Episode 44
Mr. Turner answered in a flat voice. Sasha sank back against the chair with a long sigh.
Calmly, she rubbed her face with her palm once more. Though she had only poured out part of it, she felt strangely steadier afterward.
It was something she could never have imagined in the past.
Sasha could not bring herself to say that the problem was feeling things like envy or jealousy.
Nor could she say that she had grown up in an environment where such emotions were not permitted, and had become adept at swallowing them down—no, that she had believed she had.
For Sasha, those emotions were forbidden.
Yes. That was why, ever since childhood, she had suppressed them over and over, brainwashing herself into not even feeling them because they were not emotions that belonged to her.
And yet, jealousy now. Envy now. As if that were not enough, she had not even hidden it; for one fleeting instant, she had let an envious expression show. The sight of herself like that was so unfamiliar she could hardly bear it.
……Sasha did not dare confess that much to Mr. Turner.
Even if she did, he would only reply with that uninterested face of his, saying something worse than saying nothing at all.
“So, because he is not only quite decent as a person, but also kept prodding at your inferiority complex the entire time you met, you have decided to give up marrying him. Is that what you mean?”
“I told you. He was also far more innocent than I expected.”
“Yes. So…… because he was also more innocent than expected, you thought you might feel guilty……?”
With a face utterly devoid of even the slightest interest, Mr. Turner organized the things she had confided in him as though arranging the sequence of events.
Silence fell again.
Mr. Turner pondered with what was, for him, a fairly serious expression.
“……Hmm. Miss Grayson.”
“Yes.”
“This is an entirely obvious fact, but since you seem to be overlooking it, I will point it out anew. That man, Captain Pinscher, is not a little boy. He is a fully grown adult man. And even setting that aside, he is not simply innocent, nor is he someone unable to withstand anything harsh. Do you know how he came to hold the rank of ‘captain’ at such a young age in the first place? If you look into the deeds he accomplished in battle……”
Mr. Turner had been speaking at length as though explaining an obvious truth, but when he saw the listener’s expression, he stopped.
Sasha, whether he did or not, whether the lawyer before her creaked about in ridiculous movements or not, pouted with a face twisted like a child’s.
“What if I end up feeling too sorry toward him later?”
“Then confess honestly even now.”
“……That I’m a fake?”
He was already a man with a deep distrust of people. If she confessed that…
“He doesn’t trust people. In fact, from the very first time I brought up marriage, he looked at me as though I were a swindler. When I refused to give up and kept following him around, he even glared at me outright like I was a swindler.”
“You even followed him around? That is somewhat…… I see.”
Sasha continued, holding back the urge to hit Mr. Turner once.
“What if I tell him, and then say we should call off the marriage? This lie doesn’t harm him in any way to begin with.”
“I wonder about that. I think you are too confident, Miss Grayson. Is there any guarantee that no one will reveal your identity in the meantime?”
Sasha’s expression stiffened.
Because she had immediately recalled the anonymous letter sent to Jeffrey, accusing her of being a swindler.
Like Mr. Turner the lawyer, she thought of Theodore, the old servant whom Lady Rosalyn had trusted most.
His work had been “to keep Lady Rosalyn’s secrets.”
“……Theo will find them soon enough. You don’t need to worry about that part.”
Listening to Sasha mutter in a somewhat ominous voice, Mr. Turner quietly added,
“Please refrain from murder, Miss Grayson.”
At his heartless words, Sasha looked at him with an expressionless face.
“Of course. I won’t make it homicide.”
“……Miss Grayson.”
At Mr. Turner’s stern tone, Sasha replied calmly.
“What? Suicide isn’t a crime.”
“Are you still considering retiring by ‘that method’?”
“Is there any method cleaner than that? It’s best to die and disappear. No one will look for me. My identity and all that won’t cause a commotion belatedly, either. Would they dig up someone already buried in a grave just to ask questions?”
Mr. Turner shook his head at Sasha’s more stubborn attitude than he had expected.
“Well, do as you please.”
As always, he answered indifferently.
“So you intend to marry that man without telling him until the end.”
“…….”
“Miss Grayson.”
Sasha was silent for a moment before answering.
“I will make sure nothing ever harms him. I won’t be found out. Never. For my own sake, too.”
“Does that man know you intend to make him a widower later?”
Sasha fell silent for a moment. Then she continued with a composed face.
“I suppose I’ll have to tell him soon. For now, preparing for the wedding comes first.”
“Good God. You truly have become a swindler.”
“Your jokes are rather strange.”
“It is not a joke. I am sincerely horrified.”
Pricked by Mr. Turner’s honest horror, Sasha closed her mouth again.
“……I will tell him that. It would have been better if he had remained shameless and brazen to the end, but now we’ve become too close.”
“Is it simply friendship? Not love?”
Mr. Turner spoke flatly.
Very calmly, too.
Sasha stared at him with a foolish expression, as though somewhat dumbfounded.
“……No matter how much distance one keeps, feelings are bound to grow in the end. And you are fond of him.”
“No. Being fond of him doesn’t mean that. And that isn’t my taste.”
“What sort of taste is ‘that’ sort of taste?”
“That…… body, with all those…… muscles.”
So it was a taste.
Mr. Turner stared at Sasha with soulless eyes.
“At any rate, your marriage plan is proceeding smoothly. I will keep that in mind.”
Only belatedly did Sasha part her lips slightly, realization dawning on her face.
“You feel pangs of conscience, but intend to proceed regardless. Confirmed.”
“Wait a moment.”
“Why? Do you have another candidate in mind at this point?”
Mr. Turner asked, and Sasha let out a groan before settling back down from where she had half risen.
“……No. There’s only him. I don’t have the energy to seduce someone else while going on about contracts again.”
“I see.”
“I mean it.”
“I said nothing in particular.”
Sasha stared blankly into the air for a moment.
That man, who stirred up all sorts of unfamiliar, nameless emotions in her whenever they met.
That man, who acted far clumsier than she did and seemed pathetic, yet somehow she could not take her eyes off him; who, at times, looked at her with eyes steadier than her own and made something inside her flinch first.
“……Do you think we might remain friends even after everything is over?”
“Of course. However, if you come to my office, I would prefer you use an alias.”
“I meant him, not you.”
At Sasha’s flat reply, Mr. Turner shifted his eyes with a face that did not look particularly embarrassed.
“Of course, I’d like to remain on good terms with you as well, Mr. Turner. Though I suspect you will be the first to avoid me.”
“I would rather not become entangled in a scandal. Still, well, thank you for saying so, if only in words. Once our business is over, let us both return to being strangers.”
At Mr. Turner’s clear-cut summary, Sasha soon burst into a soft laugh.
The reception room was once again filled with the scratch of writing. Mr. Turner, who had seemed for a while to be listening to Sasha’s story with concentration, was busy writing something down on paper. Sasha seemed to lack even the energy to snap at him as usual. She merely looked toward the window, as though relieved to have poured it out somewhere.
Since he had not asked out of any desire to provide counseling in the first place, Mr. Turner added no advice or impressions to Sasha’s story.
However, watching a woman tormenting herself all the more because she had behaved whimsically and impulsively just once, even Mr. Turner could not help feeling a strange sympathy rise within him.
“Miss Grayson.”
“Yes.”
Mr. Turner, the lawyer who had been diligently checking her homework while answering her for quite some time, spoke calmly.
“Emotions are bound to overwhelm reason at any time. There is a reason people say emotions paralyze reason.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“If you truly do not wish to fall in love, put emotional distance between you even now.”
The black eyes beyond his glasses gazed quietly at Sasha.
Because the words flowed out as pure advice, Sasha listened to him without much resentment.
“Otherwise, you are bound to be swept away. Humans are more vulnerable to emotion than one might think.”
“Yes.”
“Even when dealing with that man, keep that engraved in your mind at all times, even unconsciously.”
Somehow, she hid that absurd feeling of envy. With a composed face, Sasha nodded.
“I will.”
With that conversation as the end, the two fell into silence. Once Mr. Turner finished what he had to do, he neatly organized the files and put them into his bag.
“I should be going now.”
“I’ll see you out.”
Mr. Turner did not bother to refuse. The two left the reception room and walked familiarly to where the carriage was waiting.
After exchanging a brief final farewell, Mr. Turner was about to climb into the carriage when he hesitated for a moment and turned back toward Sasha.
“And, Miss Grayson.”
“Yes.”
“If anything else should happen regarding the young duke, come to me then.”
Sasha obediently nodded.
“I will.”