"..."
I had definitely died.
My face had frozen to the ice.
Like a rat stuck to a mousetrap, like a fruit fly caught on flypaper, I knew I could never break free, but I still thrashed about because I wanted to live, because I wanted to survive. And yet I could clearly feel snowflakes blooming across my entire body, as if death were something that could never be avoided.
On the skin pressed against the ice, I suddenly felt a burning pain, then learned, with a chill that reached my bones, the process of sensation itself disappearing.
When the sun set, a merciless cold I could no longer endure wrapped around my entire body, and the snowflakes blooming on the ground became clumps of snow that soon covered my vision.
I could no longer feel my body, as if it had frozen solid, but I was aware that my insides, my organs, my blood, were cooling. I had died miserably, with no one to know, with no meaning to it whatsoever.
This is not a dream, but reality. And yet I am alive.
Not because my desperate wish reached someone and I survived, but as if nothing had happened at all.
The proof is that there is no trace of frostbite anywhere on my body, and that I am still naked.
"Ah..."
I wanted to live.
But the moment I came to know death, I also learned that hope was a fleeting thing.
"Aah..."
I wanted to live.
But I had wanted to survive, not live like this.
"Ah!!!!"
I wanted to live.
Suddenly, I remembered what the goddess had said to me.
She had mentioned several abilities, saying they would definitely help, but there was one word I had not heard properly because she had been cut off while speaking.
Regression.
That was probably the ability.
I really did want to live.
But like this, with an ability that was supposed to help me, regressing on this sea ice where no resources could be seen at all, was not an ability. It was a curse.
They say the ability called regression is another chance, and another, and yet another chance for some people.
But no matter how strong someone’s mind was, no matter how positive they were, could they endure if they ended up in the same situation as me?
Could they handle it?
"Uaaaaah!!!!"
I know myself well.
I absolutely do not possess the philosophy or mental strength to be a protagonist.
I am an ordinary person you could find anywhere, and I can never handle a situation like this.
There is nothing I can do.
Hoping someone would help me.
Hoping somewhere else might have different terrain.
Hoping I might rather be attacked and killed, I ran, I sprinted, and I screamed to let it be known that I was here.
Like a madman.
No.
I am someone who has gone mad.
The sun sets.
The sun sets.
The sun sets again.
I stand on my two legs as if nothing is wrong.
I stand on my two legs as if nothing is wrong.
I stand on my two legs as if nothing is wrong.
" "
They say the mind wears down just like the body.
If I was going to keep facing death anyway, I wanted to lose my mind entirely, but just as my whole body regressed as if nothing had happened, my mind also became clear again.
I have already died four times.
Was it four? Was it really four?
I hate the cold.
If I run, I get warm, but I know it becomes even colder afterward.
I know it more painfully than anyone, and yet even though I want to let everything go and collapse, I cannot even sit properly for fear my skin will stick to the ice.
But I’m tired, huh, it stuck again, or did it? Am I just too exhausted to get up?
[You waited, right!!!]
" "
A voice. I definitely heard a voice.
Someone is calling me. Who is it? Who?
[Aren’t you happy to see me?]
" "
[Hello?]
"Please save me. Please help me."
[It’s me, I’m telling you.]
"There’s someone here."
[Wait, get a hold of yourself...]
"I’m here!! I don’t know who you are, but please, please help me!!!!"
[ ]
"I’m sane right now, so I’m happy to see you! I’m happy to see you! It’s a pleasure!"
There was a snap, and my vision went dark.
And then I came face-to-face with a face I felt I had seen somewhere before, one I was absolutely not happy to see. Rather, it was a face I ought to regard with hostility, but one I could not curse at either.
"Are you back to your senses? I was still trying to, huh?! Take responsibility..."
"I was trying to take responsibility, take responsibility?"
"..."
I have to speak.
Words. How do you do that again?
I want to express what I’m thinking properly right now.
Please save me, help me, please.
Not that. What words would make this person happy?
If someone helps me, I should thank them.
"Thank you."
"Of course you should be grateful! But just a liiittle..."
"I should be grateful! I should be grateful!!"
I know I’m speaking strangely right now, but proper words won’t come out.
If I do this, she’ll think I’m strange.
She won’t help me, and she might expel me from this place that isn’t cold.
I hate the cold, I hate the cold, I hate the cold.
"What on earth happened to you? How many times did you die?"
"What on earth happened to you? How many times did you die? Did you die, did you die."
"Ugh, you’re noisy. Be quiet."
The moment she told me to be quiet, I literally could not utter words.
It was not that something had blocked my mouth, but as if the words that should have come out were caught near my throat and forced back down.
"... ... ... ...Good heavens."
" "
"..."
She is looking at me with pity in her eyes.
Ah, I remember her face now.
She’s the goddess.
The root cause who made me like this.
The fucking bitch who threw me into hell just because I cursed at her.
No. I must not curse.
If I curse again, she might kick me out once more.
I have to coax her. I have to coax her and persuade her to let me meet a complete death. Persuade.
To persuade someone, I need to speak. But how do I speak?
Right now, she told me to be quiet, so no words are coming out.
"I’m sorry. I’m really sorry."
" "
If you were really sorry, shouldn’t you have come sooner?
I want to ask if saying sorry makes everything over, but I can’t see properly, and the corners of my eyes are growing warm.
Why did you come so late?
I wanted so badly to escape a death I could never get used to, no matter how many times I died. You should never have given me an ability like regression.
"Anyway, I got you a perk that can move you to another region, but what I said turned into a word of power."
"..."
"So, though it will still be cold, I’ll let you start over on an ice sheet instead of sea ice with absolutely nothing on it."
Sea ice was hell. Would an ice sheet be any different?
Fine. There will be something, at least.
Wait, how does this game progress again?
I can’t remember.
"I’d like to let you personally choose your character traits, but that’s under my authority, so there’s nothing I can do about that. If you tell me anything you want, though, I can let things proceed that way. How’s that? Not bad, right?"
"..."
"Why aren’t you saying anything? You don’t like it?"
"... ..."
"You told me to take responsibility, so in my own way, I’m doing my best to take responsibility. Are you saying even this isn’t enough? You’re really something, you know?"
When she tapped my mouth, she seemed to recall what she had done and made a gesture with her hand, and I became able to speak.
I do not want to start over.
I want to plead with her to end this pain, to say I cannot endure the pain that is to come.
I just want to ask her to kill me, to let me die, but judging by the way this goddess is talking, she has absolutely no intention of letting me go.
"You’re grateful, right? While I was at it, I buried the memories of the times you died deep down, so since I think that’s why you were annoyingly copying what I said, I took care of it. How is it? Great, right?"
"Thank you..."
"As long as you know. Then now I don’t have anything to feel sorry to you about~"
The fact that she says she has nothing to feel sorry about now might mean that, rather than guilt over what she did, she is only doing this because if she simply watches in silence, I will keep dying the exact same way.
Even if the other party reacts like a child, a god is still a god.
It might all be an act.
I must not give her anything to hold against me.
"For traits... hm, I did feel bad, so I’ll give you this one."
"What is it?"
"It was hard because you were in a cold place, right? So~ pyro..."
"That is absolutely, absolutely, absolutely not allowed!!"
I ended up shouting without realizing it.
No matter how high the stats are, if the Pyromaniac trait is attached, it is something you have to filter out.
The way I see it, she is not babbling as if she knows nothing.
This is all definitely part of a plan.
If I curse, she’ll use that as justification to make me a Pyromaniac.
"Why? If you set fires, it gets warm, so isn’t that good?"
"I don’t know about anything else, but that one really won’t do. Goddess. If I can’t choose, is there no problem with me asking you to let me start with a trait like this?"
"To a certain extent?"
Think.
The most useful tier-one trait on the rim.
What is it? What was it?
"Oh right, if you select multiple traits, because of the time limit on how long you can stay here, you might get kicked out halfway through. So don’t be too greedy."
" "
The time limit is probably a lie too.
There is also a possibility it is a trick to make me impatient.
...
If I followed my heart, I would like to put in both Tough and Quick, but the probability of them appearing together is one thing, and if bad traits or incapabilities get plastered all over me, that would be an emergency in itself.
Let’s choose just one trait I need most.
...
I’ve decided.
"Tough. Please put that in no matter what. And... make it so I have no illnesses or injuries, an adult but still young. And without any incapabilities."
"Hm... ..."
After that, when she began manipulating something without another word, my body changed endlessly.
My hands grew larger, then smaller.
My chest grew larger, then smaller.
My height also increased, then decreased.
As if my very existence had become a toy that could be easily altered with a single click, I changed, and changed, and changed, and changed.
But I am not shocked by this.
Changing is better than dying.
"Ah, the time’s starting to make me nervous..."
"..."
"Incapable of art and research. You can’t give these up?"
Think, think.
Art does not matter, but research hurts.
But if I think about the future, this is a solo start. It does not mean I will be alone forever.
I can make the settlers who come in the future do it.
"I will give them up."
"I like how clean that is. Then we’ll decide on this. As for the map... flat places seem bad, so I’ll just send you somewhere with a decent number of rocks."
"...Thank you."
"This is as much as I can do. Whether I can do more for you or not depends on you, so do your best and survive on your own."
When the goddess gestures with her hand, my vision goes dark.
It is undeniably true that I have neither the method nor the ability to do anything to that goddess.
It is also true that even if I am treated like an amusing toy, I can never rebel. But if the chance for revenge ever comes, I will seize it without hesitation.
If possible, that is.