Episode 108
At a glance, it sounded as though she were asking permission, but between her tone and the expression on her face, it was closer to a notification.
Outside, thick streams of rain kept lashing against the window. The sound of rain that had, for a fleeting moment, drawn him into sentiment no longer reached his ears. Isaac looked down at her, unable to readily grant permission, yet unable to refuse either.
Through her disheveled hair, he could see a face that looked paler than usual. And the expression it held—what of it? It went beyond simple regret and even seemed grimly resolute.
“Ah, yes……”
Isaac belatedly answered in a fumbling voice and took a step back, shifting aside slightly so she could come in. As if she had been waiting, Sasha stepped inside and occupied the spot from which he had retreated.
Contrary to his expectation that she would stride straight into his room without hesitation, she stopped right in front of him.
Isaac looked down in bewilderment at Sasha, who stood pressed close to him as though cornering him. Her lips were pressed into a straight line, and she gazed at Isaac with eyes that looked even sharper than usual.
“There’s a chair over there……”
“No need.”
After an awkward silence, Isaac searched for an excuse to move away and shifted his large body slightly. But the moment he did, he was blocked.
With a thud, her slender arm braced against the wall, barring his path.
Because of the difference in their builds, the arrangement looked not merely absurd but downright comical, yet neither Isaac nor Sasha cared. Isaac in particular turned toward her with a frozen expression, as though he had encountered some formidable barrier.
“I’m sorry for taking it back.”
She said.
“We already agreed to continue talking tomorrow, but no. I thought now would be better after all.”
By now, Sasha understood Isaac’s temperament and his way of thinking to some extent. Isaac had already been hurt, and if left alone, he would only keep blaming himself.
As proof, look at the bottle and glass set over there. Sasha cast a cool gaze at the cheap moonshine on the nightstand and the half-empty glass, then sighed.
Just as when they had first met, Isaac was far from indecisive; in crucial moments, he was always so stubborn he was almost ruthless. Moreover, now that he was wounded, he would surely shut his heart tight even for his own sake. The fact that the thought alone made her impatient left Sasha dumbfounded by her own shamelessness.
“I……”
Sasha’s thoughts on love still had not changed. Love made people stupid. It paralyzed reason, made people make strange decisions they would never have made under normal circumstances, made people impulsive. Yes. It made them act as if they were perpetually drunk on muddy liquor.
Moreover, now that she had become aware of her own feelings for Isaac, her regret toward love was one thing; it had reached the point where even aversion was welling up inside her.
“Good heavens. To think the moment would come when I would say this with my own mouth. I…… I am by no means the kind of person a good man like you, Captain, should like.”
She felt ridiculous and ashamed. Truly, every single word she uttered was an ordeal.
Yet, unlike that, as if she really had drunk alcohol, some unknowable courage surged up within her, and she could not stop speaking.
“You don’t know much about me. Isn’t that right? You don’t know me as much as I’ve come to know you.”
“……That’s true. But……”
“So this confession is hasty. ……But I was happy. When I heard you say you liked me, shamelessly enough, I was happy at the same time as I was flustered.”
Sasha could not even begin to guess what sort of expression she was making.
From the moment she had decided to barge into his room, the control device that had always been tightening around her had long since broken. She could not contain herself. Just like that man a moment ago.
“I’m sorry for taking it back again and again. We can’t pretend the fact that we kissed never happened. I really am sorry about just now. It was an error in judgment on my part.”
Trapped within the arms of Sasha, who was much smaller than him, Isaac blinked his blue eyes with a somewhat foolish expression.
His daze lasted only a moment. Isaac slowly blinked again and looked at the crown of her head. Since earlier, he had been unable to see her face. She had her head lowered, as though she could not even bring herself to meet his eyes.
As though she had done something wrong.
“……What Miss Grayson is saying.”
But the stirring in his chest was so unbearable that he could set aside such doubts.
“So, when you said you were happy…… that means……”
“……There’s something I haven’t told you, Captain.”
Does that mean you like me too? Just as Isaac belatedly clung to hope and murmured, Sasha cut him off.
Only then did she raise her head and look straight up at him. Isaac stared blankly at her face, contorted as though she were about to cry. It was the least composed face he had ever seen on her.
“I can’t tell you right now. In any case, once you find out, Captain, you’ll see me very differently.”
Because I am the liar you hate most, and furthermore, a swindler.
Sasha almost said that much, then stopped.
Like that man, apart from wanting to spit everything out without thinking of the consequences, impulse and reason interlocked intricately in her mind.
The girl she had been in childhood, when she had possessed nothing, tugged at her from beneath her feet, and Mr. Turner the lawyer’s words—that shouldn’t she be compensated as much as she had suffered?—pressed down on her hand.
The benefits they would each gain through marriage right now. The inheritance. The title. That man’s merciless stubbornness, which she had only now come to understand. His foolishly honest integrity, which, far from being calculating like her, did not even mind his own losses. All of it tangled together and pressed her mouth shut as well.
“It won’t be too late to judge me then. Captain, there’s still too much you don’t know about me. So this confession is too early.”
For now, they had to return to the capital and get the remaining wedding over with. And as soon as the queen answered the count’s petition, that man had to be summoned to the royal palace and formally receive his title. Because that unpredictable man might possibly decide that it was good enough and throw it all away.
Good. Then what was left? She had to meet Mr. Turner the lawyer again. She had to check whether there were any other strange exception clauses related to confidentiality in that damned will.
……And.
“For now, I’d like you to focus on our…… marriage. I’d like you to focus on what we’ll gain through marriage. I know it sounds strange and selfish.”
It was strange and selfish. Apart from not wanting to lose the man before her, she truly was acting very strangely because she could not even throw away her calculations. Sasha sneered at herself.
“So, what I mean is……”
“Miss Grayson.”
A large hand carefully cupped her cheek. Only then did Sasha come to her senses and look straight at him.
“……I’m sorry for acting anxious. As you said, Captain, trust is the most important thing, but. ……I will make sure nothing ever harms our contract……”
“Sasha.”
Her green eyes, which had been wandering because she could not endure her guilt, crumpled as though she were about to cry the moment Isaac called that name.
The tip of her nose began to sting. This was a truly bad sign.
“Are you all right?”
Regardless, just as he had done before, he cupped her cheek, slowly met her eyes, and asked if she was all right. Yes. Just like before.
His large hand, full of scars, with calluses not only on his palm but on every joint. The warmth conveyed through it remained unchanged. Sasha looked at him with a feeling different from back then.
“……Yes.”
When Sasha managed to answer, only then did Isaac seem relieved, and he carefully rubbed her cheek with his thumb. As though wiping away tears that were not there.
Before long, Isaac slowly withdrew his hand. They were far too close. In other words, had he not kissed her two days ago in a similar situation?
Remembering it, Isaac stepped backward. Of course, since the wall stood solidly behind him, his large body merely bumped against it with a thud and brushed along it.
“In any case, ……I understand. We’re in a special situation in many ways. ……And you have circumstances of your own……”
The words, presumptuous as they were—couldn’t she share those worries with him too?—nearly slipped out. Isaac desperately held them back and continued.
“Yes. In any case…… as you said, my confession was a little…… hasty, I think. I’m sorry for startling……”
“Don’t apologize.”
“……I regret it.”
At her remark, as though she had seen right through him, Isaac muttered with his face slightly flushed.
“……The rain isn’t stopping.”
Then he said it for no reason, as if trying to soothe his own awkwardness. Only then did Sasha follow his gaze toward the window.
It was still raining. The fierce sound of rain filled the room.
She had not heard it at all. And only now did she begin to hear it.
Only then did Sasha realize what sort of posture she and Isaac had been in.
“……I’m sorry.”
Even though she had told him not to apologize. As Sasha, her face belatedly heating, pulled away the arm that had been confining him, Isaac muttered inwardly.
Once again, their eyes met. The two of them were still close enough that if they merely lowered their heads, their lips would touch.
For a moment, the two said nothing and stared intently at each other.
“……You smell of tobacco again.”
Sasha, who had been looking at him for a long while, said. It was not particularly in a reproachful tone. It was closer to blurting out something she had suddenly noticed.
Isaac, as though struck guilty, fumbled at his trouser pocket.
“Ah, I had a lot on my mind…… I mean, since before, it’s just been something like a habit. I’m not especially a heavy smoker.”
Why was he feeling guilty in advance when she had not even said it as criticism? Listening to his words, which sounded like a hurried excuse, Sasha smiled softly.
While making excuses as though gauging her reaction, Isaac stopped speaking the moment he saw that look on her face and stared at her.
Out of relief, and also because he simply could not look away, he kept gazing at her.