Chapter 468 - Glad to See You.
Rumble-!
In the midst of the raging storm, I held onto my fading consciousness and endured for a long time.
My body looked swollen, as if it would burst at any moment.
If I let go even a little, I felt my body would explode right then and there.
Crack.
From my body came the continuous sound of something breaking and being reassembled.
In that process, the pain of my whole body being torn apart was vividly felt.
This was not on the level of being injured.
Snap-!
My skeleton shifted and my skin was torn away.
My organs twisted as a matter of course, and my blood was boiling hot.
Even in the midst of that, I couldn't scream.
The moment I let a sound out of my mouth, everything would end.
I held my breath.
The surging energy relentlessly burrowed into my body.
I had already long since surpassed the limits of my flesh.
This meant I had gone far past the limits of what I could contain.
But.
How on earth was I enduring this?
My skin felt like it would tear, and my body clamored for me to kill it right away.
Opening my eyes.
Breathing in and out.
In a situation where all of that was pain and despair, the only thing I could do was endure.
In my body, which was barely holding together as if it might tear apart, my skeleton was destroyed and remade thousands of times.
Crunch.
I heard the sound of something shattering.
Screech-!
I heard the sound of tearing too.
Pain was felt from all parts, so I didn't even know what was happening where anymore.
I wanted to die.
Once the pain crossed its limit, that was the only thought that came to mind.
I wanted to give up everything right now and die.
What was I enduring this pain for?
What was the point of barely holding onto my fading consciousness?
Thump-thump-! Thump-thump-!
Had it sensed my weakened spirit?
The energy filling my body soon began to rampage.
It seemed desperate to escape outside.
'They came in on their own, these rotten bastards.'
I opened my eyes slightly.
I couldn't open them wide, but I could open them ever so slightly.
'Ha.'
The moment I saw, a hollow laugh escaped me.
The space that had been filled with water just moments ago was now completely empty.
That meant all that water had disappeared.
To where?
All into my body.
The overflowing water had become energy and was contained within my body.
Having stuffed that immense amount into this pathetically tiny body, no wonder it was swollen as if ready to burst.
Jolt-!
"H-huuk...!"
Unable to endure the backlash, I let out a breath.
Blue energy trickled out through my parted lips.
Thump-!
Perhaps due to the aftershock, my heart beat heavily once.
Even a shallow vibration brought agonizing pain that could make me faint, so what just happened had been truly dangerous.
'Damn it.'
How long? Just how much longer did I have to endure?
Being in this state made me realize many things.
That humans are tougher than you'd think, even when they say they've reached their limit.
Seeing how I was enduring like this even when I felt like I would die any moment.
Screech.
"...!"
A patch of skin was torn away.
It wasn't just a cut—the entire patch of skin was ripped off.
Ssssss....
New skin grew in its place.
It hurt when it tore.
It hurt when it grew.
There was no fucking insanity quite like this.
Ah, fuck. If it was going to be like this, I should've just given it all when it asked.
I should've given everything when the blood qi demanded I hand it over.
Looking pathetic, I felt a twinge of regret now.
'Ha.'
What great glory was I pursuing that my life kept ending up like this?
Ah, maybe I can't even call it a human life anymore.
If I endured to the end, I would no longer be human.
'...Fucking hell.'
I'd tried to live like a proper person, and now I wouldn't even be a person anymore.
It truly couldn't be anything other than a shitty life.
And so, as I wrapped my trembling hands and gritted my teeth against the pain.
[Then.]
[Why on earth are you trying to endure?]
A voice echoed in my head.
It was a voice I had faintly heard since I began enduring.
It was similar to the voice the blood qi had spat out, yet the atmosphere was somehow different.
'It might be an auditory hallucination.'
Because it was an unclear, hazy voice, I might be hearing things due to the crushing pain.
It didn't matter.
Going insane wasn't particularly frightening.
[It would be easy if you just let go. Why are you so determined to endure?]
It was just a little noisy.
[You say you aren't afraid of death, so why do you crave life?]
'It's a bit loud so shut up, I can't concentrate.'
[I don't understand.]
'Who asked you to understand?'
I don't even understand it myself, so how could someone else?
Why am I doing this?
'It's too late to look for reasons one by one.'
I had come too far to recall such reasons.
If I looked for justifications, I'd find plenty.
That I was doing this because I had to save the world, thinking of the crises to come.
That I wanted to abandon my humanity and rise to a higher position.
If I searched, there would be countless things to make into reasons.
But to me, they were nothing.
[Then why....]
Who knows.
I think there used to be one.
But now I don't really know.
If this were Elder Shin, perhaps he would endure while proclaiming his beliefs, saying he had to save the world.
I'm not a hero like that old man.
I had no particular interest in worldly affairs.
Whether war broke out and ruined the world, or whether this world held some secret.
It wasn't important to me.
If I had to find a reason.
'It's just, if I give up easily, I wouldn't have the face to see the kids.'
That was about the only one I had.
[Just... just because of that?]
The voice was truly something, sounding utterly flabbergasted by the reason I'd barely managed to come up with.
Who is this bastard to pick on me?
'Now you're throwing a fit at me too?'
It's really absurd.
I'm just dumbfounded.
Earlier the blood qi threw a tantrum, and now.
'Even my lingering attachment is throwing a fit at me.'
Even my lingering desire to remain human was finding fault with me.
When I growled in anger, the voice seemed to hesitate.
[...I... don't want to become a monster.]
It sounded pitifully sad, yet I also felt anger filled with resentment.
'I know.'
I know all too well.
I wanted to die as a human.
Because I couldn't achieve it properly in my previous life, I wanted to keep at least this much.
Though I suppose it became impossible once I achieved demonification.
Even so, it was what I had desperately wished for.
[Even now.... you can give up.]
'I could.'
It meant I could die right now if I let go.
Yes, as a human.
I could die as a human.
Not becoming some higher being or an unknowable existence.
It meant I could die as myself while maintaining the flesh I was born with.
Thinking that, I couldn't stop laughing.
Merely.
What was being human that I clung to it so foolishly?
If not that.
Did it mean that despite having lived abandoning my humanity, I still couldn't help but wish to be human?
Wrong.
I knew.
It was a more selfish feeling than that.
Not some incomprehensible emotion like human dignity or pride I couldn't let go of.
Simply, it was the greed to stay by the side of those precious to me as a human.
[...I... want to be human.]
That voice, filled entirely with that feeling,
still suffocated me with lingering attachment and resentment.
Saying I didn't deserve to be like that.
Saying if we were talking about qualifications, wasn't it already too late.
Reason lashed out sharply, blaming me, but
selfish desire, fully aware, kept rearing its head.
Saying what did it matter if it was already in the past.
Saying this life could be different, couldn't it.
Truly ugly.
No matter how much time passed, I was still ugly.
Even so.
'Sorry.'
[...]
'I'm afraid that's a bit too much.'
My life had been a series of choices.
There had never been a single moment when I faced a choice without weighing the scales.
The history of my previous life
was simply what happened because I had chosen the heavier side of the scale.
And this time was no different.
I was merely choosing the heavier side again.
My lingering attachment.
And the happiness of those I held dear—I placed them on the scale and weighed them.
Honestly, there was no need to even place them.
Because I already knew that much deep in my heart.
[...]
Perhaps because I had thought that far.
The lingering attachment I had heard at my ear was no longer audible.
'Sorry.'
Still, I apologized once more.
I'd never apologized to myself before, but I thought I should at least once.
Boom-!
As if resisting, the energy surged even more fiercely.
Accordingly, the pain grew much stronger.
I also felt a change in my body.
Wuuung-!
The energy, which had only been constantly expanding, began to move.
The energy filling me from my toes to my head started moving, driving me mad.
Kkuuuuuk-!
"Kk... ugh...."
A vortex.
The vast energy moved all at once, whirling and transforming into a vortex.
Crack-!
The shell that had been cracking bit by bit shattered at once, and the shattered skeleton deformed.
Hwaaraaak-!
As the skeleton deformed, the energy extended along pathways.
Where was it heading? I immediately realized.
The heart.
The destination of this great energy overturning my body was my heart.
Kkwa'ahk-!
"Kuuuuuuaaaaa!"
The energy that felt like it would burst just from being contained in my body now clustered in my chest once more, creating incomparable pressure.
That wasn't the end.
Thump-!
The compressed energy grew even smaller there.
It felt like I would be sucked in at any moment.
I had to endure.
Even if I couldn't endure, I had to.
Crack-!
I heard the sound of collapsing.
Something began breaking from within.
The vessel should have already shattered and disappeared, so what was breaking this time?
Creak-! The sound coming from within could soon be heard from outside as well.
Space was collapsing.
Thump-! Thump-!
A chest rampaging as if it would burst.
Distorting space.
The sensation of continued collapse.
Within that, I barely held onto my sanity.
I wouldn't let go.
The only time I could let this go was when everything was finished.
It absolutely had to be that way.
Having endured like that for a long time.
Thump....
Thump....
The vibrations that had rung madly every second gradually subsided.
Proportionally, the pain also began to decrease.
Just when I thought it was really over.
Thump.
A shallow reverberation was felt in my chest, and then.
Kwaaah-!
The energy that had barely clumped together spread out in all directions.
Swept away by that absurd amount of energy, I ultimately couldn't endure and lost consciousness.
Immediately after.
"Hueok...!"
When I opened my eyes again.
Far too many things had changed.