to take it back.
And yet.
‘How could I take it back after seeing those eyes?’
“…The suspicion of heresy.”
In the end, I gave voice to it.
Clearly, and firmly.
So that he would be frightened.
“Has not yet been completely resolved.”
Lord Isaac’s eyes grew even wider.
The inside of my chest no longer ached.
“If you wish it, Lord Isaac.”
Instead, there was a hot sensation, unlike anything usual.
“I could remain and prove your innocence.”
If I say this, you will not be able to refuse, will you?
Feeling the sin swell within me.
Even though I knew what answer would come, I said those words at last.