He looked at Gang Songhui again and forced himself to answer.
“N-no, you haven’t changed.”
“Right?”
“O-of course.”
Despite Taesu’s awkward reply, Gang Songhui’s expression brightened as if it had been a lie.
“Thank you. Mom, let’s hurry.”
“Then, take care.”
Smoothly.
The mother and daughter left the house as they said their farewells.
Taesu, who had been seeing them off with a wave, let his hand drop.
His expression was exactly like he’d stuffed his mouth full of bitter persimmons.
‘I got played again.’
She was beyond shrewd—she was even impish.
She had to be considered Taesu’s greatest natural enemy in this village.
In truth, he had made the promise while swept up in his own emotions, so he had nothing to say.
Awake or asleep, watch your mouth.
Taesu vowed it to himself again and again.
Taesu looked around the quiet house once more.
Even if it hadn’t been for the promise, he surely would have come.
But he couldn’t help feeling that the promise with Gang Songhui weighed a little heavier on his shoulders.
Step, step.
Taesu walked slowly over and sat on the log chair.
It was a spot where he could look over the beds on both sides.
After glancing back and forth, Taesu soon turned to one side.
Smoothly.
The first target he would tackle was Lee Changgyu.
At a glance, he could feel a wall that ordinary methods wouldn’t even come close to breaching.
‘Then I’ll just have to run into it.’
Taesu perched lightly on the bed, looked down at Lee Changgyu, and called him.
“Changgyu.”
“I heard you listened to everything. I’m really sorry, but I don’t want to see you right now.”
“To be honest, I don’t know how you feel.”
Taesu laid it bare from the very beginning.
As if it had been completely unexpected, Lee Changgyu flinched.
“……”
Still, there was no answer.
Taesu paid it no mind and continued.
“No words could let me understand how you feel.”
“Then I’m sorry, but……”
Just as Lee Changgyu tried to push him away again.
Taesu cut him off and spoke in a stronger voice.
“But there’s no way this is what your father would have wanted.”
“Don’t say it so easily. Right now, Doctor, you……”
Tremble.
Lee Changgyu was suppressing his anger so hard his body shook.
Without so much as twitching an eyebrow, Taesu asked,
“Who says I’m saying it easily?”
“……”
“Have you ever thought about how many people might have passed away in these two hands here, in this land of war?”
“N-no.”
As if it was something shocking to him, Lee Changgyu stammered as he answered.
The more he did, the calmer and deeper Taesu’s voice sank.
“Do I still sound like I’m talking lightly?”
“Those people were……”
“Yeah. They weren’t family. They were complete strangers. But because of that, I hated myself even more.”
“Why?”
Lee Changgyu’s response softened a little more.
On the other hand, once Taesu’s mouth had opened, pain continued to pour out.
“Why? Who the hell am I?”
“A d-doctor.”
“So what if I’m a doctor? Is that everything? If you’re a doctor, is it okay for someone you saw that day to die?”
Taesu’s voice grew rougher and rougher.
In contrast, Lee Changgyu’s fierce momentum had been broken.
“That’s a little……”
“I regretted it dozens of times, hundreds of times. I regretted why I came here and had to experience things I could have lived my whole life never knowing.”
“I… think you must have.”
No sooner had Lee Changgyu finished answering than Taesu continued.
“I wanted to run away from the way the bereaved families looked at me. I was afraid when someone else asked me to treat them again.”
“Gulp.”
“I’m a first-year resident now. It’s only been two years since I became a doctor.”
“Yes.”
Lee Changgyu now answered carefully.
But Taesu’s emotions, on the contrary, grew even more intense.
“But what the hell am I? What is that damn medical license supposed to be?”
“……”
“Changgyu, do you know that feeling?”
“W-what feeling?”
Smoothly.
Lee Changgyu glanced sideways and asked back.
Taesu, his brow deeply furrowed, spat out the words with a stifled expression.
“A person is dying. Right in front of me…… But there’s nothing I can do. That feeling of not being able to do a single thing.”
“I-I-I wouldn’t know.”
“No, you do. Think back to that time. It’s really just…… just. Just, ah, damn it. Anyway, that fucking feeling.”
Tap, tap.
Taesu struck his own uninjured leg as he urged him on.
Perhaps Lee Changgyu had recalled that moment despite himself, because the corners of his eyes drooped.
“I really wanted to tear my own chest open.”
“That’s right. That’s exactly the feeling. As expected, you know it precisely because you experienced it too.”
“Yes. That’s true.”
“You really couldn’t do anything, and it felt like you were going to go crazy.”
When Taesu suddenly shouted, Lee Changgyu startled and raised his own voice along with him.
“That’s right.”
“I really wanted to die in their place.”
“So did I. I’d rather have gone out there and held on to them myself.”
At Taesu’s rough reaction, Lee Changgyu also went along with him.
The cases were different, and the situations were different.
But they had both experienced that moment of watching death.
They called it sympathy born from shared suffering.
Because the pain was that similar, their emotions were boiling over together.
Those boiling emotions continued.
“Changgyu, think about it. If you were me, someone just died on the operating table. Would you want to operate again?”
“Are you crazy? How could anyone do that?”
“Exactly. I was about to go insane, but I still had to do it again.”
“You could just say you can’t.”
Lee Changgyu shouted, overcome with emotion.
Taesu was moved and raised his voice even more.
“Wow, shit. You really get me. Yeah. I wanted to say I couldn’t do it too.”
“But?”
“I’m the only doctor. If I don’t operate, that person just dies. Damn it, I hate it so much I feel like I’m the one who’s going to die.”
The moment Taesu poured out the bitterness he had felt back then, Lee Changgyu suddenly hesitated.
“That…… that’s a bit of a problem, isn’t it?”
“Hey, why are you changing your tune? I’m telling you, I really didn’t want to do it.”
“No, you said if you didn’t, someone else would die.”
When Lee Changgyu carefully pointed that out, Taesu answered curtly.
“It’s not like they’d be dying by my hand. I could just close my eyes and pretend I didn’t know.”
“You can’t…… do that, though.”
“This kid is really funny. You hid here and ran away, so why can’t I?”
“You and I are very different.”
At that reaction, Taesu stared at him, then let out a breath.
“The first person who died in my arms said that. No matter how scared I was and how much I wanted to avoid it, in the end, I wouldn’t be able to.”
Taesu took Caprene’s words and reassembled them according to how he felt now.
Lee Changgyu agreed with a serious face.
“That’s true. They say if you can’t avoid it, enjoy it.”
“Exactly. When I thought about it, it really was true. If a patient is hurt, who would they go to if not a doctor?”
As Taesu grumbled, Lee Changgyu said with a sullen face,
“Now that I think about it, you saved me too, Doctor.”
“You were truly hopeless too. I even thought about just throwing everything away and going back.”
“Then I would……”
“I don’t know.”
The moment Taesu answered carelessly, Lee Changgyu’s eyes went wide.
“How can you say that?”
“Well, you’re alive now anyway.”
“Still, saying it like that…… You’re really too much. That person told you not to run away too, so you shouldn’t say you want to run away.”
When Lee Changgyu shouted in a rush of emotion, Taesu stared at him incredulously.
“It’s fine for you, but not for me?”
“For me, it’s just that I dislike snow. And what can I do about snow just falling from the sky like that?”
“Yeah. Snow comes even if you tell it not to.”
At Taesu’s words, Lee Changgyu answered despite himself.
“That’s true.”
“Patients are the same. Even if you tell them not to come, even if you tell them not to get hurt. Somehow, they still get hurt and come looking for me.”
Hearing Taesu’s grumbling words, Lee Changgyu asked quietly,
“So?”
“What do you mean, so…… I’m wearing this, aren’t I?”
Flutter.
He flapped his gown.
As if that was answer enough, Lee Changgyu looked slightly relieved.
“Ah, so you’re going to keep being a doctor. No, well, that’s why you operated on me, I guess.”
He even untangled his own twisted thoughts on his own.
Taesu looked at Lee Changgyu with a bitter expression and said,
“I’ll probably keep doing that. Patients will come even if I tell them not to.”
“I suppose they will.”
“And I’ll probably run to them again. I don’t even have the courage to quit anymore.”
“Why……?”
“I made up my mind once. But then, as if to show me, an injured person appeared. Before I knew it, I was running toward them.”
Taesu answered in disbelief, but Lee Changgyu thought differently.
“I’d like to thank that person. Because that’s how you ended up coming all the way here.”
“Now that I think about it, you’re right. I should find that person again and just—”
“Hold back. Lower your fist. You shouldn’t do that to someone you’re grateful to.”
Before he knew it, Lee Changgyu was stopping Taesu.
Taesu smiled faintly and asked,
“Looks like you’re feeling a lot better?”
“What? Ah…… yes.”
“Me too. Now that I’ve told you everything I was holding inside, I do feel a little lighter.”
“That’s a relief.”
Lee Changgyu answered with an awkward expression.
Taesu lightly patted his uninjured leg and said,
“Changgyu. You can’t erase snow from the world.”
“Yes.”
“Then how are you going to avoid it?”
“I c-can’t avoid it.”
When Lee Changgyu forced himself to answer, Taesu added,
“But are you just going to watch until another avalanche happens?”
“I don’t want that.”
“Then don’t avoid it. Face it head-on.”
At the method Taesu quietly presented, Lee Changgyu nodded.
“You shouldn’t think about running away either, Doctor.”
“You punk, I’m not. I’m right here.”
“What? Th-that…… Ah. You’re right.”
“But I’m still fighting. So that at least the patient lying on the operating table in front of me, at least that person, won’t be sent away so emptily again.”
When Taesu conveyed his feelings exactly as they were, Lee Changgyu understood too.
“I think that’s true. And I think you’ve done that too.”
“So let’s just fight. You in your way, me in mine. In the end, this is a fight against ourselves.”
“Yes. Snow will come every year, and there will always be patients.”
“Yeah. So unless I throw up both hands and surrender, I’ll have to fight for the rest of my life.”
What Taesu said was an extremely cold reality.
As if Lee Changgyu agreed, he said with a bitter expression,
“I’ll have to keep my head on straight and fight to the end. So that when another avalanche happens, there won’t be anyone left grieving.”
“Then that settles it.”
Taesu abruptly reached a conclusion.
Lee Changgyu also drew a faint smile on his lips.
“Yes. At least I don’t think seeing snow will put me in a bad mood anymore.”
“Then that’s enough. And thanks. After looking back on myself like this, I feel a bit relieved too.”
“Did I help you?”
“Yeah. You were a big help.”
When Taesu admitted it plainly, the smile on Lee Changgyu’s lips deepened a little more.
“I’ve always been grateful and sorry, so it feels good to hear I helped.”
“You punk. You can’t even move yet, so rest a little more.”
“I’m so frustrated I could die.”
Lee Changgyu even whined, matching his improved mood.
But Taesu was clear about that distinction.
“They said there isn’t much longer left.”
“Yes. They told me to start moving after another fifteen days.”
“Don’t pretend to be so gloomy. I know you’ve been secretly getting up now and then.”
“Hup.”
Lee Changgyu quickly covered his mouth and avoided his gaze.
With a faint smile on his face, Taesu said plainly,
“About twice a day inside the house. Any more than that will be hard on you, and it’ll strain your body too. Got it?”
“Ahem. Thank you.”
“That’s enough. Rest.”
Tap, tap.
Taesu patted his leg and stood up.
Seeing that he really seemed about to leave, Lee Changgyu panicked and hurriedly asked,
“Um, what about my mother?”
It was at the same time as that question.
Smoothly.
Taesu looked at Han Juyeong’s back as she lay turned away and asked,
“You heard us talking clearly, didn’t you?”
“……”
“Unlike Changgyu, you must have received an even greater shock. I don’t know much myself, but it doesn’t seem like something that can get better overnight.”
It was after Taesu had said that much.