2. Mother (2)
[Hurry and come... Minwook. Please...]
Leaving my older sister's words behind, I grabbed the car keys and just ran out.
I didn't even think about booking a bus, train, or flight. I just started the car and recklessly stepped on the accelerator.
*
Room 502, Dongsan Hospital, Daegu.
Sweat was pouring down the man's face like rain.
"Mother..."
My older sister, Seo Minyoung, let go of our mother's hand and stepped back.
Sitting down, I grasped the hand of my frail, aged mother that was slightly sticking out from the hospital bed.
It was emaciated, yet far too rough for a woman's hand.
Calluses.
Wrinkles.
Thick knuckles, joint by joint.
"Son. Why did you come all the way here when you're busy?"
My mother, whose hand I held, smiled broadly.
What could make her so happy.
"You should... have... told me... Why do you always make me out to be the bad guy..."
My throat choked up slightly.
I felt like I would burst into tears if I spoke any longer.
"It's natural to hurt here and there when you get old. I didn't want to get in the way of my busy son."
I am the strongest in the world to my mother, but my mother is the strongest in the world to everyone except me.
Only to me was she endlessly weak.
Even at this very moment.
I stroked my mother's white hair.
My hands trembled violently.
Because she dyed it whenever I occasionally saw her, I hadn't known it had turned this white.
"Our mother is still, ugh... still pretty..."
"I missed you. My son. For my son to come to me like this, I have no regrets now."
"Is there anything you want to eat?"
"Is there anywhere you want to go and visit?"
"Mother, Mom. Mom. Tell me what you want to do. I'll do it for you. Okay?"
I felt my mother's eyes growing heavy. Meeting her gaze, I forced my voice out.
Why now of all times.
If only I had remained ignorant, I could have just shed a tear and lived my life.
Why am I forced to part with her just as I'm coming to understand her love?
Or is it the thoughtless prank of heaven, making us realize the depth of that love only when it's time to part?
"It's nice to hear you say... Mom. I was really disappointed that you stopped calling me Mom because you'd grown up."
My chest heaved.
Could such a feeling exist in this world?
My heart ran wild, and my eyes burned red.
"I want to... study... I want to study too."
Why did our parents urge us so desperately to study when we were young?
Perhaps it was because the path to success varied depending on the extent of one's education, both for those who were educated and for those who weren't in their own ways...
It's a parent's heart hoping that at least their children could live an easier life.
My mother couldn't do it, even though she wanted to.
That studying.
"Let's do it all. Think of something else you want to do, Mom."
"Do you still have the talisman Mom gave you? Make sure to keep it with you, and when you're having a hard time, when you're really, really struggling, try doing what Mom tells you to do. Just pretend you're being scammed..."
Even in the moment of her passing, she was always worrying about me.
The heart I had been holding together collapsed.
"Ugh, uuugh... I'm sorry, Mom. I'm, I'm sorry..."
Mother gave no further answer.
"Mom!!!!!"
My older sister wailed.
Just like that, my mother left my side.
*
I was wearing a black suit with a mourner's armband on my left arm.
Grief is grief, but there were still things that needed to be done.
"Minwook. Come here quickly. You're going to collapse at this rate."
"I'm fine, Uncle."
"Come here. Sit down."
In the end, led by the hand of my eldest uncle, I took a seat.
"Working at a big company really does make a difference. They even send people to look after you."
"Yes..."
"Have a drink."
"Yes."
The words 'Daehyun Motors' were clearly printed on the paper cup offered by my eldest uncle. The company I had devoted over ten years of loyalty to. I was a capable employee recognized by the company, but what meaning does that hold now? By devoting myself to that company and living breathlessly, I ended up turning a blind eye to what was truly precious.
"I told you, you punk. You should have treated her better while she was here."
"Yes..."
"Before Gyeongsuk died, you should have at least given her a grandchild. Not even married yet, you punk..."
"......"
Perhaps because he had to send off his youngest sibling first, my eldest uncle drank quite a lot.
Frost had also settled white on the heads of the two uncles sitting there, but they were still hale and hearty.
"If our eldest brother were alive, he would have let Gyeongsuk study, and we would have learned more to live like proper people."
"Brother, why are you bringing this up and saying useless things?"
The second uncle scolded his older brother, who was only a year older.
"That's right. Even thinking about it now, I regret it time and time again. Otherwise, he should have at least come back alive and well. Why did he have to go and die so early?"
"Brother... Let's please stop talking about eldest brother."
"Gyeongsuk died and it just reminds me of him, so I'm saying it. Gyeongsuk liked that eldest brother so much. It was enough to make me jealous watching from the sidelines."
"Brother, it seems it's about time for you to go too. Go to heaven and argue with him there. But I don't hate eldest brother. It was just that the times were so harsh back then. It's not eldest brother's fault."
The eldest uncle's face flushed slightly.
"You rascal, do you think I hate him? I understand it all now too. I just said it because I miss him..."
"Please continue drinking. I need to go receive the guests."
Leaving my bickering uncles behind, I stood up from my seat.
Because it was late at night, there were hardly any mourners.
I stepped out for some fresh air and lit a cigarette.
'Eldest uncle... No, the real first uncle...'
I also knew of the existence of the eldest uncle—the real first uncle.
The name my mother would sing like an old passing song whenever she got drunk.
- Mom had an older brother. Mom really liked him. He was tall and handsome. He did judo back then, and we all thought that if he were alive, he would have won a gold medal at the Olympics.
- Right? When I look at our son, I think of my older brother. You look so much alike. I liked him so much that I said I would marry him later.
- There was a time when Mom really hated my older brother. He took all the family's money and lost it all in stocks or something. Because of that, Mom had to go to work right away. I barely graduated from elementary school.
Sitting on the bench, I lit a cigarette.
I pulled a smartphone out of my pocket.
ᄀ
A very concise pattern.
The lock patterns of the elderly are usually all the same anyway.
Mom's phone.
Mother had already closed her eyes, and I had unlocked the pattern to contact her acquaintances.
Finally finding the time, I looked into the phone again out of curiosity.
When I entered the photo album, Mother's own history shone through.
My fingers scrolled up and down.
More than half of the unorganized photos were of me.
In Mom's life, her child was her entire being—ten out of ten.
My eyes grew red once again.
Life tends to be like that.
Those who are exceptionally filial are a minority, and those who are exceptionally unfilial are even fewer.
Just being tossed here and pushed there by the waves of the world.
Like most children, I just made a moderate show of filial piety and moderately turned a blind eye.
I resent the world that was too busy looking forward, and I regret being one of the vast majority who were not exceptionally outstanding.
"Next time, I'll take care of our mom. Ugh... Next time, for real. Since I'll be born first, you can whine to me. Mom..."
The contrary frog is sad.
If only I hadn't come to my senses until the very end, it would have been better.
People, too,
And contrary frogs.
Regrets always arrive too late.
*
"Mom. I'm here."
My mother fell into eternal sleep in a mountain village in Goryeong, North Gyeongsang Province, my father's hometown.
And today is the one-year anniversary of my mother's passing.
The anniversary of my mother's death.
I heard my sister visited our mother with her husband in her own way. Just like a year ago, I was always late.
That's just how life in your forties, bogged down by work, is.
Always a sinner to someone, always underappreciated, yet forced to run without any support.
Even today, despite it being the anniversary of my mother's death, I had to go to work and write a report.
"I miss Dad too. But I feel sorry for Dad, but I miss Mom a little more."
I pulled the weeds around the grave myself, laid out a mat, placed rice cakes and fruits, and poured soju into a cup.
And on the mat, I spread out the talisman my mother had instructed me about.
There wasn't a single breeze, but just in case, I placed a small stone on top of the talisman to weigh it down.
Talisman.
My mother said it was written by a powerful Daoist she knew, or perhaps that it was a talisman descended from heaven. Even after receiving it, I forgot about it for a while.
The first time I received that talisman was probably when I was going through a really hard time and was frequently irritated.
Battered here and there against the walls of reality.
"This. It's a powerful talisman, so when you really need it, try doing what Mom tells you to do. Alright?"
"Ah! How many times did I tell you not to waste money on useless things like this?"
"No. This is really powerful..."
"So if you have money to spend on this kind of thing, you should have at least given it to your son!"
I remember.
The sight of me snapping at my mother, exhausted by the frequent overtime at work and the verbal abuse from my boss.
I stared blankly down at the talisman.
The past year flashed through my mind.
I graduated from college and worked myself to death.
Work-life balance?
What a joke.
That's how work is.
At first, I started working to become a great person,
Then I worked even harder to make a lot of money.
As I worked, I grew older,
As I grew older, I somehow needed useless things, and I constantly needed more money.
Buying a car, buying a house, buying clothes, buying food.
Like a squirrel running on a wheel, time was consumed like that, and when I looked back, I was already over forty.
After my mother's death, I spent my spare time studying Korea's past.
I thoroughly combed through the major and minor events of the Republic of Korea from the 1960s to the 2010s.
The development process of the Korean economy.
Major growth industries by era.
Where and how to invest in land to make money.
Who the people in power were at the time, given the nature of those eras.
I studied and studied again.
I stuffed my head to its limit. How could I fit 60 years of events into one head, but I still did as much as I could.
Since there were some parts I had naturally experienced and learned while living through them, I figured I would know to some extent if I had memorized this much.
That day a year ago, what my mother had instructed me.
-When you're really, really struggling, try doing what Mom tells you to do. Just pretend you're being scammed...
She said if I wrote my name in my own blood on the back of the talisman and wrote the desired date, I would return to that time.
Write my name and the date in blood and eat the talisman.
It was absurd.
No matter how hard my reality was, how could such a talisman be reasonable?
At the time, I just thought my mother had definitely been scammed, and I resented and grumbled about my ignorant mother.
Still, it was a relief that I didn't throw it away in some corner and kept it safe.
After my mother passed away, I asked around her friends and found that Daoist to meet him.
I went there determined to grab him by the collar and punch him once if he looked like a scammer, but for some reason, his energy was strangely peculiar.
"Daoist. Is this talisman really real?"
"If you believe, it will be real; if you don't, then that's that..."
"What if I write someone else's name?"
The Daoist's half-closed eyes widened.
"You will live as that person. However, the date becomes meaningless. You cannot enter the body of a living person, so you will enter and live again once the original owner dies..."
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